You Give Me Hope 2

by Sophia Smith

  “Yeah, I noticed that too. I think it’s safe to say that it’s probably for the best if you let her be right now. I know that she’s trying her best to figure herself out and all, but this isn’t the way to do it,” she said.

  “I know it’s not Jenny. Trust me. I hate that she’s left me behind but…I can’t do much about it right now. I think I’ll let her make her own mistakes. If that guy is so bent on rejecting her when she’s fat, they’ll probably break up over something small in the future,” she said.

  “I’m pretty sure they will. Anyways, you’ve got some serious patience there Angela. If you ever need to talk, I’m around. Vanessa is pretty pissed too. I’m mad because that’s my sister, and I want to step in to tell her everything, but at the same time, I also know that telling her that she’s making a mistake will put a dent on our already strained relationship. She doesn’t listen to me so…I’m with you on letting her make her own mistakes,” she replied.

  “Glad we both agree to this,” Angela said.

  “Anyways, if you need anything, let me know. Hopefully things in London are good. I’ll give you my email so we can talk,” Jenny said.

  “Thanks Jenny. That’s appreciated,” Angela said.

  When they hung up, Angela sighed. She put all this work in, only to lose Linda in the process. Things were definitely not good right now, and Linda was in la-la land with this guy. For now, maybe disappearing would be best for her.

  Studying abroad with all of this going on may not be the ideal choice, but for Angela, it was better than staying here, that she was sure of.

  Chapter 6

  Linda had her head in the clouds, feeling happy that she finally managed to nab the guy of her dreams, but something felt…empty.

  When did she notice this emptiness? She honestly wasn’t sure, but whenever she thought about Angela, and the fact that she left like that, an emptiness started to flood through Linda’s heart.

  Linda met up with her boyfriend, and the two of them went out for dinner. Linda still followed the portions and calorie counting she was so used to, and Thomas always seemed to joke with her about it.

  “You don’t have to keep doing that,” he said.

  “I like doing it. I learned self-control through this,” she said.

  “Come on, you’ve managed to keep the weight off, shouldn’t you just continue to eat right and not worry about the portions or anything? Being obsessive over this isn’t all that good for you either,” he said.

  “I’ll do what I want Thomas. I like doing this. It makes me feel good,” she said.

  In truth, it made Linda think about the woman who helped her get to this point. Her heart thought quite a bit about Angela, and whatever it was she was up to. She missed her.

  “Hi, are you okay? You keep looking down for some reason. Did something happen?” he asked.

  “Oh no. Sorry,” she said.

  In truth, Linda never told anyone about Angela, let alone Thomas. When Thomas asked how she did it, she of course lied, saying that she did it all on her own. But, of course that was a boldfaced lie, which made Linda feel guilty as all hell especially since she wanted to be seen as someone good, and she wanted to be respected for her accomplishments.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.

  She was starting to get annoyed by Thomas and his constant pestering.

  “Yeah. Just a little bit sad. A friend of mine is going over to London to study abroad for a little bit. I’m going to miss her,” she said.

  “She’ll be back. besides, I’m happy that I have you now. You’ve seemed to open up a little bit as well,” he said with a purr.

  She nodded, but she felt like her heart was hollow as he muttered those words. She didn’t really like Thomas always badgering her, or making her feel like shit for thinking about others. It made her incredibly uncomfortable, but she didn’t know how to tell Thomas all of that.

  Dinner was boring, and Linda started to think about Angela a lot. It wasn’t that long ago that she left. Could she have made a mistake?

  No, she didn’t want to give Angela the satisfaction of being wrong. She wanted to tell Angela that she was happy, but for every time she said that to herself, she felt almost as if she was duping herself with every word she uttered.

  “Come on, you okay there?” Thomas said.

  “Oh yeah, just busy with work tomorrow. By the way, you want to maybe get some food next week? Or go see a movie?” she asked.

  “Course. And well, I know that your lease is running out soon, I was thinking that maybe we could…possibly move in together.

  For some reason, hearing that from him made her uncomfortable.

  “I’m…I’m not sure about that yet,” she admitted.

  “Why? I thought you liked me,” he stated.

  “Yeah, I do, I’m just worried about things, that’s all,” she said.

  In truth, Linda was thinking about Angela a lot, and the need to see her only grew more so.

  She’d been dating Thomas for about two months now, and already she started to wonder if she was making the right decisions. She began to wonder if she perhaps made a mistake.

  Linda tried to hold off on the feelings of guilt that she had, and the regrets that she had. But, Linda did wonder why Angela’s lack of presence bothered her so much. She was happy, right?

  Over the next few months, she noticed her emails to Angela were empty too. Emails that felt like she just wrote them because her heart was heavy, and she missed something.

  Linda tried to ignore the feelings that she had by spending more time with Thomas, but she felt like it was the same shit different day after a while. They’d go on dates, he would ask her if everything was okay, she would lie and say she was fine, and then he would just drop it. But the truth was, she wasn’t fine. She felt like she was just doing this to be happy, to make him happy, when she always felt like she was just living a life that wasn’t really her own.

  One day, after she finally got away from Thomas, she went home to the apartment she had, and she realized this whole place felt so empty and alone. She looked around, and in her mind, she knew it would continue to be like this, but deep down, Angela was gone, and Linda yearned for this.

  She went to her computer, her hands right over the keys, and as she opened up a blank email, she began to think about what she wanted to say. She wanted to tell Angela the truth, that she wasn’t happy.

  That she wasn’t really feeling the spark that she did before, and she wanted to figure out for herself why that was.

  As she said these words, typed them out, she then stopped, realizing what she wrote.

  “I love you Angela.”

  Love? That wasn’t something she ever told anyone besides Thomas. She told him that she loved him on the first date. It was so easy to say that to him, but the idea of being in love with Angela made Linda’s heart skip a beat.

  Was it right? Or was she in the wrong for feeling this way? She didn’t even know anymore, and in truth, Linda just wanted a concrete answer, or something that would help her understand her feelings.

  She did feel something though, and she wanted to feel like she was happy again.

  As she was about to send the email, she closed it, saving it as a draft for later. She didn’t want to get involved with this, at least not right now. She was definitely worried about all of this, and about what might happen next to them.

  It was something that made Linda question her actions. One day, when she was out at the park with Thomas, Thomas then stopped in front of her. She bumped into him, and he looked at her.

  “Tell me what’s going on,” he said.

  “What do you mean?” Linda asked.

  “You’ve been acting weird for the last couple months. Almost like…something is bothering you. Is it?” he asked.

  She looked around, trying to ignore the feelings that she had in her heart. She wanted to just scream to Thomas that she wasn’t all that into it, and the fact that she kept deluding herse
lf was only driving her crazy, but then, Angela shook her head.

  “No, I’m good. Sorry, I’ve been a bit worried about a project,” she said.

  “Are you sure? Because you are looking around like you’re expecting someone to come on back. but, I don’t think they are. Is it an ex that I need to be worried about?” he inquired.

  She quickly shook her head.

  “Not at all. Just been thinking about someone. I don’t really know how to feel on them though,” she said.

  “Well, if you’re questioning our relationship, I would rather for you to be honest with me, than to continue to ignore this. I know whatever is bothering you is something big, and I understand that, but I can tell that you are worried about this and whatever is bothering you. I don’t want to continue to see you like that Linda, and you seem way too upset about this. I’d rather you just tell me and we get it over with,” he said.

  She looked at Thomas, and she thought about telling him the truth, but then, she’d lose everything right then and there, and she didn’t want that. She built this with Thomas.

  “I’m sorry, I’m just a bit worried about moving in and stuff. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet,” she said.

  “That’s all it is?”

  Of course it wasn’t, but Linda would be dammed if she said that to him right then and there.

  “Yeah. That’s all it is. Sorry for worrying you,” she said.

  “Okay, well you don’t have to move in with me or anything like that yet if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to feel like you’re pressured into doing something like that, because you aren’t. I just thought it might be a nice gesture. That’s all,” he said.

  “No, it is a nice gesture Thomas. I’m just not sure I’m ready to follow through with that. I like the place that I’m at right now, she said.

  “Why’s that? it’s some tiny and dinky apartment. You know my place, it’s huge and got more than enough room for you,” he said.

  She liked it because it reminded her of Angela, and the time they spent together. Angela used to live right by there, and before she left, she brought over a lot of things that she wanted Linda to take care of, almost as if she would never see them again.

  Thinking about Angela made her heart wrench, but she needed to keep her thoughts to herself, ignoring the feeling of guilt that arose through her body.

  “I’m sorry, it’s hard for me to explain. I have some sentimental value to that location, that’s all,” she said.

  “Okay. Well, you don’t have to just sit there and continue to live there. Know that I’m always here with my door open, ready to let you in,” he said.

  She did understand that, and she knew that Thomas was literally just doing this to make her feel better, and he seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, but she didn’t know what to do about any of this currently. She felt overwhelmed, and she felt a bit surprised by it all.

  “Yeah well, I’ll keep you posted,” she said.

  Linda didn’t want to go anywhere with him though. She didn’t want to leave the comfort of her current place. She then went back home, realizing that her feelings were only growing.

  She didn’t just miss Angela, she yearned for her presence, craved having her about. When she thought about Angela, and her coming back, her heart skipped a beat. She only continued to do what she did because she thought of Angela when she did. She continued to go to the gym in hopes that one day she’d see Angela. Every time she would portion out her foods, she would think about Angela, and everything that they did together.

  The thought of having her around made her feel safe, secure, and when she thought of her, she thought that things would get better, but then, Linda started to realize something.

  She didn’t just miss Angela’s help that she gave to her for the weight loss process, she missed everything about Angela. She missed her smile, the laugh that she had, and the way she spoke to her like she really did care. She did all of this for her, and there was something about this which made Linda start to tense, her heart race, and she wondered just what might happen next.

  There was a lot that made her start to wonder about the future, a lot that made her question everything.

  She knew that when it came to Angela, the feelings that she had weren’t anything small, and in truth, she thought about how much she missed Angela.

  In truth, as time went on, Linda began to distance herself from Thomas, spending all of her time at home, because she was reminded of Angela like this. She would go to the gym because it reminded her of her best friend, and she would eat the foods that she knew Angela loved and craved a lot. but, as Linda continued to do this, she started to realize something.

  She loved Angela.

  She missed her, and all she wanted to do was to hear her voice, see her, hug her, and talk to her.

  In truth, when she told Thomas about her today, she felt like it was super brush-offy and boring. She didn’t feel that urge to share the good news or the bad news. Their relationship felt hollow. Even the sex felt boring. Angela was more interesting to her, which was what made Linda realize something.

  Her sexuality wasn’t what she thought it would be. In truth, Linda knew that sexuality was fluid. She wasn’t stupid, but that also meant she was a bit worried about the way these feelings were making her feel. She never thought that her friend was like that in her mind, and soon, she began to question her sexuality. All her life, she always saw herself as well, straight, but was she really like that?

  Did she like Angela as more than a friend? She didn’t know for sure and the fact that it was like this bothered the hell out of her. She didn’t know what to do about any of this, mostly because it was the first time she actually thought of someone like that. She felt a bit of regret, and she knew that this was something that made her shudder with shock and worry, unsure of what to do about any of this.

  She didn’t know what to do, and the fact that she loved Angela but didn’t know how to tell her made her want to cry.

  Instead of spending time with Thomas, instead of going out with the guy she was with, she spent most of her days crying, yearning for the time that she could have with Angela, and the relationship that she wanted, and she yearned for her. But, there were a lot of things that ate away at her, and a lot that even she didn’t know for sure what to make of.

  Chapter 7

  It had been almost a year since Angela left. Angela had a room in Linda’s home, and Linda tried to avoid it at all costs. She moved in back when they were losing weight together, but she still did have that side apartment for a while, since it made her address changes easier. But, once she moved out of the country, most of the times that she had ended up at Linda’s place.

  Linda avoided that room though, for a very good reason. Every time she thought about it, and the fact that Angela wasn’t in there, she felt a bit of pain, and she felt regretful because of all of this. But, she didn’t know how to explain the feelings that she had, and she definitely felt a bit insecure in how to feel as well.

  Angela’s mom Ellen came over one day to help her with cleaning up the home. Linda drowned herself in her fitness and work, but Ellen told her that she should clean out that room. While Linda wanted to say no, she thought that renting out the room might be good for her to do.

  “Hey Linda, can you help me sort through Angela’s things? She left a lot of stuff here, and I was wondering if any of it belonged in the room or not. I think you should get this ready and get a roommate, I know she was your best friend, but it would be a good way to make use of this room,” Ellen said.

  “Alright,” Linda said.

  In truth, she did have this space as a way for her to escape. She didn’t want someone else in Angela’s room, but maybe just having this in place would help ease the pain. When she got in there, she saw all of the clothes, books and the like, and when she started to sort through all of this, the first thing that she did notice was that Angela left a lot of old things in there.

 
She did leave kind of suddenly to go to London, and she did leave a lot of the special belongings with Linda. Linda wondered if that was supposed to be a message, an implicit statement from Angela telling Linda that she was important to her.

  She wanted to just ignore the space, and leave it alone, but she’d have to wait until Angela’s mother was gone. For a bit, she just picked up a few pieces of garbage. Most of it was just extra clothes that shad, and of course, a few personal things. But then, she noticed that ticked away underneath one of the dressers was something that made her stop.

  It was a diary.

  Why did Angela leave a diary in her room? Wouldn’t she take that shit with her? Linda touched it, holding it there.

  In this, she could learn the secrets that Angela had, and in truth, she wanted to. She did feel a little bit guilty because it was an invasion of privacy, but then, she felt that strong urge grew within her. She wondered what it said.

  She felt her hands ghost against the pages. It seemed wrong to look at this, wrong to crack it open, but if Angela wasn’t coming back for a bit, it wasn’t that big of a problem, right? She also knew that Angela probably didn’t care if she read her diary, since she did keep it here.

  “Oh what the hell,” Linda said.

  She began to open it, and in truth, the first thing that she read was something that shocked her to a whole new level.

  I wish I could tell her.

  Whenever I’m around Linda, I always feel like I’m happy. Today, we talked about some of the bullshit that happened in class, and it pissed me off. I can’t believe my teacher would do this to us. I was pretty angry, but then, Linda told me it would be okay. Whenever she comforted me like that, I always felt like this light would go on, and I would be okay. Even in the worst of situations, she always was the light in my life, and I loved that about her.

  Linda remembered that. It was one of the first days they spent together. When they first met, it was pretty rocky. Angela was being bullied, and Linda stopped the bullies they became an unlikely duo, and Linda was always grateful for those moments.