by Lola Jaye
It’s important that YOU rely on yourself to do the ‘patting’, as people around us can change. Although they might be lovely and supportive in the beginning, they may get bored with all the ‘well dones’. They may simply begin to think you don’t need their encouragement any more. And this is where YOU come into it. Keep motivating and re-motivating yourself regularly. If you have managed to learn a whole sentence in your Spanish class without looking at the textbook, tell yourself ‘well done!’ These are small steps, yes, but steps that are taking you closer and closer to your dreams.
Take a Break
For me, having to start all over again AGAIN was starting to make me feel tired, physically and emotionally. It also added to the lack of self-belief it brought on. If this happens to you, you may find the following useful:
That old thing called visualization again. But this time, use it to help you with something OUTSIDE of your dream.
Think about times when you have felt happy, good or content. Who were you with? Where were you? What were you up to?
Make more time in your life for what is important to you.
Focus on what’s positive instead of the negative. You could even write down a few positive things about yourself. This isn’t an easy exercise (although when asked to put down negative points, it usually is!).
Think of ways you got through unhappier times in the past. This could have been staying with a good mate for a long weekend; going for long walks; praying; seeking advice from a loved one.
If the pursuit of your dream isn’t going to plan, maybe you have fantastic health? A loving partner? Great kids? A roof over your head? Look at what’s going WELL in your life right now and focus on that.
I managed to work through my low patch and slowly began to feel happy again. Even though I still hadn’t got a publishing deal, I realized my whole life wasn’t about writing. I saw the importance of embracing life NOW. I’d been turning down invitations so that I could write. I wasn’t seeing much of the world around me. I’d become so strict with myself that I’d lost perspective and this wasn’t good for me or my writing.
Yes, you have to make sacrifices to follow your dream, but you need to strike that balance. There will be times when you will be busier than usual, especially if you are at a crucial stage of achieving your goal. For me, it’s at the beginning and end of a draft.
But you shouldn’t be focused on your goal ALL the time.
Take a break from pursuing your dream from time to time. I’m sure we all know people who seem to live by the ‘all work and no play’ line. Remember, we only get one chance on this earth and working all the hours doesn’t seem like a balanced use of the time we do have. It’s important to take time out to enjoy the simple things in life, like the sunshine, spending time with family and friends, sleeping. A balanced lifestyle should lead to a balanced mind and a better outcome in whatever your goal happens to be.
Tomorrow isn’t promised so let’s live well, today.
11. One ‘No’ Too Many
I admit it. The knock backs were getting me all in a tiz.
It’s never a good thing to keep hearing ‘No’ over and over. If we look back at a lot of my journey, it was something I heard a lot.
But what about when it just gets too much?
Especially when it happens so often you are almost used to it and, at times, expect it. So, if the bank manager says no to the small business loan, or the college rejects your application, or you fail yet another driving test, or if another agency refuses to take you on because of your criminal record…what then? It’s sometimes so easy to tell yourself, ‘I knew it would happen anyway.’
When we are used to knock backs, we soon start to expect them.
Joanne Collins, 33, from London, is a Child and Adolescent Clinical Psychology Specialist. She says:
‘The young people I work with struggle to change because it is difficult finding work and getting the money they need to support themselves (or their children). The temptation of the street is strong as they feel they have no other options. I often tell them that it’s about doing what’s right for them, whilst remembering that there is a better way. They also need to have faith in their abilities. And at the time when they are serious about change they need to recognize negative voices in their life and shut them down!’
It is so important to tell yourself that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to achieve your dream – as long as you are willing to put the work in.
Staying True to Yourself
My new book in a new style was almost finished and I gave it to my agent to read. She phoned and simply said ‘Lola, you have lost your voice.’ Meaning it just didn’t sound like ‘me’. It’s then I switched off my ears in defiance, but not before hearing her say something that has stayed with me. It was sometimes I see as another of my Breakthrough Moments:
‘Is this the novel you have always wanted to write, Lola?’
No. It wasn’t.
I put down the phone feeling angry. I had taken a risk with a new style of writing and it hadn’t paid off. I continued with my blog called Diary of an Unpublished Author, realizing I remained just that – unpublished.
But one day I woke up feeling so low, I was just so FED UP. I’d worked so hard and yet nothing was happening. What more could I do? Of course I’d had feelings like that before, but the difference is I was bored with them. I hung around at home dressed in my pyjamas and switched the television on. Oprah Winfrey was doing a show about a dying mother who left a collection of keepsakes for her daughter. A couple of ‘what if’ questions flooded into my head.
What if there were no computers, DVDs, MP3s, video cameras or phones?
What about a dad who died and simply left a letter to his daughter?
What if I switch on my computer and see what happens?
I did…and I wrote six thousand words that day.
The words flowed out of me like a waterfall.
The feeling was so satisfying and so real, I just knew I was onto something. Okay, I confess, I always feel that way when I write a new novel, but I like to think there was an extra sprinkling of magic that day, considering all that had happened so far.
And so my novel, By The Time You Read This…was born.
I had stayed true to myself and written a novel I was proud of. I had written as ME. I wasn’t trying a different style of writing, I wasn’t trying to be like anyone else– I was staying true to myself, Lola Jaye. I am not saying that change can’t be a good thing because it can. Just make sure that, in the meantime, you do not compromise who you are as a person. That passage is a bit deep I know and will mean different things for different people depending on the stars they are trying to reach.
And then the strangest thing happened. My agent phoned and told me a publisher was interested in my novel and wanted to meet me.
A publisher finally wanted to meet me.
HarperCollins wanted to meet me.
Number one on my list of publishers I used to daydream about.
You’d think, with all the knock backs, I’d be jumping for joy and shouting from the rooftops, right? Wrong. Instead, I felt really cautious. I kept telling myself it didn’t mean they wanted to publish me, it was just a meeting. By doing this I was letting all the previous knock backs get to me, again.
It’s sometimes hard to allow yourself to believe that something good is happening to you.
Some people even think they don’t DESERVE to have good things happen to them. For example, if someone has had a hard time growing up, it can be very difficult for them to accept that good things are finally happening. Or if you have always been told you would never achieve anything, it can be hard to accept that you HAVE achieved something good.
I remember feeling a little excited as I walked up to the huge HarperCollins building. I felt a little nervous and a little happy – but I didn’t let it show. Although I had never got this far before, I was used to getting rejections. A part of me was protecting myself against
another one.
Luckily, the meeting went great. I met with my agent, an editor and the head of publicity at HarperCollins. The building I had daydreamed about was actually real. With bricks, a floor and everything! The people were also real, not images in my imagination. This wasn’t a visualization. This wasn’t a daydream.
This was real.
A day later, they, HarperCollins made an offer for my book.
When Judith, my agent, told me about the offer, I felt…nothing. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it was because after all those years, I felt drained of any emotion. I suppose I felt numb. It wasn’t until three hours after the phone call that I dared to say to myself, ‘I’m a writer. I am a writer!’ I still had a fear, deep down, that things could even now go ‘belly up’. That the publishers could have a change of heart. When I told a few mates and a few colleagues at work, I had one eye on the phone. I hoped there wouldn’t be a call telling me that the publishers had made a mistake and they had decided not to publish my book after all.
You may find that this happens a lot when you experience moments that bring you closer to your dream. However small or big the joy you receive, make sure you allow yourself to experience it. You deserve it and you have worked hard for it – I just needed to follow that advice, too!
Friends and colleagues continued to tell me I was too calm. But one night I got home from work and my neighbour said; ‘I have something for you.’ It was a bunch of flowers (delivered while I was at work) from my publishers. How my heart raced that evening as I danced around my flat, singing, giddy, happy and finally enjoying my moment!!
At last.
12. Reaching That Star
What followed was a whirlwind.
The publishers gave a champagne reception for me where I met lots of people. I was greeted with, ‘I really enjoyed your book, Lola!’ Now that was weird. For months the characters in my book By The Time You Read This…had been living in my head. Now people I had never met before were telling me how much they had enjoyed reading about them! The whole experience was amazing. I was closer and closer to realizing my dream of having a published book in the shops. I allowed myself to experience the joy and the happiness, while at the back of my mind wondering if it was acceptable to feel this H.A.P.P.Y.
I know I’ve mentioned it before but I have to say it again: fear can prevent us from doing so much with our lives. Even if you get over the fear of applying for a job you have wanted for ages and send off the application form, the fear starts all over again if you get an interview. ‘Will they like me?’ Then if you get the job it’s, ‘Will I be able to fit in?’ Then it’s, ‘Will I be able to get that promotion?’ Mine was, ‘What if it all goes wrong and then I get to look like a wally?’
How you react to finally reaching your goal, whether it is passing a test, winning a football match, or being offered a job you never thought you’d get, is personal to you. You may scream out from the top of your voice or dance around the street in a silly hat. Just make sure you mark it in some way and don’t let fear take over.
From a Dream to Reality
Even though my dream was fast becoming a reality, I was still not able to take my own advice and allow myself to enjoy the moments that kept coming my way. On top of the disbelief I have talked about above, I suppose I also didn’t want people around me to think I had suddenly got big headed. Who knows? All I know is, when my publishers organized a photo shoot for my book jacket, I forgot all about my insecurities and really went for it. It was a cold December morning and me and the professional photographer, Joby, did some shots of me in and outside my home. Being photographed by a professional and knowing it was for the cover of my book made it all the more exciting. I remember one text that came through on my phone that day as I pranced about pretending to be an ageing supermodel. It said:
‘Enjoy it. You deserve it.’
The same goes for you and whatever your dream happens to be – you deserve it. Keep reminding yourself of this. I know there is a fine line between arrogance and confidence. But try and keep confident even when it’s the last thing you feel. Motivate, re-motivate and then motivate again.
Almost There
When the time came for me to see my real book being published, my editor Claire kindly arranged for me to watch it being printed. My book multiplied time and time again and spat out of huge machines; oh the noise, the joy, the excitement. I can’t even describe how it really felt (I know, and I’m supposed to be a writer!). All I can say is that it was absolutely amazing and was ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE SO FAR. It was hard not to jump about like a mad woman, screaming and shouting, so I did!
I wasn’t holding back anymore I WAS FULLY ENJOYING MY MOMENT! I just couldn’t believe that my book was actually being printed in front of me. Wow. I felt like that little girl again singing in front of the mirror with my hairbrush.
When my book was actually handed to me, all gleaming, fresh and new, I didn’t dare open it. I just kept staring at it in wonder, with this really gormless expression on my face. In my hands was my newly published book, a real book. The same book that would be sold in bookshops and supermarkets across the United Kingdom, Australia, New Zealand and parts of Canada!
My book!
Unleashing Your Dream
It’s here.
You’re smelling it.
You’re tasting it.
You’re living it.
Your dream.
There are many ways that you can keep your position once you have reached your dream. A comedian who finally reaches his dream of playing at the Royal Variety Performance can avoid becoming too complacent or ‘comfortable’ by constantly working hard to keep putting out great jokes. Similarly, I will continue to write and try to get better at it.
In the meantime, I had a launch party to go to.
Mine.
With days to go before the official publication of my book By The Time You Read This… I threw a launch party for my family, friends and colleagues. This was my way of presenting my book to my world. But it was also my way of saying; ‘Look, I’ve done it!’
Of course a prickle of fear appeared. This time it was, ‘What if no one turns up?’ But I need not have worried, because when I walked into the bar in Piccadilly Circus I found myself faced with a hundred or so people waiting for me! Almost everyone I had invited had turned up and I seriously couldn’t believe it at first, especially when they started to cheer and clap. It was then that I started jumping about screaming, madly excited at everything. Personally, I think I was screaming for the last few stressful days, months, years it had taken for me to get to where I was – oh, and the shock of seeing that almost everyone had shown up!
Speeches followed, and my editor Claire mentioned just how enthusiastic and hard-working I was. Even though this produced lighthearted scoffs from a few former work colleagues, I was so grateful that she recognized these points in me. It has and will always be important to me for people to know that things were not handed to me on a plate. Getting published, like most dreams, is something that took hard work, determination and drive.
I began my speech with; ‘Success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration…’
I thanked a whole bunch of people I felt had played a part in my getting to where I was. Hilary was there, and I let her know that her support over the years had never been forgotten. I still have to find the editor who tried to ‘push’ me at her publishers, but find her I will, if only to thank her for her belief in me all those years ago. Because no matter how hard you work, if there are people along the way who have tried for you, or even said a few kind and encouraging words, it’s always good to find them when you have reached your star. Let them know how their contribution was appreciated.
That evening I signed my freshly published books, feeling more and more like a writer as the night went on. It was strange to think that people would soon be peering deep into my private thoughts and seeing pieces of my imagination through the pages of my book. I’d been so pr
ivate with my writing in the past – and now almost everyone I knew was about to start reading my work, MY DREAM! What an amazing and scary thought!
Indeed, depending on what your goal is, when you reach it, it then becomes more than just ‘your thing’. It becomes something to somebody else too. An example would be your skill as a gym instructor: once you have qualified and you have clients, they are then using your skill to try to become fitter. When you finish your training as a caterer, the dishes you make will be eaten by others. In both these examples, your dream has become something to someone else, and this means it’s going to be judged. That sounds heavy. But I dealt with those feelings on the night of my launch party as I noticed people flicking through the pages of my book, ready to read them as soon as they could. I was tempted to say, ‘Be nice. It’s fragile. It (or I) has feelings…’ But I didn’t, because, actually, my book is strong, it’s robust and so am I. It’s the book I have always wanted to write. It can look after itself now (and besides, I had Book Two needing my attention!). So that night I let my book go off into the world to be judged and looked at. And I was fine with that. You will be too, as long as you are confident that you have given it your all and very best. Self-belief, confidence in your abilities and/or the product you are trying to get off the ground, remains utterly important, because if you don’t have it – who else will?
13. The Sky’s The Limit
The morning after my book launch, I checked out of the hotel I’d booked myself into as a launch treat. I just happened to bump into a certain Mr Will Smith – yes the actor – as he was leaving a press conference for Nelson Mandela’s birthday celebrations. And this was BIG on so many levels. Not least because I had mentioned him in my speech the night before AND had always imagined Will Smith as my main character in By The Time You Read This…(that’s if it is ever made into a movie!). But to say the least, it was timely and an absolute joy to see him the day after the launch party and the day the book had started to appear in the shops.