Hopeless

by Hoover, Colleen

  Passionate.

  He’s passionate about life, about love, about his words, about Les. And I’ll be damned if I wasn’t just added to his list. The intensity he conveys isn’t unnerving…it’s beautiful. I’ve gone so long trying to find ways to feel numb any chance I get, but seeing the enthusiasm behind his eyes right now…it makes me want to feel every single thing about life. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the pleasure, the pain. I want that. I want to start feeling life the same way he does. And my first step to doing so starts with this hopeless boy in front of me who’s pouring his heart out, searching for that perfect word, wanting desperately to help me add feeling back into living.

  Back into living.

  The word comes to me like it’s always been there, tucked away between like and love in the dictionary, right where it belongs. “Living,” I say.

  The desperation in his eyes eases slightly, and he lets out a short, confused laugh. “What?” He shakes his head, trying to understand my response.

  “Live. If you mix the letters up in the words like and love, you get live. You can use that word.”

  He laughs again, but this time it’s a laugh of relief. He wraps his arms around me and he kisses me with nothing but a hell of a lot of relief. “I live you, Sky,” he says against my lips. “I live you so much.”

  I have no idea how he does it, but I’ve completely forgiven him, have become infatuated with him and now I can’t stop kissing him, all in the span of fifteen minutes. He definitely has a way with words. I’m starting to not mind that it takes him so long to think of them. He pulls away from my mouth and smiles, grabbing my waist with his hands.

  “So what do you want to do for your birthday?” he asks, pulling me down off the bar. He gives me another quick peck on the mouth and walks to the living room where his wallet and keys are on the end table.

  “We don’t have to do anything. I don’t expect you to entertain me just because it’s my birthday.”

  He slips his keys into the pocket of his pants and looks up at me. His mouth hints at a wicked smile and he won’t stop staring at me.

  “What?” I ask. “You look guilty.”

  He laughs and shrugs. “I was just thinking of all the ways I could entertain you if we stayed here today. Which is exactly why we need to leave.”

  Which is exactly why I want to stay here.

  “We could go see my Mom,” I suggest.

  “Your mom?” He looks at me warily.

  “Yeah. She runs an herbal booth at the flea market. It’s the place she goes the first weekend of every month. I never go because she’s there fourteen hours a day and I get bored. But it’s one of the biggest flea markets in the world and I’ve always wanted to go walk around. It’s only an hour and a half drive. They have funnel cake,” I add, trying to make it sound enticing.

  Holder walks back to me and wraps his arms around me. “If you want to go to the flea market, then we’re going to the flea market. I’m gonna run home and change and I have something I need to do. Pick you up in an hour?”

  I nod. I know it’s just a flea market, but I’m excited. I don’t know how Karen will feel with me showing up unannounced with Holder. I haven’t really told her anything about him, so I feel bad sort of springing him on her like this. It’s her own fault, though. If she didn’t ban technology I could call her and give her a heads up.

  Holder gives me another quick peck and walks to the front door.

  “Hey,” I say, just as he’s about to walk out. He spins around and looks at me. “It’s my birthday and the last two kisses you’ve given me have been pretty damn pathetic. If you expect me to spend the day with you, I suggest you start kissing me like a boyfriend kisses his…”

  The word slips from my mouth and I immediately cut the rest of the sentence off. We still haven’t discussed labels yet and the fact that we just made up within the past half hour makes my lackadaisical use of the word boyfriend feel like something Matty-boy would have said to me. “I mean…” I stutter, then I just give up and clamp my mouth shut. I can’t recover from that.

  He’s turned around facing me, still standing by the front door. He’s not smiling. He’s looking at me with that look again, holding my gaze with his, not speaking. He tilts his head toward me and raises both of his eyebrows curiously. “Did you just refer to me as your boyfriend?”

  He’s not smiling about the fact that I just referred to him as my boyfriend and that realization makes me wince. God, this seems so childish.

  “No,” I say stubbornly, folding my arms across my chest. “Only cheesy fourteen-year-olds do that.”

  He takes a few steps toward me, never changing his expression. He stops two feet in front of me and mirrors my stance. “That’s too bad. Because when I thought you referred to me as your boyfriend just now, it made me want to kiss the living hell out of you.” He narrows his eyes and there’s a playful look about him that immediately relieves the knot in my stomach. He turns around and heads back to the door. “I’ll see you in an hour.” He opens the door and turns around before he leaves, slowly easing his way outside, teasing me with his playful grin and lickable dimples.

  I sigh and roll my eyes. “Holder, wait.”

  He pauses and proudly leans against the doorframe.

  “You better come kiss your girlfriend goodbye,” I say, feeling every bit as cheesy as I sound. His face washes with victory and he walks back into the living room. He slips his hand to the small of my back and pulls me against him. It’s our first freestanding kiss and I love the way he’s securing me protectively with his arm around my lower back. He traces his fingers along my cheek and runs them through my hair, bringing his lips closer to mine. He’s not staring at my lips, though. He’s looking straight into my eyes and his are full of something I can’t place. It’s not lust this time; it’s more like a look of appreciation.

  He continues to stare at me without closing the gap between our lips. He’s not teasing me or trying to get me to kiss him first. He’s just looking at me with appreciation and affection, and it turns my heart to butter. My hands are on his shoulders, so I slowly run them up his neck and through his hair, enjoying whatever this silent moment is that’s occurring between us. His chest rises and falls against the rhythm of mine and his eyes begin searching my face, scrolling over every feature. The way he’s looking at me is causing my entire body to grow weak, and I’m thankful his arm is still locked around my waist.

  He lowers his forehead to mine and lets out a long sigh, looking at me with a look that’s quickly turned into something resembling pain. It prompts me to slide my hands down to his cheeks and softly stroke them with my fingers, wanting to take away whatever it is that’s behind those eyes right now.

  “Sky,” he says, focusing on me intently. He says it like he’s about to follow it up with something profound, but instead, my name is the only thing he says. He slowly brings his mouth to mine and our lips meet. He inhales a deep breath as he presses his closed lips against mine, breathing me into him. He pulls away and looks back down into my eyes for several more seconds, stroking my cheek. I’ve never been savored like this before, and it’s absolutely beautiful.

  He dips his head again and rests his lips against mine, my top lip between both of his. He kisses me as soft as possible, treating my mouth as though it’s breakable. I part my lips and allow him to deepen his kiss, which he does, but even then it’s still soft. It’s appreciative and gentle and he keeps one hand on the back of my head and one on my hip as he slowly tastes and teases every part of my mouth. This kiss is just like he is—studied and never in a hurry.

  Just when my mind has succumbed to every part of being wrapped up in him, his lips come to a standstill and he slowly pulls back. My eyes flutter open and I let out a breath that may have been mixed with the words, “Oh my.”

  Seeing my breathless reaction causes him to break out with a smug grin. “That was our first official kiss as a couple.”

  I wait for the panic
to set in, but it doesn’t. “A couple,” I repeat, quietly.

  “Damn straight.” He still has his hand on my lower back and I’m pressed against him, looking up at his eyes as they focus down on me. “And don’t worry,” he adds. “I’ll be informing Grayson myself. I ever see him trying to touch you like he does and he’ll be reintroduced to my fist.”

  His hand moves from my lower back and up to my cheek. “I’m really leaving now. I’ll see you in an hour. I live you.” He gives me a quick peck on the lips and backs away, then turns toward the door.

  “Holder?” I say as soon as I suck enough breath back into my lungs to speak. “What do you mean by reintroduced? Have you and Grayson been in a fight before?”

  Holder’s expression turns into a tight-lipped blank one and he nods, but barely. “I told you before, babe. He’s not a good person.” The door closes behind him and he leaves me with even more questions. But what’s new?

  I decide to forego my own shower and call Six, instead. I’ve got a lot to catch her up on. I run to my room and crawl out the window, then slide hers up and pull myself inside. I pick up the phone by her bed and take out my cell phone to find the text that she sent with her international number. When I start dialing, my cell phone receives an incoming message from Holder.

  I’m really dreading spending all day with you. This doesn’t sound like fun at all. Also, your sundress is really unflattering and way too summery, but you should definitely keep it on.

  I grin. Dammit, I really do live this hopeless boy.

  I dial the number to reach Six and lay back on her bed. She answers groggily on the third ring.

  “Hey,” I say. “You sleeping?”

  I can hear her yawn. “Obviously not. But you really need to start taking time differences into consideration.”

  I laugh. “Six? It’s afternoon there. Even if I did take time differences into consideration, it wouldn’t matter with you.”

  “I had a rough morning,” she says, defensively. “I miss your face. What’s up?”

  “Not much.”

  “You lie. You sound annoyingly happy. I’m guessing you and Holder finally worked out whatever the hell happened at school that day?”

  “Yep. And you are the first to know that I, Linden Sky Davis, am now a taken woman.”

  She groans. “Why anyone would subject themselves to that sort of misery is beyond me. But I’m happy for you.”

  “Tha…” I was about to say thanks, but my words are cut off by a very loud “Oh my, God!” from Six’s end.

  “What?”

  “I forgot. It’s your freaking birthday and I forgot! Happy birthday Sky and holy crap I’m the worst best friend ever.”

  “It’s okay,” I laugh. “I’m sort of glad you forgot. You know how I hate presents and surprises and everything else that comes with birthdays.”

  “Oh, wait. I just remembered how incredibly awesome I am. Check behind your dresser today.”

  I roll my eyes. “Figures.”

  “And tell your new boyfriend to get him some damn minutes.”

  “Will do. I gotta go, your mom’s gonna shit when she sees this phone bill.”

  “Yeah, well…she should be more in tune with the earth like your mom.”

  I laugh. “Love you, Six. Be safe, okay?”

  “Love you, too. And Sky?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You sound happy. I’m happy you’re happy.”

  I smile and the line disconnects. I head back to my room and, as much as I hate presents, I’m still human and naturally curious. I immediately walk to my dresser and look behind it. On the floor is a wrapped box, so I bend down and pick it up. I walk to my bed and sit, then slide the lid off of it. It’s a box full of Snickers.

  Dammit, I love her.

  I’m standing at my window impatiently waiting when Holder finally pulls up into the driveway. I walk out my front door and lock it behind me, then turn toward the car and freeze. He’s not alone. The passenger door opens and a guy steps out. When he turns around, I’m positive my facial expression is stuck between an OMG and a WTF. I’m learning.

  Breckin is holding the passenger door open with a huge grin on his face. “Hope you don’t mind a third wheel today. My second best friend in the whole wide world invited me to come.”

  I reach the passenger door, confused as hell. Breckin waits until I climb inside, then he opens the back door and climbs into the back seat. I lean forward and tilt my head toward Holder who’s laughing like he just revealed the punch line to a really funny joke. A joke I’m not a part of.

  “Would one of you like to explain what the hell is going on?” I say.

  Holder grabs my hand and pulls it to his mouth, giving my knuckles a kiss. “I’ll let Breckin explain. He talks faster, anyway.”

  I spin around in my seat as Holder begins backing out of the driveway. I arch an eyebrow at Breckin.

  He shoots me a clear look of guilt. “I’ve sort of had a double alliance going on for about two weeks now,” he says sheepishly.

  I shake my head, attempting to wrap this confession around my mind. I glance back and forth between them. “Two weeks? You guys have been talking for two weeks? Without me? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I was sworn to secrecy,” Breckin says.

  “But…”

  “Turn around and put your seatbelt on,” Holder says to me.

  I glare at him. “In a minute. I’m trying to figure out why you made up with Breckin two weeks ago, but it took you until today to make up with me.”

  He glances at me, then looks back at the road in front of him. “Breckin deserved an apology. I acted like an asshole that day.”

  “And I didn’t deserve one?”

  He looks at me dead on this time. “No,” he says firmly, turning his gaze back to the road. “You don’t deserve words, Sky. You deserve actions.”

  I stare at him, wondering how long he stayed up at night forming that perfect sentence. He glances back at me and lets go of my hand, then tickles the top of my thigh. “Quit being so serious. Your boyfriend and your very best friend in the whole wide world are taking you to a flea market.”

  I laugh and slap his hand away. “How can I feel happy when my alliance has been infiltrated? You two have a hell of a lot of kissing up to do today.”

  Breckin rests his chin on the top of my headrest and looks down at me. “I think I’ve been the one that suffered the most out of this ordeal. Your boyfriend has ruined my last two Friday nights in a row, moping and whining about how much he wants you but how he doesn’t want to let you down and blah, blah, blah. It’s been rough not complaining to you about him at lunch every day.”

  Holder darts his head back toward Breckin. “Well, now you two can complain about me all you want. Life is back to how it should be.” He slides his fingers through mine and squeezes my hand. My skin tingles and I’m not sure if it’s from his touch or his words.

  “I still think I deserve an ass kissing today,” I say to both of them. “I want you to buy me whatever I want at the flea market. I don’t care how much it costs or how big and heavy it is.”

  “Damn straight,” Breckin says.

  I groan. “Oh, God, Holder’s already rubbing off on you.”

  Breckin laughs and reaches over the seat to grab my hands, then pulls me toward him. “He must be, because I really want to cuddle you in the backseat right now,” Breckin says.

  “I’m not rubbing off on you that much if you think I’d only be cuddling her in a backseat,” Holder says. He slaps me on the ass right before I fall into the back with Breckin.

  “You can’t be serious,” Holder says, holding the saltshaker I just placed in his hands. We’ve been walking around the flea market for over an hour now and I’m sticking to my plan. They’re buying me whatever the hell I want. I have a betrayal to overcome and it’s going to take a lot of random purchases before I feel better.

  I look at the figurine in his hands and nod. “You’re right. I sho
uld get the matching set.” I pick up the peppershaker and hand it to him. They aren’t anything I would ever want. I’m not sure how they could be anything anyone would ever want. Who makes ceramic salt and peppershakers fashioned out of small and large intestines?

  “I bet they belonged to a doctor,” Breckin says, admiring them with me. I reach into Holder’s pocket and pull out his wallet, then turn to the man behind the table. “How much?”

  He shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says, unenthusiastically. “A dollar each?”

  “How about a dollar for both?” I ask. He takes the dollar out of my hands and nods us away.

  “Way to bargain,” Holder says, shaking his head. “These better be on your kitchen table next time I come over.”

  “Gross, no,” I say. “Who’d want to stare at guts while they eat?”

  We browse a few more pavilions until we reach the pavilion Karen and Jack are set up in. When we reach their booth, Karen does a double take, eyeing Breckin and Holder.

  “Hey,” I say, holding out my hands. “Surprise!”

  Jack jumps up and walks around the booth, giving me a quick hug. Karen follows him and is eyeing me guardedly the entire time.

  “Relax,” I say, after seeing her eye both Holder and Breckin with concern. “Neither one of them are getting me pregnant this weekend.”

  She laughs and finally wraps her arms around me. “Happy Birthday.” She pulls back and her motherly instincts kick in about fifteen seconds too late. “Wait. Why are you here? Is everything okay? Are you okay? Is the house okay?”

  “It’s fine. I’m fine. I was just bored so I asked Holder to come shopping with me.”

  Holder is behind me introducing himself to Jack. Breckin slips past me and gives Karen a hug. “I’m Breckin,” he says. “I’m in an alliance to overtake the public school system and all its minions with your daughter.”

  “Was,” I clarify, glaring at Breckin. “He was in an alliance with me.”

  “I like you already,” Karen says, smiling at Breckin. She looks past me at Holder and shakes his hand. “Holder,” she says politely. “How are you?”