Hopeless

by Hoover, Colleen

  She shakes her head and looks down at the grass. “No, I’m not,” she says quietly, convinced in her belief.

  I reach out and take her other hand in mine and look her directly in the eyes. “Yes, you are. You’re incredibly brave. And you’re going to make it through this because you have a very strong heart. A heart that is capable of loving so much about life and people in a way you never dreamt a heart could love. And you’re beautiful.” I press my hand to her heart. “In here. Your heart is so beautiful and someday someone is going to love that heart like it deserves to be loved.”

  She pulls one of her hands back and wipes her eyes with it. “How do you know all that?”

  I lean forward and wrap my arms around her completely. She returns my embrace by putting her arms around me and letting me hold her. I lean my head down and whisper in her ear. “I know, because I’ve been through exactly what you’re going through. I know how bad it hurts your heart that your daddy does this to you, because he did it to me, too. I know how much you hate him for it, but I also know how much you love him because he’s your daddy. And it’s okay, Hope. It’s okay to love the good parts of him because he’s not all bad. It’s also okay to hate those bad parts of him that make you so sad. It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel. Just promise me that you will never, ever feel guilty. Promise me that you will never blame yourself. It’s not your fault. You’re just a little girl and it’s not your fault that your life is so much harder than it should be. And as much as you’ll want to forget these things ever happened to you and as much as you’ll want to forget this part of your life existed, I need for you to remember.”

  I can feel her arms trembling against me now and she’s quietly crying against my chest. Her tears force the release of my own tears. “I want you to remember who you are, despite the bad things that are happening to you. Because those bad things aren’t you. They are just things that happen to you. You need to accept that who you are, and the things that happen to you, are not one and the same.”

  I gently lift her head off of my chest and look into her brown, tearful eyes. “Promise me that no matter what, you will never be ashamed of who you are, no matter how bad you want to be. And this might not make sense to you right now, but I want you to promise me that you will never let the things your daddy does to you define and separate you from who you are. Promise me that you will never lose Hope.”

  She nods her head as I wipe her tears away with my thumbs. “I promise,” she says. She smiles up at me and for the first time since seeing her big brown eyes, there’s a trace of life in them. I pull her onto my lap and she wraps her arms around my neck as I hold her and rock her, both of us crying in each other’s arms.

  “Hope, I promise that from this point forward, I will never, ever let you go. I’m going to hold you and carry you with me in my heart forever. You’ll never have to be alone again.”

  I’m crying into Hope’s hair, but when I open my eyes I’m crying into Holder’s arms. “Did you talk to her?” he asks.

  I nod my head. “Yes.” I’m not even trying to choke back the tears. “I told her everything.”

  Holder begins to sit up, so I move up with him. He turns toward me and takes my face in his hands. “No, Sky. You didn’t tell her everything…you told you everything. Those things happened to you, not to someone else. They happened to Hope. They happened to Sky. They happened to the best friend that I loved all those years ago, and they happened to the best friend I love who’s looking back at me right now.” He presses his lips to mine and kisses me, then pulls away. It’s not until I look back at him that I notice he’s crying with me. “Baby, you need to be proud of the fact that you survived everything you went through as a child. Don’t separate yourself from that life. Embrace it, because I’m so fucking proud of you. Every smile I see on your face just blows me away, because I know the courage and strength it took when you were just a little girl to ensure that part of you remained. And your laugh? My God, Sky. Think about how much courage it took you to laugh again after everything that happened to you. And your heart…” he says, shaking his head disbelievingly. “How your heart can possibly find a way to love and trust a man again proves that I’ve fallen in love with the bravest woman I’ve ever known. I know how much courage it took for you to allow me in after what your father did to you. And I swear I will spend every last breath thanking you for allowing yourself to love me. Thank you so much for loving me, Linden Sky Hope.”

  He pronounces each of my names slowly, not even attempting to wipe away my tears because there are too many. I throw my arms around his neck and let him hold me. All seventeen years of me.

  The sun is so bright; it’s beaming through the blanket I’ve pulled over my eyes. It’s not the sun that woke me up, though. It was the sound of Holder’s voice.

  “Look, you have no idea what she’s been through the past two days,” Holder says. He’s trying to speak softly, either in an attempt not to wake me, or in an attempt for me not to hear his conversation. I don’t hear anyone speak in return, so he must be on the phone. Who the hell is he talking to, though?

  “I understand your need to defend her. Believe me, I do. But you both need to know that she’s not walking inside that house alone.”

  There’s a long pause before he sighs heavily into the phone. “I need to make sure she eats something, so give us some time. Yes, I promise. I’m waking her up as soon as I hang up. We’ll leave within the hour.”

  He doesn’t say goodbye, but I hear the phone drop onto the table. Within seconds, the bed dips and he’s sliding an arm around me. “Wake up, babe,” he says into my ear.

  I don’t move. “I am awake,” I say from underneath the covers. I feel his head press into my shoulder.

  “So you heard that?” he asks, his voice low.

  “Who was it?”

  He shifts on the bed and pulls the covers off of my head. “Jack. He claims Karen confessed everything to him last night. He’s worried about her. He needs you to talk to her.”

  My heart stops mid-beat. “She confessed?” I ask warily, sitting up in the bed.

  He nods. “We didn’t go into details, but he seems to know what’s going on. I did tell him about your father, though…only because Karen wanted to know if you saw him. When I woke up today it was on the news. They ruled it a suicide, based on the fact that he called it in himself. They aren’t even opening it for investigation.” He holds my hand and caresses it with his thumb. “Sky, Jack sounds desperate for you to come back. I think he’s right…we need to go back and finish this. You won’t be alone. I’ll be there and Jack will be there. And from the sound of it, Karen is cooperating. I know it’s hard but we don’t have a choice.”

  He’s talking to me like I need to be convinced, when really I’m ready. I need to see her face-to-face in order to get the last of my questions answered. I throw the covers off of me completely and scoot off the bed, then stand up and stretch. “I need to brush my teeth and change first. Then we can go.” I walk to the bathroom and don’t turn around, but I can feel the pride rolling off of him. He’s proud of me.

  Holder hands me his cell phone once we’re on the road. “Here. Breckin and Six are both worried about you. Karen got their numbers out of your cell phone and has been calling them all weekend, trying to find you.”

  “Did you talk to either of them?”

  He nods. “I spoke with Breckin this morning, right before Jack called. I told him you and your mother got into a fight and you just wanted to get away for a few days. He’s fine with that explanation.”

  “What about Six?”

  He glances at me and gives me a half smile. “Six you might need to contact. I’ve been talking to her through email. I tried to appease her with the same story I told Breckin, but she wasn’t buying it. She said you and Karen don’t fight and I need to tell her the truth before she flies back to Texas and kicks my ass.”

  I wince, knowing Six must be worried sick about me. I haven’t texted h
er in days, so I decide to put off calling Breckin and shoot Six an email, instead.

  “How do you email someone?” I ask. Holder laughs and takes his phone, pressing a few buttons. He hands it back to me and points to the screen.

  “Just type what you need to say in there, then hand it back to me and I’ll send it.”

  I type out a short email, telling her that I found out a few things about my past and I needed to get away for a few days. I assure her that I’ll call her to explain everything in the next few days, but I’m really not sure that I’ll actually tell her the truth. At this point, I’m not sure I want anyone to know about my situation. Not until I have all the answers.

  Holder sends the email, then takes my hand and laces his fingers through mine. I focus my gaze out the window and stare up at the sky.

  “You hungry?” he asks, after driving in complete silence for over an hour. I shake my head. I’m too nervous to eat anything, knowing I’m about to face Karen. I’m too nervous to even hold a normal conversation. I’m too nervous to do anything but stare out the window and wonder where I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

  “You need to eat, babe. You’ve barely eaten anything in three days and with your tendency to pass out, I don’t think food would be a bad idea right now.”

  He won’t give up until I eat, so I just relent. “Fine,” I mumble.

  He ends up choosing a roadside Mexican Restaurant after I fail to make a choice as to where to eat. I order something off the lunch menu, just to appease him. I more than likely won’t be able to eat anything.

  “You want to play Dinner Quest?” he says, dipping a tortilla chip into his salsa.

  I shrug. I really don’t want to face what I’ll be doing in five hours, so maybe this will help get my mind off of things. “I guess. On one condition, though. I don’t want to talk about anything that has anything to do with the first few years of my life, the last three days or the next twenty-four hours.”

  He smiles, seemingly relieved. Maybe he doesn’t want to think about any of it, either.

  “Ladies first,” he says.

  “Then put down that chip,” I say, eyeing the food he’s about to put in his mouth.

  His eyes drop to the chip and he frowns playfully. “Make it a quick question then, because I’m starving.”

  I take advantage of my turn by downing a drink of my soda, then taking a bite of the chip that I just took out of his hands. “Why do you love running so much?” I ask.

  “I’m not sure,” he says, sinking back into his seat. “I started running when I was thirteen. It started out as a way to get away from Les and her annoying friends. Sometimes I would just need out of the house. The squealing and cackling of thirteen-year-old girls can be extremely painful. I liked the silence that came with running. If you haven’t noticed, I’m sort of a thinker, so it helps me to clear my head.”

  I laugh. “I’ve noticed,” I say. “Have you always been like that?”

  He grins and shakes his head. “That’s two questions. My turn.” He takes the chip out of my hand that I was about to eat and he pops it into his mouth, then takes a drink of his soda. “Why didn’t you ever show up for track tryouts?”

  I cock my eyebrow and laugh. “That’s an odd question to ask now. That was two months ago.”

  He shakes his head and points a chip at me. “No judging when it comes to my choice in questions.”

  “Fine,” I laugh. “I don’t know, really. School just wasn’t what I thought it would be. I didn’t expect the other girls to be so mean. None of them even spoke to me unless it was to inform me of what a slut I was. Breckin was the only person in that whole school who made any effort.”

  “That’s not true,” Holder says. “You’re forgetting about Shayla.”

  I laugh. “You mean Shayna?”

  “Whatever,” he says, shaking his head. “Your go.” He quickly shoves another chip in his mouth and grins at me.

  “Why did your parents divorce?”

  He gives me a tight-lipped smile and drums his fingers lightly on the table, then shrugs his shoulders. “I guess it was time for them to,” he says, indifferently.

  “It was time?” I ask, confused by his vague answer. “Is there an expiration date on marriages nowadays?”

  He shrugs. “For some people, yes.”

  I’m interested in his thought process now. I’m hoping he doesn’t move on to his turn now that my question has been asked, because I really want to know his views on this. Not that I’m planning on getting married anytime soon. But he is the guy I’m in love with, so it wouldn’t hurt to know his stance so I’m not as shocked years down the road.

  “Why do you think their marriage had a time limit?” I ask.

  “All marriages have a time limit if you enter them for the wrong reasons. Marriage doesn’t get easier…it only gets harder. If you marry someone hoping it will improve things, you might as well set your timer the second you say, ‘I do.’”

  “What wrong reasons did they have to get married?”

  “Me and Les,” he says emphatically. “They knew each other less than a month when my mother got pregnant. My dad married her, thinking it was the right thing to do, when maybe the right thing to do was to never knock her up in the first place.”

  “Accidents happen,” I say.

  “I know. Which is why they’re now divorced.”

  I shake my head, sad that he’s so casual about his parent’s lack of love for each other. I guess it’s been eight years, though. The ten-year-old Holder may not have been so casual about the divorce as it was actually occurring. “But you don’t think divorce is inevitable for every marriage?”

  He folds his arms across the table and leans forward, narrowing his eyes. “Sky, if you’re wondering if I have commitment issues, the answer is no. Someday in the far, far, far away future…like post-college future…when I propose to you…which I will be doing one day because you aren’t getting rid of me…I won’t be marrying you with the hope that our marriage will work out. When you become mine, it’ll be a forever thing. I’ve told you before that the only thing that matters to me with you are the forevers, and I mean that.”

  I smile at him, somehow a little bit more in love with him than I was thirty seconds ago. “Wow. You didn’t need much time to think those words out.”

  He shakes his head. “That’s because I’ve been thinking about forever with you since the second I saw you in the grocery store.”

  Our food couldn’t have arrived at a more perfect time, because I have no idea how to respond to that. I pick up my fork to take a bite but he reaches across the table and snatches it out of my hand.

  “No cheating,” he says. “We’re not finished and I’m about to get really personal with my question.” He takes a bite of his food and chews it slowly as I wait for him to ask me his “really personal” question. After he takes a drink, he takes another bite of food and grins at me, purposefully dragging out his turn so he can eat.

  “Ask me a damn question,” I say with feigned irritation.

  He laughs and wipes his mouth with his napkin, then leans forward. “Are you on birth control?” he asks in a hushed voice.

  His question makes me laugh; because it really isn’t all that personal when you’re asking the girl you’re having sex with. “No, I’m not,” I admit. “I never really had a reason to be on it before you came barging into my life.”

  “Well, I want you on it,” he says decisively. “Make an appointment this week.”

  I balk at his rudeness. “You could ask me a little more politely, you know.”

  He arches an eyebrow as he takes a sip of his drink, then places it calmly back down on the table in front of him. “My bad.” He smiles and flashes his dimples at me. “Let me rephrase my words, then,” he says, lowering his voice to a husky whisper. “I plan on making love to you, Sky. A lot. Pretty much any chance we get, because I rather enjoyed you this weekend, despite the circumstances surrounding it all. So in order
for me to continue to make love to you, I would very much appreciate it if you would make alternative contraceptive arrangements so that we don’t find ourselves in a pregnancy-induced marriage with an expiration date on it. Do you think you could do that for me? So that we can continue to have lots and lots and lots of sex?”

  I keep my eyes locked on his as I slide my empty glass to the waitress who is now staring at Holder with her jaw wide open. I keep a straight face when I reply.

  “That’s much better,” I say. “And yes. I believe I can arrange that.”

  He nods once, then slides his glass next to mine, glancing up at the waitress. She finally snaps out of her trance and quickly refills our glasses, then walks away. As soon as she’s gone, I glare at Holder and shake my head. “You’re evil, Dean Holder,” I laugh.

  “What?” he says innocently.

  “It should be illegal for the words ‘make love’ and ‘sex’ to flow past your lips when in the presence of any female besides the one who actually gets to experience you. I don’t think you realize what you do to women.”

  He shakes his head and attempts to brush off my comment.

  “I’m serious, Holder. Without trying to explode your ego, you should know that you’re incredibly appealing to pretty much any female with a pulse. I mean, think about it. I can’t even count the number of guys I’ve met in my life, yet somehow you’re the only one I’ve ever been attracted to? Explain that one.”

  He laughs. “That’s an easy one, babe.”

  “How so?”

  “Because,” he says, looking at me pointedly. “You already loved me before you saw me in the grocery store that day. Just because you blocked the memory of me out of your mind doesn’t mean you blocked the memory of me out of your heart.” He brings a forkful of food to his mouth, but pauses before he takes a bite. “Maybe you’re right, though. It could have just been the fact that you wanted to lick my dimples,” he says, shoving the forkful into his mouth.