Anything Less Than Everything

by Adkins, Heather

  It was upon looking back from where we came that I realized just how high up we were. It was without question the highest I had ever hiked (I’m more of a gym girl). Aaron was stopped just ahead, waiting for me. I couldn’t read the look on his face. His eyes were on me, but obviously not really looking at me, like he was deep in thought or trying to decide something.

  When I caught up, he seemed to let out a breath he was holding and smiled. “Let’s take the ‘road less traveled by,’” he said, indicating an unmarked trail. I raised an eyebrow at him.

  “Why?” I asked. “Is it going to make all the difference?” Aaron laughed and shrugged, and then headed up.

  The path was definitely less traveled. Maybe never traveled. There were rocks half-buried in the dirt, brambles draped across the trail, never mind the steep dirt. As we came to a particularly difficult spot, Aaron reached back to me and gave me his hand to help me up. And he didn’t let go.

  Oh. My. Goodness.

  We held hands for the rest of the hike up, which was probably only about five more minutes. His hand was exactly how I imagined it: strong, but soft; sure, but gentle in its grasp. My heart quickened, and I immediately tried to shut it down. Stop, Brooke. I told myself. He’s your best friend. There is nothing wrong with or weird about him holding your hand. Lots of friends do.

  When we reached the top, I let out a small gasp and dropped his hand. As I walked around the clearing, ringed with trees in every shade of green and wild rose bushes, I understood why he wanted to hike the harder trail.

  Toward the far end the trees cleared out, leaving a view of the valley below. Breath. Taking. Faint wisps of clouds floated through the sky, a shade of blue almost as bright and clear as Aaron’s eyes. Stop, Brooke.

  Aaron came up behind me, handing me a bottle of water from the backpack he’d brought with him. “How did you find this place?” I asked.

  He stared out at the expanse below for several moments before answering. “We moved here right before my freshman year of high school. My coaches in middle school didn’t think the high school where we lived at the time would do much for developing my game. We only moved like thirty minutes away, but when you’re fourteen, that might as well be across country. I missed my friends and my old school, and especially my old house and neighborhood.

  “I’d come here to run, you know, for football. Mom would drop me off here and take Sara to the playground. One day I noticed this little unmarked trail and just decided to see where it led me. In an environment where I felt so out of place, where I didn’t know anyone or anything, it was nice to have this little secret. I started coming here a lot, but never when anyone else was with me.” I felt him shift behind me; there could only be a few millimeters between us.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said.

  “It’s a great place to think, and I’d come here to think about important things. I spent a ton of time up here during the whole recruiting process. At some point, and I’m not really sure when, I decided that someone would have to be really special before I shared this place with them.” My back was to him, but I’m certain he could see my blush through my hair. I instinctively looked at the ground.

  I knew what he meant, though. Part of the reason I never fully opened up to people is because of the part of me I’d be unable to take back if and when the relationship ended. It’s why no one read my writing. Not even him. It’s why Spencer and I never did much more than kiss.

  Aaron paused. The air was charged with...something. I wasn’t sure what it was, exactly, but it felt like, maybe, that Aaron felt the same as I. My heart rate sped up at the thought of it, my mind flashed to that almost kiss on the swing two months earlier.

  And then Aaron leaned back away from me, letting out a breath, and that was it. Moment. Over.

  My mind went back to that near kiss. Shockingly, I rarely thought about it. He’d never brought it up, and so I hadn’t either. We’d been so close to changing our relationship in that moment, much like I felt we were about to just now. What would have happened if we had? Things were different now, of course. That night we were barely more than acquaintances. Something told me we wouldn’t be as close as we were had Jill not appeared. That if a strong romance hadn’t developed, we wouldn’t even be in contact.

  But what about now? Was it different? We were different, that was certain. And I was different. I was a completely different girl than the one he had almost kissed at the beginning of the summer. Which created a good case for why he might not want to kiss me now. Not that my transformation was bad, just that what we had now was different. My head pounded in confusion.

  But what he said still meant something. I decided. someone would have to be really special before I shared this place with them. I turned to face him, to really look at him. “Thank you for bringing me here,” I said.

  “Well, you’re pretty special,” he said.

  “Think so?”

  “Of course. You’re my Brooke.” He smiled my half smile.

  I followed him into the sort of shade where he spread out a blanket for us. He lay on his back, one arm thrown across his face to shield it from the sun. I flopped beside him on my stomach.

  “So I have a question,” I said with mock importance.

  “A question?” He kept his arm over his face, so I couldn’t see his expression.

  “Yes. A very important question.”

  “Ah,” he said, catching on. “By all means, ask away.”

  The fact was, I didn’t have a question prepared, but I felt the need to steer things back to what we knew, away from this weirdness. I thought quickly. “Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life?”

  Now he looked at me. “That is so not fair.”

  “Why not? I thought I could ask you anything.” I gave him a fake pout. He sighed and sat up on his elbows.

  “Yes, but there is no way to answer this question without--never mind. You’re right.” He stopped and thought for a minute. When he finally answered, it came out of nowhere. “Jed McCasland.”

  “Jed McCasland?”

  “What? You had someone better in mind?” He was getting a little defensive, which was too funny.

  “Not necessarily,” I said. “I just didn’t see that coming.” Jed McCasland was one of those actors who’d been around forever, acted in every type of movie possible, but never seemed to get older. His fame crossed generations. “Why him?”

  “I don’t know,” he said with a shrug. “He just seems to be able to play any role.” I rolled onto my back beside him. “What about you?”

  “Who would I pick to play me?” I asked.

  “No. Who would you cast as me.” Now this really wasn’t fair. I had not expected him to turn my question on me like that, even though he often did. I thought.

  “Well not Jed McCasland. I love a good eighties movie as much as the next girl, but he’s a little too brooding for you. And short.”

  “Okay,” he said. “Who then?”

  I thought for a second, tapping my finger against my mouth. “Jonah Blaiseman.”

  “Really.”

  “What?” I asked, shocked. “He’s tall and has dark hair and light eyes. He’d have to bulk up quite a bit, of course. You should be honored, anyway. He is the reigning Sexiest Man Alive.”

  “Oh, well then that changes things,” he said, playfully bumping my shoulder.

  He checked the time on his phone. “You about ready to head down? It’s easier than the climb up, I promise.”

  In the parking lot, just before we reached his truck, he stopped and pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me and tucking my head under his chin. “In case I haven’t told you, I’m really glad you’re here, Brooke.”

  “Me, too,” I said. And I was, but I couldn’t quite get that moment on the hill out of my mind. Something happened. Or almost did. But he’d pulled away, ended it. I’m not sure what I was hoping for, but something felt off, and that was something I’d never experienced with Aaron. We h
ad the perfect friendship, and now things were getting weird, just like I feared. I must not have been doing as good a job with keeping my feelings in check as I thought.

  Aaron’s phone rang on the drive back to his house. He spoke to whomever was on the other end, an old high school buddy I guessed based on his end of the conversation. I was glad we didn’t have to talk, and I hated that I felt that way.

  “I’ll get back to you and let you know,” he said before ending the call.

  We pulled into the driveway then, and he looked over at me. “Some of my friends are having a cookout tonight. It’s fine if you don’t want to go. I mean, we can do something else or--”

  “No,” I interrupted. “I mean, yes. That sounds like fun.”

  “You’re sure? You won’t know anyone there.”

  “I’ll know you, right?” Aaron smiled at me.

  “You’re incredible, you know that?”

  “I try.” I didn’t really want to be around a bunch of strangers, but it seemed more appealing than being alone with Aaron at the moment. I didn’t trust myself. Besides, I was not going to be the one who kept him from seeing old friends the one weekend he was in town.

  “What time should I be ready?” I asked.

  “A little before six?”

  “Perfect,” I said.

  Chapter 23

  I was nervous. It was ridiculous, of course, because it was just a barbecue with Aaron’s friends, but I was. Nothing in my suitcase looked right, seemed appropriate. I wasn’t sure if they knew our story, but if they did they probably thought Aaron was a little crazy for claiming some girl from Tennessee that he never saw as his best friend. My guess was that it was a very non-Aaron thing to do. It was a non-Brooke thing, too, but whatever.

  I finally settled on my kelly green sundress and some pewter sandals. It seemed appropriately casual, but still cute. I tried the same approach with my hair and makeup, and was more or less happy with the results. I glanced at the time on my phone: five forty-five. I spritzed my wrists with perfume, grabbed my purse and headed downstairs.

  Aaron was in the kitchen with his parents. He looked up as I walked into the room and greeted me with that half smile, the one I had decided was reserved only for me. I smiled back, but couldn’t keep my nervousness out of it. His parents standing there watching us only made it worse. Aaron stepped in and saved me.

  “Dad,” he said, “this is Brooke.” So that’s where he got his height. His dad, John, was easily six-five. And though his hair was graying, it was obvious it had once been dark like Aaron’s. Aaron’s features, though, were all Liz’s.

  “Hi, Brooke! Good to meet you.” I smiled in response and shook his outstretched hand.

  “You, too,” I said. “Thank you for having me.”

  “Of course, of course. So Aaron says you’re in town for a conference of some kind?”

  “Yes, sir. For English teachers. It starts on Sunday.” Making conversation was proving difficult.

  “Doesn’t seem fair for a teacher to have to work in the summer,” he said.

  “That’s what I told her,” Aaron jumped in. “Which is why we should probably take advantage of all the time we have for fun and get going.”

  “You can’t go yet, Aaron,” came a voice behind me. “You promised.” I turned to see Sara, camera in hand. Aaron had mentioned that she was into photography, but I wasn’t sure what that had to do with him.

  “Does it have to be today, sis? Brooke and I are headed over to Knox’s. I don’t want to be late.”

  “The lighting is perfect, though,” she pleaded. “And if I don’t take the shots today, I might not have time to edit and print them before class on Saturday.” Aaron sighed, then looked at me.

  “Is it okay if I play model for Sara before we leave? It won’t take long--will it, sis?” Of course there was no way I could say no, so we headed out to the (impeccably landscaped) back yard.

  “Okay,” Sara said, taking control. “Sit here like this, and drape your arm on your knee.” Aaron did as he was told, and I tried not to laugh at how uncomfortable he looked. She snapped several pictures, having him change poses every so often. Aaron played along, and was a great sport. You could tell he really cared about her.

  After about fifteen minutes, Sara looked over at me nervously. I smiled my most inviting smile, really wanting her to like mer. “Um,” she said, “would you mind maybe getting in on a few shots? My assignment is to create a spread with models posed as a couple.”

  “Sure,” I answered, my heart quickening at this thought. Some moments of closeness seemed so natural for us, but others had led to the emergence of feelings I was trying hard to get over. “Where do you want me?”

  “Let’s get a few here. Just sit down kind of in front of Aaron.” I sat down with my legs tucked to one side. “Yeah, like that. Okay, Aaron, you look at her, and Brooke, you look this way.” We followed her instructions, and she snapped away.

  Next she had us move to Maggie’s swing set, and had us both sit on the swing. Oh. My. Goodness. From there we moved to the fountain on the patio, then to just in front of a flower bed.

  “Hey, Sara. Why don’t you get a few of just Brooke? You know, since you took all those of me by myself.” I shot him a fake-annoyed look, knowing what he was really up to. He just smiled and discreetly winked at me.

  Having the camera directed on me with Aaron watching made me incredibly self-conscious, but I played along and was a good sport for Sara. She’d been less than cordial to me since we met, and I really wanted to win her over. Even more than his buddies or teammates or parents, I was most concerned about how Aaron’s sisters felt about me. They were quite possibly the only two people who ranked above me on his list, and I didn’t want them hating me.

  “Okay,” Aaron broke in. “My stomach is declaring this photo shoot a wrap. I’m starving.” Sara rolled her eyes at him, but he just pulled her into a hug in response.

  “These look really good,” she said, flipping through the images on her camera. “I’m going to start editing them.” She started to walk off, then turned toward me and said, “Thanks for helping me.” She didn’t quite look at me when she said it, but just the slightest bit of smile peeked through. Victory.

  “So,” I said, “what exactly was Sara taking pictures for?” We were at a stop sign in his neighborhood, and he was fiddling with the radio while he waited for traffic to pass.

  “Some photography class she’s taking at the community college. They don’t offer it at her school, so she’s doing this this summer trying to build a portfolio. She’s afraid she won’t get into the best photojournalism programs if she hasn’t had classroom experience.”

  “Sounds like she has a plan,” I said.

  “Sara? Always. She reminds me a lot of you, actually,” he said, looking over at me.

  “Me? How?”

  “She’s very organized, very driven. And she knows exactly what she wants.” I was about to protest that I didn’t have any clue what I wanted when I remembered the list. I had known exactly what I wanted, all fifty-seven things. Sometimes knowing what you want and getting what you want are very different things, though. I hoped Sara wouldn’t have to find that out.

  “I don’t think she likes me very much,” I said without realizing it. I regretted it instantly, but Aaron was unfazed.

  “Sara is...very protective of me. Of her time with me.” He was quiet for a few seconds, like he was debating whether or not to say more. Finally he said, “She remembers very well how much I was hurt...before.” I nodded. Talking about exes was one thing over the phone, but it seemed weirder in person.

  “But we’re not like that,” I said. “And I would never hurt you.”

  “I know, but she’s sixteen, and everything is drama to her. She’ll come around.”

  I hoped so. I would just have to find a way to connect with her. Maybe later I’d ask to see her pictures, to give us a talking point where she was the expert. That often worked with my students.
Maybe that was part of it, too. Maybe she saw me as a teacher, not as someone who could be a friend.

  I counted twelve other people when we pulled up to Knox’s town home complex a few minutes later. Some appeared to be couples, but most were there alone. Aaron looked over at me and read my feelings on my face. “You okay, Brooke?”

  “Just nervous.”

  “Nervous? Of these guys?” I nodded.

  “You know how I am around people I don’t know. I’m afraid they won’t like me.”

  “You weren’t that way with me,” he noted. “Besides, they will love you, and if they don’t, well, you’re more important to me than they are.” With that he got out of the car, carrying the boxes of Dr. Peppers we’d picked up along the way. I had no choice but to follow him.

  The guys greeted Aaron warmly as he approached the patio of the common space where someone, Knox I assumed, was grilling burgers and chicken. After some man hugs and an offer of beer (which Aaron turned down; he was in training), Aaron turned to me.

  “Guys, this is my friend Brooke.” They all smiled and said hello. It seemed genuine, like I fit in. Two girls wandered up to us, one wearing the lowest cut tank top I’d ever seen, eyeing me carefully. Or glaring at me. It was hard to tell. Aaron had left to put the drinks in a cooler, which apparently gave tank girl the opportunity she was waiting for.

  “Hi,” she said, a little too cheerfully. “I’m Ashton.”

  “Brooke,” I said. Something about her posture, her facial expressions, and the fact that she had a hanger-on made me wary.

  “It’s so good to see all these guys again,” she purred. “Aaron is looking especially fine, don’t you think, Tasha?” Tasha was the aforementioned hanger-on. She nodded vigorously, smiling. I just smiled politely. I was pretty certain she was trying to get under my skin, and my experience with those types told me it was best to ignore them.