Adventures of a Wimpy Werewolf: Hairy But Not Scary

by Tim Collins

  Soon I was in full wolf form, snarling and struggling against my manacles. Once again, I was overwhelmed by my hunger for human throat. I looked at Ryan, but my instinct told me that he was a fellow wolf and wasn’t on the menu. I needed to break my chains, go outside and find a proper snack.

  When I was back in human form Ryan explained that for my first day of training, I’d be switching in and out of wolf mode. It was only by transforming over and over again that I’d get used to the sensation and learn how to control it.

  He said that he’d have to keep annoying and upsetting me to goad me into transformation, and he didn’t enjoy it any more than I did, which was weird because he looked like he was having a whale of a time.

  I braced myself for another Chinese burn but he said he’d have to keep changing his methods of annoying me. Then he leant close to my face and shouted a load of anti-ginger abuse. At first it didn’t bother me. I’d heard names like ‘Carrot Top’ and ‘Ginger Biscuit’ a million times before, and I found it hard to take seriously coming from a fellow ginge. But then Ryan said that I looked like Mick Hucknall from Simply Red and starting singing ‘Holding Back the Years’. This brought back unpleasant memories of a boy in infant school who teased me in this exact way, and I was so upset I transformed right away.

  Ryan brought on my next transformation by tickling me with a feather. He caused the one after by dangling a squeaky rubber bone in my face and pulling it away whenever I tried to bite it. And he brought on the one after that by bringing in his laptop and showing me a reality TV show called The Only Way Is Essex. It was so irritating it made me transform in seconds, although I must admit I found it quite absorbing once I was in wolf form.

  Sunday 6TH May

  I’m due back at Ryan’s house at noon today, so I’ve woken up early for a spot of science revision. I have now looked through last year’s paper and I think I’ll be fine as long as exactly the same questions come up again.

  Today’s training was much more civilized. Ryan taught me techniques that I can use to control my mood and prevent unwanted transformations, such as yoga, meditation, tai chi and deep breathing.

  It was all proving very relaxing until I was getting up to leave and Ryan lobbed a hard rubber ball into my face. I snapped into a rage, and felt my wolf hairs coming through.

  Then Ryan sat down on the floor with his legs crossed and urged me to do the same. I forced myself down, my mind torn between channelling positive energy and ripping his nose off. Eventually, I managed to calm myself down, and the hairs shrank back.

  Monday 7TH May

  Today was the first day of official study leave so I went straight round to Lunar Hall. When I got there, Ryan led me into his garden and fixed a steel manacle around my leg. He said that today I’d be learning how to make myself transform. So it was up to me now. All I had to do was picture something that would make me feel really angry.

  It was a lot harder than I expected. I tried to imagine Tyson and think about all the times he’d called me ‘Gingernut’, but I felt pity rather than anger for him. After all, he was just a silly little human who was about to fail his exams, go out into the real world and find out that he wasn’t as important as he thought he was. I was an alpha wolf with over a century of fun ahead. Why should I care which biscuit he thought I resembled?

  In the end I had to imagine opening my GCSE results and finding out that I’d got an ‘E’ in every subject. This had much more of an effect because I was angry with myself for letting my revision slip. I imagined Pete and Karl showing off their A stars while I hid my feeble results in my pocket and I soon felt myself transforming again.

  I found that focusing on this image allowed me to stay in wolf form, and forcing it from my mind let me turn human again. Ryan explained that this is because my wolf self remembers the anger associated with the image even if it doesn’t fully understand it.

  All morning I went back and forth from human form to wolf form to human form again, until inducing changes became instinctive and natural.

  After this incredibly tough lesson, Ryan said I could move on to a more fun part of training – werewolf karate!

  He dragged a sheep carcass into the garden and I had to transform and slash at it with my right paw. It was very difficult to follow instructions in wolf form. My automatic reaction was to snap at the meat with my teeth, and I couldn’t understand why Ryan kept whacking me on the snout and shouting ‘No!’ whenever I tried. Eventually, I learned to keep my head back and lash out with my claws. When I’d managed this ten times, Ryan let me eat what was left of the sheep as a reward.

  I was so tired afterwards that Ryan offered me a lift home in his Ford Fiesta. I won’t be accepting his offer again, as he played his rap music too loud and drove too fast, which I found very antisocial.

  Even worse, he kept shouting rude comments at other road users, which I thought was rash from someone who wants to avoid drawing attention to his species. At one point he shouted, ‘Keep peddling, granddad,’ at a cyclist. When the cyclist turned round, I saw it was actually Mr Landis! He looked at me and shook his head, taking it as further proof of my delinquency.

  Tuesday 8TH May

  I had another good training session today. After I’d focused on my imaginary exam results and switched into wolf form, Ryan brought out a wheelbarrow loaded with dead sheep. This made my wolf self howl with delight, but Ryan said I’d have to work hard before snacking on them.

  First I had to practise my clawing, then my pouncing, then my flying kicks. Finally, he lined up all the sheep and made me swipe their heads off one by one with my claws. I think he said something about decapitation being important in the upcoming battle, but I didn’t quite catch it. Finally, when I’d performed all these moves to his satisfaction, he let me loose on the shredded remains of the sheep.

  I felt a bit guilty when I got home because Mum had made lasagna and I wasn’t remotely hungry. I could hardly tell her that I’d just eaten four entire sheep so I pretended I’d gone to Subway with my friends after school.

  She somehow managed to take this as evidence that I did have a girlfriend after all, which cheered her up. She said I could hide it from her if I liked because she was no different when she started dating. Unless these first dates were to abattoirs, I suspect things were a little different, but I was happy to let her think otherwise.

  Okay, I’ve got tonight free to revise algebra. I need to forget all about wolf stuff for the next few hours.

  It’s not easy, though. Tomorrow’s a full moon, and the pack is gathering at Ryan’s house. The pack goes to Lunar Hall for the three nights of every full moon for transformation parties.

  I’m going round early to help Ryan prepare, which is very exciting. I’ve never helped to organize a party before. Except for my birthday trip to Pizza Hut. But that doesn’t really count, as I was the only person to turn up. So technically that was a humiliating failure that I never mentioned to anyone ever again rather than a party.

  Wednesday 9TH May

  I’ve just told Mum I’m staying over at Pete’s house tonight for a revision sleepover. She said she knew I was going round to see my girlfriend really, and told me not to do anything silly. I promised I wouldn’t, although running around a hillside on all fours probably counts as silly in some people’s books.

  I know I can’t really come clean about the whole wolf thing, but I still feel guilty about lying to Mum. Maybe I’ve just got too much of a conscience. All the more reason to avoid eating innocent humans, I suppose.

  Thursday 10TH May

  It’s now 7am on Thursday and I’ve just got home from my first-ever transformation party, which was terrific fun. I don’t have much experience of parties, but I’m guessing that would count as a wild one.

  I turned up at Ryan’s house after lunch, and he gave me £300 in cash and sent me round all the local butchers and supermarkets to buy meat. There was loads of reduced meat in Morrisons, but I wasn’t allowed to spend all the money in one plac
e in case it drew attention to us.

  Then I brought my meat back, chopped it up and laid it out in large bowls in the garden. The pack always fills up on meat as soon as they transform, which will make them much less likely to snack on any passing humans.

  The first guests arrived just after eight. A few of them brought animal carcasses of their own, which was polite, and several of them made the same joke that they’d brought along a little something ‘to keep the wolf from the door’.

  I noticed that the other wolves were also wearing clothes that were baggy and stretchy enough to survive transformation, like jogging bottoms, shellsuits and tracksuits, which was a relief. I was nervous enough about meeting all these new people without having to worry about seeing them starkers at the end of the night.

  Ryan introduced me to everyone, and they seemed very excited to meet a new alpha wolf. I met so many people it was hard to remember their names, but I can remember a policeman called Alex, a scaffolder called Steve, a bouncer called Paul and a sixth-form student called Chloe.

  I chatted to a couple from North Newchester called Alan and Janice, who said they always made sure they arrived in Lunar Hall with plenty of time to spare since the evening they got stuck in traffic on the way, transformed in their car and ruined the leather upholstery.

  This led to a discussion about inconvenient transformations, which made me realize I’ve got off fairly lightly so far. Steve said he once got the date of the full moon mixed up and transformed at a rock festival. He was really worried he might eat loads of innocent people, but luckily none of them had showered for days, so their scent put him off.

  He came round naked, covered in mud and screaming at the top of his voice at five in the morning. Luckily, this is quite normal behaviour for a rock festival so it didn’t draw unwanted attention. And although the police received reports that a large wolf had been walking around on its hind legs, they also received reports that the ghost of John Lennon had been spotted riding a unicorn, so they thought nothing of it.

  The worst transformation of all, however, was Paul’s first one, which happened on a transatlantic flight. Unlike Steve, he was unable to resist chomping on human flesh, and soon reduced both passengers and crew to a slurry of limbs and intestines. He got so carried away he even ate the pilot, causing the plane to crash into the sea. He was rescued by a freight ship the following day, the only survivor of a crash that claimed over fifty lives. He said it was a very harrowing introduction to the world of shape-shifting, although he did at least get a decent in-flight meal for once.

  By dusk, all thirty-nine members of the pack had arrived and we went out to the garden. Then we kicked off our shoes and stood in a circle, staring up at the cloudy sky and waiting for the full moon to make its first appearance.

  As soon as the clouds parted, everyone in the pack began to scream at the top of their voices. The combined noise was deafening, and I made a mental note never to hold one of these parties at our house. Even if I didn’t end up in prison for murder, I’d almost certainly get an ASBO for noise pollution.

  One by one, the pack members dropped to all fours as their fur burst out of their skin and their snouts pushed out of their faces.

  The thing that really surprised me was the huge variety of wolves they transformed into. There was a nurse called Carol who turned into a wolf with lustrous blond hair. There was a fisherman called Richard who turned into a huge muscle-bound creature that was more bear than wolf.

  But perhaps the most surprising transformation was Paul. In human form, Paul was over six feet tall and had arms as thick as most people’s legs. But when the moon came out, he actually shrunk in size, and ended up as a kind of werepoodle, with a pelt of curly white hair and a cute little black nose. While everyone else let out bloodcurdling howls, he yapped adorably.

  When everyone had transformed, they turned to look at me expectantly. I’d been so fascinated by it all, I’d forgotten to change. I tried to make myself turn by picturing bad exam results, but it was difficult with everyone watching. It was a bit like trying to use a public toilet when other people are queuing.

  I clenched my fists and tried to focus on the scene. Pete and Karl are gloating; I’m looking at my pitiful grades; even the thick kids in the school have done better than me.

  Still nothing. I was more nervous than angry and I was terrified that everyone would think I was an impostor.

  Noticing that I was struggling, Ryan threw a stone at me, and I used the spark of anger this inspired to transform.

  After I’d changed, the other wolves barked with excitement and a couple of them came over to sniff me, which I thought was a little over-familiar. Especially when you consider where they were sniffing.

  Then it was time for dinner. After a few minutes of gnawing and chomping, the garden soon looked like a slaughterhouse after a triple shift, with blood, spittle and innards coating the grass. I usually get annoyed by messy eaters, but I didn’t mind at all while I was in wolf mode.

  After that, we jumped over the wall at the back of Ryan’s garden and had an enjoyable dash across the moors. It felt so brilliant to run with the pack. It’s not an experience I’ve had much in human form, as the rest of the class usually speed away from me whenever we do track events in PE. Although I did once finish in the top four in the egg and spoon race.

  In wolf form, I had no problem keeping up with them all as they jumped over hedges, splashed through streams and circled frightened rabbits. Ryan even let me go up front and lead the pack a couple of times, which was fun. It must feel so brilliant to be pack leader. Maybe Ryan will let me take over if he retires one day.

  As dawn broke, we changed back into human form and wandered back to Lunar Hall, nattering about where we’d been. If you’d heard us, you’d have thought we were a rambling society rather than a pack of murderous monsters.

  The only person who looked a little strange was Paul, who’d shed his jeans and t-shirt when he transformed into the werepoodle. He was now striding back in just his y-fronts, but he didn’t seem too self-conscious. He’s not the sort of person you’d tease about what they were wearing, even if it was just a pair of Marks & Spencer undies.

  Anyway, I’m back home now and I need to rest before the party starts again tonight. Can’t wait!

  Mum just woke me up to ask if I was feeling all right, as I’d been in bed for the whole day. I said I’d been overdoing my revision and needed to catch up on my sleep, which seemed to convince her. One advantage of spending the first fifteen years of your life as goody two shoes is that it’s easier to lie when you go off the rails.

  Now I’m starting to feel guilty about getting behind with my revision. Part of me thinks I’m throwing my future away, but another part wonders why I should bother with exams at all. Maybe Ryan will let me move in with him after I finish school and help out with the pack. He might even let me be a wolf prefect. There’s no harm in asking.

  No, I need to push on with my revision. That way I’ll have qualifications to fall back on if the whole supernatural beast thing doesn’t pan out.

  Friday 11TH May

  I made more effort to chat to the other wolfpeople as they arrived last night. A lot of them remarked about how fast and strong I was in wolf form, which was nice.

  Sadly, I don’t feel that I have that much in common with the other pack members. Most of them looked at me blankly when I told them about the debating society and the chess club, and when I asked them about their hobbies, they tended to mention football. I’ve never really been a fan, though I haven’t tried watching it in wolf form yet.

  The only pack member I really connected with was the girl called Chloe. She became a werewolf when her ex-boyfriend bit her during a full moon. He then dumped her and left town, leaving her to cope with her condition alone. Luckily for her, Ryan spotted her chasing a car a couple of months later and invited her to join the pack.

  I told her about my problems balancing GCSE revision with wolf life and she said she went
through the same thing last year. Her business studies exam fell on the day after a full moon, and she was still really tired from the night before, so she only got a ‘D’, even though she was predicted an ‘A’.

  This worried me, but at least us alpha wolves have a bit more flexibility. I could force myself to stay human during a full moon if I wanted to, although I’d hate to miss any of these parties.

  Shortly before midnight, we all changed again and enjoyed another night of darting across hillsides and barking at the moon. I know it doesn’t sound like a whole evening’s entertainment, but it feels like the most fascinating thing in the world while you’re doing it.

  At one point, we spotted a couple whose car had broken down on a deserted country lane. Some pack members darted ahead to eat them, and I’m ashamed to say I was one of them. But then Ryan howled angrily to us, and we returned to the pack.

  Looking back, I can see that I let myself get carried away with peer pressure. It’s a shame because I’m normally very good at resisting it, like that time when everyone was throwing Pete’s scientific calculator around the classroom, and I caught it and returned it to him.

  It certainly made me realize how lucky I was not to have been killed when I was bitten. None of the wolves I’ve asked so far have any memory of biting me, but whoever it was, you can bet their intention was to strip my bones like I was a KFC drumstick. I don’t know what made them change their minds after one bite, but I’m incredibly glad they did.

  As a reward for resisting the humans, Ryan let us attack a flock of sheep on the way back, which was very enjoyable. It’s funny to think that just a few months ago, I’d been considering going vegetarian, and now I was ripping a sheep’s neck open with my teeth.