Finding Faith

by Tabatha Vargo

  I swatted at his hand, stepped back swiftly, and covered my blush with my palm. One, because the plain cotton bra and panties I wore could never be called sexy, and two, because I’d specifically picked out my skirt because it was my prettiest. At least I thought it was. It was obvious it was just as boring and prudish as the rest. It stung my feelings just a little that he called it ugly, though.

  “Damn, I didn’t mean it’s, like, ugly. It’s just too long.” He attempted to apologize and failed miserably. He sighed. “Okay, let’s try this again. Look, I’m Finn. That’s my place.” He pointed back at the garage. “And I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be walking around out here by yourself. This isn’t the best neighborhood. How about you come on back inside and I’ll tell everyone to chill with the smoke.”

  Honestly, at that point, all I wanted was to go home, but the idea of going back inside and getting Amanda to take me home did appeal to me. However, there was no way I was going to be the prissy pastor’s daughter crashing their party.

  “No, don’t do that. I don’t want those people in there thinking I’m a brat. I’ll be fine. I’m just going to walk home. “

  He lifted both his arms, then ran his hands across his face roughly. His shirt came up and I got a small peek of the skin just above his jeans. I turned my head quickly and looked away.

  “Look, come back with me. I’ll grab my mom’s keys and take you home real quick. Deal?”

  “No, I don’t think—”

  “Please, Faith, just let me do this.” He cut me off. “I’ll feel like shit if you’re found on the side of the road in the morning.”

  The blue of his eyes seemed to glow in the darkness around us as he silently cut me with his expression. His aggravation was apparent. He had the ability to make me feel like a small child being chastised. As if I didn’t get enough of that at home.

  Dogs barked unmercifully, and in the distance, a car alarm began to ring out. I looked over to my right and three strange men stood on their front porch and stared over at Finn and me. One wore a creepy smile that made his gold tooth visible.

  What had I been thinking? No way did I want to end up missing or murdered on the side of an abandoned road. Finn wasn’t safe, but I didn’t think he’d harm me physically.

  “Fine. Thank you,” I said as I stepped around him and started to walk back to his driveway. “Could you please tell Amanda you’re taking me home?”

  “Will do.” He smiled sarcastically.

  He was hard to feel out. Either he was being friendly or he was annoyed by me. I was pretty good with people, but I didn’t like how off center he made me feel. Especially since the more I looked at him and the more he spoke to me, the nicer looking he got. He was more of a gentleman than he let on. The ladies at church would probably disagree, but only a nice guy would care about whether or not I made it out of this side of town alive.

  I stood alone in his driveway for a minute while he ran inside to get his keys and let Amanda know what was happening. I hated leaving her there like that, but that was her scene, not mine. Actually, I didn’t really have a scene, unless you included church. Church was definitely my scene. Not that it was my choice.

  Inside the garage, I could hear his friends complaining that he was leaving. I couldn’t hear his response, but I felt awful for taking him away from his little gathering. I could still smell the pungent odor of that stuff they were smoking. I assumed it was marijuana, which only made me want to go home even more.

  “All ready to go?” Finn asked as he came out of the garage swinging his keys around his finger.

  I followed him over to an older white Jeep Cherokee. He opened the door for me, which was also unexpected, and I got in. He ran around to the other side and got in before cranking up the engine. The atmosphere around us lightened the farther away from his neighborhood we got.

  At first we were quiet, not really knowing what to say to each other. It wasn’t like we had anything in common. We were from totally different worlds.

  “Thanks for the ride,” I finally said to break the ice.

  He looked over at me and grinned. His light irises glistened from under dark lashes. I was really beginning to like his eyes and I was seriously starting to enjoy his knowing grins a little more than I should have.

  “No worries. We don’t want a pretty thing like you getting kidnapped.” He looked back at the road as if he didn’t just give me the biggest compliment.

  I couldn’t remember anyone ever calling me pretty before. It made me feel funny. I can’t say that I hated it. Actually, I kind of loved it. I could remember my mom telling me I looked nice once, and memories of my dad calling me his princess when I was a toddler still lingered, but now that I was older and feeling pretty really mattered, no one ever said it.

  He turned to face me again and I felt my cheeks catch fire. I looked out the window so he couldn’t see. A soft, manly chuckle sounded from his side of the car, letting me know he didn’t miss my embarrassing blushing. The rest of the ride was uncomfortable. Every now and again I’d give him directions, but other than that we stayed quiet.

  “Please be extra quiet,” I said as we pulled up to my house.

  He chuckled again and I gave him the evil eye as he snuck the car up to my house and put it in park. He turned in his seat and silently watched me as I twiddled my fingers in my lap. When his eyes were on me, I felt breathless. It was if he had some sort of freaky spell over me.

  I needed to get away from him and get some sleep. The night had taught me one valuable lesson: I had no business sneaking out of my house or hanging around people who were nothing like me.

  I unbuckled my seatbelt and popped my door open. I was about to thank him for the ride when the porch light turned on. It was only then that I noticed the living room lights.

  Time stopped when my father stepped out on the front porch in his pajamas and then, with quick, angry strides, made his way over to Finn and me.

  “Oh shit,” Finn said.

  I didn’t bother correcting his language since I’d secretly been thinking the same exact thing. One night out and I was already having impure thoughts.

  My dad took one look at me and Finn and his face transformed into something angry and red. His eyes looked at risk of popping out and the vein in the side of his neck ticked. The way he looked at me made me feel dirty, as if I’d been out all night doing the many things that Amanda had disgustingly told me about.

  “Faith, I want you to go inside so I can have a talk with our friend Finn.” He spoke calmly, but I knew what calm meant. Calm meant there was a storm coming.

  It wasn’t right for Finn to get in trouble simply for being a gentleman and making sure I got home safely.

  “Daddy, Finn was just—”

  He held up his hand to stop me. “That’s enough, Faith. Please go inside with your mother. I’ll be in there to deal with you in just a moment.”

  Deal with me. I didn’t even want to think about how he was going to deal with me. I clutched my cross in preparation for the night’s lesson. It was going to be a bad one.

  “Pastor Warren, this is my fault,” Finn said boldly. “I wanted to surprise Sister Francis with some special flowers in her flower bed and I talked Faith into helping me. You know how much she loves Sister Francis. There was no way I could’ve gotten it done before church Wednesday if she didn’t help me.”

  As soon as the lie left his mouth, I turned and looked at him like he was crazy. First of all, there were no flowers planted yet, and my dad would know that the minute he stopped by the church for paperwork the following day. Secondly, I was amazed at how quickly and easily he was able to lie. I’d never seen anything like it and I was secretly jealous of his fabulous talent. I could’ve saved myself from the belt a few times if I were capable of such a thing.

  “Is that true, Faith?” my father asked.

  I didn’t want to lie to him, but I really didn’t want to get in trouble and I really didn’t want Finn to get in t
rouble either. Regardless of what we were doing, I was still out past a decent time when I wasn’t supposed to be. I was still going to hear it, but somehow saying I was planting flowers for Sister Francis sounded so much better than I was at a party with a bunch of stoners and band boys.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but the lie wouldn’t come out. Instead, I shook my head yes and silently prayed for forgiveness.

  I felt sick doing it. I hadn’t lied to my father since I was a little girl. My throat felt tight and cold chills wracked my body, causing me to wrap my arms around myself.

  “You should’ve asked first and you’re still going to be on restriction for sneaking out past your bedtime,” my dad said adamantly. “As for you, Finn, I don’t want Faith falling into your sinner ways. I’d appreciate it if you stayed away from my daughter outside of church.”

  My dad grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the front door. His fingernails dug in, pinching the soft skin. I looked over my shoulder at Finn and caught him glaring at my dad’s back. Before I stepped inside the front door, I looked back again as he pulled away.

  I got the worst beating ever that night. For the first time, Daddy lost control and his belt hit other places on my body instead of just my legs. When I went to bed, my back ached and my arms and legs stung. I barely made it into bed before the tears came. I never cried during the beating—I’d never give him that satisfaction—but I’d almost given in to the pain.

  On top of the belt beating, I got a month’s worth of restriction, which didn’t matter much to me since I practically lived on restriction as it was. I finally fell asleep two hours later with stale tears on my cheeks and anxiety for what would happen the following day churning in my stomach. It was only going to get worse once my dad got to the church and saw there were no flowers in the flower bed.

  Four

  Finn

  I fucking hated flowers. I spent the rest of my night working on that damn flower garden, and I’d spent my last ten bucks on those damn over-scented weeds. I’d never been more thankful that Wal-Mart stayed open twenty-four hours or that I could flirt my way into the lawn and garden department after hours.

  By the time I got back to my house, I was covered in dirt and exhausted. Everyone was gone and so was all the beer, which pissed me off pretty good. Instead of sitting around bitching about it, I went straight to my bathroom, got a shower, and crashed.

  The next day, I slept way into noon. I’d decided to skip senior year and go straight to work for Uncle Lester, my dealer. He didn’t even have any nieces or nephews, but everyone called him uncle. The best thing about Uncle Lester was he dressed like a pimp from the seventies and had a porn star mustache. He worked it, though, and he was the man when it came to the ladies. He was a strange man, but he always made sure I had a full supply of wacky dust. It wasn’t honest pay, but it was pay.

  With a busted head gasket and a blown tire, I needed whatever work I could get to get my car back on the road. In my mind, the band was my meal ticket, but if the worst happened and my band did nothing, I’d end up taking care of my mom and working some shitty job somewhere. I was born and bred for struggle.

  I fixed myself a bowl of cereal in one of mom’s mixing bowls and sat on the couch, deep in thought. Faith. I couldn’t seem to get her off my mind. I wasn’t sure why I’d lied for her. Maybe it was because I’d seen her welts, and the thought of her getting more made me sick to my stomach. Or maybe it was because her dad seemed to piss me off all the time. It wasn’t that he was doing anything, but it was his “I’m the pastor so I’m better than you” mentality. He wasn’t better than me. Actually, I’d give the ounce of cush and the eight ball in my top drawer to say he was probably more crooked than I could ever dream of being.

  I fixed my mom some lunch and made sure she had her pills. She was having an especially painful day, which meant she wouldn’t want to be bothered. Instead of sitting around and babying her to death, I smoked a bowl in the garage and headed out to get lost around the town.

  It was days like that when I wished I had an actual job. I’d talked about it with my mom before, but she swore she needed me home more than she needed help financially. I understood and even though the thought of having money that I’d made legally sounded great, I couldn’t take the chance of not being there for her if she needed me.

  Later that afternoon, the boys came over and we practiced for the rest of the night. We’d been invited to play at a new underground club called The Pit and we wanted to make sure we sounded kickass. It wouldn’t pay to play a shitty show, and we always had the hope that someone important would see us and take us out of our fucked-up situations.

  I sang my heart out as Kevin, the lead guitarist, crushed my garage with his rips. I’d known him since the first day of middle school. He was the first friend I’d had for more than a few months. That was one of the worst things about being in the system and getting moved around so much. I never made any lasting friendships. I’d spent my life being passed by strangers and it was nice to have some loyalty in my life.

  Reynolds, who could play the hell out of a pair of drums, was hitting the beats hard. He hated to practice, but he always showed up on time and played his heart out even if he was all geeked out half the time. We all had our vices, but I think he was developing a serious problem. His sudden appearance of nosebleeds made it hard to look away from his cocaine addiction. I was no saint. I sold the stuff and on occasion I’d down a line, but nothing as extreme as Reynolds.

  Then there was the newbie, Tony. I’d given him the name Tiny, mainly because for a kid his age, he was fucking huge. The kid could play some bass, though, and he kept to himself. I could appreciate that. He seemed genuine and had yet to fuck me over in any way. In my world, that was enough for me.

  I was confident that Ordinary Malice was going to go far. We’d already started attracting attention from the locals and playing bars even though none of us were twenty-one. Singing and writing music was my passion. I loved it and I’d give anything to be able to walk away from all the bullshit and make an honest living doing it.

  The next day, I got a phone call from Faith. My house phone never rang so it was a shock when it did. The only reason we still had one was just in case of an emergency. Mom and I shared her cell, although I had it more than she did.

  “I saw the flowers,” Faith said.

  She was whispering into the phone. The poor girl had probably never let go in her entire life. It was no way to live. It made me wonder how wild she’d be in the sack. As quickly as the thought came, I pushed it to the back of my mind. She wasn’t like the rest of the girls and had already somehow managed to earn a certain amount of respect from me.

  “And?” It sounded rude, but I was curious where the conversation was going.

  “And I wanted to say thank you. My dad can be a bit strict, and while I did get in trouble for being out, it would’ve been even worse if he’d caught me in a lie.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I would’ve had to do it come Wednesday anyway. At least this way maybe I won’t be out in the heat all day.”

  It really had sucked that I’d missed hanging out with my friends that night. Not to mention, my ex, Jenny, had been there and there was a good chance I was going to get laid, but it was worth it in the end, I guess. Faith already had it bad from what I could see. The least I could do was help the girl out.

  “Do you always sneak out like that?” I couldn’t help but ask.

  I thought I was seeing things when she’d stepped into my garage that night. She obviously didn’t belong there, and I wasn’t all that thrilled to have her there. A girl like her could be a liability. The last thing I needed was my boys getting accused of some crazy shit because an inexperienced girl got herself all caught up in our craziness.

  She was a nice girl and I felt bad for her. The contrast between her and the rest of the girls in the room was pretty hilarious, though. They were all covered in makeup with painted-on clothes that left nothing to the imagi
nation, and Faith was clean and covered.

  I hadn’t meant to call her skirt ugly, but it was a crime for such a pretty girl to be so uptight. Not that she should walk around with her ass hanging out, but damn, she must burn up in all those clothes.

  “That was my first time. I won’t be doing that again,” she said adamantly.

  It was kind of cute. She was so childlike since her father had obviously sheltered her for her entire life. When I thought of all the things she was missing out on, it was kind of depressing. She was a teenager. It was her job to experience all the crazy shit possible. It’s how you become a good adult. You live and you learn. She was going to be thirty and still clueless to what life had to offer.

  “That’s a shame,” I said with a grin as I rested the phone between my shoulder and my face.

  Flirting was in my nature and I never suppressed what came naturally to me.

  “Why’s that?” she asked.

  “Well, I was going to see if you wanted to hang out one night.”

  It was a last-minute decision, a kill-two-birds-with-one-stone kind of thing. I could get her out with me and show her a good time while pissing off her dad so much that he’d want me nowhere near his daughter. Win-win.

  “Why?” she asked, confused.

  She had no idea how pretty she was. I’d seen that when I called her pretty in the car on the way to her house. Confidence was sexy, but so was a beautiful girl who had no idea how beautiful she was.

  “Because you seem like a nice girl, and I already told you I thought you were pretty.”

  I didn’t mention the fact that I was also trying to get under her dad’s skin. I somehow didn’t think that would fly over well with her.

  “But we’re so different,” she said.

  She couldn’t have been more right.

  “Opposites attract. Don’t you find me attractive?” I asked.