Finding Faith

by Tabatha Vargo

  “Thanks, Mom.” I leaned up and kissed her on the cheek. “I love you and I’ll always be grateful to you for taking me in.” Emotion closed my throat.

  “I’ll always be grateful for you. I’m not sure I could’ve made it through without you.”

  She patted my hand and then got up and left the room. I could tell by her small limp that she was in pain. I felt awful for her having to get out of bed and deal with my drunken ass. It was a dumb thing for me to do and she deserved better out of me.

  Later that afternoon, while I was out getting some stuff for my mom, I passed the church. Faith was sitting on the front steps alone, so I pulled in and parked in a dry patch of grass. I sat in the Jeep, watching as she wrote in a notebook. She had no idea she was being watched. She was so hypnotic—the slide of her soft hair against her shoulder as she pushed it from her face. The movement of her hand as she wrote slowly. She was beautiful.

  She looked up when I shut my door and started toward her. Her smile was welcoming and bright. I couldn’t help but smile back.

  “Hey. What are you doing?” I asked as I sat beside her. “Writing naughty things about me in your diary?”

  She looked me in the eye, her brown orbs sucking me in and capturing me.

  “What if I am?” she asked.

  I was more than shocked. Even though she blushed sweetly, I couldn’t believe she’d said something so blunt and flirty. I liked it. I liked it a lot.

  “Are you?” If she was, I wanted to read it.

  She grinned at me as she closed the book. “Maybe.”

  I could play like that with her all day. Not only was it adorable as hell, it was turning me on. I’d never been turned on by something so innocent.

  “Can I read it?”

  A guy could hope.

  “I’m not going to let you read my journal.”

  “Why not? My name’s in it.”

  She laughed. “And that’s exactly why you’re not reading it. What are you doing here today anyway? It’s Saturday.” She quickly changed the subject.

  “I was just driving by and saw you sitting out here all by your lonesome. I thought I’d stop by and say hi. Maybe find out how your date went last night,” I said, even though I didn’t want to know.

  As a matter of fact, it was the last thing I wanted to know about. If she told me he kissed her, there was no telling what I’d do.

  “It was fun. We went and had dinner at the restaurant next to the tracks downtown, and then he took me home.”

  It was official. Stephen was a dumbass.

  “Did you get to try out your new kissing skills?” The hair on my arms stood on end as I waited for her to answer.

  Her cheeks went pink, begging me to touch her face. I curled my fingers up in my palm and kept my hands to myself.

  “No. Just another kiss on the cheek,” she said with a frown. “I’m starting to think he doesn’t like me very much.”

  “That’s impossible. He likes you, trust me.”

  Why was I helping him? I needed to shut my big mouth.

  “How do you know?” she asked.

  “Because I just know.”

  She turned toward me and her eyes took me in. She bit at her bottom lip nervously and tucked a strand of her hair behind ear. I wanted to kiss her again. Stupid Stephen had the chance and he wasn’t taking it. Damn him.

  “Finn, what was yesterday about?”

  “What do you mean?”

  I knew what she meant. I had no business grabbing her hand that way, but I hadn’t wanted her to go with him. I wanted her to stay and go out with me.

  “Never mind.” She turned away and picked at a weed growing between the brick of the steps.

  I watched her for a bit before deciding to answer her question.

  “I didn’t want you to go. That’s why I grabbed your hand.”

  Her eyes moved over my face as she tried to figure me out. She opened her mouth to say something, but Stephen chose that time to come out of the church.

  “Hi, James,” he said with a grin.

  If he wasn’t such a preacher’s boy, I’d think it was a knowing grin.

  “Hey. What’re you doing here?”

  “I was just stopping by to pick up Faith, but I had to speak to her father real quick. Is everything okay?” he asked as he saw the tension between the two of us.

  I was probably tenser because he called me James. Not to mention that he was practically rubbing it in that he was taking her out and best friends with the big preacher man. As far as I was concerned, he could suck my dick. I was getting about sick of him and his little brownnosing ass.

  Faith looked away like she felt guilty. There was no need to feel guilty. We weren’t together so she wasn’t doing anything wrong. It still sucked, though.

  I stood and wiped dirt from the back of my jeans. “Well, you kids have fun at dinner.”

  “Oh, we’re not going to dinner tonight—just the movies.”

  He reached down for Faith’s hand and pulled her into the standing position. She smiled at him and tucked her hair behind her ear.

  “That sounds exciting,” I said sarcastically. “Have fun.”

  I walked away. I was getting mad and the last thing I wanted to do was punch the kid in his nose in the churchyard.

  Once I was in the Jeep, I looked over and watched as they walked to what looked like his parents’ car. He opened her door for her and she slipped inside. I revved my engine and pulled out of my parking space. When I made it to the main road, I peeled tires pulling out into traffic.

  I was being childish. I knew that. I should’ve been used to being the unwanted one. I’d been the unwanted one for most of my life and it wasn’t fair. I didn’t ask to be born to someone who didn’t want kids, just like I didn’t ask to fall for the preacher’s daughter. Things happened that way and there’s nothing you can do to control it. All you can do is ride the ride and pray you don’t crash.

  I never did take my mom her stuff from the store. I’m sure she was pissed about that. I wouldn’t have known, though, since I’d left the cell with her and she had no way to reach me. I was hitting a low place—a place I hadn’t been to since I was taken into my mom’s home. It was like reliving the foster homes and the families who never wanted me over and over again. Having Faith walk away from me was nothing like being tossed on your ass and back into the system. If anything, it was worse. I wasn’t used to feeling that way about a girl. Everything about my situation with Faith was different.

  I should’ve gone home and talked to my mom. I should’ve done the right thing, but instead, I found myself at a friend’s house, drinking away my sorrows … again. Once I drank away all in inhibitions, I did something crazy. I drove to the movie theater and waited for Faith to come out.

  Nine

  Faith

  My dad seemed to be pushing Stephen and me together even more. I think it was because he caught Finn and me together so much lately. That and the secret touches Finn made sure to get in whenever we were together. Either way, I assumed my dad thought Stephen and me being together would make me forget about Finn.

  It was exhausting and it was starting to get on my nerves. Especially since I couldn’t stop thinking about Finn. It made me somehow feel dirty being on a date with one guy while thinking of another. I didn’t even enjoy the fact that I was being allowed out. I’d gotten to the point where I’d rather sit home and do nothing than go out with Stephen, but I didn’t want to be rude. I wasn’t one to hurt someone’s feelings on purpose.

  One thing I knew for sure was something was happening between Finn and me. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it lingered in the air between us when we were together. I didn’t want to think too much into it and get hurt. It was more than obvious to me that I was falling for Finn. I might have already fallen, except I had no idea what it felt like to be in love with someone. I just knew that everything about him made me smile and every time I was with him, life felt tolerable—better even.

 
; I rode in the passenger’s side of Stephen’s mom’s car, thinking about whether or not I was in love with Finn. Was it even possible to love someone in a month? What would I do once he didn’t come to the church to work anymore? Would I just forget about him? Could I? I knew I didn’t want to. I wanted him. Even if I didn’t understand what it meant to want someone, I wanted him.

  I contemplated pulling out my hair when Stephen bought us movie tickets to yet another G-rated movie. In the back of my mind, I begged for something dirty and R-rated. I thought about asking Stephen to take me to a bad movie just so I could at least get a laugh from of his appalled facial expression. Geez, he was such a stick in the mud. More than ever, I longed for Finn’s flirty ways and bad-boy looks.

  An hour into the movie, I got up to go to the bathroom. I didn’t really need to go, but a girl can only look at so many cartoon characters before her eyes start to blur. I stepped into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Something was different. I was different.

  I washed my hands, dried them, and then ran my fingers through my hair to get it to lie down. When I’d killed enough time, I opened the door to leave the bathroom. I gasped when I found Finn standing there in the doorway, looking back at me. He pushed through and pulled me into the large stall in the back of the room.

  Part of me was nervous, and the other part was so happy that something exciting was happening. Leave it to Finn to make things feel more alive. My hand felt small in his. The warmth from his fingers dissolved into mine and worked its way up my arm.

  Once we were in the stall, he locked the door behind us and pushed me up against it. It didn’t hurt and I was disgusted by the fact that I liked it. I enjoyed him taking over me—I enjoyed being manhandled. It was refreshing after dealing with Stephen and his shy, passive ways.

  He placed a hand against the door on each side of my head, trapping me between them. Stormy blue eyes took me in—anger in his brows. Reaching up, I gripped his arm and took a deep breath. His eyes left mine and dipped down to my mouth. The anger on his face melted away and his face softened.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you,” he slurred.

  “What are you doing here?” I whispered.

  Removing his hand from the door, he caressed my cheek with his thumb. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of him.

  “I needed to see you.”

  He wasn’t talking right—his eyes not focusing well. There was a strange smell to him that stung my nose and made my eyes water. I could only assume it was alcohol.

  “Have you been drinking?” I asked as I pressed against his chest to make him back up.

  “That’s right. Push me away. Do you know I’ve been pushed away my entire life? There was always someone giving me away like I was nothing.”

  He was talking out of his head and I was getting a little nervous.

  “What are you talking about, Finn?” I reached down for the lock on the door just in case he wasn’t the guy I thought he was and he pulled something crazy.

  “My mom calls me Jimmy Finn. She’s the only person who calls me that. I think that’s funny since she’s the only person who’s ever wanted me. Foster home after foster home and the one woman who gives me a new name keeps me.”

  He was finally starting to make sense.

  “You’re adopted?” I asked.

  He nodded his head with sad eyes. I’d once heard that kids were treated badly in foster homes. Amanda told me a story about a kid who’d been accidently killed by the parents and they never reported it so they could keep collecting money from the state.

  I reached up and pushed his hair from his forehead. He closed his eyes and pressed his face into my palm. It was such a sweet thing for him to do. I ran my thumb across his cheek over and over again, enjoying the feel of his soft facial hair.

  “I didn’t know that about you,” I said.

  He opened his eyes and looked down at me. His blue irises glowed under the florescent lights of the red-and-black tiled bathroom.

  “There’s a lot that you don’t know about me.”

  I opened my mouth to say something, but the bathroom door cracked open, stopping me.

  “Faith?” Stephen called into the room.

  No way would someone like him come into the ladies restroom. Instead, I could hear him standing outside the door. The noise from the theater lobby spilled into the bathroom and echoed off of the walls.

  I moved to open the door, but Finn stopped me and held his finger against his lips, telling me to be quiet.

  Stephen called my name into the bathroom once more before the door shut and the room became quiet again.

  “Finn, I can’t stay in here. I have to go back.”

  “Stay.” He swallowed hard and his eyes glistened.

  I’d never seen him this way. He looked vulnerable and it broke my heart. From what I knew of him over the past few weeks we spent together in church, he wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone, but something was scaring him, and I suddenly had the urge to comfort him—to make him smile and bring life into his eyes.

  “What’s wrong, Finn? You can tell me whatever it is.” I ran my fingers through his tousled hair.

  Closing his eyes, he let out a quiet gasp, as if my fingers were the best thing he’d ever know. When he opened his baby blues again, they collided with mine and then something unexpected happened. A single tear wobbled on his lashes before escaping and rushing down his cheek.

  I cupped his cheek and caught his tear with my thumb. “Sweetie, please tell me what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

  Again, he closed his eyes as if he were feeling pleasure before opening them again and showing his pain.

  “Say it again,” he said roughly, as if tears were clogging his throat.

  “Say what?”

  “Call me sweetie.”

  The expression on his face pulled at my heart. I wanted more than anything to make it go away.

  “You’re scaring me, Finn. Whatever it is that’s bothering you, just tell me. Let me try to make it better.”

  He surprised me as he leaned over and rested his head against my shoulder. His breath was hot against my neck and I couldn’t stop the chills that rushed through my body. I was hot and cold all over and the strange pulling sensation in my stomach left me feeling dizzy.

  Sliding his arms around my waist, he molded himself to me. I had to admit, it felt amazing to be held that way. I pressed the back of my head into the door and cupped the back of his head in comfort.

  “I’m sorry I’m scaring you. I’d never do anything to hurt you. I swear I’d never do anything to hurt you, ever. I’ll be okay if you promise to stay. Don’t go with Stephen. Please stay.”

  I melted all over. Finn, the most careless person I knew, was holding me in a manner I wasn’t familiar with and begging me to stay with him as if he cared. I wanted to. I wanted to stay there with him, locked in the theater bathroom. Just the two of us in peace and quiet while the world outside moved on without us, but then I remembered that Stephen was out searching for me. He’d probably already called my dad, freaking out.

  “Finn, I can’t. He’s outside waiting on me. I can’t do that to him.”

  He looked up at me. His eyes still weren’t focusing and briefly I thought maybe the only reason he was acting like this was because he was drinking.

  “Him? Don’t do this to me. Please, Faith, stay.” He pulled away and leaned against the wall. I hadn’t noticed before how badly he was slurring and leaning.

  I’d never seen a drunk person before, other than on TV, but I was positive he was drunk.

  “How did you get here?” I asked.

  He peeked up through his hair, then laid his flushed face against the tile wall. “I drove.”

  “You drove drunk?”

  I couldn’t believe he’d just said that. Who would do such an idiotic thing?

  He chuckled to himself and then finally smiled. His cheeks lifted and his beautiful dimples showed themselves. Even unsteady on
his feet, with unfocused, glazed-over eyes, he was still gorgeous.

  “Baby, I’ve done a lot worse.” His grin became sinister.

  “How are you supposed to get home?”

  No way was I letting him drive home. He’d once made sure I made it home safely, and even if I had to call his mother, I’d make sure he made it home okay, as well.

  “I’m driving. Why are we talking about this? Let’s talk about something more fun. Like, can I kiss you again?”

  I wanted him to. Lord knows I did, but I couldn’t do that. Not when he was drunk and probably had no idea what he was saying. He’d wake up tomorrow and regret it. That’s if he even remembered it. I never wanted to be something someone regretted.

  “I’m calling your mother. I’m not letting you drive home like this.” I turned to open the door and leave.

  He caught my hand and slowly intertwined our fingers. He pulled me into his chest and used his other hand to push my hair from my face.

  “I have her car. Will you drive me home, Faith? I need you.”

  Those three words did me in. I didn’t want to say no to him. He needed me and I’d be there for him the way he had been for me. Even if he didn’t know he was helping me, he was. He brought color to my life and I’d always be grateful for that.

  “Give me your keys.” I reached out my hand and waited as he dug through his jeans pocket.

  I’d only ever driven a car once. My dad let me drive home from the grocery store and I’d hated it. I wasn’t very good at it and every time a car came up behind me, I freaked out, but I had to do what I had to do.

  We snuck out of the movie theater, careful not to run into Stephen or ever worse, my dad. I’m sure he’d been called by now. I was already thinking of things to say to my father when he freaked out on me. Not to mention poor Stephen. I felt awful for doing this to him, but he’d never understand. He was like a younger version of my father. They had no idea what it meant to be alive.

  Finn leaned against me through the parking lot to his mother’s Jeep. I opened the passenger’s side and helped him get in. Once I was inside, I felt like I was too high off of the ground. It was much different than being in my dad’s Taurus. I rolled down my window and slowly pulled out of the parking space.