Finding Faith

by Tabatha Vargo

  Eleven

  Faith

  That night I went to bed with a bruised cheek and more welts on my legs than I’d ever had. One of them actually bled to the point that I had to cover it with a bandage. It wasn’t pretty, and for the first time in a long time, I cried because of the pain.

  I was slowly coming to realize that my dad had something wrong with him. No person should feel enjoyment over beating another person, and what I saw in his face as he took his belt to me after the police left was joy. It had been a bad one. So bad in fact that my mother, who usually stayed out of it, stepped in and told him to stop.

  Honor thy mother and father, and I did, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to hate them. I’d never used the word hate before. I had no idea I was capable of the emotion, but I was. I hated my father for what he’d done to me. I hated my mother for sitting by and watching it for so many years.

  I rolled onto my side and stared out at the moonlight that drifted in past my white lace curtains. My mind hadn’t stopped going since I’d stepped foot in my yard earlier that morning, but finally, I could feel myself getting tired. I’d never begged for sleep so much in my life. I wanted it all to go away for a few blissful hours until it was time to get up and run to school.

  My eyes were heavy and slowly closing. Sleep was just beyond my reach and I was grabbing at it in full force. I was almost there when a shadow crept across my room. With wide eyes, I sat up and screamed, but a hand over my mouth stopped any noise from getting out.

  My body tensed up and I went into full freak-out mode. I bucked in my bed in an attempt to get away, scratching at the hand with my nails and thrashing so hard that my mattress springs popped loudly. If I was being murdered or kidnapped, I wasn’t going down without a good fight.

  “Faith, it’s me,” Finn whispered.

  I gave up my fight and took a minute to let my panic subside. My eyes adjusted to the darkness around me, once again allowing me to see his silhouette in the moonlight. I was so happy to see him, but at the same time, all I could think about was my dad coming in and catching him. He’d let Finn off once. I seriously doubted he’d let him off twice. The last thing I wanted was for Finn to get arrested. I wasn’t sure what breaking and entering would get you, but I knew it was more than community service.

  Once he removed his hand from my mouth, I sat up and threw my arms around his neck.

  “What are you doing here?” I whispered into his shoulder.

  Leaning back, he captured my face in his hands. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m sorry about what happened today.”

  I wanted to see his face. I needed to see his smile and know that he was really there with me. Reaching over, I turned on my small bedside lamp so I could see more of him. Once the light was on his face, the smile he wore dropped. He softly fingered the bruised side of my face with heartbreak in his eyes.

  I pressed my sore cheek into his palm. “I’m okay.” I smiled.

  “I should’ve moved faster. I shouldn’t have let him touch you,” he rasped.

  “Stop.” I pressed my finger to his lips. “That wasn’t your fault. I’m just sorry you had to see that.” I used a finger to move a strand of hair from his eyes. “No more depressing talk. How did you get in here?” I asked.

  His frown was replaced with his signature cocky grin. “I told you sneaking in and out of windows was super easy for me.”

  I got up and made sure my bedroom door was locked, and then I opened my window wider so Finn could have a quick escape in case my dad came to my door. Once I was done with that, I turned back toward my bed and caught him staring at me.

  “What?” I asked.

  He stood and came to me. I loved it when he played with my hair so I was happy when he buried his fingers in the strands around my face. His smile darkened as his eyes dipped down and over my body.

  “I’ve only ever seen you in long skirts. Your legs are so long and beautiful—sexy.”

  My face lit up with heat as I looked down at myself. I’d forgotten what I was wearing. My white cami and plaid boxers left little to the imagination. I felt even more embarrassed knowing that I had no bra or panties on underneath. I’d never been so naked around another person in my life.

  “I should change,” I said as I started to step away.

  He caught me around the waist and I felt the heat of his fingers through the thin cotton covering my stomach.

  “Don’t. I like seeing you like this. Not because you’re showing more skin, but because you look comfortable. You’re so beautiful and you’re clueless to it.”

  I didn’t fight him when he slowly walked me back to my bed and pulled me onto his lap.

  “What have we gotten ourselves into, huh?” He smiled and shook his head.

  I ran my finger across his dimples and leaned in to kiss him. It was nice being able to do that. I never thought I’d be the kind of girl who would just out of nowhere kiss a guy, but I was comfortable with Finn.

  He kissed me back like he was breathing me in, and when he ran his palm across my stomach, I didn’t stop him. He’d told me before that he wouldn’t rush me—that he’d wait for me, and I trusted that.

  I tilted my head to the side and breathed deep to keep myself from making embarrassing noises when his lips moved from my mouth and to my neck. I’d never felt something so wonderful. He was teaching me new ways to live, and I was sucking up his lessons like they were my survival.

  I could remember the many lectures I’d gotten over the years about being easily led by lust and sexual desires. I’d readily accepted that what my dad said was correct without knowing or understanding anything that had to do with the words lust and sex. But Finn was showing me how right my dad had been. Lust and desire could make you do some crazy things. So when Finn very slowly laid me back onto my bed, I didn’t stop him.

  I didn’t care about anything else but his lips and hands—the feel of his breath on my skin and the deep noises he made, which made the hairs on my arms stand on end. I heard myself actually whine when he pulled away and smiled down at me.

  “Time to slow down, pretty girl,” he whispered.

  I could feel his restraint in my own bones. Stopping or slowing down wasn’t something that was easy for him, and it made me feel good that he respected me enough to make himself uncomfortable. He brought me up with him and planted a tiny kiss on the corner of my mouth.

  As much as I feared getting caught with him in my room, I didn’t want him to leave. Spending the night with him the night before had been so nice. Falling asleep in his arms had been one of the best feelings, and I wanted to feel that way again.

  He stood and adjusted his shirt. I got a glimpse of his belly button and the hair that disappeared into his jeans. My eyes moved lower on their own, allowing me to see his long legs. He really was such a nice-looking guy. When I looked back up, he was smiling.

  “Stop looking down there like that. You’re not making this easy for me.” He bent down and gave me a small kiss on the lips. “I better go. Have fun at school tomorrow.”

  Before he could turn away, I reached out and grabbed his hand. I didn’t want him to go. I felt amazing when he was around. I could forget about how sad my life was when he was there making everything better.

  “Stay.”

  The minute the word left my mouth, I kind of regretted it. I didn’t want him thinking I was making any promises that something would happen. I just wanted to fall asleep in his arms the way I had the night before.

  He didn’t say anything. Instead, he kicked off his shoes, pulled back the cover on my bed, and climbed under it, pulling it back up around us.

  We spent the next few hours quietly talking. He told me about his life, the band, and how he’d come to live with his mom. I held him close as he told me about what growing up in different foster homes had been like. He was such an emotional guy, which probably had a lot to do with why he was so guarded around everyone.

  Once I was done telling him the sad
little tale of my boring life, I lay there while he played with my hair and sang some songs. I’d never heard the songs before so I assumed they were the band’s music. His soft melodic voice relaxed me to the point that I could no longer tell if I was asleep or awake. At some point, I felt his lips against my forehead and I heard him whisper goodnight.

  When I woke up the next morning, I was alone in my bed. I rolled onto my side and pressed my face into the pillow where he’d been. I could still smell the light scent of his cologne. When I sat up in bed, a pink rose from my mom’s rose bush lay on my bedside table on top of a scribbled note.

  If it looks like an angel, talks like an angel, and sleeps like an angel, then it must be an angel.

  See you soon, beautiful.

  Love,

  Finn

  If my parents noticed I was acting different, they didn’t say anything about it. I probably wouldn’t have heard them anyway since my head was so far in the clouds. On the ride to school, I had to push my smile down so my mother didn’t see it.

  I spent the rest of the day floating and riding my Finn high. Amanda stared at me from across the picnic table at lunch like my head was on fire.

  “Tell me again how you slipped in the shower and bruised your face.” She said suspiciously.

  Rolling my eyes, I laughed as if it was nothing. “Just me being clumsy as usual.”

  I took a bite from my apple and smiled secretly to myself with thoughts of Finn.

  “Okay, what’s up with you? You’ve been acting crazy all day.”

  When I didn’t answer right away, she threw a grape at me. I picked it up and playfully threw it back at her.

  “It’s nothing. I’m just having a good day.”

  “Uh-huh. When did you start lying?”

  I didn’t bother telling her anything about Finn. I still wasn’t exactly sure what it was we were doing. I didn’t want to look like a fool by telling Amanda that Finn and I were together and then have him show up the following weekend with some new girl.

  I didn’t know much about guys, but I knew Finn was a ladies’ man. He had to be. He was too attractive and too confident not to be.

  A sickness sank into my stomach with the thought of Finn saying and doing the things he was saying and doing with me with some other girl. An earlier conversation we’d had before ran through my mind and I could remember him telling me that he had girls in his life.

  Maybe I was moving a little too fast with my emotions. Maybe wrapping myself around Finn so quickly wasn’t a good idea after all, but it was so hard not to. Especially when he was saying and doing things I’d been yearning for.

  That afternoon after dinner I finished up some homework, got ready for sleep, and then relaxed in bed with my favorite book until I could feel myself getting tired. Part of me tried to stay awake in hopes that Finn would swoop in and stay the night with me again, but soon my eyes were heavy and I fell asleep.

  By the time Wednesday came around, it had been two days since I’d seen or heard from Finn. I was starting to worry that maybe he really had been messing with my head. I spent the day feeling sick to my stomach and worrying a hole in my heart. I was willing to do anything that would take my mind off of Finn.

  When it was time to go to church, I rebelliously slipped into my only long jean skirt instead of the normal khaki and pretended I didn’t see my parents’ disapproving eyes when I met them at the car. Once we were at church, my cross warmed my palm as I sat through my dad’s sermon on sinful ways and remaining holy.

  I could feel the congregation’s eyes on me since it had already gotten around the church about my night out with Finn. They knew Daddy’s sin sermon was for my ears only and seemed to praise Jesus a little louder for my sake. It hurt. My church family was supposed to love me no matter what, but it felt as if they were all turning their backs on me and condemning me.

  Stephen wouldn’t even look at me anymore, which was fine by me. The last thing I wanted was more attention. His parents had no problem keeping their eyes on me, though, and I spent the entire time wishing I could disappear under the pew and sneak out the back.

  The next day at school, I decided I’d had enough wondering about Finn and that talking to Amanda was my best option. I watched her stuff her face with her lunch and text from across the table.

  “When’s the last time you saw Finn?” I asked abruptly.

  There was no need to beat around the bush. Pulling the Band-Aid off fast was less painful.

  She looked at me with her mouth open before she recovered and answered. “I saw him last night. Um… why?”

  It was time she knew what was going on in my life. It seemed that she was the only person in my life who wouldn’t judge or look down on me. It made me appreciate her friendship even more.

  I spent the rest of lunch telling all. I could tell by the way she was looking at me that I shocked her. Even though Finn and I hadn’t done anything sexually, she looked at me with wide eyes as if she were in awe of me.

  “Okay, so you guys are, like, a thing?” she asked.

  “I don’t know what we are,” I said as I covered my face with my hands and growled in aggravation.

  The truth was I missed him and I wanted to see him. I wanted to know what was going on between us, if there was anything there to fight for. If not, then I was going to drown myself in schoolwork and church the way I always had and move on.

  “I’m going with Kevin to Finn’s house tonight for practice. You should come and talk to him.” She shrugged.

  And just like that, I made plans to sneak out with Amanda once again. It wasn’t a smart move, I understood that, but it was necessary as far as I was concerned. I wasn’t looking forward to going to the scary side of town, but I could be brave for Finn.

  I went straight to my room when I got home and did my homework. At dinner, I was silent as I ate. I felt awful knowing I was being deceitful, but it felt worse not knowing what was going on with Finn and me.

  I sat quietly in my room and read until I was sure my parents were asleep. Once I could hear my dad’s loud snoring sounding from down the hallway, I pulled out an outfit that I borrowed from Amanda and slipped it on. I thought it was sweet of her to run home during school and pick through her clothes for me. If I was going to go back to Finn’s garage, I didn’t want to stick out too much.

  The dark jeans were tight and hugged my hips like a second skin and the black shirt barely covered my stomach. Every time I lifted my arms, I felt a breeze on the skin just above the waist of my jeans. Even though the clothes were tighter than I was used to, I felt more comfortable in them.

  I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and tucked my cross beneath the collar of my shirt. When I finally took a second to look in the mirror, I was amazed at how different I looked. I felt good—comfortable in my skin and ready to take on the wrong side of town. It was amazing the confidence a pair of jeans could bring.

  When Amanda tapped on my window, I slid out with little problem. Turns out it’s much easier to move around in a pair of jeans than it is a long skirt. I padded across the damp yard to Kevin’s car and was once again met with Tiny sitting in the back seat.

  I didn’t even look back to check to see if my parents had woken up as we pulled away from the curb. The nerves that I felt last time I snuck out were nowhere to be seen. The only thing I felt was happiness as we made our way through town and closer to Finn.

  Twelve

  Finn

  I sold the last of my stash, fixed my car, and bought a new tire. It felt damn good to have the Mustang back on the road. I was determined to get my life in order and be good for Faith. I didn’t want to sneak around with her. I wanted her dad to be okay with me dating her, and if I wanted that, I had to go straight.

  I spent the day after getting my car fixed going around and putting in applications everywhere I could. My drug-selling days were over and I wanted to earn honest money. Mom, who never even knew I was dealing, agreed that it was time I stepped up and got a
job. She needed my help, but she also understood that I had to make my own way—be a man and all that.

  I missed Faith like crazy, but I wasn’t going to approach her dad with anything until I could show him that I’d changed and was doing better for myself. My plan was to go to church the following Sunday to speak with him. He needed to know that I was in love with his daughter and I meant her well.

  By Wednesday, I didn’t think I could take it anymore. All I could think about was sneaking in her window and spending the night with her again. At the very least, I wished I could hear her voice over the phone. Instead of giving in, I wrote songs for the band. Who gave a shit if they were ballads? It felt good to get my feelings out on paper.

  Once Reynolds showed up at my house for practice Thursday night, I was hungry for just a glimpse of Faith. I’d never known what it felt like to miss someone so much. He beat on his drums and bullshitted while we waited for Kevin and Tiny. I turned him down when he offered to do a line with me and I was proud of myself.

  I watched from my couch as he lined it up on my coffee table and then sucked it up through a dollar bill. He captured the rest of it from the table top with his finger and rubbed it on his gums with a big goofy smile.

  “You need to lay off that shit, man,” I said as I took a swig from my beer.

  “Oh come on, Finn, not you, too. I got this, dude. No worries.” He ran the back of his hand across his nose.

  Overdosing was a real thing where I came from. I’d only ever seen it happen once, but I knew people over the years that had taken their drug habits too far. I was well on my way out of that shit. The people around me could do what they wanted, but I was done.

  I walked toward my mic when I heard a car pull up. I was ready to take my frustrations out in my music. Expecting Kevin and Tiny to walk into the garage, I was taken back when Jenny, my ex girlfriend, walked in.

  “What’s up?” I asked as I fell back onto my couch. “Haven’t seen you around lately.”