Finding Faith

by Tabatha Vargo

  My knees gave up finally from the shock, so I sat on her couch as she locked the front door and put the chain up.

  “Of course he’s beautiful. He’s ours.” She smiled over her shoulder at me. I slid over when she took a seat beside me. “So what now?” she asked nervously.

  I looked down at her hands and noticed she was wringing them so hard that her fingers were turning purple. Reaching out, I laid my hand on top of hers to make her stop.

  “What do you mean what now?”

  She looked up and her brown eyes connected with mine. There was so much fear in there that I wanted to pull her into my arms and smooth it away.

  “Well, now that you know, we need to get Jimmy used to you. I know you’re going to want to see him, but I think we should get him used to the idea of you before we start with any kind of visitation. That is, if you want it.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and then sighed. “But most importantly, Finn, there’s to be no drinking and drugs around him. Promise me.”

  My heart sang when she called him Jimmy. I wanted to kiss her for naming my son after me, but at the same time, I didn’t comprehend what she was saying. Visitation? Drugs and drinking? None of that mattered to me.

  “I’m done with drugs and drinking,” I said sternly.

  And I was. I had a son—an impressionable son that I wanted to shield from everything bad in the world.

  “And as far as visitation goes, that won’t be necessary.”

  Fear filled her eyes again and I could see her breathing change as she started to panic. She twisted her fingers again, making the purple shade return. Again, I laid my hand over her fingers to make her stop.

  “Why? Are you going to try to take him?” she asked with wide eyes.

  “No. Because once I buy a house, y’all are coming home with me.”

  And they were. I wouldn’t have it any other way. The woman I loved and my son were not going to live in some shitty apartment. He was going to have anything he wanted, and she was never going to scrub another toilet again.

  “What? But, Finn, we don’t even—”

  I stopped her with my finger. Her warm breath tickled my palm, and I smiled down at her.

  “You’re coming home with me. I love you and I love Jimmy. You’re my family and I want to take care of you. Let me take care of you, Faith. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  A tear slid down her cheek as she shook her head yes, and I captured it with my thumb.

  “Yes,” she whispered against my finger.

  I moved in slowly and replaced my finger with my lips. She threw her arms around my neck and kissed me back. I’d never been so happy. Everything I wanted was in my grasp, and I was determined to never let it slip away again.

  I pulled back and rested my forehead against hers. Reaching in my pocket, I pulled out her cross. It warmed my palm as usual, and the blunt tips dug into my skin. I held her hand and opened her fingers. Setting the tiny cross in her palm, I closed her fingers around it and gently squeezed.

  “I believe this belongs to you,” I said with a smile.

  She opened her hand and ran her fingers over the cross.

  “You kept it. I can’t believe you kept it.” She sniffled.

  I tilted up her chin so I could look her in the eye. “I used to hold it every day and imagine it was you. I kept it with me everywhere I went. I really do love you, Faith. I always have and always will.”

  Another tear dripped down her face.

  “I love you, too, Finn. Forever.”

  It’s funny how life works. Sometimes you have to jump hurdles to get the things you want. I’d spent my entire life waiting for Faith to come to me. I’d jumped more hurdles than most, but it was worth it in the end.

  I wanted something to believe in—something that held me to the earth when I thought I’d fly away into the nothing. I had no idea it would be a woman that made me feel that way, but I found happiness in her smile and peace in her eyes. I found comfort in her arms and joy in her kiss. She was mine. I’d looked for it my entire life, but finally, I’d found faith, and it took me a while to realize that I didn’t have faith, Faith had me.

  Epilogue

  Finn

  “Daddy, where do babies come from?” Little Jimmy asked in front of everyone at the table.

  He was so smart and he was constantly asking questions that I never knew how to answer.

  Having Thanksgiving dinner with the entire band and their families on top of my family and Faith’s mom made for a big table full of people. They all looked at me as Jimmy waited for an answer.

  Mom smiled to hide the fact that she wanted to laugh at me. She loved Jimmy so much. She’d never been so happy as she was the day I brought him home to meet her. Her and Rick spent a lot of time spoiling the hell out of him, but he loved his Grandma and Pop Pop.

  Chet burst into laughter and Tiny smacked him on the arm. I gave them both my shut the fuck up face. I looked over to Zeke for a little bit of help, but he and Patience just sat there with their lips glued together to keep from laughing.

  “Babies come from their mommy’s belly,” Faith answered calmly.

  I reached down and grabbed her hand. She was always so calm with Jimmy and always had all the answers. She was the perfect mother and wife. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Of course, in her profession, she had to be patient. She was a part-time medical assistant until she was done with nursing school. Being a nurse was going to be hard work, and she’d be perfect when it came to dealing with some of the crazy people.

  I was happy when she agreed not to work during her pregnancy, but I knew she loved it and more than anything, I wanted her to be happy. The day she walked across the stage and got her high school diploma, her smile had been nothing short of luminous. She never gave up on her dream to graduate and go to college, and I’d never been more proud of her.

  She was so strong and independent and I loved that about her, but I also loved that she knew when to let me take care of her because I wanted to for the rest of my life.

  I reached down and ran my palm across her protruding stomach. Our first little girl was on her way in two months, and I could hardly wait to meet her. The thought of having a daughter scared the shit out of me. Mostly because I knew there were men like me all over the world. I prayed every night that my little girl never ran into any of them. I had no problem whatsoever choking the life out of anyone who hurt one of my kids.

  Little Jimmy dropped the subject of babies and we all ate dinner. The table chatter buzzed as we filled in our families about road life and the different towns we visited.

  After dinner, we spent time with everyone in the family room before saying our good-byes. I loved the holidays because it meant spending time with family, but I hated to see them go. I was amazed at the amount of love that surrounded me. As a young boy who grew up with no one, I ended up with some of the best people in my life.

  We weren’t the conventional family by any means. I’d been adopted by my mom and together we adopted the rest of the band, but we were closer than most families, and they meant the world to me.

  Later that night, after everyone had gone home and we finally got Jimmy to bed. I snuggled up to my beautiful wife and held her close to me. I would never get enough of her—never. She looked even more beautiful pregnant, and I couldn’t seem to keep my hands off of her.

  “I have something for you,” she said as she turned in my arms to face me.

  Her stomach pressed into mine and I felt the baby kick against me. My heart warmed and I couldn’t help but smile.

  “Oh, do you?” I flirted back.

  “Yep. Do you want it now or do you want to wait?”

  I loved it when she was playful.

  “I want it now please.”

  She rolled me onto my back and straddled my lap.

  “Are you sure?” she asked.

  I reached up and cupped her full breasts. Her entire body had filled out, and I loved occupying my hands with eve
ry part of her. She was warm—filled with so much sweetness, covered with lovely soft skin.

  “Oh yeah, I’m positive.”

  She leaned down and kissed me, and I lost my hands in her long, soft hair.

  “You can have me on one condition,” she said with a devious smile.

  “Anything,” I said as I nibbled her bottom lip.

  “Say something dirty.”

  I laughed as she used my own words against me, but I wasn’t like Faith used to be. I had no problem whatsoever saying something dirty. So I rolled her onto her back and kissed her hard, and then I spent the rest of the night showing my wife exactly how dirty I could be.

  Blow Hole Lyrics

  Death by Faith

  Passionate and fleeting

  I live to swim in you

  Hold me down, can’t stop the bleeding

  Devotion breaking through

  Worshiping your depths

  Your presence lends its heat

  Reminding me what’s left

  Of the man you left in me

  Blindly trusting ways

  Loyal hands won’t hold you high

  Convicted by your grace

  In a world I can’t rely

  Chorus:

  I wish for you I’d only bled

  You took more than I could give

  My insides so cold and dead

  My wounded eyes no longer live

  I tried to run so far away

  Since my heart’s no longer safe

  I can’t deny you here today

  You murdered me with lack of faith.

  Reverence has broken

  Exposing breath and bone

  Faithless hearts have now spoken

  Leaving me to breathe alone

  Beliefs unbinding hope

  Memories bring sanity

  Finding ways to deal and cope

  Searching for what’s left of me

  You taught me how to trust

  Then burned me with the lesson

  Passion masked by lust

  Desire was your weapon

  Closed eyes no longer blink

  Bliss dies and I’m unsure

  The devil in soft pink

  In you I found rapture

  Chorus

  Acknowledgments

  This is my fifth book and this is still one of the hardest parts for me. If I thanked every single person who has helped me over the course of writing this book, I would be writing another book.

  First and foremost, I want to thank my husband Matthew. He has taught me everything I know about love and romance. He’s my biggest supporter and always has been. Thank you, baby, from the depths of my soul. I love you.

  Melissa Andrea, thank you for listening to me ramble. You’re crazy and so am I. Together we make a hell of a woman. You’re amazing and I’m so glad we became such great friends. I love you, Mel!

  To Julia Hendrix, thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the last year. You’ve been entirely too good to me. You’ve helped me so much and you’ve kept Matthew sane, as well. I’m so happy to have such an amazing friend on my side. Thank you. Love you, girl!

  To Kelly Robinson, for just being awesome and lending me an ear when I need it. You rock and I’m happy to you call you my friend. I love you, chick!

  To Paula Kaesberg, aka the speed reader, for being the first person to read Finding Faith and for giving me your honest opinion. Thank you for all of your support over the last year. I really appreciate it.

  Regina Wamba… Seriously, do I need to say anything else after that name? I love you, chick. You’re amazing at what you do and I’m so glad to call you my cover designer as well as my friend.

  Cassie McCown, my sweet and wonderful editor, you’re the most patient person alive. Thank you for picking through my garbage and finding the gold that lies beneath. You rock, chick!

  To my amazing street team, you guys are freaking amazing. The support you give me blows my mind and I’m so thankful for each and every one of you. If I could, I’d give you all great big squeezing hugs.

  To every blogger/page administrator who has posted or shared anything for me since I’ve started publishing, thank you. I can’t stress it enough how much you guys mean to me. You guys supported me from day one and that’s more valuable to me than gold. I send you all bear hugs and love.

  To all my friends and family who have been supportive of my writing throughout the years. Thank you. I love you.

  To my daughter, Ashlynn, who’s my inspiration for everything I do. Mommy loves you to the moon and back. You’re my life.

  And finally to YOU, my wonderful readers, you guys are beyond amazing and supportive. You send me the best feedback and help me to hone my craft and make it the best it can be. Thank you for taking a chance on a new author and turning me into a USA TODAY BESTSELLER. I love you all more than you can imagine. Thank you!