Unmistakable

by Gigi Aceves

  How do I answer that? I haven’t ever thought of giving my life to save another. Then, it hits me, stopping my thoughts, and squeezing my heart. The force, which rocks me to my core makes my heart hurt as if something were squeezing it so hard. It’s enough to wake me and make me understand the meaning behind every single action Cody and the rest of the guys are doing to save me.

  It hurts to know that Cody, the only man who has ever loved me; LT, my brother whose love I’ve been missing; Jake, whom I love like a brother; and Brian, who loves me like a sister, all of them are sacrificing their lives for mine. I let out a gut wrenching sob, knowing I could lose them all at any given time. Weakness takes over, and I fall…I fall on my knees with tears streaming down my face. The fear overtakes my senses, and it takes my entire being hostage.

  I’m consumed by shame. Shame covers me like a blanket filled with thorns, each pin size sharp point reminds me of how selfish I am…of how selfish I’ve been. The weight of my shame and selfishness, as well as, the fear of losing the ones I love, most specially Cody, cripples me. I think I’m strong enough to face anything….strong enough to weather whatever comes my way. Boy, was I ever wrong.

  Living with my dad made me think I could survive the ugly parts of life, but I was mistaken. The helplessness I felt ten years ago is nothing…nothing compared to the sense of anguish and despair I feel, right now. It’s in this moment, I realize the thought of not having someone love me is not as debilitating as losing the ones who love me….selflessly.

  Then, what do I do in return? I act like a child, stomp my feet, and treat them like crap. All because shit didn’t go down how I wanted it. The secret wasn’t meant to hurt me. In reality, Cody kept it to protect me, and Damien kept it to prepare me. How could I be so wrong?

  I feel LT’s strong arms shield me from my imaginary, self-inflicted wound. His calm, even voice, and sweet words make me cry even more, my guilt slashing my heart like freaking Edward Scissor Hands. I don’t deserve his kindness…his understanding. Yet, he gives it willingly.

  Suddenly, I feel a familiar pair of arms…arms full of love and acceptance, so I surrender to them. I embrace them with no humiliation, because his love erases every single morsel of guilt piercing my soul. His words…his words heal me.

  “I’m here, love. Let it go; I’m here,” Cody sweetly whispers in my ear.

  I mutter between sobs, “I’m so sorry…so sorry.”

  His arms tighten around me as he says, “Nothing to be sorry for.”

  I bury my face in his neck, needing his warmth. “I love you, Cody. Please forgive me. Please, don’t stop loving me,” I mumble, hoping he’ll understand, while I make a silent promise to myself never to disappoint him like this again.

  Not Ever.

  LT’s soft voice saves me from my pity party, “We have to go. Carry her to the car.”

  “You okay, Roxy?” Tami gives my shoulder a squeeze, and I gaze at her with apologetic eyes.

  Cody carries me to the car without uttering a single word. He doesn’t have to, because the way he’s holding me speaks volumes. His touch conveys a multitude of sweet words without saying them, his heat…his heat I absorb it. I want to crawl inside him…inside the heaven he created for me…for us. The air he breathes is as much his as it is mine. I don’t want to lose this…I don’t want to lose him. I hope he holds me until the day I breathe in my last breath.

  It’s not until the car starts moving, and I’m tucked in next to him that Cody whispers to me. The words he utters humbles me…

  “Roxy, I’ll never stop loving you. My mom once told me that love always trusts…it always protects…always perseveres… and it always hopes. I’ll always trust your actions are fueled by love…I’ll always protect you because you’re mine, as I am yours…I’ll always persevere to keep our love strong and our commitment solid. I’ll always hope your love for me will be as unmistakable as when you first loved me.”

  He seals it with a kiss so magical it transports me to our blissful place, without him being inside me. As his tongue glides inside my mouth in search of its mate, my tongue finds him. Every flick of his tongue, as well as each time mine quickly brushes his, is a vow of our devotion to each other. The pace in which he devours me is equivalent to how fast I want to say ‘I love you’ to him, each and every time. My heart is full…my mind clear, and my guilt…my Cody erases them all.

  A feeling of peace washes over me as soon as I have Roxy in my arms. Nothing and no one will ever compare to it. I can still feel the bite when I remember what she said after we made love, but I know she said it out of anger. I may be upset for a bit. I’m only human, and my heart isn’t made of steel, after all. However, I can never deny her forgiveness. I can’t deny her anything. Although, there’s a portion of my brain that tells me there’s always a limit to everything. I pray there will never be a time where my patience will run thin…where my hope will run dry.

  While I’m happy Roxy finally understands everything about the damn secret I feel as though control seems to be like water in my hand. It seeps through every crack, and my need to have control seems to intensify when I’m with her.

  I expect her to completely trust me, to give me control of what’s going on with us and everything else around us. It’s not that I want her to be a door mat. I just want her to let me take the lead in our relationship, but for a strong woman like her…it’s a feat I’m afraid I can’t ever achieve. Like me, she’s never been in a committed relationship, not because there isn’t enough love to go around. It’s because she can’t trust, and I can’t give up control.

  Five hours into our eight hour journey up north, we take our first break.

  “Roxy, wake up. Show me your eyes, love,” I say as I caress her hand.

  She moans, and I do what I do best. I go and kiss her neck, peppering her with open mouth kisses until she opens her eyes. She scrunches up her nose and smiles at me. A simple action like that puts everything in perspective. It aligns the right, and the wrong fades away, momentarily.

  LT requests, the girls to get our food after he signals for me to stay behind, which Roxy notices immediately. As I’m about to leave the car, one touch from Roxy slams my ass right back down.

  “Why?” She asks. Her eyes dart from me to LT, standing next to his car.

  Learning from my mistake, I decide I’ll tell her the truth from here on out.

  I start shaking my head. “I don’t know. That’s what I want to find out. I promise, I’ll let you know.” Her grip on my arm eases, then I help her out of the car.

  I walk toward Damien and copy his stance, legs apart and arms over his chest.

  “What’s up?” I ask, cutting to the chase.

  He runs his fingers through his hair. “According to Jack, the FBI will stage a raid tonight because of the new intel the stupid asshole gave the cops.”

  I shrug my shoulders. “That’s good news, right? What’s got you as stressed out as a fucking rubber band?”

  “The problem is, according to the perp, John’s been tortured. I don’t feel any remorse toward him; but I know, somehow, Roxy won’t have the same reaction when she finds out what happened to him. Question is…do we tell her?” LT looks at me for guidance.

  For once, LT is asking me what I think. My first thought is to tell Roxy, no question, but then a part of me, the over-protective part of me, asks can she handle yet another blow? I know she says she hates her dad, but I can never be sure how she’d handle this.

  “Is the intel verified? I’m sure, Jack asked for proof of life, right? I say, we tell her once we’ve confirmed. She’s a grown woman; if she’s going to fall apart, well, I’m here. What I’m not going to do is sit and hide shit from her again. Not ever. Question is, do you want me to tell her, or do you want to do the honors. It really doesn’t matter, because I’ll be sitting next to her when she finds out.”

  With a resigned sigh, LT says, “Alright, let me make a phone call, and we’ll tell her as soon as we’re settled in th
e new house.”

  I nod in agreement ending our talk. I know as soon as she gets the opportunity, Roxy’s going to ask what we talked about. She certainly didn’t disappoint.

  “So, what did he tell you?” Roxy asks. Her eyes are boring into mine.

  I look at her sternly. “It’s about John, okay? He may have been taken, but I…” shrugging my shoulders “…don’t know if it’s true or not. Let’s, wait until LT verifies it, okay? No more secrets, love. I promise.” She doesn’t break eye contact until she’s satisfied with what she sees in my eyes.

  What worries me is her deadpan reaction when I told her about John. I would have accepted any emotion, but none at all, is a red flag. It’s something I need to discuss with LT. After our lunch stop, the next three and a half hours fly by quickly. Before we know it, Jake’s standing next to his brand spanking new Tahoe next to Trish.

  Roxy is the first one to jump out of the car, running toward Trish. There goes my heart beating at full speed, because she just steps out of the car without me giving her the go ahead. This girl will be the death of me!

  “OMG! Mama Igloo!” Roxy pulls away from Trish to look at her baby bump. She starts talking to Trish’s stomach. “Hello, my dickens. Have you guys been giving Momma a hard time? Next time you see daddy’s dick, kick the shit out of it.”

  “Roxy, if you must know, my dick is safe with my dickens, smart ass!” Jake says, giving Roxy a wet willy making her scream so loud.

  “Roxy, how I’ve missed your smart mouth!” Trish says, shaking her head as Jake hovers over her like a fucking mother hen.

  “Trish, you’ve popped out a lot!” Tami shrieks as she holds onto Trish’s round belly, nudging Roxy out of her way.

  “I know. I’m super excited!”

  “Can we all move this get together into the living room? I want Trish to sit down and put her legs up. Come on, babe,” Jake says, as he leads Trish inside the house.

  Roxy groans, “Oh, how are we going to survive nine months of this?”

  “Let’s pray she’ll last close to nine months. Carrying multiples to full term is hard. She looks very good, though. I have to call Betsy and give her an update,” Summer says.

  I didn’t miss the worry in Summer’s voice, and neither did LT. Even though we have a plan in place for Trish’s immediate evac when shit hits the fan, it’s still nerve wracking. We can’t rely on Jake to carry his load, because he’ll be focused on Trish, and he needs to be. I’d do the same thing if I were in his shoes.

  While the girls get comfortable in the living room talking about babies and vaginas, we step outside on the deck to talk about what LT told me.

  LT leans against the railing and starts our debriefing. “Just finished talking to Jack, and here’s the latest intel. The FBI requested proof of life for John, and we have nothing,” He swings his gaze at me and nods. “I’m keeping this under the radar for now. Also, according to Gunny, the FBI knows where Tessa is hiding. They’re just waiting until she makes contact with the bigger fish so they can make an arrest. You know, kill two birds with one stone.” He scrubs his face with his hand, “So far, I don’t think anyone knows we’re up here, but keep your guard up. Is there an indoor shooting range close by, Jake? I’d like to take the girls, so they can practice, but first, how’s Trish?”

  Before Jake answers, I say, “I already told her that John may or may not have been taken. Her reaction wasn’t what I expected. We need to watch her, LT. That’s a weakness these fuckers might try to use.”

  “Brian, talk to her and spin it a different way. Interrogate her without her knowing,” LT instructs Brian and switches his attention to Jake. “So, how’s Trish?”

  “She’s fine, so far. A few pains here and there, but nothing serious. I’m just glad Summer’s here, because half the fucking time, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” He leans forward, his arms on his knees. “Here’s the set up. The third floor is ours, I’ll let you guys decide on which room belongs to whom. Obviously LT, you’re not gonna bunk with Summer, so the sofa bed in the den has your name on it. Kitchen’s stocked up, girlie movies are available, and internet’s set up, as well as the cameras outside, per your request, LT. There’s an indoor shooting range a couple of blocks over. Though, I don’t think we’ll need it. Trish knows how to fire, as well as the girls. I just want this to be over.” Jake leans back as he pinches the bridge of his nose--a sure sign of stress.

  “Um, why not stay on the second floor, Jake, or better yet, the guest bedroom. Wouldn’t it be easier for Trish? She can’t be going up and down the stairs.” Brian’s concern, blanketing his face.

  Jake shakes his head. “I thought about that, but the master’s has a door that leads to the deck. If shit hits the fan, I have another escape route to get her the hell out.” Jake looks at Brian, knowing already what the other is thinking. “I know there are stairs, and yes, its dangerous to be carrying a pregnant woman; but you want me to put my wife in a place where there’s a choke point? I can’t do that.”

  “Fair enough,” Brian nods in agreement.

  Jake stands up and looks at us. “If we’re done here, I’d like to spend more time with my wife.”

  “Damn, whipped boy! You just spent two weeks with her, man. Can’t get enough of that pussy or what?” I say, grinning at him.

  “She’s my oxygen, Cody. It’s much easier to breathe when she’s next to me,” Jake says with a smile and a hint of sadness in his eyes. “For me, time isn’t measured anymore by days, or hours, or even the minutes. For me, I live for every second, down to the last millisecond, imagine that. One second, away from her, is one second too long. I want to make every second count. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve wasted so many seconds with you ugly pussies, instead of staring at my lovely wife,” Jake ends his speech with a smile, as he walks inside to, unceremoniously, attach himself to Trish.

  I walk back inside following Jake, leaving Brian and LT to obsess about the security of the new house. I signal for him to go to the garage, so I can pick his brain and to let off steam. He arches his brow at me, wanting me to start talking as soon as we set foot in the garage. I in turn, put my pointer finger up, telling him to give me a minute. I need to get my head straight, first.

  I find myself thinking of Roxy, while I stand looking at Jake. I don’t know why I find it hard to surrender control to her. I know I can. I’ve done it many times. Every time my crew and I set out on a mission, I let go of part of the control to each and every member in my team. Why can’t I do it to her….for her….with her? The answer to that question, surprisingly, is right in front of me. The realization hits me so hard, so strong, its trajectory almost brings me to my knees. Everything else stops, and the only thing I can feel is the jack hammering of my heart. Let’s not talk about the pain, because I’ll take every bone in my body breaking, instead of what I’m feeling right now. Not only did I discover what she doesn’t want or can’t give me, but I also, unfortunately, understood why I can’t give her what I so willingly and freely give my brothers in arms.

  TRUST versus CONTROL.

  She doesn’t trust me enough for me to give up control.

  Trust and Control, in my mind, need to be in a symbiotic and reciprocal relationship. When you’re in a combat zone, you have to trust the guy next to you will have your back, and do his job at the same time. So, Roxy and me both of us fighting to keep what we’re afraid to give. Can we truly function together, without gifting each other these two things we hold so close? How can I truly convince her to trust me if I can’t even convince myself to give up my need to control shit.

  Jake slaps my shoulders, bringing me back to earth.

  “What’s going on in that fucking head of yours?”

  “How’d you give it up, Jake? I’m having a hard time coming to terms with it,” I finally ask the question I’m dying to get answered.

  With his brows scrunched up, he asks. “Give what up?”

  “Control. How’d you give it up? Is there some ki
nd of ritual or some shit like that? Man, let me tell you, I’m about ready to do the rain dance butt naked. I’m climbing the fucking walls on this one.”

  He shrugs his shoulders and smiles. “Love. That’s what made me give up my need to control shit. I love her more than loving control. I thought I could dominate her tears and fears by telling her to be strong, but in reality, I was trying to control something I couldn’t. Fear is a bitch, Cody. There’s no ammo, no plan, no air strike that can kill it. It’s a silent enemy that strikes whenever it wants. There are two things that can kill it. One, you gotta trust the Big Man Upstairs. He calls the shots, man. Two, a solid core, meaning you and Rox have to be secure in the love you have for each other.”

  “Trust me, Jake. I trust the Big J. I wouldn’t have lasted in the Corps blowing shit up, going from one mission to another if I didn’t. I know Roxy and I are solid, as far as the love we have for each other; but she doesn’t trust me, and that’s the fucking problem. It’s not fear at all. Trish trusts you completely. Roxy, though, fuck if I know.”

  Jake puts his hand up to stop me from talking. “Fear always comes with something attached to it, and that’s the reason why you’re afraid. In your case, you’re afraid to give up control, while she’s afraid to trust you.”

  “Jake, I just want her to follow my lead. I want her to ask me what I think is best, and believe I know what the fuck I’m doing. I need her to trust me, implicitly. Every mission I was assigned to, I got the fucking job done. I get it done! I know my mark, and time and time again, I’ve put a bullet between my mark’s fucking eyes. So, I say again, all I want…all I need is for her to believe I know my shit. I want her to give me the reins on how to handle us!”