by Gigi Aceves
I’m not even going to say I don’t know what he’s trying to tell me, because I do. This is his indirect way of telling me to stick to the plan, and not go with mine. If only, I had that option.
Without blinking, I say, “I haven’t done anything that could possibly raise your blood pressure, right? What’s up with the civilian?” I ask, using air quotes on the word civilian. “Aren’t you one, already?”
“No, I’m definitely not a civilian. Maybe in what I wear, but the way I think isn’t, because I won’t jeopardize myself or anyone else without consulting someone who knows their shit.” His tone may be soft and unchallenging, but the words are a direct hit to me.
“We’re good, Sir. Following orders as always.” I salute him, trying to lighten up the situation.
He starts nodding his head. “Alright, I trust you, sis. I hope you know that.”
I smile at him. “I know.” My brother’s intense gaze makes me squirm. It’s as if I’m being interrogated. “Um, what did Gunny say? He didn’t even say hi to us.”
“He’s upset because I called him for nothing. I’m surprised I’m not in the dog house. Your man, though, got his ass handed to him. Gunny didn’t approve of his bitch fit. Apparently, he isn’t allowed to stress you out. You’re turning Cody into a pussy, Rox. You gotta let my boy do his thing.”
I laugh out loud, though in my ears, it sounds so forced. Another dig coming from my brother.
“Please, I let him do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, whichever way he wants,” I say in a sing song voice.
My brother’s eyes bug out, again. “Roxy! Stop with the innuendos. Mother will wash, that mouth of yours with soap.”
The mere mention of our mother erases the semi smile on my face. Not because I don’t want to see her, God knows I do, but because I might not get the chance to. Surprisingly, I’m not as mad at her as I am with my father. I guess, my brother’s nonstop talk about how nice, self-sacrificing, and loving she is dissolves whatever anger I might have harbored.
“What’s with the sad face?” Damien asks, as he sits next to me on the edge of the bed.
“I don’t know. I guess, I want to meet her already,” I answer softly, looking down and shrugging my shoulders.
Damien grabs my chin, pushing it until my eyes meet his. “You will, Roxy, but not until this shit is over. I don’t want to throw mom into the mix, because I can only be in one place at a time. I can only protect one of you. This is the best way, trust me. Just stick to the plan, and mark my words, you’ll meet mom soon. She works at the hospital, you know. So, she’s not that far away, sis.”
My brother’s eyes are boring into mine. Perhaps, waiting for a confession or a denial, but he won’t get either, because I’ll remain silent. Less talk…less mistakes. I give him a hug, instead. Why does it feel like a goodbye? Why does everything feel like a goodbye? My eyes start to water, and I blink a couple of times to stop tears from falling.
“I’ll let you do what it is you do in the morning,” Damien says as he runs his hand on my back, comforting me. “This isn’t all on your shoulders, Roxy. It’s not your cross to bear, alright?” He leans back to look at me, and I know the truth he sees in my eyes.
“It’s no one else’s cross to bear either, Damien. How I wish you’d understand that. I need you to understand that.”
He cups my face with his hand and smiles, “I do; believe me, I do, let the big boys play, okay? We’re trained to deal with a situation like this. The question isn’t who needs to carry the cross, but who’s able to do it. Are you? Don’t start ranting about girl power, because it doesn’t apply here.”
I start shaking my head. In my mind, they will never understand….no one will ever understand.
“I don’t know why you’re talking that way. It’s as if you know I’m planning a secret save the world operation. Please, my powers can’t handle all this craziness. I’m just chillin’ here, brother. Just chillin’.”
The saying ‘fake it until you make it’ rings true in this situation.
“Just chillin’ huh? Then, why the sadness and hurt in your eyes. You can smile all you want, act as if everything’s cool and shit, but your eyes give you away, Roxy. So, tell me what your heart feels, right now.”
“I hurt. I love him, so much, Damien. I’ve imagined a life with him. A long and happy fulfilled life. A dream, I finally begin to accept as a reality, but life gets in the way as Jake says all the time. He’s pulling back from me, and as much as he tries to hide it, I know…my heart knows. I’ve waited so long…painfully long for someone to love me, and now that I’ve found it, I feel as if I’m losing him. I don’t know how to make him understand. I don’t understand anything anymore. The only thing I know is, I hurt right here,” I say jabbing my chest, while I start shaking uncontrollably. If not for my brother’s strong arms, I’d be sprawled helpless on the floor.
“All this because you guys had a fight or there’s something more you’re not saying? Roxy, he’s not bailing on you. We’ve been cooped up in this house for so long, it’s driving everyone a little on the insane side. Don’t read too much into it, okay?”
It takes me a while to say something, because trying to control my emotions where Cody’s concerned isn’t an easy task. He’s ‘my everything’ and losing him, being robbed of his touch and his love, not being able to enjoy a lifetime with him is a punishment I don’t want to be subjected to, but a penalty I need to accept.
“You’re right. Damn, this situation is making me too emotional.” I wipe my face with the back of my hand, giving my brother a smile, hoping he doesn’t see through me.
He stands up and walks toward the door, as I reach for him and pull him toward me. I hug him so tight my arms hurt, but my heart’s pain eases a bit. There’s so much more in this hug…so much more. It’s my way of saying goodbye, without actually saying it. The saddest part is, I think, he knows it too because my brother is breathing me in. As if he’s transferring all of his strength to me, and I gladly accept it. Damien pulls back and cradles my head with his big hands, his eyes are troubled with a mixture of sadness, and once again, my heart constricts. I wonder when my heart will stop hurting…when that feeling of something ripping my heart out will ever disappear…because…
I just ache.
“When you hurt…I hurt, Rox. If only I could rewind life, so I can take back the time we lost I would, but I can’t. How I wish I could carry your burden, erase all the hurt, give up my happiness for yours, but I can’t.” His eyes continue to roam my face, and his green eyes land again on mine. “A man’s weakness will always be the woman he loves, hands down. For now, you and mom are that for me. But, I know for a fact, there’s a man out there whose heart will be beyond repair if something bad happens to you. Make a wise decision, Roxy. One that will not hurt others, but more importantly, one that won’t break the man you love. I get what’s in here,” He taps my chest. “…trust me, I do. The desire to protect the ones you love, that’s something you, mom and I share. Though, sometimes I wish I had someone to share the load with. All you need to do is ask.” He smiles at me as he releases his hold on me.
He turns to leave, and while there’s an underlying meaning behind what he just said, it won’t change a thing. Not that I don’t value it…I do. Asking for help, I’ve thought about it, and my heart isn’t willing to go that route. I step into the shower to loosen my tight muscles and clear my mind. The splattering of the water against my body, and the calming sound of the running water should relax me some, but it doesn’t. There’s a constant battle waging in me, a never ending push and pull that doesn’t lessen in strength, a non-stop back and forth of reasoning in my brain to still my heart, and as hard as I try, there’s no calming the storm.
As Jake always says, ‘life gets in the way’…
It’s always in the way…
It’s been in the way all my life, and perhaps, it’s up to me…
To move it out of the way.
As I step out of
the shower, I’m surprised to see Cody leaning against the doorjamb. He’s looking at me with so much love in his eyes; it boomerangs its way to my heart and fills me up. My feet move on their own toward my love magnet. That thought makes me smile, because it’s the truth. It doesn’t matter where I am, or what I’m doing. Once he’s around me, he consumes every part of me, and my body can’t fight the allure. He draws me to him as a lost traveler in a desert running toward a mirage. He’s always there, when I need him….every time I need him.
“You feel better?” He asks as his knuckles caress my cheek, then cups it tenderly.
“Much better, now,” I answer as I lean toward his hand.
I lay my hand over his, turning my face to kiss his palm as my eyes close, relishing the moment…feeling the moment.
He pulls me in for a hug. “Come here, love. I need to hold you, right now.”
So, I do. My arms snake their way around his waist as his arms envelope me. His warmth calms me, while his touch sends fire all over me. How in the world can he calm and fire me up at the same time? It dawns on me that our love for each other serves as a calming force during a fierce storm, but it’s also a fire that burns so bright…so strong it’ll survive the darkness. So, I hold on to the calm and fire…I’ll hold on to that love. As he said, our love always protects…it always hopes…it always perseveres.
“Come on. You slept through the whole morning. I have a surprise for you,” he says as he kisses my head.
“Hmm, you do?” I teasingly answer.
“How about you get dressed, so we can eat.”
Giggling I respond, “If you’d quit palming my ass, I could.”
He gives me a love pat on my bum and leaves. My brows furrow as soon as the door closes, because it reminds me of the two times he’s left me. Pushing the negative thoughts aside, I quickly dress to see what surprise he has for me. I walk into the kitchen with everyone ready to eat, except for Trish and Jake. After I give everyone a good morning kiss, I sit down next to Cody.
“So, what surprise do you have for me?”
“Close your eyes first,” he says.
I close my eyes, but not before rolling them. He knows how I love surprises, and while I wait until he tells me to open them, I try to clear my mind of all the uncertainty surrounding us. I need to focus on the now….because my now is here. My all…my Cody is here.
Cody clears his throat and says, “Open your eyes, love.”
Right in front of me is my favorite meal in the whole entire world. I’m so easy to please, a simple meal is all it takes to make me happy. My mouth waters, and I’m afraid I’m drooling, right about now.
“OMG! Is this Brian’s famous blue cheese hamburger, and Tami’s homemade sweet potato fries?” I ask, wearing a huge smile on my face.
“Hey! You’re forgetting my chocolate milk shake,” Cody says. His smile not quite reaching his eyes.
I roll my eyes at him. “Of course, how could I forget? I feel so special. Thanks, T. Thanks, B!” As soon as the burger hits my taste buds, a satisfied moan escapes my lips, and my eyes roll all the way back. Someone may think I’m having an orgasm, but it’s Brian’s awesome burger goodness that’s the cause of my, oh so vocal appreciation.
A throaty growl sounds off somewhere, and my eyes snap open. Cody’s eyes are filled with lust, and his fingers are gripping my knee hard.
“Knock it off, Roxy.”
Wanting to change the subject, I ask, “Hey, where’s Jake and Trish?”
“Trish has been complaining of stomach pains. She’s quarantined in her room per my brother’s instructions. So, today will be a lazy day for us. I feel kinda blah myself,” Tami says, as she plays with her fries.
“Hmmm, what’s everyone doing, then? Want to watch a movie?” I ask as I reach for my milk shake.
“When I’m not with Trish, I’m gonna read some,” Summer answers.
“We’re washing the cars after lunch, right, B?” My brother asks.
Turning to Cody, I ask, “What are we doing, love?”
Wiggling his brows, he answers, “The sooner you finish eating, the sooner I’ll tell you.”
I finished half of the humungous burger, and I downed my milk shake as if I’m a six year old kid, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I turn to Cody, allowing him to pull me closer to him.
“Finally! How about we just spend the day in bed? I just want to hold you all day, love.”
How can I resist that? Another heart melting moment brought to me by my own personal swooning machine. Times like these are moments when I feel the luckiest, that I’m the most content. Then, the ugliness of life rears its ugly behind, and it’s as if you’re bitch slapped back to reality. I look up at Cody as he looks down at me, and I’m almost certain he feels the same way I do. I see the sadness in his eyes, too.
After helping Tami and Summer clean up the kitchen, I let out a loud yawn as I stretch my arms to the heavens.
Summer looks at me questioningly, “You just woke up, girly. How can you be yawning, already?”
Covering my mouth, I mumble, “I don’t know; I just feel sleepy all of a sudden.”
Putting his arms around me, guiding me toward the stairs, Cody says out loud, “Two words, Summer….food coma. Let’s go cuddle, love. You’re all mine.”
It’s hard not to miss the sadness in his tone, even when he’s trying to be playful. I hate what this stupid situation is doing to him….to us…to our relationship. As soon as I my eyes land on our bed, my eyes seems a tad bid heavier. I climb onto the bed while Cody walks toward his side, looking at me with his watchful eyes.
I nestle my head on his chest, as I hike up my leg over his. His arm as always, rests on my shoulder, his fingers run up and down my arms, as my finger makes circles on his chest. Presently, I’m content…content being with him...content with his presence surrounding me…content in loving him….and content in him loving me. My heart feels he is, too. I start thumping on his chest… the syllables of ‘love you’…thump, thump my fingers go as I mouth it.
“What are you doing?” Cody asks, while playing with my hair.
“This?” I look up at him and do the thumping motion, again.
He nods his head once, smiling at me. Just with his smile alone, everything is wiped clean…my world is back to how it used to be…for now.
Not breaking eye contact, I say, “I’m saying ‘love you’ without saying it.”
A flicker of pain flashes in his eyes. It quickly disappears, and in its place is love. His love for me shoves away the pain, anger, frustration…but more importantly, it shoves the ache out of the way.
“Do it, again?” He asks softly.
So I do….
Thump….thump…
“Again,” His voice breaks.
Thump…thump…
A tear I didn’t want to fall….falls….followed by another…then another.
“Love you, Cody.”
“I know, love….I know.”
It doesn’t take long, and my eyes start to close. Since my body is in sleep mode all of a sudden, it would appear the stress is catching up on me. Before my eyes completely shut, I hear the one voice that caresses my soul speaks to me.
“I love you, completely, Roxy. If for some reason something or someone gets between us, even myself; don’t forget.” He gives my hand that’s resting over his chest two thumps. “Just…just don’t forget…my heart is yours, it will be yours now, tomorrow, and until the day I go home.”
My heart beats wildly because of Cody….the things he says renews me…they strengthens my resolve, and my mind goes blank as everything stays still.
As soon as Roxy’s breath evens out I reach for my phone and text LT. We need to do this quickly, and we need to do it, now. I hate what we’re about to do, but I’ll do what I can to protect her. This is what we’ve come to…her lying to me, and me doing the same. Five minutes later, LT comes in holding a syringe. His eyes full of uncertainty, matching mine. The despair in our
eyes is as heavy as a five hundred pound weight on our chests. While his despair stays only but for a few seconds, mine stays constant. I have a feeling it’ll stay that way for a very long time.
LT moving to my side says, “Are you ready? Hold her tight, Cody. I’ll put it behind her ear…”
I shake my head, then whisper, “No, that’ll hurt too much. Shoot her up right here.” I point to her forearm. “Just in case we need to extract it, it won’t hurt as much.”
LT nods and softly says, “Good thinking. Hold her tight, and don’t let my girl move an inch, Cody.”
I look at him, seriousness blanketing my face. “She’s my girl, LT. Mine.”
The corner of his lips turn up, slightly. “Just checking, dude. Just for the record, she’s my girl, too. She’s my sister, don’t forget that.”
“I know that, but stick to ‘she’s my sister’, not ‘my girl’, understood?” I look at him, intently. I’m sure my eyes are boring holes into his.
He nods again. “Fair enough.” He takes a deep breath and says, “Ready?”
He presses the syringe against her soft skin, and just like that, a chip is inserted to track Roxy, just in case she’s taken. The thought alone shakes me to the core, and the need to just grab her and run away somewhere is so strong. I’m afraid between now and then, I may lose control and do just that.
LT stands up straight and eyes me. “Make sure you know what excuse to give her, because tomorrow, she’ll feel weird right there.” He points on the spot where he struck her.
I answer him with a head nod, not wanting to wake up Roxy, though I don’t think she will. Thank God for sleeping pills; otherwise, this would’ve been doubly hard. With Roxy’s breaths the only sound in the quiet that surrounds me, I feel my heart’s every hurt…every ache. With the anticipation of what’s to come, my mind drifts to the dark place that’s filled with nothing, but misery. I don’t want to succumb to too much darkness. It’ll just drag me too far….too deep, I might not be able to pull myself out. I give myself a couple of minutes of wallowing in this shit hole of emotions before I shut that part of my brain down.