Size Matters

by Stephanie Haefner

  “Insecurity?”

  “With your . . . um . . . penis.”

  “Oh.” His cheeks flushed red. “I figured that was part of it.”

  She jumped in with more explanation. “The thing with warning me. About your . . . size. It kinda freaked me out. And after that, you just seemed hesitant to let me see it.”

  “What do you expect? Not only do you sell monstrous toys, you own them and use them. How’s a guy supposed to compete?”

  “You don’t get it. A real live man is far better than any toy. It was your insecurity that turned me off more than anything.”

  He crossed his arms tightly over his chest, his timid expression gone. This conversation was about to turn into an argument and that wasn’t what Bryn wanted.

  “Listen,” she said, keeping her voice calm. “I really did want to be with you, but then all that insecurity happened and everything else and I—”

  “What do you mean ‘everything else’? There’s more?”

  “Well . . .” Shit. She hadn’t meant to say that. But there was no getting out of it now. “The other . . . stuff . . . wasn’t so great, either.”

  “What stuff? Me eating you out? You didn’t like it? ’Cause it sure as hell sounded like you did.”

  “It was different than I’m used to.” Maybe that would help.

  “It still got you off, so what’s the big deal?”

  “Well . . .”

  “Are you telling me you faked it?” Eli asked, his face ashen.

  “Kinda.”

  “There’s no ‘kinda.’ Either you did or you didn’t.”

  Bryn couldn’t look at him anymore. She couldn’t bear to see what she was doing to him. Her gaze dropped to her lap. “I faked it. I’m so sorry.”

  “This is unbelievable.” He stood, pacing the floor. “I dealt with Kristen belittling me for years and now I have to deal with this? All she did was complain about how small it was and how I never satisfied her.”

  Bryn felt about a centimeter big. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

  He shook his head. “I thought you were different. Are all women like this? Is there no satisfying any of you?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Eli walked to the edge of the room, then turned back. “I really thought we’d started something good. But you didn’t even have the decency to talk to me about any of this.”

  He left and came back a minute later with Amelia asleep in his arms, Austin walking in zombie mode. He didn’t say another word. Didn’t even look at her. He just walked out the door.

  Tears stung her eyes and she let them fall. A good man had just walked out of her life and it was all her fault.

  ELI BREATHED deep as he put his car in drive, hoping to clear his head. This was seriously what it all came down to? Sex? Or more accurately, him sucking at it. It was Kristen all over again, her words echoing in his ears. Was he really that bad at it? Fuck my life.

  He really thought Bryn was different. He didn’t think she’d care that his dick was small. He thought he could make it up with great oral. Apparently he’d been wrong. If this is what he was up against in the dating world, forget it. He’d rather stay single.

  Maybe this wouldn’t hurt so much if he didn’t love her. It would be far easier to say, “Fuck her!” and move on. But he’d envisioned a future with Bryn, a family. He thought she had, too.

  He pulled into the driveway and lifted Amelia from the backseat.

  “Why are we home?” she mumbled.

  “Because the party was over.”

  “When are we going back?”

  He walked up the front steps, no clue what to tell her. “I don’t know, honey.”

  “We should just move into Bryn’s house. Then we’d never have to leave.”

  Eli’s eyes stung as he went into the house, vision blurring as they clouded with moisture. That dream was never going to happen. The happy blended family he’d imagined had been shoved in the trash, taken to the curb, and thrown in the garbage truck. He could even hear the crunch of the compactor squishing his happily-ever-after dream.

  CHAPTER

  Twenty-five

  MONDAY MORNING and Bryn decided to be a bad mom and let her kids watch TV all morning, even though it was gorgeous outside. She curled up in bed with a book, escaping life for a little while. Diving into someone else’s problems seemed like a much better way to spend her morning.

  She’d hardly slept the last two nights, unable to get Eli’s words out of her head. She was a horrible person. Why had she been such a bitch? She should have given him another chance in the bedroom. She should have cared less about the sex part. Now all she could think about was losing the one guy who truly cared for her. Mind-blowing sex seemed pretty damn insignificant now.

  There was still Troy, but she was beginning to think he wasn’t the right guy for her.

  When it was time, she dragged herself out of bed, got ready, and walked the kids next door. Her life might be a mess, but Classy ’n’ Sassy still needed her. At least it was a good distraction.

  “How was your day off?” Mia asked when Bryn walked into the shop just after one.

  “Scrubbed my entire house. Every last inch is now dirt free.”

  “Wow. Was it that bad after the party?”

  “No. It was my way of not thinking about Eli and what a shithead I was to him.”

  “What happened?”

  “He asked why I broke it off. And I told him. All of it.”

  “Even the bad oral part?”

  “Yep.” Bryn flopped into a rolling office chair. “What the hell is wrong with me?”

  “Nothing. You were being honest.”

  “But maybe being honest when it will devastate someone just isn’t right.” She closed her eyes. “I think I hate dating. Maybe I should just give up.”

  “You still have Troy.”

  “He’s a bit too . . .” She searched for the right word. “Sex obsessed.”

  “What? You’re describing someone else as sex obsessed? Ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black?”

  “I’m not sex obsessed, I’m sex deprived. There’s a difference.”

  “Okay. So what did he do to make you think that?”

  Bryn relayed what had happened in her kitchen at the party.

  Mia rolled her eyes. “How many times over the years did I walk in on you and Johnny, in various places, practically doing it?”

  “That was different. We’d been together for a long time and he was my husband. I just met Troy. We haven’t even done it yet.”

  “Well, I think you two will be great together. You have a matching level of sexual desire.”

  “But he doesn’t seem good with kids.”

  “Give the guy a break. He’s never dated a woman with kids before. What else is wrong with him? And while we’re at it, let’s list the things wrong with Eli. You keep finding faults with every guy.”

  “Hold on there, sister. You were pretty damn picky yourself before Oliver came along.”

  Mia met Bryn’s gaze. She knew she had her.

  “Okay. You’re right. I have no solution for you. All I can say is that when the right guy comes along, it will fall into place like it did for me. Nothing about relationships is easy, but you’ll know if it’s right. And if you don’t feel it’s right with Eli or Troy, then move on.”

  Problem was, she was starting to think it was right with Eli and she may have screwed it up for good. How do you come back from a conversation like that? It probably wasn’t possible. She owed it to herself to cut Troy some slack and explore whatever this was between them. There were worse things than having a guy fawn all over her, anxious to have sex.

  “Before I go,” Mia started, “we have to talk about the food for the fashion show. The caterer needs the final menu by Wednesday.
I can’t believe this thing is less than a week away.”

  Bryn was happy Mia had changed the topic. She needed to concentrate on something else. “I like the hors d’oeurve buffet idea.”

  “Me, too. It’ll be the most cost effective.” She handed Bryn a list from the caterer. “I starred some things that might work. Go through and star what you like and we’ll order whatever we agree on.”

  “Sounds good.” She liked having something else to think about, even if it was stuffed mushrooms and antipasto skewers. “Did we ever order the penis and boob cakes?”

  “Well . . .” Mia sighed, and Bryn knew what that meant. “It’s a cute idea, but they’re pricey compared to the Italian cookies the caterer can do.”

  “I know it’s more expensive, but it’ll really tie in with the show.”

  “We have to watch how much money we spend. We’re already way overbudget. If we’re not careful, we could end up exactly where we were six months ago.”

  Couldn’t there be one thing in Bryn’s life that didn’t cause her stress? “Okay. Fine.” Last thing she wanted was to be back there, almost having to file for bankruptcy.

  “If this show doesn’t boost sales in a big way, it’ll all have been a major waste of money.”

  Okay, Debbie Downer, I get it. “It will be fabulous, and before we know it, we’ll be rolling in dough.”

  “I hope so.” Mia grabbed her purse. “I gotta leave early. You okay being here alone?”

  “Yeah. No Penny today?”

  “No. Her brother picked her up this morning and they’re going to the house to get her stuff while Jack’s at work. She’s gonna stay with her brother for a while.”

  “Good. I’ll give her a call later and check in.”

  “Okay. See ya tomorrow.”

  Bryn sat there in silence, unable to control the thoughts running rampant through her brain. Why couldn’t she silence them?

  The chime of the door pulled her from the swirling abyss of her brain. She plastered on her best I-love-people smile and headed into the showroom. But instead of finding a woman in need of bra assistance, she came face-to-face with Joel.

  “Oh. Hi. How are you?”

  “Where have you been? You never replied to my messages, and when I messaged you again, the site said the user no longer existed. Did you delete your Forever Mate account?”

  Shit. Why had she told him the name of the shop? “Yes, I did. I decided I didn’t need it anymore.”

  “Then why didn’t you reply and give me your number before you deleted it so I could call or text you?”

  Shit! Shit! Shit! This was supposed to end with her never having to hear from him again. Think quick. “I thought you had it already.”

  Joel turned his attention away from her and looked around the shop, walking over to a display of men’s lingerie, various items in pleather and lace. He picked up a pair of black briefs, sly smile. “Can I try these on?”

  “Um. Sure.” She led him to the men’s fitting room. Maybe he would try it on and go. Leave her alone. Forever. Yeah. You’re delusional.

  The shop phone rang and she ran to get it. “Classy ’n’ Sassy. This is Bryn. How can I help you?”

  “Hi! I was wondering about this fashion show you’re doing. Can you tell me about it?”

  “Sure!” Bryn dove into her spiel, but as she got to the part about location, she struggled to remember the details. Joel stood in the middle of the shop, in just the pleather briefs. “Um.” She shook away the scene in front of her and tried to concentrate. “The details are on our Web site. Thank you for calling. Hope to see you there.”

  She hung up the phone, taking a deep breath before she looked up again.

  Joel posed with his curled arms, showing off his biceps. He then switched to another pose, wide grin across his face. “What do you think?”

  She should probably choose her words very carefully. “It looks nice.”

  “Think I should get it?”

  Well, since it didn’t appear that he had left his underwear on underneath, as the sign in the changing room demands, and his sweaty balls were all up in this unpaid garment, yeah, he should pay for it. “Sure.”

  He walked closer to the front desk. “Or maybe I should get something else that you haven’t seen me in and I can model it for you tonight. What do you say?”

  Hell friggin’ no! She forced a tight smile.

  He noticed the fashion show banner above her and pointed to it. “Is that what you were talking about on the phone?”

  “Yep.” Why was he still standing in the middle of the shop in just a pair of underwear? She prayed no one would walk in. Or maybe it would be better if someone did. So she wouldn’t have to be alone with Joel any longer.

  “And you’re a model in the show?”

  Crap. Why had they put that on the banner? “Uh. Yes.”

  “Cool. I bet it’ll be a great show.” He flashed a sinister smile and it sent an eerie shiver up her spine. He needed to leave. Now.

  “How about you go change before a customer walks in. You don’t want to be caught like that, do you?”

  He shrugged. “I wouldn’t mind.” But he turned and headed toward the dressing room. Thank God.

  By the time he came back out, which was an unusual amount of time, Bryn was busy with a bride-to-be looking for some wedding-night lingerie. Joel gave a little wave, then made a phone with his thumb and pinkie, mouthing “Call me.” Which made no sense. She didn’t have his phone number. But she was staring to realize Joel was not exactly sane. Damn Internet dating.

  Bryn finished with her customer and checked the men’s fitting room, since Joel hadn’t brought the briefs out. She needed to throw them away. Or burn them. And there they were, laid so nicely on the chair, with a note written on the garment’s tag.

  Call me and bring these with you: 555-0898

  That was so not happening. She tossed them right into the garbage.

  The rest of the afternoon was relatively busy for a Monday, which was good. It kept her mind off the freak show that had been Joel. With the fashion show only days away, that kept her busy, too. Gilles must have called five times, asking about one thing or another.

  Almost nine o’clock and Bryn was very ready to close up and go home. The door chime sounded, of course. That always seemed to happen when she worked the late shift. But instead of finding a customer, she found Troy.

  “Hey. What are you doing here?”

  He leaned in to kiss her cheek. “I worked late and as I drove by I saw you in here, so I stopped. I was hoping to take you out for a late dinner.”

  “I can’t. I have to pick up the kids.”

  “Can’t they just stay with the babysitter awhile longer?”

  “No. Lindsey has had them long enough.”

  “That really sucks.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Kids make it pretty tough to have a normal relationship.”

  He’d said it with a little laugh and a smile, but it wasn’t funny.

  “Listen . . .” She tried to keep this as frank as possible. “I like you and I think we could maybe have something, but I have kids. They’re part of my package. I know it’s not something you’re used to, but if you want to be with me, you have to accept that and stop pushing them under the rug.”

  “I know. I get it. It’s just really hard for me. I keep forgetting about them.”

  “Okay. That’s understandable. Do you want to try spending time with me and the kids?”

  He breathed deep, an obvious battle going on in his brain. “I guess.”

  She supposed that was better than a flat-out no and the end of their relationship. After everything that had happened lately, she felt she owed it to herself to give it all she had. Try to make this thing work. “I’ll call you and we can set something up.”

  “Okay.”

>   He took his hands out of his pockets and closed the gap between them, one to her neck, the other to her waist. He pressed to her and she let her head tilt back, giving him full access to her mouth. And boy, did she like full access. The man may be horrible with kids, but he was a damn fine kisser. It was easy to lose herself in him. And losing herself was exactly what she needed to do.

  CHAPTER

  Twenty-six

  AFTER A trip through the drive-through for some caffeine, Bryn pulled into the lot behind the shop. Penny stepped out of her car as Bryn put hers in park. Poor girl. Her hair was pulled into a messy ponytail, and not in a shabby chic kind of way. No makeup. The clothes looked slept in. Bryn left her coffee and purse and stepped out of her minivan to offer her a hug.

  “What are you doing here?” Bryn asked.

  “I don’t know what else to do.”

  “Why didn’t you just stay at your brother’s and veg on his couch?”

  She pulled away and wiped her eyes, for what looked like the hundredth time that morning. “I’m not at his place. I’m at home. When we went there yesterday, most of Jack’s stuff was gone. I called him and he said he was moving in with her. He wants to be there for her during her pregnancy.” The last few words came out as a whisper, followed by sobs.

  Bryn pulled her back into her arms. “It’s gonna be okay,” she said as she rubbed circles on Penny’s back.

  “He was supposed to be helping me during my pregnancy, not that tramp’s.” She sobbed some more and Bryn just held her tight. After a minute she calmed down a bit. “You wanna know what he said? He said he’s excited to be a father. I wanted to throw myself out the fucking window.”

  “What an asshole. Worse than that. He’s scum. You need to go home and destroy the rest of his stuff. That’ll make you feel better.”

  “I can’t. When I’m there all I think about is him and his happy little fucking family and how miserable I am.”