The Choice

by Jean Brashear

  “Belinda won’t rest until I do this, sensei. Nor will Loretta.” Nor will I. Heavy of heart, she told him goodbye, then sat in the darkness, wondering what to do. The gathering storm outside howled out her turmoil.

  If she warned Cullinane, would he believe her, already knowing she’d lied? And if he did believe her, what would he do? Would he leave to save himself?

  She was almost certain the answer to that was no. So what would be gained?

  Would she cancel her debt to him for this day’s rescue if she told him? Would he back off on the watchdogs, giving her a chance at Hafner again?

  Not hardly.

  Most likely he’d watch Hafner even closer, and she’d never get another chance at the man.

  Sitting back heavily in the chair, Jillian wavered, for the first time, on a goal that had driven her for many, many months. Was Hiroshi right? Should she find some way to convince Cullinane to let her leave and go home?

  Belinda was dead. A kind woman needed her.

  Would she add to the mounting cost the life of a good man?

  But was he a good man? Images she’d fought to forget rose up to haunt her, images of the night passed in Cullinane’s arms. Whatever the reason for those pictures of her on the bank of monitors, she hadn’t let him explain, too caught up in her fixation on Klaus Hafner, too quick to leap to assumptions.

  But over and over, however stony he’d been, she realized now how often Cullinane’s actions had been at odds with his image. He talked tough, he was tough, but beneath was a man who cared about a young boy going astray, who’d spare time for a little girl’s pictures. A man who’d taken her to heights of glory with a power and tenderness that still made her shiver.

  Though she still couldn’t square why he was with Hafner, she did know he’d put himself at risk for her more than once.

  How could she do any less? Would Belinda rest easier, Loretta find peace, if Cullinane died while Jillian stayed fixed on vengeance?

  Her weary heart gave the answer. He might not believe her, might think she only wanted to cause trouble between him and Hafner. This might all blow up in her face and cost her the chance to avenge her sister.

  But to live with herself, Jillian had to try.

  Rising from the chair, she made her way quietly upstairs. Outside his door, she paused, wondering if she should wait until morning. Before she could lose her nerve, she knocked.

  “Who is it?” He didn’t sound sleepy, despite the late hour.

  “It’s me, Jillian. Please...could we talk?”

  The door jerked open, a faint golden light coming from the table by the bed. The silver streak at his temple seemed to glow; his eyes were wary and remote. As on the night they’d met, he wore only sweats, his broad chest filling the doorway. Her gaze fell inevitably to the jagged scar bisecting his flat belly, a vivid reminder that he’d been harmed before...and could be again.

  Lifting her gaze once more to his, she curled her fingers into fists to keep from touching him. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  A spark leapt in his eyes, quickly shuttered. His low voice rumbled inside that muscled chest. “Come in,” he said, carefully neutral. Stepping aside, he closed the door quietly behind her.

  Once inside, her gaze lit upon the bed, rumpled now as it had been when she’d left it. The press of memories choked her with their aching sweetness, her mind awash with longings. She could feel him at her back, tense and waiting, but stared instead at the rain driving against the windows, hearing the angry howl of the wind.

  He had to believe her, no matter what he chose to do. Suddenly, she couldn’t bear it if anything happened to this man with whom she’d shared so much. Theirs might be a strange intimacy formed of battles and lies, but at the base of them, she thought she agreed with him.

  Like called to like.

  Jillian turned around, hoping for the right words to convince him. Straightening her shoulders, she met his gaze.

  And saw pain, quickly masked. He remembered, too.

  Swallowing heavily, she began, barely able to keep from looking at the floor. “I know I haven’t, that is, I—I need you to believe me, even though you think I’m a liar.” Drawing a deep breath for courage, she hurried on. “You took a big chance for me today. I think you’re in danger now, and I want to help you.”

  Cullinane shook his head to clear it, her words not at all what he’d expected her to say. “What are you saying?”

  “Tonight I was on my way to the kitchen when I heard Hafner in the library. Is that phone line monitored?”

  He frowned, wondering why she asked. “No.”

  For a moment, an odd expression flickered over her face, something like relief.

  “Go on,” he urged.

  “He was...I don’t know who he was talking to, but I don’t think he trusts you anymore. I think he’s planning for something to happen to you soon. He mentioned an operation.”

  Oh, Christ. That was all he needed, for Hafner’s antennae to go on full alert. But what did he expect after the gamble he’d taken?

  “Tell me every word.”

  Her eyes cleared. “You believe me? I—I was afraid that after...”

  He knew exactly what she meant but couldn’t afford to discuss it now. “I need to hear exactly what he said.”

  “He said something about keeping a watch on you, that you were behaving oddly. Then the other person must have said something about...” She glanced at him, color staining her cheeks. “About me, because Hafner said it wasn’t only because you were...” Her color deepened, and she cleared her throat. “You were standing in the way with me.” Voice firming, she continued, “He said that he just had an odd feeling and that he trusted his instincts after all these years.

  “Then he said that maybe it was only that you wanted to take over his operation, that it was what happened when one hired capable men. He said that...” Jillian grabbed his arm, her eyes going dark and intense. “He said that he’d hate to have an unfortunate accident happen to you on the next operation but that you knew too much.”

  She stepped closer, her voice soft and low. “It’s because of what you did for me today, isn’t it? You have to believe me, Cullinane. You have to get away, before it’s too late.”

  “Will you go with me?” He was curious now.

  She averted her gaze. “I...can’t.”

  “Why not, Jillian? What’s keeping you here?” Please tell me, please give me the truth.

  Jillian retreated to his window and stared outside at the lashing rain. He wanted to go to her, to drag the truth from her, but it meant nothing unless she gave it to him of her own volition.

  For endless moments, he stood there waiting, watching the tension in her frame, knowing that he needed her help, her cooperation—but only if he could trust her. And the beginnings of that trust would be found in tearing down the wall of lies between them. She had to take the next step.

  With the courage he’d always admired in her, Jillian faced him, tossing her fiery locks as if to defy the unsteady nerves he could see in her eyes.

  “My name isn’t MacGregor; it’s Jillian Blake. I came here to kill Hafner because he murdered my sister and walked away scot-free.”

  Cullinane closed his eyes for a second as relieve and gratitude rolled through him.

  She stared at him intently. “Did you know her? Belinda Blake?”

  He shook his head. “I’ve heard her name, but she was...gone...before I came.”

  Eyes full of sorrow, she continued. “Belinda was younger than me, and we were raised...apart. Her adoptive mother Loretta was wonderful to her, and Loretta was also kind to me, treated me like her own when...” She shrugged, and the pain he could see made him ache with the urge to go to her. “That’s why it’s so hard to live with knowing that I failed Belinda. Hafner killed her, but I failed her first.”

  “Why do you think that?” He sensed he was hearing the truth behind her single-mindedness, the pain that pushed her to such an extreme
risk.

  “She was a very good girl, not like me. I tried to keep her safe, but then she got older and she...changed. I was the only one she stayed in touch with, but when I found out she was the mistress of a criminal and she was using drugs pretty heavily....” Her eyes showed no mercy to herself. “I was furious. She’d had everything—a good home, a warm bed, someone who loved her so much. I couldn’t understand why she would go back to the world I had tried to save her from. Why she would cause Loretta so much pain. I mean, I loved her, but time after time I’d bailed her out and tried not to let Loretta know what trouble she’d made. But finally, I decided...”

  Jillian’s voice broke, and then he didn’t resist any longer. He drew her into his arms, but she shrugged away, one hand held up. “No,” she said firmly, shaking her head. “I don’t deserve—I can’t accept comfort. Not after what I did.”

  But her eyes said she wanted it in the worst way. Remaining nearby, he merely nodded. “Which was what?”

  Jillian’s eyes flashed with anger and regret. “I decided it was time for tough love. I cut Belinda off, refusing to take her calls or see her after delivering an ultimatum that she leave this man she was living with in New Orleans and enter a rehab program.” Glancing up with eyes so raw they hurt his own heart, she continued. “I told her I wasn’t bailing her out again, that I didn’t want to hear from her until she was calling from a clinic.”

  Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I never heard from her again.”

  “Jillian, you can’t...”

  She held up a hand. “No, wait. There’s more.”

  Glancing out the window, she continued. “After we received the call from the parish sheriff’s office when her body had been found, I flew out here to see what I could do to find who had murdered her.

  “I sneaked a look at the file after I kept meeting wall after wall of deceit and delay. They shut me out, told me it would all be taken care of, little lady." Her voice twisted. “They patted me on the head and tried to send me home.”

  The Jillian he’d first met stared at him now, her body rigid with defiance. “I was making some headway, investigating on my own. It didn’t take me too long to find out that they knew who it was who’d done it—and had no intention of making the arrest.”

  Cullinane winced, knowing that his deep-cover operation had been underway by then. With no evidence to prosecute Hafner, the decision had been made to press forward to nail him in the much bigger arena of arms dealing and terrorism. He’d never heard, though, about a sister...or that sister’s investigation.

  Jillian looked up at him, her wounded heart in her eyes. “I ran out of time and money. I had to go back to California, and I tried to push them from there. For a long time, I kept Loretta’s hope alive that justice would be served, but finally, she couldn’t stand any more. In total despair, Loretta tried to commit suicide and almost succeeded.”

  Good Lord. And Jillian had taken everything on her slender shoulders.

  She pushed onward, her eyes dark and penetrating, willing him to understand. “I had to do something, find some way to make it right, to give Loretta a reason to live again, to put Belinda’s soul at peace.” Her voice dropped to a whisper, “To forgive myself.” Lost in thought, she stared at the floor.

  Her pain undid him, her wounded soul speaking out to his own. He had to give her hope, make her see she wasn’t alone. Moved by the gift of her truth, he decided to share his own. They were on the same side, after all, and his relief over that was boundless.

  “Jillian,” he put his hope into the speaking of her name. “Hafner will pay for what he’s done. I’m going to make sure of it.”

  Her head rose swiftly, shocked surprise in her gaze. “Because he’s after you now?”

  “Because he’s an animal, a vicious killer who’s been responsible for the deaths of hundreds, maybe thousands, all over the world.” He gripped her shoulders, relieved that he could offer her this. They didn’t have to battle anymore. He would help make things right for her, and for her sister.

  “I’m going to take him down, Jillian. I’m not what you think. We’re on the same side. I’m an FBI agent; I’ve been undercover on this case for two years. You don’t have to do this by yourself anymore. Leave Hafner to me. I promise you he’s going to pay, and soon.”

  Jillian stood stock-still, her eyes going wide with horror. “No!” She recoiled from him, burnished hair swinging wildly in denial.

  He frowned, confused. “Do you understand what I’m saying? We’re not at odds; I want him, too. I’ve spent years of my life going after him. You’re not alone anymore, Jillian. We’re going to take him down along with his whole network, then he’ll never harm anyone again.”

  “He’ll get away this time, too.”

  “No, he won’t. I’ll make sure of that.”

  Her eyes sought his in pity, as if he were the one who didn’t understand. “I can’t trust that.”

  He was surprised how much her lack of confidence hurt. “I promise you that you can.”

  “I’m sure you mean that, but I’ve seen what happens. I’ve been on the wrong side of the system enough to know how often it fails.”

  He reined in his anger. “You haven’t seen me. You don’t know how much I want him.”

  Jillian’s eyes softened slightly. “I’m sure you do, but you know yourself what happens when lawyers and juries get involved. The bad guys walk away all the time.” Her voice hardened. “And I’ve already been promised justice for my sister’s murder before. It didn’t happen.” Her gaze pleaded for him to understand. “I can’t take the chance again, Cullinane. Loretta won’t ever get better if he walks away again. I’ll lose her, and I’ll have no one.”

  You could have me. Warring impulses tore at him. He wanted to drag her close and soothe her until she relented, but anger stirred that she could doubt him. It didn’t matter what the system had done before. Hafner would pay, damn it. He couldn’t live with anything else. Digging deep for patience, he tried again.

  “It will be different this time, I promise. Nothing short of dying will stop me from taking him down.”

  Her gaze sparked. “You’re going to kill him?”

  “Not if I can help it. I want his whole network, all his terrorist buddies, all his contacts. I want to wipe his influence off the face of the earth.”

  He could feel her withdrawing, the icy façade forming again. “He has to die. Can you promise me that?”

  “I’m an officer of the law, Jillian, not a vigilante. I can’t kill him in cold blood, no matter how much I hate him. But he will be punished. Have faith in me, if not the system.” He pressed the point. “Have you ever killed anyone before?”

  “No.”

  “What makes you think you can?”

  She shook her head. It didn’t matter. She had to do this.

  “Talk to me.”

  “Talk won’t help. He has to be punished. I can’t sleep, all I do is dream about her, about Loretta. He has to die.”

  “But not at your hands. He will be punished. I promise you that. But if you kill him in cold blood, how are you different from him?”

  Jillian watched Cullinane’s jaw flex, saw the plea in his gaze as he concentrated on her. Hiroshi’s voice echoed in her mind; she thought of his disapproval, his plea for her to forget about vengeance. She was tired, so tired. She just wanted this over.

  “This isn’t who you are, Jillian.”

  “You don’t know me.”

  “But I do. Maybe not the details, but I get who you are at your core. The only one who’s going to pay, day after day, will be you. Hafner won’t feel a thing.”

  “But he’ll be dead. Belinda will leave me alone. Loretta will feel better.”

  “You think Belinda would want that? You with blood on your hands? Is that the sister she admired? And is Loretta really going to be happy to welcome a murderer back? She needs your strength, not your vengeance. You don’t need to earn Belinda’s forgiveness. You only need to earn
your own.”

  Jillian tried to picture taking the shot, the gush of blood...

  Her stomach roiled at the thought. Was he right? Was that why every time she’d been near Hafner, she’d held back? Because she was weak?

  “I’m not a coward.”

  “No, you’re not. It took guts to come into a place like this alone. But I’m asking you, Jillian—for your own sake, for the sake of what’s between us, please trust me to take care of this.”

  She grasped for a foothold in the disordered landscape of her thoughts.

  Cullinane sensed it and pushed harder. “There’s something strong between us, but love can’t thrive in a climate of hate. You’re not a hater by nature. Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t damage your soul.”

  Watching the battle go on within her, he could only wait and pray she would see reason. For endless moments, she gazed sightlessly at the storm. He had to win this battle; the stakes had never been higher. Not only his operation, but their future, was on the line.

  Failing to stop Hafner once had haunted him for years. Dead children cried out for justice. Cullinane understood exactly how she felt, but too much was at stake now. Too many lives were involved. Even if they weren’t, he couldn’t let her do this to herself. She wasn’t a cold-blooded murderer.

  When she turned back to face him, his heart sank like a stone. Written quite plainly on her face was her refusal, and the sorrow filling her eyes gave him no comfort.

  Determined to change her mind before words sealed their fate, he stepped closer. “Don’t do this to us, Jillian. What we had here last night...” He didn’t have the words.

  Words were the enemy; somehow he had to convince her not to doom them both. Pulling her close, sliding the fingers of one hand through fiery silken strands, he brought his mouth close to hers, hearing her soft sob of anguish.

  Bittersweet desperation colored his kiss. When her mouth softened beneath his, his heart surged with hope. She had to understand, had to work with him. She couldn’t do this, couldn’t condemn them to the loneliness again. Not now, not when he’d just found her. Not when there was a path to the sunlight, if only she’d believe.