Banished Love

by Ramona Flightner

  “Rissa, I’m sorry,” she whispered, hiccupping. She turned to find a handkerchief and blew her nose. I walked to her small chair and sat, pulling my legs up to my chest, hugging my knees as I had as a little girl, wanting to know what had upset her so much.

  “Rissa, I am so incredibly nervous about this wedding. I feel like I am not myself. I feel like I haven’t been acting like myself. Like I no longer know what I truly want, and I hate that. What does it mean?” Sav wailed, tears streaming from her eyes. She scrubbed her face again with her handkerchief. She began to pace the room, and I watched her fascinated. She had seemed so composed, so ready for this wedding. “I’ve treated you hor-rib-ly,” she said, her voice cracking on that last word, causing more tears to pour out.

  “Sav, don’t worry about me. We’ll always be there for each other,” I reassured her. “What are you nervous about?”

  “I’m worried he won’t show up at the church. Then I worry he will show up at the church,” she whispered. She hiccupped again. “It’s complete nonsense. What do I want? Why am I wavering so much? I should think I would know what I want by now!” she cried, hitting a pillow on her bed. She sat down with a thump, placing her head in her hands, her long strawberry-blond hair cascading around her. Her shoulders continued to shake with silent sobs.

  I leaned in toward her, placing my feet on the ground gentling tracing small circles on her back to try to soothe her. “Sav, some things in life aren’t simple, and getting married is the least simple thing of all. You are about to change your life forever, and it is smart that you are really thinking about it and acknowledging how big a change it will be. I think that is why you are feeling this panic,” I explained.

  “What would Jonas think?” she wailed, looking up to meet my gaze, twin tears tracking down her cheeks.

  “Sav, worry about yourself. Determine what you truly want. Quit worrying about him or anyone else,” I gently advised. “Besides, he seems astute enough. He is a lawyer after all. I imagine he can tell that you are nervous and anxious. No need to expound on it.”

  Savannah smiled. “Do you think I am crazy, Rissa?”

  “No, Sav, not at all. Completely normal, in fact.” I smiled. “Unfortunately there’s not much I or anyone else can do for you, Sav. This is a decision only you can make. Only you can decide what will make you happy. It doesn’t matter what I think, your parents think, the grandparents think. It really only matters what you think.”

  “Did you feel nervous before marrying Cameron?” she demanded, eyes fierce, challenging.

  “No. And see where that led me,” I murmured, feeling a deep sadness pervade me.

  Savannah watched me, then looked away, lost in thought. I stood, gathering her in a gentle hug. “It will be all right, Sav. Just decide what you really want,” I whispered. We shared a long look before I said, “I must go. I will see you tomorrow?” She nodded her assent, and I turned to leave.

  CHAPTER 30

  I ARRIVED EARLY TO SEE SAVANNAH before the prewedding soiree Uncle Martin and Aunt Matilda had organized. Sav’s door stood ajar, though I knocked lightly not wishing to intrude.

  “Come in,” called out Savannah.

  “Hi, Sav.” I hoped her recent doubts had vanished for her. Or that she had at least found clarity on the issue.

  “Rissa!” Savannah smiled as I entered, turning away from her vanity mirror. “I am so happy you came early.”

  I sat in the nearby chair and watched her pin up her hair. I studied the forced, cheerful facade reflected in her vanity mirror before turning to study her room. Typically tidy, it was cluttered with trunks and hatboxes, many of the trunks overflowing with clothes made of silk and lace. “How are you today, Sav?”

  “I feel quite well. The headache has passed.” With that comment, she sent me a telling look in the mirror. I nodded, noting the open door, and general ongoing commotion in the hallway.

  “I’m happy to hear that. You need to be healthy to fully enjoy your soiree,” I replied, trying to affect a fake French accent for soiree and failing miserably.

  Savannah laughed. “Yes, Jonas became quite worried a few evenings ago when he was unable to see me, yet he was very understanding. I am so fortunate to have found him.” She sighed, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She met my eyes, daring me to disagree.

  I smiled, hoping that her cheerful mood was more than a well-constructed false front. “Yes, Sav, you are indeed very fortunate,” I agreed, attempting to keep any irony or criticism out of my voice. “How long until you are ready to go downstairs to the parlor?”

  Sav pushed in one last pin in her upswept hair and turned to me, smiling. “Now.”

  Her gown was a frothy pink chiffon evening dress with decorative pink flowers at the left shoulder and circling the hem of the dress. She donned long white gloves that reached her elbows and highlighted her slender wrists and arms. She looked very fashionable and beautiful. Even though I wore one of my best gowns, I felt rather plain next to her in my silk burgundy-red evening dress with sheer red lace composing the sleeves from my shoulders to my elbows. I tugged nervously on my gloves, not liking the longer, more formal gloves required for this evening.

  We made our way to the formal parlor, and I realized that the guests had begun to arrive. Some of the furniture had been pushed back toward the ornate pink-and-white wallpapered walls to allow for ease of movement around the room. Maids moved discreetly through the room with trays of drinks. As I glanced at the guests, I realized most of them were family. I smiled warmly at Da’s brother, Uncle Thomas, as he raised his glass to me. “There’s Uncle Thomas,” I whispered to Savannah. “Don’t forget to speak with him. He is still mourning poor Aunt Elvira.”

  “It makes you look at trolleys in a different light, doesn’t it?” Savannah murmured as she smiled in his direction. “And, yes, I will bring Jonas to meet him as long as you remember to say hello to my grandparents.”

  “Of course, Sav,” I said, searching for Savannah’s grandparents, the Russells. Jonathan and Mary Russell appeared humble and demure, yet they had a core of steel that had allowed them to establish one of the best linen stores in the city.

  “Where are Jonas’s people?” I whispered.

  “They are waiting for the grandparents’ party on the Hill in a few days,” Savannah said as she approached a group of Uncle Martin’s friends and work associates.

  “Estimably sensible on their part, don’t you agree, Cousin Clarissa?” Jonas said as he sidled up to take hold of Savannah’s arm. He wore an impeccably tailored black suit, black waistcoat and white tie, and his blond hair was perfectly styled. “I would hate for them to have to meet people who are so, well…” He broke off his sentence as he looked around the room, expressing his displeasure at the company with a raised eyebrow and mock-chagrin smile.

  “I wouldn’t know, Mr. Montgomery, as most people here are either my family or friends,” I replied.

  “Count yourself fortunate to be among good society soon,” Jonas said on a murmur as he maneuvered Savannah away.

  I glared at his retreating back.

  I stood to one side of the parlor, sipping a glass of punch. Savannah stood at Jonas’s side, talking with family members, slowly moving from group to group. I enjoyed watching her take the lead for once, introducing him to the guests he did not yet know. He appeared more aloof and distant than ever before, rarely deigning to speak with anyone, merely nodding and smiling. I watched Patrick and Colin speaking and joking with Lucas, yet I did not want to interrupt. I sighed, settling into my role as a spectator.

  “A penny for your thoughts,” a deep baritone voice intoned in my ear.

  I started, spilling a few drops of punch on my dress. “A penny? I thought they’d be worth more to you?” I asked, elation filling me at hearing his voice. “When did you arrive?” I reached out impulsively to grip his arm for a moment before flushing and releasing it.

  “Just now. Colin invited me.” Gabriel stood tall, towering over me.
His ebony hair, free of pomade, was recently trimmed. Gabriel nodded toward Colin. Mischief and laughter glinted in his blue eyes. “I had hoped for an invitation from you.”

  My gaze met Colin’s, finding him studying us. Richard had joined his small group and was being reintroduced to Lucas.

  I glanced up at Gabriel. “Aunt Betsy was to speak with Uncle Martin about inviting you,” I murmured. “And if that failed, she was to send me a note so I could invite you.”

  “And did you hear from her?” he asked, gazing into my eyes.

  “No, I thought you were invited. Hoped you were invited,” I whispered.

  “Hmm…” he said, lost in thought, turning to study the crowd. “What concerns you, Miss Sullivan?”

  My gaze stole toward his for a moment, my heart sinking at him calling me Miss Sullivan again. I had become accustomed to Miss Clarissa or Clarissa. “It seems a rather public venue to meet the family for the first time,” I replied, watching the room again.

  “Well, I am glad Colin invited me. I’m working for your uncle Martin. I thought I should pay my respects to him as his daughter is marrying. It didn’t feel right turning down an invitation.”

  “Oh,” I responded.

  “And I wanted to see you again,” he said so softly that I thought I had imagined the words.

  As I turned to look at him, I read the truth in his eyes. I blushed, contained my smile and looked away. However, I could not hide the flash of pleasure and glow of contentment from my eyes. I reached my hand out toward his, and the tips of our fingers met for a moment. “Did Richard mind coming along?” I asked.

  “No, he didn’t mind. He enjoys seeing Colin.” He nodded toward their small circle, smiling as he watched Richard. “And I think he enjoys annoying that cousin of yours.”

  “How long have they known each other?”

  “Years now. I’m not really sure. Time seems to run together after a while.”

  I glanced at him quickly, noting that he was scanning the room, studying the different groups of people.

  “Miss Russell looks well,” he said.

  I searched the room for Savannah, and saw her with Jonas and Da. “Yes, she is. She’s speaking with my da and her fiancé, Jonas Montgomery.”

  “Your da has been a very astute businessman,” Gabriel commented as he studied them.

  I shrugged.

  “Does my presence make you uncomfortable, Clarissa?” Gabriel asked.

  “No, not at all,” I said. “Well, yes, it does, but I like your company.” I felt foolish as he chuckled.

  “Her Jonas seems an important man,” Gabriel said, as he continued to study him.

  “Well, at least he thinks he is. He’s a lawyer.”

  Gabriel looked at me, raising one eyebrow with amusement. “A subtle, yet important distinction,” Gabriel murmured.

  A breathless Aunt Betsy approached, more stooped than usual and leaning heavily on her cane. Her arrival took me by surprise, as I had not heard her cane.

  “Clarissa, dear, I haven’t seen you all evening. Why are you hiding in the corner?” she chided. She wore her most fashionable gown of ivory silk chiffon with ivory silk lace netting over the silk skirts. Black lace appliqués were sewn on under the silk lace net around the hem and bodice of the dress. Her black elbow-length gloves matched the flowing black belt at her corseted waist.

  I moved toward her and kissed her cheek. “Aunt Betsy, I’m not hiding. This is the best place to watch everyone.” I smiled and turned to Gabriel. “Aunt Betsy, may I introduce Mr. Gabriel McLeod. He worked for Uncle Martin to build the new display, and he is building me new bookcases for the school.” I turned to Gabriel. “Mr. McLeod, my Aunt Betsy, Mrs. Tobias Parker.”

  Gabriel bowed toward Aunt Betsy. “I am honored to meet you, ma’am,” he said, a smile playing around his mouth.

  “And I you, Mr. McLeod. You do beautiful carpentry work for someone so young.” She smiled at me and then turned back toward Gabriel. “I was hoping that this would be one event where my beautiful niece would not spend the evening skulking in the shadows. She seems to prefer living on the periphery these days, Mr. McLeod. Have you noticed that?”

  “Aunt…” I began, but Aunt Betsy interrupted me.

  “I had hoped there would be someone here willing to take a turn about the room with her,” Aunt Betsy continued, as though to no one in particular.

  “I believe that the choice of whether to remain in the shadows or to enter the light again is a decision only Miss Clarissa can make. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Parker?” Gabriel replied.

  “Well said, young man. I just hope she makes the correct decision,” Aunt Betsy replied. “Oh, there is Sean. I must speak with him and offer my congratulations to him and Mrs. Sullivan. I’m told the baby will be born in November.” Aunt Betsy departed as abruptly as she had arrived, her movements heralded by the thumping of her cane.

  We remained in silence a few moments.

  “Which would you prefer, Miss Clarissa?”

  “The light,” I responded, looking up toward him with glowing eyes.

  He smiled fully at me, flashing his dimple, offering me his elbow. “Let’s speak with Richard and Colin. They are a friendly pair to start with.” I nodded my agreement.

  We walked around the room, from group to group, interacting with everyone. I had not realized how much I had missed listening to the stories, hearing the family news firsthand rather than at the breakfast or dinner table.

  When we approached Colin’s group, Lucas had already moved away to speak with Uncle Thomas. I had hoped Lucas would speak with Gabriel and that Lucas would be able to ease the animosity he felt toward Gabriel. After a few moments with our brothers, I led Gabriel to meet Da.

  “Da, Mrs. Sm…Sullivan, may I introduce you to Mr. Gabriel McLeod?” As I said the name McLeod, Mrs. Smythe nearly choked on her water. I watched her, daring her to be rude to a guest at my uncle Martin’s house. “He is the man injured in the accident here a few months ago. He built the display in Uncle’s store. Mr. McLeod, Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan.”

  Gabriel and Da shook hands, and then Gabriel bowed toward Mrs. Sullivan. But when he spoke, he talked with Da. “My brother knows Colin well, sir.”

  “Yes, Richard, isn’t it?” Da responded. With a quick nod from Gabriel, he continued. “Richard was very courteous to my Clarissa recently. We owe him our thanks. He’s also a very fine blacksmith.”

  “Yes, sir, I believe he is. Mr. Harris seems to think so,” Gabriel responded with a pleased smile and pride-tinged voice.

  Mrs. Sullivan leaned closer to my father, before inquiring in her sugary voice, “How is your dear aunt Masterson? I do count her as such a close, personal friend and confidante.”

  Gabriel’s arm jerked under my hand as I felt him tense. “I am sure you know more of my aunt than I do, ma’am,” he replied in a flat voice.

  “Oh, how she worries about you boys!” She turned to my da, simpering, “Their aunt took them in when their parents died in an unfortunate accident years ago and raised them as her own. Wasn’t that a Christian act?” She touched a lace handkerchief to her left eye as though blotting a sympathetic tear.

  Gabriel continued to watch her, with blue ice-chip eyes. “I don’t believe religion had much to do with it, ma’am. If you will excuse me?” He bowed and turned to leave.

  I thought Gabriel’s tension would ease as we distanced ourselves from Mrs. Smythe, but he continued to breathe heavily and stare straight ahead. Soon we had returned to the corner of the room where the night had begun.

  “Gabriel,” I began. He shook his head, indicating he did not want me to speak. I remained silent and continued to hold his arm, attempting to impart what comfort I could.

  Richard made his way toward us. I watched as he jovially maneuvered from group to group, smiling, laughing, yet never lingering. Within a few minutes, he stood on the other side of Gabriel. He continued to smile, outwardly acting as though all was well. However, when he spoke, his v
oice held a low sense of urgency. “What’s the matter, Gabe?”

  “That woman brought up Aunt Masterson,” Gabriel bit out, anger lacing his words.

  “Ah, yes, the beloved stepmama, isn’t that correct, Miss Sullivan?” Richard teased. “I remember being shocked by her having tea with the vicious old bat a few weeks ago.”

  Gabriel let out a sigh, and I could feel him relaxing. “She said Aunt Masterson took us in and raised us as her own,” he nearly growled in a low voice.

  “Her own servants, perhaps,” Richard murmured. “Gabe, you’ve got to let it go. She’s the past, look to the future.” He and Gabriel shared an intense look. “You can’t keep letting the likes of her and Henry rile you.”

  “Have you had any word from Jeremy?” I asked.

  “Jeremy is in the army,” Richard said.

  I nodded, expressing I already knew that information.

  “We worry about his welfare and hope that he comes home soon, healthy and sound.”

  “But no news,” Gabriel said in a soft voice.

  “What will he do when he comes home?” I asked, thinking that they both had good professions by trade.

  They looked at me confused and then shared a smile. Gabriel said, “Whatever he wants. He’s earned it.”

  “What is he like?” I asked.

  “A bit of a hellion, actually,” replied Richard. “You can’t deny that, Gabe!” Richard said with a laugh. “He was always getting into trouble. I wonder if the army has tamed him at all. Anyway, tall like us but with even darker hair and more greenish eyes. Not as much of a brooder as Gabe, more outgoing. Livelier. The best of us all, wouldn’t you say, Gabe?”

  “Hmm, definitely. The most like Da.” Again Gabriel sounded wistful, but now there was a small smile playing around his mouth.