Man of RuinEpisode One_Extra Special Pre-Release Edition

by Oliver Franks

  I put in one last burst of energy into finding the exit. The trouble was, there were plenty of signs pointing towards ‘EXIT’, only it never seemed to materialize. I ran past a tuck shop I had already run past before. Next, the same little room with plant pots and sofas. It was all just corridors and closed doors and not even a window in sight. I was lost, going in circles. I could feel the wee almost ready to seep right out of me.

  Sod it, I thought.

  A terrible way to make a decision, I know, but the truth is, by this point, the decision was out of my hands.

  So when I saw the toilet up ahead for the second time, I ran straight for it. I opened the door without even a furtive glance left and right to see who was nearby. It didn’t matter, whatever would be, would be. It would be shocking, it would be shit, but at least it would be… a relief.

  Chapter 4

  It was a single cubicle with a string pull light and all kinds of helpful plastic handles around the seat for sick and disabled people to grab a hold of. I pulled up the seat and prayed with that silliest of voices inside me that believes miracles can happen. I prayed that whatever was happening to me, it had happened, past tense, and my wee would be normal now. Just normal, smelly, yellow, pee.

  It wasn’t to be. The water fizzed and let off a whispy yellow smoke as soon as my urine made impact. I groaned and watched as it sheared down through the water and cut into the bowl beneath, cracking right there before my eyes. I kept pissing and my wee continued its relentless journey down, cutting through anything that got in its way. The water from the toilet flooded all out over the floor and the toilet itself then crashed to the floor in pieces with a loud thud.

  I kept on peeing. I had to. Now I was afforded a sight of the innards of the floor below, the dusty stuff they pack between floors. My wee simply melted and smoked it all away into nothing until I was looking down onto the room directly underneath, another toilet, thankfully empty at that moment.

  Finally and gladly finished, I stood back carefully, worrying the whole floor might cave under me if I wasn’t. There was banging at my door now too. I guess the noise of the crashing floorboards and the water seeping out everywhere had caught someone’s attention. I had to leave, one way or another. I washed my hands in the sink, feeling a strange sense of calm.

  The banging continued.

  “Hey!” someone shouted. “Are you OK?!”

  I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed.

  “What the hell!” I now heard someone shout from below, their voice carrying up through the messy hole I had created.

  I glanced down to see someone looking up at me, a man dressed in black overalls and scowling at me with an unshaven, haggard face. One of the cleaners I guessed, a poor sod who had a bit of a job on his hands.

  Now I really had to leave. I stepped back, my trainers dripping wet. I prepared myself. There was only way I could get out of this intact.

  I took a deep breath, opened the door and ran straight through.

  *****

  There were several people stood in the hallway outside. As I expected, I caught them completely off guard with the suddenness and speed of my exit. I ran right through them, knocking into one as I did.

  “Oy!” someone shouted as I legged it down the corridor.

  I didn’t look back.

  Round the corner I passed the lifts again as I ran. This time I got lucky, one of them was opening at just that moment. A bunch of sad looking people stepped out and I rushed in. Another oldish woman who had been waiting for it got in with me.

  “You alright dear?” she said, sounding genuinely concerned.

  “I can’t find my way out,” I said. “And my bus leaves in five minutes…”

  As you can see, I had my wits about me. Not desperately needing to empty your bladder really does improve ones state of mind.

  “Oh I know,” she said. “This place can be very confusing. Just push for level 1B and you’ll be straight in the car park.”

  “Thanks!” I said, pushing 1B.

  “That’s alright,” she said.

  It was only a momentary ride down to 1B. She noticed the wetness of my jeans and shoes and I could see was about to say something when the door opened.

  “See you!” I said, running as fast as I could out into the car-park.

  *****

  I ran to the bus stop and waited anxiously for one to pop along, not even daring to think really, just wanting to get away from the hospital. I hardly had a plan for the morning, let alone the rest of the day or, indeed, my life in general now. I dared not look back, fearing a bunch of angry hospital staff in hot pursuit.

  I was very relieved when a bus arrived only moments later. I got on it, heading to the High Street.

  I sat up top and front and watched the suburbs roll past, trying to just chill out.

  So Dave, now what? I tried to think about what my options actually were.

  Then my phone rang. Christ, I thought, looking at it with a groan. It was James again.

  Reluctantly, I answered.

  “Hi James…”

  “How’s he doing?” came the gruff question.

  “Yeah, he’s alright.”

  “What’s the prognosis?”

  “They’re not sure yet, they have to run tests.”

  “Right. Doesn’t sound like he’ll be out any time soon.”

  “No,” I agreed. “Looks like he might have hit his head when he fell.”

  “Shit.”

  “I know—”

  “And it’s all your fault of course,” he said, catching me off guard with a half joke delivered in a harsh tone.

  There was an awkward silence.

  “Me?”

  “Tell me what happened.”

  “Look mate, it was an accident.”

  “Yeah but it’s still your fault. Remember, I know.”

  He was laughing now, the bastard. It was very funny to him, the whole situation, yet still he managed to be all pushy. I sighed. There was no point in denying anything. On the other hand, I didn’t want to grant him the satisfaction.

  “Can I speak to him?” said James.

  “Speak to him?”

  “Yeah, the twat’s not answering his phone. I guess he’s got a good excuse. Go on, put him on would you.”

  “I can’t.”

  “What? Why not?”

  “Er…” I hesitated, always a mistake when dealing with James.

  “You’re not with him.”

  “No,” I sighed again. “I had to leave.”

  “You left him there all on his own?”

  “I had to!”

  “Why?”

  I was fairly sure he knew now and was just winding me up, wanting to pry out every last detail as he always did.

  I took a deep breath and croaked the words. “I needed to pee.”

  “Needed to—” he said, then cut himself off with the most raucous, horrible laughter I think I’ve ever heard.

  I didn’t like James, I admitted this fully to myself in that moment. We were more friends by association. Yeah, sometimes we had a laugh I suppose, but usually it was not directly between us, there would be others around all sitting in the pub getting pissed up and joking about football or something. Put us in a room just me and him and things became awkward.

  “You think it’s funny?” I said, while he was still laughing.

  “Yeah. It is,” he said, finally calming down. “Right Davey. You have to come meet me. Now.”

  “Why?”

  “What do you mean why? Why the hell not? You got somewhere better to be? Like, the hospital maybe?”

  “Hang on a minute—”

  “Just come and meet me, alright. We need to talk. Meet me at the park cafe round my way, alright?”

  Ugh. I felt sick thinking what kind of shit he was going to pull on me. Sod him, I didn’t want to see him, yet the way he was talking only reminded me how poorly I really knew him. He was unpredictable. So perhaps I should do what he said, pla
y his game, at least for now. God knows what he might do otherwise. It was stupid to assume that things couldn’t get worse, that would be based on nothing but dumb hope. The facts said otherwise. Granted, perhaps meeting him would make it worse too. I just didn’t have a clue.

  “Davey?”

  “Yes alright, see you in 20 minutes.”

  I took the pleasure of putting the phone down on him. What with the day I was having, I needed to take all the little pleasures I could get.

  *****

  James was sat at a table out in front of the cafe in Hope Park, in his black puffa jacket and in that sprawled way he always did, the chair on its hinges, his legs out straight, slouched, looking at something on his phone with what always looked to me like a sadistic grin. He hadn’t seen me from across the field. I watched him swipe left and right and continue with his grinning, then he reached for his can of coke. As he lifted it he saw me approaching. His grin turned to something else, recognition, a nasty kind. He nodded and I gave him a little wave without smiling.

  “Alright James,” I said, taking a seat.

  He looked at me with wonder, though there was a hint of the usual mockery in his eyes.

  “Davey,” he said. “Well well well…”

  I laughed for a split second, out of the back of my throat.

  “Want a drink?” he said.

  “No thanks,” I said. Was he trying to wind me up? “Better not. Don’t want any more… accidents.”

  “Had another one did you?” He laughed.

  I shot him a look.

  “You did didn’t you!”

  I shook my head and simply looked elsewhere. Across the park, at the sky, at the birds and the clouds.

  “What?” he continued mercilessly. “The hospital?”

  I could be crap sometimes. This was one such time. I kept looking into space. I had thought by not answering that would someone work as a denial, or at least throw him off.

  “Oh my God Davey you do have a problem don’t you!”

  “Piss off would you.”

  He was in hysterics now.

  “What happened? You didn’t cause any major damage I hope? That’s my tax payers money you’re wasting there.”

  Having had enough, I shook my head and made to get up.

  “Oh don’t be like that,” he said, sitting straight now. “Come on sit down. I’m only messing with you.”

  I sat down, slumped, looked out over the field, the kids all playing footy, enjoying their Saturday mornings kicked out of bed by tyrannical fathers.

  “Good,” he said. “But I am getting you a drink. I nice big one. No arguments. This is James you’re talking to remember.”

  He stood up, put a hand on my shoulder, as if to keep me in my seat, and trotted off to the cafe.

  The bastard. I could have left. Should have left. But I didn’t. I just felt as if the universe was shitting on me, it had some kind of horrible plan for me. And at this point in time I had no answers, no strategy, nothing I could think of to do in response. Not even just to get up and get away from bloody James. Plus I was thirsty again. The bastard.

  “What do you want James?” I asked him after I’d taken my first sip of the Dr Peppers bottle he put in front of me.

  I put it down and realised it was one of those little round coffee tables that never balanced properly, always tottering with the least pressure or weight, wobbling and spilling your drink if you so much as placed a finger on it.

  He sat down and just grinned at me in that sickening way of his.

  “First things first, I want to see you in action.”

  “In action? You make it sound like I’m some kind of machine.”

  “Well…” he raised an eyebrow.

  “You already saw. Last night.”

  “Yeah but we were all pissed up. You know when I woke up this morning I thought it had all been a dream. But nothing like it could so crazy and so… vivid. I just kept replaying it my mind. It wouldn’t go away.”

  “Tell me about it…” I muttered.

  “But still I want to see again. Sober. Just to make sure I’ve got it right.”

  I sighed.

  “I don’t need to go right now,” I said.

  He laughed.

  “You will do soon. Come on, drink up. There’s a good little spot I’ve got in mind, just up there on the hill, a clearing in the trees.”

  Jesus, he really had been thinking things through. Not another bloody spot with trees. He was right, though, I would need to pee again soon. And the park was as good a place as any. There was no getting away from him just yet. He’d stick to me like a dog.

  *****

  So I decided that the best thing would be just to get it over with as soon as possible. The sooner he got what he wanted, the sooner I could ditch him. It was approaching late morning, so I was hungry too. I ordered a burger, some crisps and a big Mars bar. I scoffed it all and drank down the Dr. Peppers.

  Feeling better for eating, it was as if the whole thing had been timed to perfection. As soon as I finished the last bite I was primed and ready for my next urination.

  “Come on then James,” I said with a sigh, standing up.

  He looked up from his phone. “You ready?” he said, far too excited about the whole thing.

  “Yes I’m bloody ready, now are you coming or not?”

  I marched in the direction he had indicated. I could hear him scrambling to catch up.

  *****

  Up on the hill there was what I can only describe as a clump of trees disguised as a small wood. From elsewhere it gave the impression of being larger than it actually was, due to the way the trees were lined in rows. But once you got anywhere near it you saw it for what it was - a small collection of trees designed to give the park the impression of being a proper, country style park, which it most definitely wasn’t, situated right in the centre of Crawley as it was. I suppose they didn’t name it ‘Hope Park’ for nothing.

  Within this ‘wood’ there was a small clearing housing a large trunk which lay in the horizontal. When we got closer to it I saw that someone had sculpted the exposed, sandy coloured end into a series of detailed, gargoyle type faces wearing various expressions of joy, happiness and laughter.

  “Right Davey,” said James, “let’s see you get your piss all over that then.”

  “What?”

  “Go on, I want to see what happens. If I saw what I think I saw last night, then all those smiles will soon turn to frowns.”

  I was genuinely worried about James.

  “They won’t just turn to frowns…” I muttered.

  “Well go on then, what are you waiting for. I thought you were bursting?”

  I scratched my forehead and looked around, determined not to ruin someone’s beautiful artwork on purpose.

  “Look James, I’m not a flipping vandal alright. So far any damage caused has been purely accidental.”

  “Davey! Don’t be such a boring twat!”

  “Nope,” I said. “I’ve got a better idea though.”

  I had spotted the shine of water on the other side of the clump of trees. Ignoring James (and enjoying having this power over him) I strode over to it. It was a smallish pond, ten metres wide at best, and it was perfect, obscured by surrounding trees, even if they didn’t have any strength in numbers. Plus there was no one around at the moment. I unzipped.

  “Pissing into a pond’s not gonna show me anything!” whined James. He obviously had not been there this morning to see the toilet water pop and fizz. There was nothing normal about that!

  So I peed into that pond and low and behold, James was mighty impressed.

  “Jesus Christ, Davey!”

  He put a hand on his forehead like he was witnessing a miracle.

  As the pee hit the water there was an immediate and very strong and distinctive sound. More than a fizz, there was a whistle to it this time, like the sound a kettle makes when it’s boiling. Perhaps, I surmised, because of the sheer volume of water.
But there was obviously something different about this water too, because this pond infused smoke had an eerie green swampy tinge to it, in addition to the usual whispy yellowness. Both of us caught a whiff of this and immediately started retching at the foul stench of it, like how I imagine the smell of putrid dog food or a Bolognese that’s been sitting in the sun for days. The greenish-whitish smoke rose thickly, obscuring everything that stood behind it, and James and I were pleased when I finished what turned out to be a fairly longish pee-sesh.