‘That’s a very pessimistic view of things. I don’t accept it.’
‘Have people always talked to you about how great you look or how perfect your hair is all the time? Has anyone ever written you off as one of those too-much-makeup or airhead type of girls?’
‘If they have, I haven’t noticed or I don’t care. That’s their reductionist view.’
‘Isn’t your motto self-expression through fashion for every Delhi girl ? Pretty big thing, self-expression. Did anyone ever discuss that with you or has any interviewer ever asked you about fashion as an art form or even what direction your blog was going to take in the next few years?’
‘Umm...’
‘Sorry to break it to you, dear. Ageism. You’ll face sexism.
Prejudice if you’re married young, if you’re not married young.
If you’re a mother, if you’re not a mother.’
‘That sounds like a difficult life.’
‘You learn to deal with it. You’ve been dealing with it ever since you were a child, Aisha. You’re just tasting it now. And life goes on. How do you feel this week?’
‘Stronger. But I look like crap. When I felt like crap, I looked amazing.’
Maya laughed. ‘Take the good with the bad. That’s the only way this is gonna work. Now, for the moment of truth.’ She pointed to her weighing scale. I got on. It touched fifty-six.
‘Aw man, this sucks. I don’t want the bad, only the good,’ I said. ‘How much more do I have to put on before I can start losing it?’
‘You know what, come back from your work trip and you can start gymming. I’ll give you a new diet and you can tone up what you don’t like. Working out won’t necessarily help you drop the kilos, but it will make you fit and will take commitment.’
‘I don’t care. As long as I look amazing.’
‘This is for you.’
‘A notebook?’
‘A diary. I give it to my clients to write down what they eat.’
‘I’ll just send you a picture.’
‘Actually, it may help you to write down how you feel. You’re trying too hard to define yourself instead of letting it happen.
You’re smarter than that. Remember, people will always find flaws. No one really cares that much, no matter how much hate
they spout on social media, Aisha, and that’s a good thing. They do go back to their own lives eventually and so should you.’
‘Social media is my life.’
‘My point exactly. You are more than just a social media mastermind.’
Sunday, 7 July
What’s on your mind?
Out with my girl and publishing visionary @Ruhi Singh people-spotting and coffee-drinking at @DLFPromenade Delhi. Come say hi!
‘Hazelnut cappuccino?’ The barista asked. I was at one of my favourite coffee shops, Mocha Arthouse, at the DLF Promenade Mall in south Delhi.
‘With skimmed milk. And that cookie, please.’
I was waiting for Ruhi. We had a shopping date to buy formals for the Mountain Echoes litfest and finish my blog’s makeover segment. I’d driven straight here after meeting Maya. Ruhi wasn’t having the best day either and sounded like she was having one of her anxiety attacks, and this one was related to Farah mentioning she should dress like an adult for the litfest in Bhutan. Farah had a wicked sense of humour, but most of the time Ruhi was too emotionally raw from pleasing her to catch on. I’d been to Mocha before with boyfriends. Malls, for me, were the happiest places in the world, and I could do with some cheering up too.
I’ve always wanted to take those vertical coffee shots and I told the barista handling the froth to make a swirly ‘A’ on top. I had a while to kill so I walked around looking at Steve Madden and Zara with my coffee.
I mulled over my meeting with Maya. We were living in a world of specialisations. Hers was nutrition. Mine was social media. That was my universe. How was I more than that? Did she not understand how it all worked? How had she made it, by fluke?
As if the universe was responding, I noticed a group of schoolgirls, looking over at me and pointing. I swear, the skinniest and tallest of the lot had hair exactly like mine, right down to the balayage highlights.
‘Hi.’ I flashed them my signature smile. They followed the tall girl to my table.
‘OMG. You’re totally my idol,’ she said, obviously the leader.
Did I sound like that?
‘Can we get a selfie?’
‘Of course.’ I took out my phone, and each of them insisted on using her own as well.
‘Will you follow our blog?’ the second one quipped. She was wearing four-inch heels. Even I wouldn’t dream of wearing those to a mall.
‘Sure, what’s it called?’
‘ Every South Delhi Girl . The three of us run it together,’ the third said. She was carrying an oversized LV bag like mine, but she looked like she could fit inside hers.
‘Shut up! That is so cool.’ They nodded. I spotted Ruhi waiting, looking at the four of us, hesitant to approach.
‘Look, it was awesome meeting you guys, but I have to go now.’ I gestured at Ruhi.
‘Who’s that, your colleague?’ the third girl said.
‘That’s Ruhi, my friend. She’s the managing editor at Litracy, you know, Farah Singh’s daughter.’
That didn’t make an impact on the girls, though I know it did on Ruhi. She was silent all the way to Smokehouse, the restaurant we were lunching at.
‘Unoriginal of them, Every South Delhi Girl . But still. Gotta love the enthusiasm. Don’t you think so Ruhi?’
She didn’t say anything.
‘You know, I’ve started to blog about eating out and publicising places. Food blogging is big, you know.’
‘Hmm...’ Ruhi silently listened to my prattling all the way up on the escalator till we reached the restaurant.
‘Table for two,’ I told the waiter. He led us to a table by the window. Ruhi looked minuscule sitting in her chair, her shoulders falling forward. It was as if the incident had shrunk her.
‘Ruhi.’
‘Yes,’ she said, fiddling with her watch. ‘Tejas is not a bachelor. Why’d you have to promote him like that? You know—’
‘I know, Ruhi, but your mom pushed for that idea. It is a good way to pitch him, it would be odd not to use it. So many of his fans are women. It’s about sales, nothing else. Just tell Farah.
You’re an adult. If this affects you, it’s only ’coz you know
you’re worth more. And it’s not like Farah doesn’t know what a hard worker you are. You’re the one who doesn’t own it.’
The waiter brought us the menus.
‘I will have the smoked chicken salad and the grilled salmon followed by the cheesecake. Bring the first and second courses together please. I’m a little hungry.’
‘I’ll go for the caesar salad,’ Ruhi said.
‘Any main course or dessert for you, ma’am?’ The waiter asked her.
‘No, thank you,’ Ruhi said.
‘Try something fun, why don’t you. A pasta? What do you recommend?’
‘We recommend the wild mushroom fettuccine if you’re vegetarian, and the chicken risotto in non-vegetarian.’
‘The vegetarian, please,’ Ruhi said.
‘Any drinks, ma’am?’
‘I’ll have the smoked cosmo.’
‘Same for me,’ Ruhi said and we handed our menus back to the waiter.
‘I can’t think right now – a little rattled,’ Ruhi said.
‘I can see that.’
‘It’s also to do with responsibility. I don’t get any. You know what I need? I need to be on the JLF core team. Then she’ll take me seriously.’
‘I’m all for you moving up the corporate ladder. But JLF is six months away. Why is that important to you? You have a lot to do on a daily basis and you do a phenomenal job and none of this has anything to do with you being honest with your mother.’
‘I’ll get a lot of responsibility
and the ability to show everyone what I’m capable of. If I get on it, I’ll be handling all the authors and possibly be on a panel. Everybody would know me. Farah would not be involved much. I’ll directly report to the Festival Director—’
‘Ruhi, we all act like Farah’s a she-devil, no offence. I know I do,’ I said. ‘It helps to bond in the office. Don’t tell me you don’t know this. At the end of the day she has to answer for a lot of things, everything you and I do actually. She’s not out to get anyone, and it’s not like you assert yourself anyway, Ruhi.’
‘That’s why I want to let my work do the talking.’
‘Too much work makes Ruhi a dull girl.’
‘Let’s talk about something else,’ she said.
When the food arrived, I asked the waiter to click a picture of us with our meal. I use the tag #Delhicious for myself, and now more appropriately, for food posts. Ruhi gave me half her pasta.
‘By the way, you could report that comment,’ Ruhi said.
‘What comment? There are so many these days.’
‘That guy who said: “Does this mean you’re more fun to ride now”?
That’s sexual harrassment.’
‘I’m not reporting anything. It’s the big bad world of the internet,’ Aisha said. ‘I’m letting it go. I don’t care what hotmale-underscore-sixty-nine thinks of me.’
‘I admire your tact.’
‘You know everyone has confidence issues, including me.’
‘I find that hard to believe,’ Ruhi said.
‘It’s true.’
I didn’t mention I’d been avoiding shopping alone for weeks.
‘You have to try this,’ I said between mouthfuls of the cheesecake. ‘Mouthgasm.’
Ruhi dug into the dessert with a vengeance, the first sign of enthusiasm I’d seen all day. Enough play.
‘So ... I was speaking with Tejas the other day. He thinks you need to chill out.’
‘What can I say? Got a publishing house to run.’
‘I think you need boundaries. You can’t be as invested as you are in a job or a relationship, Ruhi, your life revolves around things. A dozen authors, that’s it. And an acquisition a month.
I’m handling all online media. You need some time for yourself.
Like, live a little. It’s gonna help your relationship with your mom too.’
‘I can’t, okay. It’s not me.’
She was beginning to clamp up. I would have to try a different approach. I let her finish my cheesecake and we walked out of the restaurant, back into the mall and entered Forever 21.
Ruhi was to be the star of a makeover segment I was planning for Every Delhi Girl . I’d made myself responsible for unearthing her personal style, something she could carry forward, while wowing my subscribers.
She disappeared into the clothes racks, moving camouflaged behind the ankle-length dresses.
Ruhi was like a tiny, wild animal in a jungle. Having selected five pieces of clothing, she stuck to them, come what may, and walked straight to the dressing room. She was not like most people, myself included, who would grab one thing here, another there and try on clothes, like personalities, in the changing rooms, dressing and undressing, having personality makeovers at will. Shopping with her was, I hate to say it, like work –
something to tick off her to-do list.
I left her and adopted a zen-like approach for a while, and began browsing. A simple peacock-blue dress would do for me, and I picked a size six. Once a size zero, I did not look forward to undressing my skinny ‘personality’ in the dressing room and confronting a big girl. The lingerie, however, I was keen to try, and I headed towards that section.
There I spotted Ruhi, looking at a black lacy low-cut blouse, something she’d never be able to buy with Farah. She was just staring. Not holding it, or looking for her size or feeling the material. Just staring.
I had a feeling Ruhi had to be nudged into this next phase of her relationship.
‘Hey,’ I said. ‘Try it, let’s have some fun.’
6
In My Feelings
– RUHI –
Sunday, 7 July
To Do – 1st Half
Shopping:
Work outfits
Lingerie
To Do – 2nd Half :
Work
Check email
Finish slush pile of manuscripts Trend research & catch up on other publisher’s news
‘That’s more your style,’ I said, before regretting it immediately, looking at an extremely sexy black blouse that I could never pull off. Aisha’s waistline had expanded in the last two months. I didn’t want to bring attention to it. Not today.
After all, she was spending the day with me. I’d never had such days growing up. My mother would pick out everything for me, in her words: leaving me to do more important things with my time.
Aisha swivelled towards me, a purple sheer blouse in her hand.
‘With your frame and skin tone, you could totally bewitch every day with zero effort. If only you had the temperament.’
‘I do. I love my pinks and yellows. My style is very Betty Cooper.’
‘Then why are you wearing so much black?’
‘I don’t know. No time. Late night work.’
‘Late night work or texting?’
I ignored that. ‘Tejas likes me no matter what I wear.’
‘I don’t wanna give you another lecture today, but you have to start dressing better and for yourself . You can do better than wear the same three faded black things to work every week. Isn’t that why Farah sent you out shopping in the first place?’
‘Mark Zuckerbeg. Steve Jobs. A lot of smart people wear the same things every day.’
‘Okay then buy five new black t-shirts and wear them everyday. I swear I’ve seen holes in your clothes and not the fashionable kind.’
Aisha was right, I could dress a little more professionally. The changing room was small, with mirrors on three sides and a curtain for privacy.
In my sports bra, nothing would entice any man. It made me feel like a teenage girl. The thought of Tejas seeing me like that freaked me out. I knew that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon, but I couldn’t imagine it happening anytime at all.
‘Oh God, what are you, twelve?’ Aisha said, bursting into the dressing room I was using, holding at least a dozen hangers.
‘Hey, you can wait outside.’
‘I can see even more of you now,’ Aisha said grinning into the mirror.
‘Out!’
‘Okay okay, dear prudence, I’ll wait outside. Just let me try this on,’ she pulled off her blouse and began buttoning up the purple blouse.
‘Whoa.’ I was looking at Aisha’s chest.
‘Yeah, I know, perks of putting on weight.’ Aisha said twisting and seeing the shirt on herself in the mirrors. ‘You can get the same effect with a push-up bra. Wanna try? You’ll be surprised,’
she said, sliding back into her clothes.
‘Just wait outside,’ I said, picking a hot-pink dress.
‘I’m going to be ready with my phone.’
Sixty minutes. I felt like I was being given a Hollywood-style makeover. Aisha was taking photographs of me to post in the
‘after’ section of her blog. We’d already shot ‘before’ at work.
‘When is it going to be online?’
‘Tomorrow.’
‘Yikes.’
‘It’s gonna be great! Now start stripping.’
Aisha kept bringing me more clothes till I told her I was going to run out of money and patience.
When we finished, I was wearing a bright fuchsia blouse and a cream blazer and had three more bags of shopping. It wasn’t hard to appreciate the neat cuts and clothes without virtually any creases. I definitely looked like an editor, or at least a professional.
‘What now?’
‘Lingerie time.’
I was quiet till we reached the innerwear section.
I wa
s only now beginning to realise the enormity of the situation. I was an adult yet I felt like a kid trapped in a woman’s body. Not that my womanly parts were anything to compare to Aisha’s. I had ‘feelings’, of course, when I was with Tejas.
It was confusing though, I had no clear answer what to do. And I did not like being surrounded by the skimpy thongs and multitudes of bras in addition to the turmoil in my head.
‘How are your friends?’ I asked Aisha to distract her from the topic. ‘The ones who came to the launch.’
‘Don’t ask.’
‘What?’
‘They’re really just people from the fashion community. Kareena models part-time and they own a label together. It’s called Mystique. They’re all right, we were never close though.’
‘Kartik and Kareena right? I thought they were cool.’
‘Is there anything or anyone you don’t like?’ Aisha said, fishing in her giant bag for something.
‘No I mean—’
‘Hmm. Apple?’
‘No. How’s your diet going?’
‘All right.’
‘When did you meet your nutritionist?’
‘Today, before coming here.’
Aisha fished out a square silver sachet from her bag.
‘Here. Hang on to this,’ she said, giving it to me.
‘Aisha!’
‘You know what it is, don’t you?’
‘Shhh! What is wrong with you?’
‘You should be prepared. Looking good in the sack is one thing.
Safety, entirely another,’ Aisha said, shaking it impatiently like a sachet of sugar.
‘Take it. It’s for you.’
‘Stop it, people are staring.’
‘They’re staring at you, not me. Haven’t you ever put it on somebody? Okay, don’t tell me you’ve never seen one before?’
Aisha said.
‘Put it away.’
‘Okay,’ Aisha said, turning away. I went back to looking at the lingerie. I took deep breaths to calm myself.
Adulting Page 4