Adulting

by Neharika Gupta

  I had to do what I did, right?

  Wrong. I was a horrid person. This was my dark, horrible side. I had to face it. If I was selfish and continued to be so, so be it. This was me. At least it was the most honest I’ve ever been.

  I wobbled to the candle, took it and the book to my loo, locked the door, opened the exhaust and began tearing out the pages like I’d done once before. I was going to turn my pity party of a life into a real party. I lit the pages on fire in the middle of the floor, leaving the cover aside. I’d finally destroyed every belonging of Tejas’s that had been with me.

  I thought of my mother. I knew she had pressures of her own, but it felt like she was out to get me. It wasn’t even her fault.

  There was no excuse for the way I’d let her treat me. I got out my Litracy contract and added it to the pyre.

  I watched it till I was hypnotised, and felt drowsy and sweaty. I put the ash on a newspaper and flushed it. The floor was hot where I’d made my little bonfire.

  I checked my mail, just for fun. Farah had emailed me again saying I absolutely couldn’t take even a day off till New Year’s.

  In fact, the holidays I’d taken for Bhutan would need to be made up for on Saturdays till JLF.

  I hadn’t expected any better. I replied, asking for a time tomorrow to speak with her.

  Friday, 8 December

  To Do:

  no tasks today!

  Farah had given me the time of 3 p.m. but wasn’t free till 5 p.m.

  I’d been at White Dog all day waiting for this. Rahul was on standby, sending me thumbs-up emoticons on WhatsApp.

  ‘Farah, I had certain expectations when I joined Litracy and it’s been tough for me,’ I said, sitting down.

  ‘Is this about your holiday?’

  ‘It’s about my leaving.’ I wanted to say it was about how I was treated by her. Instead, I added, ‘The whole Tejas thing has been too much for me. It’s for my emotional well-being. I can’t take any more stress from anyone at this point.’

  ‘Ruhi, you can’t just walk out while in the middle of such a big project.’

  ‘I can present you with a psych. evaluation that shows it’d be worse for Litracy to have me on board in this emotional state, than to let me go.’

  ‘I see. You know, this never would have happened if you’d come to me in the first place. We let Aisha go because of this.’

  ‘You let Aisha take an extended leave of absence because of health reasons.’

  ‘There’s a lot of work.’

  ‘I’ve prepared a handover. Till I’m in the country, I can do it from home.’

  ‘I’ll have to discuss this with HR.’

  ‘I already did. They agree I should not be around situations that antagonise me. The #metoo shook us all, and anymore stress, HR

  agrees, can be detrimental to my performance at JLF.’ I hated using that as a shield, but I saw no way out in front of Farah and sure enough, that was the first and only time I saw my mother stumble. Just for a second.

  ‘Oh. All right.’

  ‘HR asked me what working with you was like. I told them it was fantastic and that I’d love a recommendation.’

  ‘I’ll think about that.’

  ‘Thanks. I’ll be leaving then. Bye.’

  ‘This isn’t over, Ruhi, we still live in the same house.’

  ‘More than enough for me.’

  I could feel her eyes on the back of my head as I picked up the last of my files and left her in an empty room, with no one to boss over.

  Friday, 8 December

  To Do:

  Chill

  ‘Six tequila shots,’ Rahul told the bartender. He’d insisted on taking me out Summerhouse Cafe to celebrate my freedom.

  We had two each.

  ‘Hang on, I’m getting a call.’ It was Tejas wanting to FaceTime.

  I didn’t want to speak with him, but I did want to see his face when I told him I quit.

  ‘You’ll never guess what.’

  ‘Ruhi, you have to help me. I’m staying with Aisha.’

  ‘You’re staying with Aisha? Are you guys back together again?’

  ‘Here, Ruhi.’ Rahul slid up, putting the glass in my hand.

  ‘Are you … are you in a bar, with that hipster?’

  ‘Who’re you calling a hipster?’ Rahul butted in.

  ‘Tejas, tell me what’s up?’

  ‘What are you doing drinking in the middle of the day?’

  ‘It’s 6.30 p.m. Anyway, Tejas! I quit. I quit that fucked-up job.’

  ‘Yeah right.’

  ‘She did, she really did,’ said Rahul.

  ‘You should thank me, I got all of us out of that thankless place,’ I told Tejas.

  ‘I guess. Look, something’s wrong with Aisha.’

  ‘What do you mean wrong?’

  ‘She’s stuck in her room all day, watching TV shows about skinny models. She doesn’t bathe, has been drinking and smoking from the afternoon on.’

  ‘Tejas, that’s what some girls do when they’re off work. Probably what I’m gonna be doing for the next month. Just because she isn’t hopping to the salon on one leg isn’t anything serious.’

  ‘Ruhi, she’s half her size. She’s become a stick. She wants to go back.’

  ‘Go back where?’ I asked Tejas.

  ‘She wants things to go back to the beginning. The way things were. You have to remind her. Remind her what it was like to feel happy rather than looking good,’ he said. ‘Can’t you come over?’

  ‘She won’t make it, Tejas. We’ll be partying till the weekend.’

  Rahul said.

  ‘I’ll call her later. We can’t help her, Tejas. Help her help herself. I have to go.’ I said, ending the call. ‘Hey you, are you jealous? Of him?’

  ‘Who me?’ Rahul said. ‘You were dating him. What about me?’

  ‘What about you?’ I was having an immense amount of fun, teasing him.

  ‘How about dating me?’

  Before I knew it, his lips were on my foolishly grinning smile and I was kissing him back in the middle of the bar. It wasn’t as good as with Tejas and in a second I knew.

  When we split for the night, I told him I wasn’t ready what with all the Tejas drama. I had to deal with my own life. But I really wanted to see him that weekend. I thought he’d get pissed off and pouty but he was surprisingly okay. And so was I. That’s when I realised, the ‘loss’ of my innocence wasn’t going to happen the time I actually lost ‘it’. It happened with my first heartbreak and had left me with something magnificent in return – the power to reject, or rather, the power to choose.

  25

  Dazed & Confused

  – TEJAS –

  Tuesday, 27 December

  Life isn ’t easy for Aisha. Every day begins with waking up and looking in the mirror and feeling inadequate. Because every time she watches a movie or a TV show or an ad, she feels like an alien. I am writing this for her. For girls everywhere who are called fat . Whose ‘fatness’ stops them from being considered attractive. Who do not want to go on holidays and risk wearing swimsuits and bear the brunt of their non-attractiveness. Who are tired of getting passed over for their skinny friends. Life is a journey of a lifetime. We have to live it, not live in fear of other people who everyone else thinks are beautiful.

  I’ve been here exactly a month now and for the first time Aisha had made an effort to look nice. Her hair smelled good. She’d taken a shirt of mine she used to like and tied a loop at the bottom, probably in an attempt to hide how much weight she’d

  lost. How she continues to do so with the amount of food I was cooking was a miracle.

  We were having fish with a side of pasta. I usually ate one meal while writing and the other with her while watching a movie.

  I knew something was up with the way she kept asking me how my writing was going and not interrupting but listening with her eyes glazing over. She used to do this before, when she was pretending to pay attention. />
  Promptly she said, ‘Tejas, I’ve been thinking.’

  ‘That’s good, for a change.’

  ‘I’m grateful you’ve been here.’

  ‘You were, for me.’

  ‘The plaster will come off tomorrow but I will need physiotherapy and stuff. Why don’t you stay on till the middle of January?’

  ‘I guess I could.’

  ‘And another thing, I’ve decided we could date again.’

  It would have been the easiest thing to say yes. But I wasn’t going to do that anymore. She and Ruhi were not toys I could play with at will. I dealt with my shit on my own. So did Ruhi. Aisha had to cross the finish line on her own.

  ‘No, Aisha, I’m here as a friend.’

  ‘Aren’t you trying to get me back?’ Her face fell.

  ‘Look, I care about you. A lot. You have to get out of this hole you’ve dug yourself into,’ I said.

  ‘What hole? I’m absolutely amazing. I’m back to my old self – who I used to be,’ Aisha said.

  ‘Just because your weight is the same, doesn’t mean you’re the same person!’

  ‘What else does it mean, Tejas?’

  ‘I’ve never met anyone like you, who’s affected me so much. But this is the time for you to focus on yourself. I’m not saying work if you don’t wanna work. All I’m saying is at least live a life you enjoy. Read, write about fashion if you like it so much.

  Watch things, movies, documentaries, not just silly mind-numbing shows all the time. I don’t care if you waste all the time you have, but do it gloriously.’

  ‘You are still as manipulative as you were the day I left Litracy. I, I don’t know what you want. I know what I want and I asked you. If you don’t want to date me, be honest. Don’t make it conditional.’

  I knew I’d lost her at this point.

  ‘Okay, you know what, it’s me. I’ve just been getting my writing on track. Okay? I will consider dating you again once I’m sure my writing is on a roll and I’m not gonna hurt you again.’

  She scoffed. Then her face softened when she realised I wasn’t being sarcastic.

  ‘I can help you through it, like I did before.’

  I wanted to laugh. ‘I’m not ready. I’ll just do the exact same thing and spoil it again.’

  ‘Why don’t you sit out in the sun and watch that cat you’ve been feeding, or sunbathe? He’s getting fatter every week. I’ll air out your room till then.’

  ‘Fine.’

  There was a funky smell in her room. Things were as usual.

  Unwashed glasses, plates and ashtrays in corners and under the bed. The shelves were dusty and the bedsheets smelled like they weren’t fresh at all. The room was dark and cold despite the radiator. I pulled the curtains open and let the sunlight stream in. Small wine bottles lined the floor next to magazines. And I thought I was a lone drinker.

  I attacked the room with a duster and cleaning spray. Thank goodness Aisha had a vacuum cleaner.

  I wiped the dust off the magazines and got started on her bedside table. I pulled open the drawer – there was a lighter and two packets of cigarettes. I pocketed them both. I saw a notebook, a pink faux leather dairy. I could take a peek. Maybe if I read it, I’d know a bit more of what was going on in Aisha’s head.

  After a few minutes of reading, I’d read enough.

  ‘Aisha, what the hell is this?’ I stormed out with her diary in my hand.

  ‘You read my diary? You’ve never read my diary. Even when we were dating.’

  ‘I’m staying here to help you and you pull this crap. Throwing up after eating? You’re smarter than this Aisha, you used to be the smartest person I knew. You never took shit from me or Ruhi.

  Don’t take it from yourself.’

  ‘You stopped dating me when I was fat.’

  ‘I stopped dating you ’coz you stopped taking care of yourself. I can’t even stand to be around you right now.’

  ‘Fine. Leave.’

  ‘I will.’

  I had a good mind to pack my stuff and go home but I took a walk instead. Her cast would be off soon so I decided to stick on for a few more days. No matter what shit she’s doing to herself, she shouldn’t have to be alone on New Year’s Day.

  26

  Irony of a Looking Glass

  – AISHA –

  Friday, 31 December

  Tejas was quiet all the way to the hospital and back. He didn’t even sit in the same room with me when they drilled my cast open.

  He hadn’t said a word besides texting me he’d be out of here on 1st January. He’d stopped eating with me too and gave me a tray in my room as if I were a resident in a mental institution.

  It was New Year’s Eve and he had plans so he ordered me food and left.

  I guess he and I thought that after my cast was gone, I’d feel better. It was weird but I felt helpless – more so, even.

  I had no excuse to sit in bed all day long but I did.

  What really annoyed me was that I wasn’t getting used to this thin person in the mirror. There was no difference in my head between now and when I was a fat person.

  I sat with my laptop and took out a glass of wine Tejas had kept aside and hidden the rest. A single glass. At least he didn’t discover the wine bottle in my shoebox.

  I took my time and washed my hair, put on makeup, found my favourite dress and heels. Everything finally fit. I think I’d done it. On New Year’s Eve, I was going to toast my best self. I had turned things around.

  Tejas had left what I thought was the worst movie for me in the world today – Shallow Hal . I couldn’t stop watching it for some weird reason. It was like staring at someone ugly, you couldn’t move your gaze away.

  The movie was one of the most depressing things I’d ever seen. I had to cheer myself up so I finished half the bottle of wine while watching Next Top Model till 11 p.m.

  At midnight I went into my dressing room. I began taking selfies in my dress to jumpstart a new blog when I tripped and fell on my knees. I’d tripped over an old box of diaries. My plan was to bid my fat self goodbye forever that night and wake up a fresh new person. What better way than to remember and let go of the old me.

  Saturday, 1 January

  When I woke up, it was 6 a.m. I was in my dressing room. Tejas wasn’t back yet.

  How drunk was I last night? My left foot was sore from having slept with the heels on in an awkward position.

  I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I was thin. My clothes fit but I did not look pretty from any angle. I was also ugly. Had I not realised this and not seen the mirror properly for a month? My hair was dull and limp. I couldn’t balance in those heels anymore, what was I doing wearing them while recovering from a fracture? I looked old and my dark circles were horrendous. I had breakouts, my skin was patchy. I looked like a zombie.

  It wasn’t the same. I had been kidding myself.

  I struggled to understand. I’d done everything, stopped eating, thrown up after every meal. What else did I have to do to look good?

  My diaries were spread around me.

  An entry dated May, the day I first joined Litracy, said, ’As long as I look this way, the world will be at my feet. It got me here and it’s going to take me higher.’

  I read more. Every single thing I read was about how I looked.

  Not one entry was about my accomplishments. Was my confidence a sham? Was I a mannequin, not a person? Every single thing in my room was related to my appearance. There was no photo of my friends, no degrees, posters, achievements. Just pictures of myself.

  I wandered around the room. I was not these magazines, I was not these clothes, I was not that bottle of wine, or those shoes. I could be all of these but I was more.

  I didn’t recognise the person in the mirror in the dressing room.

  I punched it. It broke on my hand.

  I recoiled from the shock of having shattered it and knelt down.

  I noticed blood on the magazine and diary I was holdin
g. I didn’t realise I was cut, I was still a little hungover and shaky. I noticed a piece of the mirror on the floor. I picked it up and held it next to my wrist. Blood from my hand smeared it. My face reflected blood in that tiny cracked piece of glass. I could end it all right now.

  My parents would be happier without me. Anyway, their problems had always been bigger than mine. I could write a letter to Tejas saying this wasn’t his fault. Ruhi had her own life.

  It was an option.

  The other option was to move on and probably become a fat and ugly person and be okay with it. I could not picture myself like that. I couldn’t stand my room any longer.

  I couldn’t bear to face it. I began taking my things and dumping them outside my room. The cat was watching me from a corner. I gave him quite a show. I made a mountain of my magazines and gave it a good kick. I added all my tight clothes and skimpy outfits.

  I took off the dress I was wearing. I added the multitude of mirrors and mock model photos of myself to the lot.

  My room looked empty and my wardrobe too. Like a void, exactly how I felt.

  I thought I would be free but I felt empty and breathless.

  I got out of the corridor and into the garden. The fresh morning breeze helped me with my hangover. I was drenched in sweat. The world was asleep or probably passed out. I walked in my garden barefoot, till I felt lighter and lighter like I was rising up.

  Every time I thought of my empty room, I would freak out. So I stopped and sat in the garden and looked at the leaves and the flowers and the cat.

  My mind kept telling me I had to choose the feeling which came with looking bad. Something felt wrong with that.

  I examined myself again. There was nothing wrong with wanting to look good. I was not a hollow person despite everything.

  It was also okay to not like the person in the mirror. Nobody was perfect. We all had our flaws. Even diamonds. I didn’t have to like them.

  I could not stand my chubby self and that was okay. I could love it anyway.

  If we accepted our shortcomings, nobody would ever hit the gym. I could acknowledge that I was addicted to food and now I was addicted to a mirror image. But neither of those were of the standards I would accept.

  The blood on my hand had dried. I was hungry. I decided to start my day off by cooking a meal for myself.