Four Bridesmaids and a White Wedding: the laugh-out-loud romantic comedy of the year!

by Fiona Collins

  Thanks, Paul, she thought as she stepped unsteadily off the bridge and started round the short pathway to the lake house. And she meant it sincerely. Thank you.

  Three frantic-looking women were suddenly silhouetted in the open door before her, flashing disco lights behind them casting a multicoloured halo around their heads. They bundled forward.

  ‘Rose! There you bloody well are! We’ve been looking for you for over twenty minutes! You’re needed! Quick!’ It was JoJo. She was one side of Sal, Wendy the other. They were holding on to Sal like she was an escaped but now captured fugitive. Sal’s face was white and it looked like she could barely stand.

  ‘What’s up?’ Rose stumbled towards them.

  ‘You’ll find out in a minute,’ said JoJo, catching her by the arm. ‘And so will Sal. We’re off to the ladies’ loos to see if she’s pregnant.’

  Chapter Fourteen

  JoJo

  They waited. Sal had been in the middle cubicle and, after much protesting of ‘she didn’t need to go!’, had peed on the pregnancy test stick – it was now wrapped in toilet paper and placed on the windowsill above the sinks while JoJo timed three minutes on her phone.

  ‘You think you’re pregnant, Sal?’ asked Wendy. She was lolling against the sinks, her hair a wild mess of curls. Drunk as a skunk, noted JoJo. ‘Since when?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Sal, miserably. She was pacing the floor, her eyes wild. ‘I didn’t think I was.’

  ‘I think she’s pregnant,’ said JoJo. ‘I got her the test. And if you two hadn’t been so preoccupied,’ she said to Rose and Wendy, her eyebrows raised, ‘you might have noticed the signs too. The yawning, the tiredness, the being off her food but at the same time being starving – the food hasn’t been that bad, as the rest of us know – the being even grumpier than she is normally . . .’ Sal shrugged as she paced ‘. . . it all pointed to one possible cause, for me.’ JoJo was sure she was right; if she wasn’t, she’d eat her own shoes . . . and both ribbons.

  ‘You’re a ssuper ssleuth,’ slurred Rose. She was hanging on to the hand dryer and the heels of her sandals were pivoting dangerously on the tiled floor. JoJo was worried one might snap off.

  ‘And I must be especially thick,’ muttered Sal. ‘I didn’t even know I was late!’ She stopped pacing and stared at herself in the mirror. ‘I really can’t be pregnant, can I? I can’t be!’

  ‘You might be,’ said JoJo. ‘Two and a half more minutes,’ she said, checking her phone, ‘and you’ll find out.’

  ‘Oh God.’

  ‘Let’s talk about something else for a minute, shall we?’ suggested Rose, still hanging off the dryer. ‘Take our minds off it?’

  ‘OK, good idea,’ said JoJo, placing a hand on Sal’s arm. ‘I’ll start. What you were doing out by the lake, Rose?’

  ‘Not snogging Paul,’ replied Rose with a sullen smile. She let go of the dryer, slumped back against the tiles in the corner of the room and slid down them to the floor.

  ‘Why not?’ asked Wendy, drunkenly. ‘Not that she should have been,’ she added quickly, ‘I mean, that would be baaaad.’

  ‘And are you OK?’ enquired JoJo. ‘That you didn’t? You don’t look sure.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Rose. ‘I’m OK. And I’m sure. He wanted me to go to a room. Here. That he’d booked. For sex. Well, I don’t think it was to admire his yoga certificates, ha ha, not that they would be there, but he might carry them around with him, or something, who knows? I reckon he’s the type.’

  ‘Rose?’ God, the woman was talking near gibberish, thought JoJo.

  ‘So, yeah, so no way was I doing that, but I was really, really tempted to kiss him. Just to see what it felt like, and to get back at Jason.’

  ‘But you don’t know for sure that Jason’s done anything wrong!’ protested Sal. She kept glancing towards the pregnancy test; the poor woman’s emotions must be all over the place.

  ‘No, I know,’ slurred Rose, ‘and even if he is cheating doesn’t mean I have to do it too. I realised that, out there. Talking is what we need to do. Talk-ing. We’re going to have it out when I get home. When he gets home. I want to save my marriage.’

  ‘That’s good,’ muttered Sal. She’d resumed her pacing. ‘That’s really good, Rose.’

  A girl pushed her way into the loos with a giant clutch bag and a hairbrush in her hand. ‘The toilets are closed,’ said JoJo, ‘use the men’s’ and the girl drunkenly said, ‘Sorry’ and bashed out again.

  ‘Where’s Tamsin?’ asked Rose suddenly.

  ‘Still at the bar, I think,’ said JoJo. ‘With that old friend. If Sal has any news, we’ll tell her when we come out.’

  ‘Oh God,’ groaned Sal. ‘Let’s just keep talking. What about you, Wendy?’ she asked. ‘You and Steve. You said you were going to keep away from him, but the pair of you couldn’t have looked more cosy when JoJo and I came to get you.’

  ‘Fine,’ said Wendy randomly, then a big grin swept onto her face.

  ‘Oh, Wendy, be careful,’ said JoJo.

  ‘I am being careful,’ Wendy drunkenly over-protested. ‘We’re just catching up!’

  ‘Still?’ asked JoJo. She sighed. ‘Wendy, you know that Steve wasn’t all that when you were with him at Warwick, don’t you?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Wendy shook her curls; one hit her on the side of the nose.

  ‘Well, he tried to snog me once, in the corridor outside your room.’

  ‘Did he?’ Wendy shrugged.

  ‘Yep. And you too, Sal? Isn’t that right?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Sal nodded, still pacing. ‘In the bathroom at a party in Halls one time.’

  ‘What, when we were together?’ asked Wendy.

  ‘Yes,’ said JoJo. ‘And he made a play for you once, Rose, didn’t he?’

  ‘Well, yes,’ said Rose, still sitting on the floor. ‘He once tried to get a little over-friendly in the students’ union, at the Cholo Bar. I didn’t take it very seriously,’ she added quickly.

  ‘Oh!’ said Wendy. ‘And why didn’t anybody ever tell me?’

  ‘It was all around the time he said he was leaving,’ explained JoJo. ‘And then he went to Australia and never called you again. What was the point?’

  ‘Well, maybe I wouldn’t have been so gutted about him going if you’d told me he’d tried to get off with you all!’

  ‘Or maybe you wouldn’t have believed us and thought we were making it up just to make you feel better.’

  ‘Yes,’ conceded Wendy. ‘Yes, I probably would have thought that.’

  ‘There you are then,’ said JoJo.

  ‘Well, he’s not the man he used to be anyway!’ said Wendy. ‘Steve’s a better man now. He was just some student then, like I was. Now he’s an international businessman, with fingers in all sorts of pies—’

  ‘International?’ interjected Sal. They’d heard all this ‘businessman’ rubbish last night. Wendy was becoming like a broken record.

  ‘He’s got a golf shop in Spain,’ said Wendy.

  ‘Oh, impressive,’ said Sal sarcastically. ‘And let’s hope he’s not putting his fingers into your pie! You’re marrying Frederick. Remember him?’

  ‘Of course I remember Frederick!’

  ‘I don’t think you do,’ said JoJo quietly. ‘I think you forgot all about him as soon as you clapped eyes on Steve Marsden again.’ She grabbed both of Wendy’s hands and looked into her slightly bloodshot eyes. ‘You’re acting like a crazy person around him, you know. You’ve got to be really, really careful you don’t ruin your future for yourself. You’ve got to be really careful you don’t ruin it tonight.’

  Wendy shook her hands free from JoJo’s. Her eyes flashed with anger, but JoJo didn’t mind that. She wanted to instill emotion in her; she wanted her friend to see sense.

  ‘I’m on my hen do!’ Wendy proclaimed. ‘I’m supposed to be having fun and letting my hair down. Which you’d know nothing about,’ she said, looking
straight at JoJo, and then she started to giggle rather manically. ‘Miss Goody Two Shoes Workaholic! Just because you’re a man-free zone who has no bloody fun, ever! You’re like a bloody monk! Or a robot!’

  Now JoJo did mind. She froze. A robot! What did that mean? She wasn’t a robot! And just because she didn’t have time or inclination to date didn’t make her a bloody monk! Tears sprang quickly to her eyes.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Wendy quickly, her manic giggles gone. ‘I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ said JoJo, but she felt gutted.

  ‘No, it’s not OK, I’ve upset you, I was only messing around. I—’

  ‘OK,’ said Sal, finally coming to a stop in front of the windowsill. ‘We haven’t really got time to do this now, ladies! There’s the small matter of a rather dramatic pregnancy test to find out the result of. I’m sure time must be up.’

  ‘It’s up,’ said JoJo, checking her phone. She wouldn’t think about what her friend had said, not now. Now they had to focus on Sal.

  ‘You pick it up, JoJo,’ said Sal. ‘I can’t bear to.’

  ‘OK,’ she said. She picked up the pregnancy test from the windowsill and turned it over. ‘The line is there, Sal,’ she said, handing her the stick. ‘You’re pregnant.’

  They all fell silent. No one knew what to say. Sal leant against the sinks and put her head in her hands.

  ‘This was something you wanted, once upon a time,’ said Rose gently and drunkenly. ‘Please tell us how you’re feeling.’

  Sal took her fingers away from her eyes and lifted up her head. ‘Oh shit.’ She grinned, her eyes shining. ‘I’m pregnant! I’m bloody pregnant!’

  ‘So you’re pleased?’ asked JoJo. ‘You’re pleased you are?’

  ‘Yes,’ replied Sal. ‘It’s a massive bloody shock, but I’m pleased. A baby!’ she cried. ‘An actual baby! Oh my God. I’m over the bloody moon!’

  Wendy did a giant ‘whoop’ and started dancing round the room with her, in a kind of drunken tango. JoJo and Rose hugged each other. A different girl burst through the swinging door in a green party dress, witnessed the madness that was going on and promptly left again. It was carnival season in here, thought JoJo. A party in the ladies’ to celebrate Sal’s best news ever. It was absolutely brilliant.

  ‘I really didn’t mean it, you know,’ Wendy said to JoJo, after she and Sal had come to a stop. ‘It was just a joke. I don’t really think you’re a robotic monk. I love you, JoJo.’

  ‘I know you didn’t mean it,’ said JoJo, ‘and I love you too.’ They hugged, Wendy’s voluminous hair flopping all over JoJo’s head like a blanket.

  As they pulled apart, Sal came back to the sinks and turned on the cold tap. She ran her hand under the water and placed her palm flat against her forehead. ‘Well, I guess we all know how I feel about this,’ she said. ‘Fuck knows what Niall is going to say though!’

  They all looked at each other. Memories swept back to JoJo of Nick’s horrified face when she’d told him she was pregnant, how he had abandoned her, how hard it had been to be a single mother and bring Constance up without a father. When, apart from visits from her dear friends, she had no backup, no breaks, no one to take over, no one to share the load, no one to hold the baby while she went to the loo, no one to even hold a packet of wipes for her while she struggled with a wriggling child on a changing mat. She didn’t want that for Sal; she hoped against hope that Niall would not be one of life’s Nicks, that Niall would stick around.

  ‘Whatever Niall says,’ she insisted, taking Sal’s hands, ‘we will be there for you. We’ll be there for you just as you were there for me when I had Constance. Let’s hope Niall is delighted, Sal, but if for some reason he isn’t, then it’s all going to be OK. We’re here.’

  ‘I know,’ said Sal, tears in her eyes, and they all stepped forward into a little huddle and clasped hands with her, like an entourage surrounding a pop star before a big show. ‘Thank you. I know.’

  *

  They left the loos and walked back into the party. Sal said she needed to have a sit down and, spying a couple of chairs in the corner of the room, went over with Rose to sit on them. JoJo said she’d get them all a glass of water. She had been dismayed to see Steve propping up the wall outside the ladies’, waiting for Wendy, and even more dismayed to see Wendy scampering off after him, in the direction of the bar.

  ‘We can’t let her go, can we?’ she’d said to Sal.

  ‘We can’t stop her,’ Sal had replied. ‘Only she can decide who she wants. I live in hope that it’s Frederick – there’s still time. Let’s hope she realises Steve is totally wrong for her and that her All Too Soon worries about this wedding are unfounded.’ She glanced over to the bar. ‘As long as she stays within sight I don’t think anything too bad can happen.’

  ‘I hope you’re right,’ said JoJo.

  ‘You’ve told her not to ruin things tonight, let’s hope she listened.’

  ‘Yes.’

  Wendy was drunk and acting like an idiot as far as Steve was concerned, JoJo thought, as she waited at the other end of the bar. And it didn’t seem there was much any of them could do about it. The best case was Wendy would enjoy this last night of flirtation with Steve – fairly innocently – then go on to happily marry the lovely Frederick, who hopefully knew her far better than she thought he did. The worst? Well, it didn’t bear thinking about. They had all tried their best. Now it was up to Wendy . . . and she was in plain view of everyone. Sal was right; nothing could happen if they could see her at all times, could it?

  JoJo waited some more. She’d always had a particular knack in having bar staff ignore her; it was a talent. While she waited, she felt conflicted. She was absolutely delighted for Sal, and the pregnancy, but she was also gutted and still reeling from Wendy’s words. JoJo had fully accepted Wendy’s apology, of course she had, but what her friend had said about her had stung, even if it was just in drunken jest . . . that JoJo was a workaholic monk, a loveless, fun-free robot . . . because a part of her felt it was true. Is that how people saw her? Was she that cold and awful? Was her life that empty?

  A waiter, the young cute one from the restaurant, passed by with a tray of full champagne flutes. JoJo grabbed one of the flutes and downed its contents in one. There. Robots didn’t do that. Monks didn’t do that! She’d show everyone – or rather, herself – she could have a whole lot of fun. Just because she didn’t have a bloody man in her life didn’t mean she couldn’t have fun! Hadn’t she had fun already, all weekend, doing the crazy activities and enjoying everyone’s company? Hadn’t anyone noticed that? She set the glass back on the tray and picked up another one. The waiter looked surprised; she surprised herself by winking at him. She was going to get blind drunk, she decided. She’d get a bottle of water from the bar, take it over to Sal and Rose and then come back and have fun on a whole other level.

  ‘Hey, JoJo!’ It was Tamsin; she had a cocktail in her hand and her cheeks were all rosy and red. ‘Sorry I’ve been AWOL for so long. That girl I met, Catherine, the one from law school, had about twenty years of career she wanted to tell me about. The birthday girl’s fun, though – she’s a hoot! Have you been enjoying yourself?’

  ‘Yes,’ said JoJo. Or rather, she was about to start now. ‘Wait there one sec while I get Sal and Rose some water and I’ll come straight back.’

  She was finally being asked what she wanted, by the barman. She ordered two bottles of water, tucked them under her arm and dashed over to Sal and Rose.

  ‘Sal’s pregnant,’ she said to Tamsin, when she got back.

  ‘Really?’ Tamsin’s face lit up. ‘Is she happy?’

  ‘Very happy.’

  ‘Fantastic! I love a bit of happy news. I’m made up for her. Cheers!’ She went to clink glasses with JoJo, but JoJo’s glass was empty. The young waiter passed again, with another tray of champers, and JoJo deposited her empty glass on the tray and took two full
ones, one for each hand.

  ‘Careful,’ he said with a smile.

  ‘Oh, I don’t think so,’ said JoJo, winking at him again. The champagne was flowing through her body now and she was beginning to feel quite wonderful. ‘How have you found it?’ she asked Tamsin. ‘This hen weekend?’

  ‘Terrific!’ said Tamsin, smiling. ‘I was so flattered to be invited, but I was worried about the work I had to bring with me, and whether I’d enjoy myself. Actually, though, I’ve had an absolute blast. If you made a mistake in the booking then you made a really good one, JoJo – all the activities have been such a good laugh.’

  ‘Thank God!’ JoJo smiled. ‘You know, I was so completely horrified when I’d realised what I’d done, but the ordeals they’ve put us through have turned out to be great, I agree. Nice to let our hair down, eh?’ It was the phrase Wendy had used, in the ladies’.

  ‘Yes. My hair hadn’t been down for quite a while,’ admitted Tamsin. ‘It’s been lovely to have fun for once. I’d forgotten how much I liked it.’

  JoJo nodded; she could relate to that. ‘Is this really the first hen weekend you’ve ever been on?’

  ‘Yep,’ said Tamsin. ‘I’m afraid it is. What a loser, eh? I’ve always been too busy – knocking on that glass ceiling, hammering on the door of the Boys Club, trying to get ahead, you know. I haven’t been one for wild nights since I left university. No time. You could say I’m obsessed with my career.’

  ‘Touché,’ laughed JoJo. ‘I’m the same – obsessed – not that my friends haven’t tried to beat it out of me this weekend! You know you’re my workaholic twin, don’t you?’