The Prince and the Pauper

by Mark Twain

  CHAPTER XIV. 'Le Roi est mort--vive le Roi.'

  Toward daylight of the same morning, Tom Canty stirred out of a heavysleep and opened his eyes in the dark. ?He lay silent a few moments,trying to analyse his confused thoughts and impressions, and get somesort of meaning out of them; then suddenly he burst out in a rapturousbut guarded voice--

  "I see it all, I see it all! ?Now God be thanked, I am indeed awake atlast! ?Come, joy! vanish, sorrow! ?Ho, Nan! Bet! kick off your straw andhie ye hither to my side, till I do pour into your unbelieving ears thewildest madcap dream that ever the spirits of night did conjure up toastonish the soul of man withal! . . . Ho, Nan, I say! ?Bet!"

  A dim form appeared at his side, and a voice said--

  "Wilt deign to deliver thy commands?"

  "Commands? . . . O, woe is me, I know thy voice! ?Speak thou--who am I?"

  "Thou? ?In sooth, yesternight wert thou the Prince of Wales; to-day artthou my most gracious liege, Edward, King of England."

  Tom buried his head among his pillows, murmuring plaintively--

  "Alack, it was no dream! ?Go to thy rest, sweet sir--leave me to mysorrows."

  Tom slept again, and after a time he had this pleasant dream. ?Hethought it was summer, and he was playing, all alone, in the fair meadowcalled Goodman's Fields, when a dwarf only a foot high, with long redwhiskers and a humped back, appeared to him suddenly and said, "Dig bythat stump." ?He did so, and found twelve bright new pennies--wonderfulriches! ?Yet this was not the best of it; for the dwarf said--

  "I know thee. ?Thou art a good lad, and a deserving; thy distressesshall end, for the day of thy reward is come. ?Dig here every seventhday, and thou shalt find always the same treasure, twelve bright newpennies. Tell none--keep the secret."

  Then the dwarf vanished, and Tom flew to Offal Court with his prize,saying to himself, "Every night will I give my father a penny; hewill think I begged it, it will glad his heart, and I shall no morebe beaten. One penny every week the good priest that teacheth me shallhave; mother, Nan, and Bet the other four. We be done with hunger andrags, now, done with fears and frets and savage usage."

  In his dream he reached his sordid home all out of breath, but witheyes dancing with grateful enthusiasm; cast four of his pennies into hismother's lap and cried out--

  "They are for thee!--all of them, every one!--for thee and Nan andBet--and honestly come by, not begged nor stolen!"

  The happy and astonished mother strained him to her breast andexclaimed--

  "It waxeth late--may it please your Majesty to rise?"

  Ah! that was not the answer he was expecting. ?The dream had snappedasunder--he was awake.

  He opened his eyes--the richly clad First Lord of the Bedchamber waskneeling by his couch. ?The gladness of the lying dream faded away--thepoor boy recognised that he was still a captive and a king. ?The roomwas filled with courtiers clothed in purple mantles--the mourningcolour--and with noble servants of the monarch. ?Tom sat up in bed andgazed out from the heavy silken curtains upon this fine company.

  The weighty business of dressing began, and one courtier after anotherknelt and paid his court and offered to the little King his condolencesupon his heavy loss, whilst the dressing proceeded. ?In the beginning, ashirt was taken up by the Chief Equerry in Waiting, who passed it to theFirst Lord of the Buckhounds, who passed it to the Second Gentleman ofthe Bedchamber, who passed it to the Head Ranger of Windsor Forest,who passed it to the Third Groom of the Stole, who passed it to theChancellor Royal of the Duchy of Lancaster, who passed it to the Masterof the Wardrobe, who passed it to Norroy King-at-Arms, who passed it tothe Constable of the Tower, who passed it to the Chief Steward of theHousehold, who passed it to the Hereditary Grand Diaperer, who passed itto the Lord High Admiral of England, who passed it to the Archbishop ofCanterbury, who passed it to the First Lord of the Bedchamber, who tookwhat was left of it and put it on Tom. ?Poor little wondering chap, itreminded him of passing buckets at a fire.

  Each garment in its turn had to go through this slow and solemn process;consequently Tom grew very weary of the ceremony; so weary that he feltan almost gushing gratefulness when he at last saw his long silken hosebegin the journey down the line and knew that the end of the matterwas drawing near. ?But he exulted too soon. ?The First Lord of theBedchamber received the hose and was about to encase Tom's legs in them,when a sudden flush invaded his face and he hurriedly hustled the thingsback into the hands of the Archbishop of Canterbury with an astoundedlook and a whispered, "See, my lord!" pointing to a something connectedwith the hose. ?The Archbishop paled, then flushed, and passed thehose to the Lord High Admiral, whispering, "See, my lord!" ?The Admiralpassed the hose to the Hereditary Grand Diaperer, and had hardly breathenough in his body to ejaculate, "See, my lord!" ?The hose driftedbackward along the line, to the Chief Steward of the Household, theConstable of the Tower, Norroy King-at-Arms, the Master of the Wardrobe,the Chancellor Royal of the Duchy of Lancaster, the Third Groom of theStole, the Head Ranger of Windsor Forest, the Second Gentleman of theBedchamber, the First Lord of the Buckhounds,--accompanied always withthat amazed and frightened "See! see!"--till they finally reached thehands of the Chief Equerry in Waiting, who gazed a moment, with a pallidface, upon what had caused all this dismay, then hoarsely whispered,"Body of my life, a tag gone from a truss-point!--to the Tower withthe Head Keeper of the King's Hose!"--after which he leaned upon theshoulder of the First Lord of the Buckhounds to regather his vanishedstrength whilst fresh hose, without any damaged strings to them, werebrought.

  But all things must have an end, and so in time Tom Canty was in acondition to get out of bed. ?The proper official poured water, theproper official engineered the washing, the proper official stood bywith a towel, and by-and-by Tom got safely through the purifying stageand was ready for the services of the Hairdresser-royal. ?When he atlength emerged from this master's hands, he was a gracious figure andas pretty as a girl, in his mantle and trunks of purple satin, andpurple-plumed cap. ?He now moved in state toward his breakfast-room,through the midst of the courtly assemblage; and as he passed, thesefell back, leaving his way free, and dropped upon their knees.

  After breakfast he was conducted, with regal ceremony, attended by hisgreat officers and his guard of fifty Gentlemen Pensioners bearing giltbattle-axes, to the throne-room, where he proceeded to transact businessof state. ?His 'uncle,' Lord Hertford, took his stand by the throne, toassist the royal mind with wise counsel.

  The body of illustrious men named by the late King as his executorsappeared, to ask Tom's approval of certain acts of theirs--rather aform, and yet not wholly a form, since there was no Protector as yet.?The Archbishop of Canterbury made report of the decree of the Councilof Executors concerning the obsequies of his late most illustriousMajesty, and finished by reading the signatures of the Executors, towit: ?the Archbishop of Canterbury; the Lord Chancellor of England;William Lord St. John; John Lord Russell; Edward Earl of Hertford; JohnViscount Lisle; Cuthbert Bishop of Durham--

  Tom was not listening--an earlier clause of the document was puzzlinghim. ?At this point he turned and whispered to Lord Hertford--

  "What day did he say the burial hath been appointed for?"

  "The sixteenth of the coming month, my liege."

  "'Tis a strange folly. ?Will he keep?"

  Poor chap, he was still new to the customs of royalty; he was used toseeing the forlorn dead of Offal Court hustled out of the way with avery different sort of expedition. ?However, the Lord Hertford set hismind at rest with a word or two.

  A secretary of state presented an order of the Council appointing themorrow at eleven for the reception of the foreign ambassadors, anddesired the King's assent.

  Tom turned an inquiring look toward Hertford, who whispered--

  "Your Majesty will signify consent. ?They come to testify their royalmasters' sense of the heavy calamity which hath visited your Grace andthe realm of England."

  Tom did as he was bidden. ?Another secretary began to read
a preambleconcerning the expenses of the late King's household, which had amountedto 28,000 pounds during the preceding six months--a sum so vast that itmade Tom Canty gasp; he gasped again when the fact appeared that 20,000pounds of this money was still owing and unpaid; {4} and once more whenit appeared that the King's coffers were about empty, and his twelvehundred servants much embarrassed for lack of the wages due them. ?Tomspoke out, with lively apprehension--

  "We be going to the dogs, 'tis plain. ?'Tis meet and necessary that wetake a smaller house and set the servants at large, sith they be of novalue but to make delay, and trouble one with offices that harass thespirit and shame the soul, they misbecoming any but a doll, that hathnor brains nor hands to help itself withal. ?I remember me of a smallhouse that standeth over against the fish-market, by Billingsgate--"

  A sharp pressure upon Tom's arm stopped his foolish tongue and sent ablush to his face; but no countenance there betrayed any sign that thisstrange speech had been remarked or given concern.

  A secretary made report that forasmuch as the late King had provided inhis will for conferring the ducal degree upon the Earl of Hertford andraising his brother, Sir Thomas Seymour, to the peerage, and likewiseHertford's son to an earldom, together with similar aggrandisements toother great servants of the Crown, the Council had resolved to hold asitting on the 16th of February for the delivering and confirming ofthese honours, and that meantime, the late King not having granted,in writing, estates suitable to the support of these dignities, theCouncil, knowing his private wishes in that regard, had thought properto grant to Seymour '500 pound lands,' and to Hertford's son '800pound lands, and 300 pound of the next bishop's lands which should fallvacant,'--his present Majesty being willing. {5}

  Tom was about to blurt out something about the propriety of paying thelate King's debts first, before squandering all this money, but atimely touch upon his arm, from the thoughtful Hertford, saved himthis indiscretion; wherefore he gave the royal assent, without spokencomment, but with much inward discomfort. ?While he sat reflecting amoment over the ease with which he was doing strange and glitteringmiracles, a happy thought shot into his mind: ?why not make his motherDuchess of Offal Court, and give her an estate? ?But a sorrowfulthought swept it instantly away: he was only a king in name, these graveveterans and great nobles were his masters; to them his mother was onlythe creature of a diseased mind; they would simply listen to his projectwith unbelieving ears, then send for the doctor.

  The dull work went tediously on. ?Petitions were read, andproclamations, patents, and all manner of wordy, repetitious, andwearisome papers relating to the public business; and at last Tom sighedpathetically and murmured to himself, "In what have I offended, that thegood God should take me away from the fields and the free air and thesunshine, to shut me up here and make me a king and afflict me so?"?Then his poor muddled head nodded a while and presently drooped to hisshoulder; and the business of the empire came to a standstill for wantof that august factor, the ratifying power. ?Silence ensued aroundthe slumbering child, and the sages of the realm ceased from theirdeliberations.

  During the forenoon, Tom had an enjoyable hour, by permission of hiskeepers, Hertford and St. John, with the Lady Elizabeth and the littleLady Jane Grey; though the spirits of the princesses were rather subduedby the mighty stroke that had fallen upon the royal house; and at theend of the visit his 'elder sister'--afterwards the 'Bloody Mary' ofhistory--chilled him with a solemn interview which had but one merit inhis eyes, its brevity. ?He had a few moments to himself, and then a slimlad of about twelve years of age was admitted to his presence, whoseclothing, except his snowy ruff and the laces about his wrists, was ofblack,--doublet, hose, and all. ?He bore no badge of mourning but a knotof purple ribbon on his shoulder. ?He advanced hesitatingly, with headbowed and bare, and dropped upon one knee in front of Tom. Tom sat stilland contemplated him soberly a moment. ?Then he said--

  "Rise, lad. ?Who art thou. ?What wouldst have?"

  The boy rose, and stood at graceful ease, but with an aspect of concernin his face. ?He said--

  "Of a surety thou must remember me, my lord. ?I am thy whipping-boy."

  "My _whipping_-boy?"

  "The same, your Grace. ?I am Humphrey--Humphrey Marlow."

  Tom perceived that here was someone whom his keepers ought to haveposted him about. ?The situation was delicate. ?What should hedo?--pretend he knew this lad, and then betray by his every utterancethat he had never heard of him before? ?No, that would not do. ?An ideacame to his relief: accidents like this might be likely to happen withsome frequency, now that business urgencies would often call Hertfordand St. John from his side, they being members of the Council ofExecutors; therefore perhaps it would be well to strike out a planhimself to meet the requirements of such emergencies. ?Yes, that wouldbe a wise course--he would practise on this boy, and see what sort ofsuccess he might achieve. ?So he stroked his brow perplexedly a momentor two, and presently said--

  "Now I seem to remember thee somewhat--but my wit is clogged and dimwith suffering--"

  "Alack, my poor master!" ejaculated the whipping-boy, with feeling;adding, to himself, "In truth 'tis as they said--his mind is gone--alas,poor soul! ?But misfortune catch me, how am I forgetting! ?They said onemust not seem to observe that aught is wrong with him."

  "'Tis strange how my memory doth wanton with me these days," said Tom."But mind it not--I mend apace--a little clue doth often serve to bringme back again the things and names which had escaped me. ?(And not they,only, forsooth, but e'en such as I ne'er heard before--as this lad shallsee.) ?Give thy business speech."

  "'Tis matter of small weight, my liege, yet will I touch upon it, an' itplease your Grace. ?Two days gone by, when your Majesty faulted thricein your Greek--in the morning lessons,--dost remember it?"

  "Y-e-s--methinks I do. ?(It is not much of a lie--an' I had meddled withthe Greek at all, I had not faulted simply thrice, but forty times.)Yes, I do recall it, now--go on."

  "The master, being wroth with what he termed such slovenly and doltishwork, did promise that he would soundly whip me for it--and--"

  "Whip _thee_!" said Tom, astonished out of his presence of mind. "Whyshould he whip _thee_ for faults of mine?"

  "Ah, your Grace forgetteth again. ?He always scourgeth me when thou dostfail in thy lessons."

  "True, true--I had forgot. ?Thou teachest me in private--then if I fail,he argueth that thy office was lamely done, and--"

  "Oh, my liege, what words are these? ?I, the humblest of thy servants,presume to teach _thee_?"

  "Then where is thy blame? ?What riddle is this? ?Am I in truth gone mad,or is it thou? ?Explain--speak out."

  "But, good your Majesty, there's nought that needeth simplifying.--Nonemay visit the sacred person of the Prince of Wales with blows;wherefore, when he faulteth, 'tis I that take them; and meet it is andright, for that it is mine office and my livelihood." {1}

  Tom stared at the tranquil boy, observing to himself, "Lo, it is awonderful thing,--a most strange and curious trade; I marvel they havenot hired a boy to take my combings and my dressings for me--wouldheaven they would!--an' they will do this thing, I will take my lashingsin mine own person, giving God thanks for the change." Then he saidaloud--

  "And hast thou been beaten, poor friend, according to the promise?"

  "No, good your Majesty, my punishment was appointed for this day, andperadventure it may be annulled, as unbefitting the season of mourningthat is come upon us; I know not, and so have made bold to come hitherand remind your Grace about your gracious promise to intercede in mybehalf--"

  "With the master? ?To save thee thy whipping?"

  "Ah, thou dost remember!"

  "My memory mendeth, thou seest. ?Set thy mind at ease--thy back shall gounscathed--I will see to it."

  "Oh, thanks, my good lord!" cried the boy, dropping upon his knee again."Mayhap I have ventured far enow; and yet--"

  Seeing Master Humphrey hesitate, Tom encouraged him to go on, saying hewas "in
the granting mood."

  "Then will I speak it out, for it lieth near my heart. ?Sith thou artno more Prince of Wales but King, thou canst order matters as thou wilt,with none to say thee nay; wherefore it is not in reason that thou wiltlonger vex thyself with dreary studies, but wilt burn thy books andturn thy mind to things less irksome. Then am I ruined, and mine orphansisters with me!"

  "Ruined? ?Prithee how?"

  "My back is my bread, O my gracious liege! if it go idle, I starve. ?An'thou cease from study mine office is gone thou'lt need no whipping-boy.Do not turn me away!"

  Tom was touched with this pathetic distress. ?He said, with a rightroyal burst of generosity--

  "Discomfort thyself no further, lad. ?Thine office shall be permanent inthee and thy line for ever." ?Then he struck the boy a light blow on theshoulder with the flat of his sword, exclaiming, "Rise, Humphrey Marlow,Hereditary Grand Whipping-Boy to the Royal House of England! ?Banishsorrow--I will betake me to my books again, and study so ill that theymust in justice treble thy wage, so mightily shall the business of thineoffice be augmented."

  The grateful Humphrey responded fervidly--

  "Thanks, O most noble master, this princely lavishness doth far surpassmy most distempered dreams of fortune. ?Now shall I be happy all mydays, and all the house of Marlow after me."

  Tom had wit enough to perceive that here was a lad who could be usefulto him. ?He encouraged Humphrey to talk, and he was nothing loath.?He was delighted to believe that he was helping in Tom's 'cure'; foralways, as soon as he had finished calling back to Tom's diseased mindthe various particulars of his experiences and adventures in the royalschool-room and elsewhere about the palace, he noticed that Tom was thenable to 'recall' the circumstances quite clearly. ?At the end of anhour Tom found himself well freighted with very valuable informationconcerning personages and matters pertaining to the Court; so heresolved to draw instruction from this source daily; and to this end hewould give order to admit Humphrey to the royal closet whenever he mightcome, provided the Majesty of England was not engaged with other people.?Humphrey had hardly been dismissed when my Lord Hertford arrived withmore trouble for Tom.

  He said that the Lords of the Council, fearing that some overwroughtreport of the King's damaged health might have leaked out and gotabroad, they deemed it wise and best that his Majesty should begin todine in public after a day or two--his wholesome complexion and vigorousstep, assisted by a carefully guarded repose of manner and ease andgrace of demeanour, would more surely quiet the general pulse--in caseany evil rumours _had_ gone about--than any other scheme that could bedevised.

  Then the Earl proceeded, very delicately, to instruct Tom as to theobservances proper to the stately occasion, under the rather thindisguise of 'reminding' him concerning things already known to him; butto his vast gratification it turned out that Tom needed very little helpin this line--he had been making use of Humphrey in that direction, forHumphrey had mentioned that within a few days he was to begin to dinein public; having gathered it from the swift-winged gossip of the Court.Tom kept these facts to himself, however.

  Seeing the royal memory so improved, the Earl ventured to apply afew tests to it, in an apparently casual way, to find out how far itsamendment had progressed. ?The results were happy, here and there, inspots--spots where Humphrey's tracks remained--and on the whole my lordwas greatly pleased and encouraged. ?So encouraged was he, indeed, thathe spoke up and said in a quite hopeful voice--

  "Now am I persuaded that if your Majesty will but tax your memory yeta little further, it will resolve the puzzle of the Great Seal--a losswhich was of moment yesterday, although of none to-day, since its termof service ended with our late lord's life. May it please your Grace tomake the trial?"

  Tom was at sea--a Great Seal was something which he was totallyunacquainted with. ?After a moment's hesitation he looked up innocentlyand asked--

  "What was it like, my lord?"

  The Earl started, almost imperceptibly, muttering to himself, "Alack,his wits are flown again!--it was ill wisdom to lead him on to strainthem"--then he deftly turned the talk to other matters, with the purposeof sweeping the unlucky seal out of Tom's thoughts--a purpose whicheasily succeeded.