by Lee, India
“No,” he said, simply, closing the door again.
“Hold up,” she said, pushing back against the door. “You’re not just gonna leave a lady out here when she just walked through a mob of some crazy-ass people just to get a word with you, are ya?” Azura stood there, waiting for him to invite her in. “You can’t just throw me back out there. You know the insanity that’s waiting for me in the lobby right now?” She didn’t wait for an invitation, pushing past him and sitting herself on the edge of his bed. She dangled her black leather wrapped legs in front of her, leaning back on her elbows. Her cropped, strapless bustier looked slightly overstuffed but highlighted her impossibly small waist. Her rhinestone chandelier earrings sparkled as she turned her head towards him, twisting her shiny lips into a come hither pout.
“You look like the beginning of a bad music video,” Damian said, shutting the door behind him.
“Well, excuse you,” she replied, flicking her hair over her shoulder.
“What do you want from me?” Damian asked. “Why are you following me around?”
“I think that’s obvious,” she smiled.
“Alright,” he said. He leaned back against the desk across from her, crossing his arms. “Then I should just say now that I’m not interested.”
“Why?” Azura yelled a little too loudly, sitting up.
“It’s nothing on you, I’m just not in a good place right now.”
“Really? ‘cause you looked like you were in a place to get with that thirsty bitch back at the club.”
“Stop that,” Damian pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a slight headache form. “I was drunk.”
“Oh,” Azura said, becoming surprisingly calm all of a sudden. Damian looked up to see her lean back towards the phone on the nightstand. “So let’s order ourselves some champagne and let’s see how interested you are.”
“Stop,” Damian laughed, striding towards the phone. He put his hand over hers, holding the receiver down. She looked up at him, laying awkwardly on the bed.
“Why don’t you want me?” Azura asked. Damian looked at her. So far, she had done nothing to challenge the image that the media had portrayed. In fact, she had done everything to match it. But when she asked the question, he saw a glimpse of something else. He had heard that question many times before from the various, beautiful women he had encountered who couldn’t wrap their minds around why he didn’t want to be with them. It was often a bit manipulative, meant to make Damian feel bad about turning them down.
But when Azura asked the question, it was different. She wasn’t one to hide her feelings – that was for sure. She had given enough train wreck interviews and written enough tell all songs so that anyone vaguely familiar with celebrity gossip could write an in-depth biography about her. So it wasn’t exactly shocking that she would forego any shred of dignity, like all those nameless girls in the past, to ask something as desperate as, “why don’t you want me?”
In that moment, however, the question was not just some plea for continued attention. It wasn’t some manipulative thing to say to make Damian feel bad. It was, instead, a reflection of the question he had wanted so much to ask Gemma.
Don’t think, just answer, why don’t you want me? And in the millisecond between the question and the answer, he would allow all the doubt and the fear that he ever had about their friendship, their relationship, to well up in his heart. It wasn’t something he wanted to go through. In fact, he had always hoped it would fade as the years went by. Instead, those feelings grew in him, compacted and concentrated in his chest, held down by the strong will he had to keep it from his mind.
“I don’t know you,” Damian replied. “And you don’t know me. We just met the other day.”
“I’ve read about you,” Azura said, sitting up. “And I’m sure you’ve heard about me.”
“You really want me to go by the things I’ve heard about you?” Damian smirked, lowering himself to sit on the floor before her. Azura pursed her lips, actually thinking.
“I don’t really read anything about myself. But I like reading about everyone else,” she shrugged. “I sometimes read the things people tweet at me. There are some angry people out there.”
“I’m sure,” Damian laughed.
“And I’m sure you know what I mean. Now that you’re thinking of leaving the Warriors.”
“I never said I was leaving.”
“Everyone knows you’re going to New York.”
“I never said that.”
“Yeah, but people just know.”
“They can’t just know,” Damian said. “Because I don’t even know.” Azura shrugged, inspecting her nails. She was beginning to look bored. He was glad she didn’t want to keep talking about where he’d be playing.
“I’ll make you a deal, ‘kay?” she said. “I’ll leave you alone if you just tell me why you don’t want me.”
“I was being honest before, I’m just not in a good place right now and I wasn’t thinking before with Lacey.”
“You were ‘bout to get with a girl named Lacey?” Azura sneered.
“Any man in his right mind would ‘want’ you. You don’t need to be following around one of the more boring guys in the NBA.”
“I don’t think you’re boring,” Azura said, batting her lashes. “But I don’t like your answer. You’re tryin’ to get around the question. You’re not givin’ it to me straight.” Damian sighed. Azura didn’t look like she was planning on going anywhere anytime soon and he really needed a moment to himself.
He got up, walking into the bathroom to splash some water on his face. He made a mental note to make sure Aubrey refrained from introducing him to any more girls in the future, especially ones with whatever issues Azura suffered from. Damian could hardly understand what Aubrey saw in her. It was difficult for him to believe that the two would be able to stand each other, let alone hit it off and become friendly enough to hang out. Damian closed the door behind him, locking it to make sure he wouldn’t be surprised by Azura bursting through while he changed. He put on a white t-shirt and a pair of gray gym shorts, tossing his club clothes in a pile and kicking it aside.
When he walked back out into the bedroom area, he found Azura laying on her stomach on the bed, holding his phone. He marched over and took it from her hand, cursing himself for never getting around to setting up a password.
“You’re not too into boundaries, are you?” he said, glancing at the screen to see what she had been looking at. It was his just his home wallpaper of the Warriors logo. He clicked to see the open apps. His email had been opened. “Seriously? My email? What were you even looking for?”
“I swear, I thought it was my phone and I was just gonna send an email to my manager canceling our meeting tomorrow morning,” she said, jumping to her feet and looking convincingly apologetic. “Your case looks just like mine. We even have the same wallpaper.”
“Really,” Damian replied. He held up his iPhone so the case was facing her. It was made of a rugged black rubber and meant to look like car tires. “I’m supposed to believe that the rhinestone-studded, leather-loving, mega-popstar has this phone case right here?” Azura rushed to her purse, rifling through it before pulling her phone out. She handed it to him without a word. Damian took it, smiling as he shook his head. He turned it over, looking at the rugged black structure and feeling the familiar rubber in his hands. It was indeed the same case.
“I kept breaking all the other ones,” Azura explained. “I’d drop them so often that I’d crack straight through the case and into the phone. And I was tired of replacing them because I had all these pictures and texts and stuff on it. Sentimental stuff.”
“And your wallpaper is also the Warriors logo? When everyone knows you’re a Lakers fan?” he asked. She nodded, gesturing for him to look. He unlocked her phone to find the same wallpaper. “Okay, so you’re a traitor to Los Angeles.” He laughed.
“I just changed it for the game the other day,” she said. “I
imagined maybe you’d give me shit for being into you but not your team and then I’d pull this out and show you that I was all in, you know what I mean? But you didn’t even stick around to chat.”
“Okay, okay,” Damian said. He sat down on the bed, allowing himself to sink in. “I’m sorry. For yelling at you about the phone. And not sticking around to chat.”
“And don’t worry,” Azura said. “I didn’t really see anything. On your phone.”
“Didn’t really see anything?”
“Okay. I saw one thing.”
“I figured that’s what you meant.”
“But I can pretend I didn’t see it and I won’t tell anyone.”
“Ah, well,” Damian sighed. He had probably left his draft to Gemma up. “Great.”
“And I’m sorry,” Azura blurted out.
“It’s fine, you didn’t know it was my phone, somehow we have near identical phones. I understand.”
“No, I mean…” she shrugged, leaving her bare shoulders up around her face as she bit her lip and looked up at the ceiling. “I mean, I’m sorry that you’re going through stuff. I get it. I’ve been there. I didn’t know when you said you were going through something that you were going through like, girl issues. I thought you were just cranky about everyone on your back about where you’d play next year, not that you were hung up over a girl. That’s a totally acceptable reason for why you don’t want to get with me. Even if you did go for that Lacey chick.”
“I didn’t really want to,” Damian laughed. “It was a bit of peer pressure. And wanting to feel normal again. And the fact that she kind of smelled like Gemma. And had her eyes. And even kind of sounded like her when she wasn’t putting on her stupid voice.”
“Dang. You ballers. Should’ve known. Always ending up back with the high school sweetheart,” Azura flashed her eyebrows, sitting beside Damian. “Well, why didn’t you say so before? I would’ve taken that answer and let you be.”
“Because I don’t want to talk about this,” Damian said. “Because it’s kind of sad that I’ve been hung up over a girl I dated in high school.”
“You guys weren’t a thing after that? Everyone was saying you two were runnin’ round behind Tyler Chase’s back.”
“No,” Damian replied. “I’d never do that to someone. I already feel bad about having feelings for her at all while they were still together.”
“Why?” Azura laughed. “That’s pathetic.” Damian furrowed his brows, feeling for a moment like he was talking to Aubrey. She probably would have said the same thing had he ever told her what he was feeling.
“I guess.”
“Well. Did you make a move when they broke up?”
“Yeah. I waited a little. As long as I could. Then I flew back to our hometown where she was staying and I thought about what I’d say the whole way back. Then I got there. And we were alone. And I know her, so I knew when I looked in her eye that day that she didn’t want anything more than what we had already.”
“You knew for sure?”
He nodded. “Without a doubt. She had been through a lot. Was starting a new career. She needed to be on her own.”
“How about now?”
“I don’t know.” There was a heavy silence. He stared at the floor, kicking his feet against the patterned carpet. The alcohol was completely gone and he was once again aware of the soreness in his body. He reached a hand around to rub his shoulder. Azura took his hand, lowering it to his lap before putting her on hands on his back.
“I’m not tryin’ anything, I swear,” she laughed as she rubbed his shoulders for him. “I’m just good at massages – like, real ones. Not the kind that’s meant to be all sexy and shit, though I’m good at those too. And I want you to focus on this whole Gemma thing now that you’re talkin’. So. Talk to me.” He allowed her to continue, believing her for some reason. There was a shift in the air between them. Azura had a new goal, and it wasn’t getting Damian in bed.
“There’s not much to say.”
“Are you in love with her again?” Azura asked. Damian stalled, closing his eyes and ducking his head as she worked the knot out of his back. What did she mean again? He felt himself begin to loosen up right as he was struck by a swift slap to the arm. “Answer me!” He straightened up, turning to look at Azura. She was somehow able to sit back on her feet despite the tight leather pants and was looking at him, waiting for an answer. Am I in love with Gemma again? Damian studied Azura, wondering how he’d answer. Did she phrase it that way because Nicki had happened in between? Or did she assume that it’d be natural to have fallen out of love at some point since the six years he’s known her? Or perhaps Azura had thought it too torturous, or maybe boring, that Damian had steadily truly loved just one person this whole time?
“Before I answer anything else, I need to ask you some questions,” Damian said. “I know your songs. It’s hard not to know your songs. And despite the fact that ninety-five percent of your music is about how much you hate all the men who dumped you, the NBA seems to love it. So I hear a lot of it and I know your stuff well.”
“Why, thank you,” Azura bowed her head in exaggerated appreciation.
“It wasn’t by choice,” Damian laughed. “But it’s all grown on me, I admit. And you know, when you get to hearing so much of it, you start to learn and maybe even memorize some of those lyrics.”
“Oh yeah?” Azura smiled.
“What I want to know is how you’ve loved so hard, so many times. How are you a year younger than I am and somehow survived ten times as many breakups? And how can you still want to do it all over again when according to your songs, each and every relationship completely tears you apart and incapacitates you to the degree that it does?” Azura cocked her head, staring at him as if she was still processing everything he had asked. Then, she burst out laughing.
“I don’t understand,” Azura said. “Are you asking me why I keep trying? To find love. And be happy?”
“Were you trying to find love with me?” Damian asked. “Because semi-stalking a guy is not the best way to start.”
“You’re not a stalker if you’re beautiful,” Azura replied, gazing over her shoulder at a nearby reflection.
“That,” Damian laughed. “Is not exactly true.”
“Maybe I made a bit of a fool of myself with you,” Azura said. “I’ll admit it, I do that sometimes. I’m a bit dramatic. But I like to know that I tried and failed rather than wonder what might’ve been. Call it whatever you want to call it – desperate, needy, crazy, whatever. Maybe that’s true, but that’s how I work. And until I find a better solution, that’s what I’m gonna keep doing. And if I fuck up, I’ll write a song about it.”
“Are you gonna write a song about me?”
“Why? Nothing even happened.”
“Okay, just checking,” Damian smiled.
“So,” Azura said, propping her chin up. “Do we know each other a little better now?”
“Just a little.”
“I think I know you enough now to know that you were right about not being the guy I thought you were from what I’ve read and all those rumors I’ve heard.”
“That’s good to know.”
“How about me? Am I like what everyone says?”
“Sort of,” Damian laughed. “But it’s not a bad thing, really. I like your passion.”
“I think you could use some of it,” Azura said. Damian raised his eyebrows. She paused a moment before she rolled her eyes. “Ugh, I feel like I’m going to have to be saying this a lot around you, but I’m not coming onto you, I swear. I just meant that you could stand to be a little more passionate. Instead of being some sort of emotionless superhero for everybody. Your teammates are big boys, they’ll deal when you leave their asses behind. And they’re good people from what I saw. If you need to air your feelings out and be a little emotional or something, one of them is bound to give up a hunky shoulder to cry on. You don’t have to be all quiet and broody and live inside your ow
n head if you’ve got something on your mind that you’re afraid to talk about. Open up. People are there for you like you’ve been there for them. You’ve got that Josh kid, and Aubrey, and maybe even me if you still feel like talking to me after tonight.” She took in a deep breath, cocking her head at Damian.
“Why do I have a feeling you’re not done?”
“Because I’m not,” she exhaled. “This passion thing. You gotta show Gemma some of that.”
“I have,” Damian said quickly, taken aback.
“Just cause you feel passionate about her doesn’t mean she’s seeing it.”
“She’s gotta know. I care about her more than anything in the world.”
“Look, I know you’re a baller and you can’t just go out there and write a song about her but me and Tyler Chase are on the same record label and I’ve heard some of the songs on his upcoming album and I mean, that’s passion.”
“Please don’t compare me to him. Everyone’s compared us at this point, I think the world has exhausted that topic and I thought everyone had forgotten about it by now.”
“Just let loose a little. Everything you feel about her? Show her. Don’t force it. Just let loose and give it a go. See what happens.”
“I’m not sure I can.”
“Fucking try,” Azura said, smacking him again on the arm. “Jeez, man. You let me talk that long and you’re all like, ‘ooh, I’m not sure I can.’ Please. I know you don’t like those rumors going around about you being a womanizer and all, but I’m not sure this strong silent type is workin’ out so good for you. So maybe it’s time to find something in between. Womanizers are passionate. And like I said. You need to embrace that a little. I’m not saying to be something you aren’t. You know me now, you see that I sure as hell don’t care to be something I’m not. I’m not for that phony shit at all. I’m saying be yourself, just be more yourself. Like let it out.”
“Alright,” Damian laughed. “Seriously. I get it. I’m just going to need some time to wrap my mind around it all. But I’ll work on it. This whole passion thing you insist I don’t have enough of.” He leaned back on the bed, looking at her. She was dead serious, rambling on like a cross between a cheerleader and a life coach. It was probably this side of her that Aubrey had seen and appreciated. She wasn’t that different from how the media portrayed her, but there was a lot more depth to the caricature they had created.