Horse Crazy

by Caitlin Ricci

  I opened my mouth for him without having to be asked, and when his tongue slipped between my teeth, I didn't deny him the deeper kiss. Moaning softly into his mouth, I knew I should stop him, but I was having too much fun. We pulled apart long enough to order a water each and, when they were empty, he pulled me back into his arms for another hour of dancing.

  By the time he took me home that night at around two in the morning, I was giddy as I kissed him on my front porch. I felt like I was having my first real date. Like every time before this was just practice for the moment where I stood in his arms and decided on whether or not to invite him inside.

  "Goodnight," I told him, my fingers still in the short spikes in the back of his hair.

  He smiled and tried to kiss me again, but I turned my cheek and he kissed my chin. I wanted another kiss, but my resolve was already crumbling to begin with, and I would not be bringing him upstairs after the first date for a whole host of reasons.

  "Night," Derrick said, sounding a bit resigned to his fate. But then he brightened with, "When can I see you again?"

  I smirked. "I'll be at your horse camp with my daughter tomorrow."

  Groaning, he shook his head. "That's not what I mean. When can I see just you again?"

  "When do you want to?" I countered.

  "Tomorrow night?"

  I pretended to think about it even though I already knew the answer. I even bit my lip for effect. "I'm not sure. I'll have to look at my calendar. I might be saving the world or something."

  He laughed and I smiled at him. "If you've got nothing else going on tomorrow night, why don't you come for a trail ride with me?"

  "At night?" Even with my limited knowledge on horses, I was pretty sure that wasn't the safest idea.

  Derrick shook his head. "No. We'll leave just before sundown and go for a ride together, then be back before it gets dark. After that, if you want to, you could come back to my place. I'll make you dinner. Or I'll order in and we can watch a movie on my couch."

  I hesitated even though the evening did sound wonderful. I should have told him right then, and I tried to as I said, "Derrick, I should let you know that—"

  He shook his head. "Tell me tomorrow."

  "But..." I hedged.

  "No. I'm not listening. Whatever it is, tell me tomorrow. It'll give you an excuse to come see me."

  I sighed, unwilling to fight with myself any longer, and ended up nodding. "Sure. I'll see you tomorrow."

  "At six?"

  "Yes. Hang on, where should I be?"

  He chuckled and managed to place a quick kiss on my lips before I could turn away. I wasn't sure if I would have wanted to that time, though. I liked kissing him too much to deny him for long. "I live on the property. Just park where you did today when you came for the lesson."

  He let me go, and I was instantly sad not to have his arms around me. "Will do. See you tomorrow, Derrick."

  Waving, he retreated to his truck. "Night, Melody."

  "Night."

  I went inside but stood in my kitchen, watching him go until his tail lights disappeared along the road.

  *~*~*

  The next night I was early to my date with Derrick and had a teen pop song stuck in my head. That was courtesy of Kristen, who made me listen to an entire album when we went to get ice cream while I would not tell her anything more about my date with Derrick. She only knew that I hadn't told him about my past, and though that detail hadn't seemed to matter much to her, it did to me.

  When I arrived to the barn, I had to take a few minutes to convince myself it wasn't better just to drive back home and pretend not to know him for the rest of my life. I sure wasn't planning to move again, and definitely not just because I didn't have the guts to tell a guy I really liked that I wasn't born a girl.

  "C'mon, Melody, get it together," I told myself as I drummed my fingers against the cool leather of my steering wheel. No part of me was convinced that if I got out of my car I wouldn't be telling him tonight. Yes, it was only the second date, and sure, that might have been a bit premature, especially considering the weight of what I was about to tell him.

  But it was the magnitude of that secret that had convinced me that I needed to say it. I was a good person, and Derrick deserved to know the truth if he was going to continue seeing where this thing between us was headed. That was what I kept repeating in my head as I got out of the car, made sure the button-down blouse I'd worn was still tucked into my jeans, and headed onto his property.

  I was wearing hiking boots, not the best thing for riding according to my daughter, but I didn't have anything else besides flats and heels, and at least these had a bit of grip.

  "Hello?" I called when I saw a light on in the barn as I passed it. A noise followed my call, and I slowed my walk so that I could see inside better.

  "Hey. Come on in. Fourth stall on the left."

  I followed the sound of Derrick's voice and headed in, unsure of what I would find but definitely not expecting to see him standing next to a baby horse, a bottle of milk in one hand as he fed it.

  "Hi," I said, uncertain if I should come closer or if the four feet I had between myself and the front of the stall was sufficient.

  He looked up from the horse and smiled at me. "You can come closer. She won't bite. She's too busy trying to eat her dinner."

  I took a few steps closer until I could put my arms on the wooden stall door and look over the edge at her. "She's cute. Do you feed them all? I mean, she's got a mother, right?"

  Derrick nodded and rubbed the baby's neck. She was golden in color with a pale bit of hair sprouting from her neck. The color combination made her one of the prettiest horses I had ever seen, and the way she went after the bottle was simply adorable. "She does have a mom, a dam as we call them in the horse world, but she wasn't doing all that good of a job nursing her. So I took over."

  "What color is she, in the horse world, I mean?" I smiled so that he would know I wasn't insulted by his statement or anything. I knew I was a novice when it came to horses, and I wasn't ashamed of that.

  "She's a palomino. It's a color that carries two red genes and is diluted by cream. I was hoping that she would be a cremello with blue eyes, but I'm happy having a palomino." I must have had a blank expression on my face, because he chuckled. "Sorry, I sometimes forget not everyone knows about color genetics. They're sort of my thing."

  "So my daughter has told me. Derrick, before anything else tonight, I'd like to talk to you about something." I licked my lips and hoped my heart would slow down sometime in the next few minutes, or else Derrick would have to hear my life story from the back of an ambulance.

  He gave the horse one last rub on her neck before coming out of the stall. I moved back to give him some room. He looked worried, maybe because I did too, and as much as I would have loved to have just been completely at ease, that wasn't going to be happening right now. Not until I told him my big secret. I hated that it had to be this way. Physically I was a woman; I could have just left it at that. But then again, I also wore enhancers similar to my breasts that were slowly beginning to form. I covered them with silicon until I could get the next of my surgeries, so maybe I would have to tell him at some point. Maybe it didn't have to be tonight.

  "What did you want to talk about?" he asked me as he put his hands gently on my sides. His fingertips brushed over my waist, and I stepped into his arms as I laid my hands over his collarbone.

  I decided to dive in, but to do it gently. After all, I still wanted him to teach my daughter how to ride even if he never wanted to see me again. "Derrick, I've got a bit of a secret, and it's pretty big, so just bear with me here, okay?" I started.

  He nodded, and I thought if I stared into his eyes hard enough, I could probably see him trying to figure out what I was going to say.

  Well, now that I had his attention and the moment was mine, I had no idea what I actually wanted to say or where to even begin. I'd never done this before. Everyone I'd ever told I wa
s a trans woman had already sort of known because I wasn't exactly passing as a woman at that point or, like my family, I'd simply told them and hoped for the best. This, whatever this moment was, had quickly turned into something I had no experience with, and that newness left me with more fear than I knew what to do with. "I was married, a few years ago," I started as worst-case scenarios began running through my mind.

  Derrick nodded. "I figured as much, since you have Kristen. Is he giving you problems?"

  The protectiveness I heard in his voice made me smile, and I shook my head. "No. Nothing like that. She is completely out of our lives."

  He lifted his eyebrows, and I could see him trying to work out the details. "So you were a lesbian? Or bi? And you two adopted? That's sweet."

  No, he was the sweet one. "Not quite. We didn't adopt." I stepped back, not sure if he would want me touching him after I got through telling him what I needed to. "You see, when I was born, I was named Melvin." I put my hands behind me and leaned back against a stall across from him. The five feet between us seemed like too much and yet not enough all at once.

  "I met Kristen's mom when we were really young and married her right out of high school. We were happy, for a time. I was in the army and enjoyed it. But I wasn't being myself, not in any way that really mattered. I finally couldn't take it anymore a few years ago and told her mom. It didn't end well."

  I took a breath and looked up to see what he might have been thinking, because clearly I had no idea. He was just staring at me, and so I plowed ahead, wanting him to know everything. "We moved here from Seattle to start a new life together as mother and daughter. That's who we are. I'm Kristen's mom and I'm a trans woman. She has two of them, but my ex-wife isn't interested in speaking to me right now, much less trying to work things out enough to have contact with her daughter again. I'm a single mom and that's okay by me. I'm happy as I am now, and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm really being myself as I've always known I was."

  I was crying and had to wipe the tears away from my eyes before continuing. And still Derrick said nothing as he watched me. "I care about you even after such a short time, and so I knew I wanted to tell you. And if you can't handle that I was born a boy but am in no way still one, then, well, I understand. I won't pretend it won't hurt, but that's reality. Just, for Kristen's sake, please don't make any trouble for her. Hate me if you want to, but don't make my kid miserable. She's great and she doesn't deserve that from you or anyone else."

  As I pressed my lips together, I realized I didn't have anything more to say to him. I could have gone into the surgeries I'd had done or the hormones I'd taken. If he had asked, I would have told him all of the gory details of what my body had gone through to match the person I knew existed in my mind. I touched the musical pendant against my chest, silently thankful for Kristen for being the one bright spot in my life as Melvin.

  When Derrick was still silent, I turned away and started heading out of the barn, sure I'd done the right thing but hating the way I felt now that I had.

  I'd liked him, really liked him, and as hurt as I felt at that moment I knew that Derrick would always have a special place in my heart as the first guy I'd really liked as Melody. Kissing him had been wonderful, but more than that, I'd enjoyed smiling with him, laughing because it felt good to be around him. I was really starting to cry as I walked out of the barn and headed back to my car. Taking a page from Kristen's vocabulary, I realized this really sucked. But I didn't regret telling him. I'd kick his ass if he hurt Kristen, but I knew I'd said what needed to be said, and I didn't mind the pain so much because it came from doing the right thing.

  "Melody, wait."

  I stopped short at hearing his voice behind me and slowly turned to see Derrick walking toward me. I waited as he stopped in front of me, looking like he really didn't know what to say. That was good, I supposed, because I had no idea either.

  "Thank you for telling me," he began.

  I forced myself to smile. "Sure. You're welcome."

  He was silent for another few minutes so I asked him, "Are you going to tell anyone?"

  Derrick's eyes went a bit wide, and he shook his head. "Of course not."

  "Thank you." That was a big relief, and I let a bit of my fear go at his promise.

  Nodding, he put a hand on my side. I was startled and simply stared up at him as he rubbed his thumb over my hip. "So you were a man."

  "Yes," I confirmed for him.

  "But you're not anymore."

  I shook my head. "My anatomy is female now."

  "Screw anatomy, do you feel like a woman?"

  It was a strange thing for someone to say, and so I blinked up at him for a long moment. "Yes..." I hedged, wondering why he'd said it like that.

  "When you left the barn I looked up trans," he admitted, sounding a bit uncertain about using what was likely a new word for him.

  His hand was still on me, so I guessed maybe that was a good thing. "And? What did you find out?"

  Derrick closed his eyes for a moment. "This world is a lot more complicated than I'd thought."

  I laughed and shook my head. "Yes. It is." Nothing was said between us for several long moments, and I shivered as the sun went down completely.

  "Melody?" he said.

  "Yes?"

  He licked his lips, and I tried not to focus on the movement or think about how good his mouth felt against mine.

  "Can I kiss you?" he.

  "Huh?" It was likely the least articulate thing I could have said, but my mind had gone completely blank. He wanted to kiss me? Still? After knowing all about me?

  Smiling, he tightened his hand on my hip. I liked that little bit of pressure and found myself walking closer to him. "Kiss. I'd like to kiss you again. If that's okay?"

  "Sure."

  That was it, my one-word acceptance of his kiss and all of him as he put another hand on my waist and I put my hands behind his neck, right where I liked to keep them when we were like this. The kiss started out chaste, but it didn't stay that way for long, as soon his tongue was in my mouth again. He turned me around and pressed my back against the side of the barn. I tightened my fingers in his short hair and moaned softly into his mouth as his hands left my waist to cup the undersides of my breasts.

  Needing to breathe, I pushed him back a bit and stared up at him, waiting for him to say something—anything. He didn't, though, and impatience and nerves made me go first. "What are you thinking?" I asked him.

  He shrugged and kept his hands right where they were, on my breasts. "I want this. Whatever this is between us, I want it. I like you. I like laughing with you and you make me smile. You've got a killer walk and look damn good in a pair of heels. I won't lie and say you being trans isn't new for me—because it is. But I'm willing to try because I care about you. And I think you're worth it. And right now my biggest fear is that you'll walk away and think I'm some kind of an asshole and you'll never speak to me again. I don't think I could handle that at all. Not from you. Also, I'm rambling."

  I brushed my tears off my cheeks but for a completely different reason now as I smiled up at him. "Thank you, Derrick. That means..." I didn't have words for what him saying he'd like to be with me meant to me. "A lot."

  He smirked down at me and hugged me close. I leaned against his chest and smiled into the softness of his shirt. "Want to come inside for a beer and a movie since it's a bit late for a trail ride?"

  "Yes." That sounded wonderful. He pulled away just enough to take my hand, and I followed him into his house. One movie turned into another, and by midnight, we were laughing on the couch with my legs over his lap and his hand on my thigh.

  I didn't go home that night but did bring Kristen a couple of donuts the next morning. Six more dates after that, and I knew I was in love. Eight months later, we moved in with Derrick and sold our little house. Kristen didn't mind too much since she got the beautiful little palomino foal in the process. I learned that a baby horse is a foal, just
like I learned a dozen or so other horse terms. They come in handy when I'm trying to understand Kristen and her new dad when they're talking.

  I won't pretend to be a horse expert by any means, but now, five years after we got married in our backyard, my lack of horse knowledge isn't that much of an issue. Kristen is happy and adores Derrick. And for the first, and last, time in my life, I've found real, honest love. It's a complicated and beautiful experience, but as I watch my daughter and husband ride horses in the field while I drink sweet tea on the back porch, I know that I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

  FIN

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Caitlin was fortunate growing up to be surrounded by family and teachers that encouraged her love of reading. She has always been a voracious reader and that love of the written word easily morphed into a passion for writing. If she isn’t writing, she can usually be found studying as she works toward her counseling degree. She comes from a military family and the men and women of the armed forces are close to her heart. She also enjoys gardening, hiking, and horseback riding in the Colorado Rockies where she calls home with her wonderful fiance and their two dogs. Her belief that there is no one true path to happily ever after runs deeply through all of her stories.

  Website: www.CaitlinRicci.com