A Part of Me and You

by Emma Heatherington

  Juliette shoots me a glance and rolls her eyes and we all have a laugh at Rosie’s observations.

  She looks so different today with her hair tied up in a loose ponytail and a lot less make up on. Her skin is dewy and young and now I know why she looked so familiar to me when I first laid eyes on her. We have a connection. I may not have known Skipper, but he was one of Matt’s best friends and a friend of Matt’s is a friend of mine. Now here I am standing in front of the daughter he never knew he had. I may sound a bit like Eliza with all my belief in fate and signs, but I definitely did feel a connection when I looked into her eyes on the sand dunes yesterday and now I know why.

  ‘I should have one somewhere,’ I reply as Juliette tells off Rosie once again for speaking out of turn, but I honestly don’t mind. What I would give for Lily to be here now asking for things or playing up or throwing a tantrum or being cheeky. I would give the world without hesitation.

  I find Rosie a phone charger in one of the kitchen drawers and she thanks me then bounds back outside.

  ‘I think my Merlin has a new best friend,’ I say to Juliette who watches her daughter leave, her head tilted to the side and a look of pure love on her face.

  ‘She sometimes seems like she hasn’t a care in the world, like she doesn’t have the worry of a dying mother and an absent father she never knew to deal with,’ she says to me. ‘I just wish she could be like that for a lot longer – young, innocent and carefree, but it’s all going to come crashing down soon, isn’t it? Her teenage years are going to be robbed and she’ll have to grow up overnight. My poor little Rosie.’

  I can’t let the idea of how sad that is sink in right now.

  ‘Look, if you want to find out any more about Skipper, you know, when Rosie is up for it, I can give you my details,’ I tell her, trying to give her some direction to go from here.

  ‘You will? Oh, Shelley that would mean the world to me.’

  ‘Of course I will,’ I reply. It’s the very least I can offer. ‘And she can talk to Matt and we will help her in any way we can. I don’t know a lot about her father, only what my husband has told me, but Matt will be so delighted to look you both up and tell you what he can. Oh, I wish he was here right now. He would have all the answers you’re looking for.’

  And I so know he would. Matt would be over the moon to meet Rosie and Juliette in honour of Skipper and I can’t wait to tell him all of this. And wait till I tell Eliza! She’ll be convinced that she is Mystic Meg after her prediction about the colour blue yesterday. I do feel strangely positive for having met Rosie, and now Juliette. Maybe some encounters in life are fateful after all, though my father would have a fit of hysterics if he heard this.

  ‘Are Skipper’s family local?’ asks Juliette. ‘Or is there a grave I could visit before I leave here?’

  Oh no. I was hoping she wouldn’t ask that question.

  ‘I’m afraid not,’ I tell her. ‘He wasn’t from here, you see. He was from County Waterford which is over three hours’ travel from here. I guess he must have been a regular visitor here, but no, there is no family here and no grave locally. I’m sorry.’

  To my great surprise this final bombshell doesn’t seem to be as devastating to Juliette as I thought it might be. Instead she looks a little happier for hearing it.

  ‘My grandparents are from Waterford,’ she tells me, and I can totally understand why her spirits seem to have lifted at that. ‘They’re from a town called Dungarvan, do you know it?’

  ‘Yes, I’ve heard of that place. Never been though,’ I say to her.

  ‘I have,’ she says with delight. ‘I visited there with Birgit that same summer and I can’t believe that Skipper and I didn’t cover that when I met him in Brannigan’s that night. Well, to be perfectly honest, I don’t recall a lot of what we talked about, but I’m sure I would have mentioned that should he have said where he was from. Drink, eh? Oh, to be so young and naive. I should be ashamed of myself. No wonder I’ve kept it more or less to myself for all these years.’

  I shrug my shoulders. ‘We’ve all had fuzzy nights that we’d rather file away in the back of our minds,’ I assure her. ‘But no matter what you talked about to him, don’t you feel better now knowing where he was from and that he was such a fun, talented person?’

  Juliette nods. ‘I do. Thank you so much,’ she says. ‘Plus, I can’t believe we‘ve been talking for an hour and I’ve told you my life story and you’ve barely told me one thing about yourself.’

  I freeze at the idea of it. No, I can’t go there, not right now when I am doing so well with this distraction. I don’t want to talk about me, I am sick of my life story and all of my misery. Focusing on Juliette and Rosie and Skipper and all its mystery, not to mention the great feeling I get by knowing I may be able to help them, is what I need to hold on to.

  ‘I have enjoyed it, really I have,’ I tell Juliette. If only she knew how rare this scenario is for me to be chatting over tea, in my kitchen, with a virtual stranger. ‘I am very glad you called and it looks like Rosie has enjoyed herself too. I know Merlin has.’

  ‘They both certainly have,’ says Juliette. ‘She’s like a different child after meeting you yesterday, Shelley. Look, maybe we could meet up again before we leave Killara, would that be an idea? Let me buy you a tea next time and you get to tell me your deepest darkest secrets now that I’ve spilled mine out to you!’

  Juliette laughs like it’s the most natural thing in the world for her to simply return the favour by buying me a coffee, but the very thought of doing something so … well, so normal and sociable and public, well it freaks me out, much to my own frustration.

  My anxiety returns like a bolt out of the blue at the thought of meeting her somewhere other than here, but I really do want to see both of them again. I hate being like this. I hate feeling dizzy and sweaty and tingly all over with pins and needles as soon as someone suggests something like this to me. I need to rise above it. I wish I could.

  ‘Or better still,’ Juliette continues. ‘Why don’t you join us for Sunday lunch down on the pier in that cute little Beach House Café right now? Rosie must be hungry by now and there’s no point you cooking for one – my treat? I’d love to chat more and we could bring the dog and sit outside now that the sun has decided to show its face.’

  I freeze again. My mouth dries up. I don’t know how to explain this to her. I want to go for lunch and I want to chat more down by the pier with Merlin, out in the sunshine and watching the world go by, but I don’t know if I can. The guilt rises. The panic rises. So I do what my bereavement counsellor once told me to do when I feel such an attack coming on. I look for an object, something familiar. My wedding ring … yes, that will do. I touch it. It’s real. I breathe right into my diaphragm. I twist it around my finger. I breathe more.

  ‘Shelley, are you okay?’ Juliette asks me and I just manage a nod in reply. I look down on this feeling in my mind. It will not overpower me. I am in charge. I am in control. I want to go so I will go.

  ‘I’m really sorry, but I can’t, not today, but thank you,’ I say to Juliette. Shit!

  ‘Oh,’ is her reply. ‘Okay then, I totally understand that it’s short notice for you. Some other time then, eh?’

  I nod again and manage to stammer. ‘Yes, yes, of course. Some other time.’

  Some other time? Hardly sensitive of me to agree to that. Not like she has all the time in the world though, is it? But the fear … why on earth do I have to be like this?

  Rosie comes in with Merlin again and it’s a welcome distraction.

  ‘He really is the smartest dog I have ever met. Watch this, Mum.’

  Rosie kneels down on the floor and Merlin lifts his two front paws up and places them on her shoulders which distracts me and I feel my pulse slowing down. I didn’t even know he could do that.

  ‘Good boy, Merlin!’ I say to my dog, feeling calmer already at his familiarity. ‘You must be something special, Rosie, because I’ve never ever known him t
o do that to anyone.’

  Juliette beams at this, as does Rosie.

  ‘And he can give me his paw and he lies down when I tell him,’ Rosie tells us. ‘Oh, he is just the best, aren’t you Merlin? You’re the best dog in the whole world!’

  My breathing slowly returns to normal and my heartrate slows to a regular beat as I watch this little girl work her magic on Merlin, who isn’t really used to anyone but me or Matt these days. Why does she soothe me so much? Does she remind me of what my future could have been like with Lily? Why do I feel this sense of ease and contentment when I see her? A stranger’s child, a young girl who I don’t know, yet who I long to hold tight, to look after in this big bad world when her darling mother has to leave her all on her own. She is like me, that’s why. She is about to go through exactly what I went through and I long to take that all away and give her the security she deserves … but of course, I will never be able to do such a thing.

  ‘We need to get going if we want to order lunch,’ Juliette says to her daughter. ‘Shelley, are you sure you won’t join us?’

  I want to, I want to, I so want to but I can’t.

  ‘I can’t,’ I say, squeezing my fingers. Juliette looks at my hands, then at me and then it looks like the penny has dropped.

  ‘What are you afraid of?’ she asks me. Rosie has busied herself with the dog again, delighted to have stretched out some extra time with him.

  ‘It’s just … I’m just afraid.’

  ‘Of me? Of Rosie? Of being seen out with a stunner like me in public?’

  I manage a tiny smile. ‘No, well, I—’

  My heart starts to race again.

  ‘Would you feel better if you did come?’ Juliette asks me. ‘Would it make you feel like you’ve done something positive today?’

  I nod. I can’t speak. The thought of actually doing something nice for me, fills me with such—

  ‘Guilt,’ I spit out. ‘I’d feel guilty if I went out and enjoyed myself.’

  Juliette folds her arms.

  ‘Oh no,’ she says, shaking her head. ‘Guilty if you enjoy yourself? If you have lunch out in your own home village? You can’t live like this forever, Shelley. No way! You can’t keep punishing yourself for whatever it is you feel you may have done wrong.’

  Juliette is right, of course. I need to rise above this grief and fear once and for all and put another’s needs in front of mine. I have only just met these wonderful people and I will not allow my anxiety to rule my heart for any longer. I will go. I will force myself, I will be strong for once and I will go.

  ‘Can you give me five minutes to freshen up?’ I ask Juliette, whose face instantly brightens at my turnaround. I am going to do this. I am going to believe in myself and take this all as a sign to help myself as much as I seem to have helped them.

  ‘I don’t mean to push you into anything you aren’t comfortable with, but please don’t ever feel guilty for enjoying yourself, Shelley,’ she says to me. ‘Life is way too short for that crap. Maybe you have other plans?’

  ‘Unless you count reading the Sunday papers online, or having yet another bath, or walking Merlin on the beach which I do every day, I have absolutely no other plans.’

  ‘Well, then put some lippy on and let’s get out of here. I think I owe you at least a lunch, and believe me, Juliette Fox doesn’t do lunch in halves. We will be having the works, just you wait and see.’

  I don’t think I am going to get out of this at all and I actually love that Juliette is pushing me. Normally people just give up when I say ‘no’ more than once but she is making me do this. She is pushing me to do something totally normal and as hard as I know it will be to go out and face the world socially, I know it’s what I want to do deep down.

  ‘Can you wait for five minutes?’ I ask. ‘Or I can meet you there?’

  ‘We can wait for you of course,’ she tells me. ‘Now go quickly and don’t you dare change your mind.’

  ‘I won’t change my mind,’ I say with determination. ‘Rosie, maybe you could fetch Merlin’s lead from the hallway and help me get him ready?’

  Rosie is already halfway down the hallway and Juliette flashes me a smile.

  ‘You have no idea how much this means to me, to see her so full of life and energy, Shelley,’ she says to me.

  ‘I do have an idea,’ I reply. ‘I feel it too for some reason. She’s a special girl, your Rosie.’

  ‘Well forgive me for being biased, but I honestly think she is very special indeed,’ says Juliette. ‘I suppose I’m starting to see just how amazing she is as I’m absorbing everything so much more, now that I know it’s all coming to an end.’

  ‘I can’t imagine.’

  ‘Everything in me is heightened, Shelley,’ she explains. ‘Every hurt, every fear, every little bit of love that comes my way, I feel it all at its strongest and it can be very frightening, but also very rewarding.’

  ‘Ready!’ says Rosie, clutching onto Merlin’s lead as he tries to take her for a walk around the kitchen already.

  ‘I’ll be as quick as I can,’ I tell them both and I go quickly to the bathroom where I dab my pressure points on my neck, wrists and temples with cold water, look at my reflection for ten seconds, and say a quick prayer to Lily to help me make this step today. I know she would want me to get on with my life. I know my mother is cheering me on to forgive myself and laugh a little, to see the brighter side of life again and to believe in love again, not only with Matt but also with friends and strangers alike. I do feel like I am making a big change right now. My mother is close, just as Eliza told me on Lily’s birthday yesterday.

  I can do this. I know I can.

  Chapter 12

  Juliette

  ‘Well, that was just to die for,’ I say as I scrape the last mouthful of buttered seabass and pesto mash off my plate. We are sitting outside the Beach House Café just as planned and to our delight and very much to our surprise, the sun has stayed out to greet us and it reflects off the bay as we talk and chat at ease.

  ‘I’ve never tasted crab claws before,’ says Rosie. ‘I can’t wait to tell everyone at home that I actually ate the claws of a crab! They were delicious. I think I may have a new taste for seafood, Mum.’

  I smile at my daughter. We are making memories already and she doesn’t even realize it.

  ‘This is the girl who I once had to bribe when she was three to eat fish fingers,’ I remind her and Rosie rolls her eyes. ‘And now she has developed taste buds for seafood. Who knew!’

  ‘Mum, I don’t think Shelley really wants to hear my whole life history!’ says Rosie. ‘How boring to have to listen to what a teenager used to like and dislike when they were three, seriously!’

  Oh, just when I thought I was getting away with daring to comment about her, the teenage Rosie with attitude is back in the room.

  Shelley looks like her mind is in another world.

  ‘Are you okay, love?’ I ask her. ‘Did you enjoy your food? This must be one of your favourite places here, just to sit and feel the sun on your face, the cool crisp wine on your tongue and to look out onto the sea as the world goes by.’

  But I may as well be talking Japanese. Shelley is elsewhere. Totally distracted.

  ‘My Lily always …’ she says.

  Then she stops. She takes a deep breath.

  ‘Go on?’

  ‘My Lily … my Lily always loved fish fingers,’ says Shelley and I do a double take. ‘She would have eaten them for breakfast, lunch and dinner if I’d let her. Ketchup too, of course, lots of ketch—’

  At that her voice breaks, as if it took all her energy just to tell that one simple anecdote.

  ‘Lily?’ I ask gently. ‘Is that … is that your daughter, Shelley?’

  I dread to think what I am about to hear, but suddenly this poor woman’s nervous energy now is beginning to make sense.

  ‘That’s what you called me last night on the sand dunes, isn’t it?’ says Rosie in a whisper. ‘You thought I
was Lily?’

  Shelley nods in reply, already in a state of despair.

  ‘I’m sorry about that Rosie, but you’re not the first girl I’ve mistaken for Lily,’ she says. ‘I just can’t help but see her everywhere I go and it’s killing me inside.’

  Her eyes fill up and they dart around, looking anywhere but at her present company. Oh God.

  No one can speak. I honestly don’t know what to say. I put my hand out to reach hers but she pulls away and puts it up to cover her mouth.

  ‘I’d forgotten how much she loved some foods until you said it,’ she whispers, the tears now streaming down her face. ‘It’s funny the little things you forget until something triggers off a memory and then I have to realize all over again that she’s gone.’

  ‘Shelley, I am so, so sorry!’ I say to her. ‘You poor darling. All this time I’ve been talking about my own tales of woe and you’ve been going through your own hell. I am so sorry.’

  ‘I knew I shouldn’t be here,’ she says, standing up and gathering her belongings in a hurry. ‘I really should get home and stay on my own where I don’t cause a fuss. Thank you both, thank you for lunch. I knew this was a bad idea. I’m not ready. I knew it.’

  ‘You don’t have to go, Shelley,’ says Rosie. ‘We haven’t finished yet. If I’m being brave then maybe you can too?’

  Her eyes continue to skirt around us and I follow them to notice the stares of other diners watching us from all corners of the patio and then to my horror they start to whisper at the commotion, looking directly at poor Shelley.

  I overhear one saying that’s the lady whose daughter died so tragically when—

  ‘What the hell are you all staring at?’ Shelley yells at them, in a very uncharacteristic outburst. ‘Do you know how long you’ve been staring at me now for? Three years! Three long lonely years of being stared at! Yes, it’s me, the Jackson lady who left her daughter for seconds and it went terribly wrong! Yes, it’s me! Stare and stare and stare like you always do and whisper your own conclusions! Stare all you want but it won’t help me or my pain! Nothing will so you can all feck off because nothing is going to make this easier or harder on me. Nothing!’