A Part of Me and You

by Emma Heatherington

  But Eliza is on a different wavelength altogether.

  ‘That’s sad indeed,’ she says. ‘Now, excuse me for changing the subject, but let’s get back to this wonderful big step you have taken to leave this village today! What would you like to do when we get into town, love? How about we start with a nice brunch out in the sunshine and we take it from there? We will have a lovely time, I promise.’

  My tummy rumbles at the very idea of a sumptuous brunch in the sunshine, and Eliza turns up her sound system with The Eagles blasting out, the music making heads turn as we leave the stone walls of the village and swing out on to the main open road.

  ‘That would be just perfect,’ I tell her, and I tilt my head back and look up to the sky, smiling with gratitude for this beautiful day and the new strength I am finding from within. This time I know exactly who I am thanking. I see her little hands again and the look in her eyes touches my heart and warms it up a little. Thank you, Lily. I feel you with me every day.

  Juliette

  I watch Rosie as she delves into the most indulgent whipped ice cream, complete with sprinkles, a flake, and the whole works. That’s when Sarah, Shelley’s friend from yesterday’s horse-riding escapade spots us as she is leaving Brannigan’s Bar across the road with her young daughter in tow.

  ‘Hey there! How are you two today? That looks very good indeed,’ she says and Rosie and I nod in agreement.

  ‘It’s the best ice cream ever,’ says Rosie, who has had a complete turnaround on her opinion of Killara since Shelley came on the scene. Everything is now ‘wonderful’, ‘amazing’ and ‘the best ever’ and I have no intention of putting her off her notions as I totally agree. Even the ‘crappy’ wi-fi doesn’t seem so big a deal anymore.

  ‘Have you seen Shelley today?’ she asks Sarah. ‘I wonder what she’s up to?’

  I sigh and laugh lightly. Sarah saw Shelley for the first time properly in a long time only yesterday even though they both live in the same village and I don’t want Sarah to be reminded of that as it was such a big deal for them both.

  ‘Rosie, love, I told you that we can’t expect Shelley to be our tour guide every day we are here. Sorry, Sarah,’ I say to Shelley’s friend. ‘So this must be Teigan? Am I right? What a gorgeous girl you are.’

  Sarah puts her hand on her daughter’s shoulder and the little girl smiles a toothy grin up at me. She really is such a cutie with brown curls to die for, big green almond eyes like her mother and a dimple when she smiles. I can totally understand how looking at her must be heart-breaking for Shelley.

  ‘I’m going to be a big six tomorrow,’ Teigan announces and we all wow in amazement. ‘And I’ve grown two inches since my last birthday. My daddy measured me.’

  Sarah hugs her close with a proud smile.

  ‘I only wish I was six tomorrow and that I could grow two inches taller,’ I say to Teigan who shies now in to her mother’s leg. ‘But my days of being six and growing any taller are long gone.’

  Sarah looks on at her daughter with great affection.

  ‘As are mine,’ says Sarah. ‘Oh, to be carefree and six years old again!’

  ‘I’m having a princess and ponies party,’ whispers Teigan timidly and Rosie perks up at this.

  ‘I would love to have a princess and ponies party,’ she says. ‘That’s the best theme I’ve ever heard. Mum, I know I’m going to be sixteen next birthday but I am so having that theme for my next party. That’s so cool, Teigan!’

  I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach when I think of Rosie’s birthday which will be in May of next year and which I won’t be here for.

  Sarah swiftly steps in.

  ‘We sampled some of that delicious ice cream the other evening when we bumped into Shelley up the road a bit, just outside her shop, didn’t we Teigan? Oh that’s right,’ says Sarah. ‘You walked Shelley home of course. Sometimes my memory … it must be old age creeping up on me!’

  ‘You only think you’re bad. Mum is the worst for forgetting things,’ says Rosie. ‘She forgets everything these days, don’t you, Mum! You couldn’t be as bad as she is!’

  Sarah gives me a sympathetic smile and again swiftly changes the subject.

  ‘So, what’s on the agenda today, girlies?’ she asks. ‘Anything nice?’

  ‘Well, actually,’ I tell Sarah. ‘We have a wonderful afternoon planned and you are very welcome to join us if it suits you. We are finally going out on a boat to view the famous Cliffs of Moher. Rosie has never been on a boat before. Well, she has been on a ferry obviously on the way here, but it’s not the same thing, is it?’

  Sarah breaks into a smile.

  ‘No, it is definitely not the same thing,’ she says. ‘I would love to go out with you and thank you so much for the invitation, but I’ve my toddler to pick up at lunch time from crèche and Toby and speedboats are not a good mix. Teigan and I were just in there chatting to my mum to see if she could have him for even an hour as Teigan has a dental appointment but she’s too busy. She runs the B&B at Brannigan’s.’

  I look behind Sarah to the infamous green building where my journey began in this village and my tummy gives a whoosh.

  ‘Gosh, I didn’t realize you had a family connection to Brannigan’s?’ I say to her. I don’t want to sound over-curious or surprised, but I really didn’t have any idea. ‘Is that your mum’s place?’

  ‘Yes, that’s my whole family,’ Sarah explains. ‘We are Brannigan, well I was before I was married. I grew up in that building. We have a family home to the rear and then the front rooms are all for tourists. I thought Shelley may have mentioned that to you but I’m sure you have had more important things to talk about than my family history.’

  I look up to the windows of the B&B, and get flashbacks to the room I stayed in – the lady who tutted at me when I couldn’t find the key to my room at such an ungodly hour and how Skipper didn’t want her to recognize him and waited outside until the coast was clear before I could let him in to join me upstairs. Shit. That must have been Sarah’s mother.

  ‘I hope I don’t get seasick when we go out on the boat,’ says Rosie, bringing a welcome interruption to my awe at Sarah’s home being where I first stayed and the possibility of her own mother being that very woman who we woke up so late at night. ‘I hope Shelley can come. I bet she’s working though.’

  I can’t help but let out a sigh again. ‘Shelley is very popular right now, as are you too after your generosity yesterday,’ I say.

  ‘Well, that’s not a bad thing to hear at all,’ Sarah responds. ‘I’m delighted to be popular. If only I was as popular with my own children sometimes!’

  Teigan looks up at her, totally oblivious to what Sarah is getting at.

  ‘Look, I know you’ve probably got a hundred and one things to do this morning,’ I say to Sarah, ‘but do you have time for a coffee and a bun across the road? My treat? I’d like to do something to thank you for going to all that trouble yesterday. We really did have such fun, didn’t we Rosie?’

  Rosie nibbles at the remainder of her ice cream cone and then responds.

  ‘It was such fun, yes,’ she says to Sarah. ‘Thank you so much. Dizzy was the cutest horse—’

  ‘Ever!’ I say at the same time as her and we all have a giggle.

  ‘Okay, I think we have time for a coffee and a bun,’ says Sarah. ‘Teigan, don’t tell your brother and daddy that we were eating yummy stuff without them when we get home, will you?’

  Teigan claps her hands with glee and we cross the road to the little coffee shop where we take our time to marvel at the range of delights on display. Chocolate éclairs bursting with fresh cream, zingy lemon tarts with juicy strawberry toppings, wedges of mint Aero cheesecake and a rainbow of cupcakes dance in front of us and even after tasting a little of Rosie’s whipped ice cream, I can’t resist sampling just a little something from the menu.

  ‘You only live once so feck the diet,’ I hear Sarah mutter, obviously trying to rid herself of any
guilt associated with divulging in so many calories.

  ‘You’d better believe it,’ I whisper to her and she bursts out laughing at being caught out talking to herself.

  ‘We women really are hard on ourselves when it comes to treats, aren’t we?’ she says.

  ‘Everything in moderation,’ I say to Sarah and she perks up at my thinking. ‘Go for what you fancy, go on, and don’t even think about it again except for how much you enjoyed it.’

  I choose a hazelnut latte with lemon tart and Sarah has an americano with an éclair, while the girls slurp on milkshakes and carry cupcakes outside to the little terrace, to one of its dainty metal tables on which there is barely enough room to hold all of our treats.

  ‘Teigan, shall we move over to the next table on our own?’ asks Rosie. ‘You can tell me all about your party and what it’s like going out on the boat because I’ve never been before, and you can also tell me all about that little rascal Dizzy. I really loved meeting him yesterday.’

  ‘Oh, that’s a wonderful idea,’ says Sarah as she helps them set up on the next table and they settle down with their treats. ‘Teigan has been out sailing lots with her dad so she knows lots of tips and also how not to get seasick. Don’t forget to tell Rosie how important it is to wear a life jacket, won’t you Teigan?’

  Teigan looks thrilled to bits to be given such a responsible task and I am so proud of Rosie for taking the little girl under her wing and including her in the conversation. She was always so good with little ones and I just know she would have loved a younger sister or brother, someone to share her life with, someone to call on unconditionally – someone like I have in Helen. Yes, she has her cousins, Helen’s boys, but it’s not the same. They are a tight unit of five in that family and I really don’t know if Rosie will fit in when she goes to live with them. Maybe she’d be better off with my mum and dad, though with Mum’s own health worries and they aren’t getting any younger … oh, I can’t bear to think of that now.

  ‘What a delightful young daughter you have there, Juliette,’ Sarah says to me and I sit up a little straighter at the compliment. ‘It’s so kind and thoughtful of her to include Teigan and make her feel like a big girl. She’s a special young lady, for sure. Shelley told me she was and I can already see why.’

  ‘She really is,’ I reply. I can’t help but agree. ‘I may be totally biased, but she’s a real ray of sunshine in my life. I can’t even imagine what I would have done had she not come along, and believe me, I had lots of plans that didn’t involve having children. Isn’t it strange how life takes you in such different directions sometimes, yet it always works out to teach you something or make you a better, stronger person?’

  We tuck into our sweet delights and Sarah looks surprised to hear this.

  ‘Were children not in your plans, then?’ she asks. ‘I have to admit when I got pregnant with Toby, my youngest, the shock nearly killed me and I still can’t figure out how it happened but I wouldn’t change it now for the world, of course.’

  ‘I didn’t plan to have one on my own,’ I clarify. ‘It’s not that I’d said I would never have children at all, I just hadn’t planned that far ahead I suppose. Life threw me a big challenge and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but sometimes we only realize these things when we have to sit back and reflect on where we are, where we thought we’d be and how we got here.’

  I hope I’m not being too deep and meaningful but I think Sarah is still interested in what I have to say.

  ‘Yes, life certainly does take us in all sorts of directions,’ she agrees with me. ‘Even when it comes to relationships, yes? Like, when we are young and in love with being in love, we really do believe it will last forever, or when we make friends we think they will be friends for life and it doesn’t always work out that way, but if someone told you that at the time, you’d never believe them.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  We sip our coffees and a few seconds of silence follow. I can’t help but envy her as I notice her glance over at her daughter who is chatting away to Rosie without a care in the world. How I wish that Rosie was secure in her life like that with a healthy mum, a little brother and a loving dad to go home to every day. Horse-riding on the beach, shopping with her mum, planning birthday parties … I lose my breath a little in self-pity and try to realize that none of this is Sarah’s fault. Everyone has their own cross to bear, as my grandmother used to say.

  ‘I do look back and cringe at some of the boys and men I thought I would spend the rest of my life with,’ says Sarah with a smile. ‘And then after searching the whole of Ireland and beyond, I ended up marrying my next-door neighbour and I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t see that one coming!’

  She couldn’t be happier … stop it, Juliette. Stop. Maybe some people do have life a lot easier. Maybe I’m just being bitter and jealous because it’s not working out for me. We can’t all find love and happily ever after with the boy next door, can we?

  I happened to go a bit further afield to marry, but I don’t want to share that part of my life right now with Sarah. I went to Cornwall to be precise and the pain of how it all turned out so wrong chokes me up and I can’t even bring myself to talk of my own husband to this lovely lady.

  Oh, Dan. My lonely, lost soul Dan, who is back in Birmingham battling and trying so hard to stay on the straight and narrow when it comes to his drinking, which has ripped the foundations out from our marriage and is tearing us both apart if we both could stop to admit it. Life, eh?

  ‘I thought I was going to travel the world and then settle down in a place just like this,’ I tell Sarah who is wiping cream from the sides of her mouth as she enjoys her éclair. ‘When I first came here sixteen years ago, I didn’t think it would be so long until I’d get the chance to return. I had visions of making my fortune or raising enough to buy a small property and moving somewhere like here where I’d walk and write and paint and do all sorts of beautiful relaxing things at peace by the sea.’

  ‘That’s so nice that you have come back after all these years,’ she says. ‘Was it summer time when you were here? And note how I use the term summer lightly. We tend to have all sorts of weather here no matter what month of the year it is, so hurray for today’s burst of sunshine.’

  ‘I was here in August ,’ I tell her and I can’t help but glance up at the window of the room I stayed in again as I remember it all. That window is like a magnet every time I go past it, urging me to look up and acknowledge its part in all of this.

  ‘That would have been the summer after my first year at, university, I think … most of my friends were away that summer, now that I think of it,’ Sarah explains to me. ‘A few of us went to Wildwood in New Jersey when we broke from uni and I think that Matt, Shelley’s husband, was living in Dublin with his then-girlfriend. They broke up shortly after that summer though and then Shelley moved here, they fell head over heels in love and the rest is history.’

  I smile at hearing Shelley’s love story from her friend and I’m glad that my fleeting moment of envy has passed. I really do hope that Shelley finds peace and happiness again with Matt, who I sense she is having difficulties with at the moment as she struggles with her horrible grief and loss. It must be hard to be apart at such a difficult time.

  ‘And so you never did find a place to live like this then?’ Sarah asks me. ‘Can I ask why? You don’t have to tell me of course if you don’t want to.’

  I pause. I am not sure how much of my story to divulge to Sarah, or how much she really wants to hear.

  ‘Well, no, I didn’t ever get that far,’ I tell her. ‘My life didn’t work out that way.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she says.

  Goodness me, I must look sad and I don’t mean to be sad.

  ‘Oh no, you see, I found out I was expecting Rosie when I returned from here,’ I explain. ‘My life took a very different turn for me, that’s all. I needed my family around me as I would be raising her alone but I always still had thi
s hope of settling by the sea, maybe when Rosie left for university, or maybe when she put down roots of her own somewhere or hopefully, set off to travel the world. That was my plan, but my life still isn’t really going according to plan now, is it?’

  Sarah looks on with deep sadness. ‘Are you sick, Juliette? I didn’t like to pry earlier in your business, but—’

  ‘The wig gave me away, didn’t it?’ I joke and Sarah looks at me in protest, but I shake my head to reassure her.

  ‘No, I just—’

  ‘I am very, very sick, yes. I am dying.’

  Her hand goes to her mouth. I shouldn’t have said that so bluntly, but it’s the truth isn’t it? And saying it aloud like that for the very first time is somewhat liberating.

  ‘So I should probably just stop making plans and then I won’t be disappointed,’ I say, stirring the froth on my latte. ‘Not that I want any sympathy, please don’t get me wrong. We are here in Killara now to enjoy ourselves and that’s what I fully intend to do from now on in life, however long it lasts.’

  I smile and shrug at Sarah whose hands slowly come back to the table. She has gone pale.

  ‘How long do you think that might be?’

  My throat dries up when I think about it.

  ‘I’m not holding much hope for longer than a few months,’ I say to her. ‘Every day now is a bonus. I’d so love to see one more Christmas and maybe it will snow this year, just for me. I’d love to see just one more white Christmas.’

  Sarah’s face has frozen in shock and I’m sorry that I have brought her down like this. She looks over at Rosie and Teigan who are chatting animatedly about horses and boats and birthdays, of course. She looks at me, then she looks at her coffee, then she looks at me again.

  ‘I honestly don’t have any idea what to say to you, Juliette,’ says Sarah, closing her eyes now. ‘I’m so sorry to hear your news.’

  ‘You don’t have to say anything, honestly,’ I tell her. ‘You’ve been more than kind to us and I won’t forget it. You have no idea how much it meant to us both yesterday to spend those precious moments on the beach together like that. It was a memory that I will cherish until my very final moments. I will never forget Rosie’s face.’