A Part of Me and You

by Emma Heatherington

  ‘So, did you buy anything nice?’ I ask her, looking at my nails as I speak and reminding myself that I really do need to take more care of my appearance. ‘I’m hoping to take Rosie shopping tomorrow, all being well. I’m sure Galway was buzzing today, was it?’

  ‘Of course it was,’ says Shelley. ‘It always is this time of year. It was nice to get away from here for a change of scenery, but …’

  I wait for her to continue.

  ‘Are you there, Shelley?’

  ‘Yes, yes I’m here,’ she says much to my relief. ‘Oh, there are no buts at all about a morning in Galway, Juliette. Just ignore me. It was lovely and it was nice to spend some time with Eliza. She’s such a darling and makes me feel good from the inside out. I should really be in her company more. She’s so different to my own mother and of course no one can ever take my mother’s place, but she’s got my back and I feel safe with her. I need to do things with her more often, for both of our sakes.’

  I want to hug her and cheer her on even more. She has so much more to give to her life and she is finally starting to see that.

  ‘That is so good to hear,’ I tell her and I really mean it. I am sitting on a picnic bench across from the cottage watching the boats come in and out from their day’s fishing as I wait for Rosie to get her stuff together and if Shelley hadn’t called, I’d probably have ended up moping or weeping and feeling sorry for myself. I keep thinking, or should I say, worrying about Dan and wondering if it was a good idea to leave him out of this trip when I know it would have done him the world of good to get some time away from reality. If only he would get sober enough to make that decision easier.

  ‘It’s a pity you’re at work, as it’s such a beautiful day outside. I’m not sure this good spell is meant to last so I’m lapping it up while I can. Tell me, do you think you’ll be busy all day?’

  She pauses. ‘I’m not sure, why?’

  ‘I was going to suggest you pack up for the day and come and join us? You’ve had a great day, the sun is shining. I think you should come and have some more fun when the going is good.’

  ‘You always have the best ideas, Juliette,’ she tells me, brightening a little more. ‘Life is too short for shit, isn’t that what you told me the other day?’

  I shrug and laugh in response. I can’t remember if I did say that, but what’s new there lately? According to Rosie, I’ve the worst memory ever, after all.

  ‘I may have said that at some stage,’ I say to Shelley with a giggle. ‘I tend to spew out lots of little mottos now that I’m on death’s door so don’t feel the need to take all of them seriously.’

  ‘I’m going to finish up here right now,’ Shelley announces. ‘I’ll put a note on the door and I’ll go out and get some of that sunshine on my face. I am going to miss you when you leave here you know that, Juliette! You are like flames under my feet every morning, like the push that I’ve needed for so long. I’ll never forget you for it.’

  Well, I feel honoured at that and I remember Sarah’s words from earlier when she said we had helped Shelley so much, then a wave of fear overcomes me when I think of how she might be after we leave. She will never see me again, yet I am not sure she is even thinking that way. When I leave here, I will be leaving to die.

  ‘You can come and join us if you want?’ I suggest again, wondering if she is wanting me to say what she is already thinking and hoping that I can keep her spirits up for a bit longer before I do go. ‘I don’t want to pressure you, but the invitation is there and you would be very welcome. I think Rosie is your number one fan so she would be delighted.’

  I hear Shelley breathe in and out again. I breathe in and out again. I am tired, more tired than I will ever admit, and it’s starting to gnaw at my bones and although I’ve been denying it to myself, I am light-headed and dizzy more often than I’m not these days.

  ‘Ah, that would be such a perfect way to spend the afternoon. Are you sure you don’t mind?

  ‘Of course I don’t mind!’ I tell her. ‘We’d both love to have you come along!’

  She asks me where I am right now and I explain my exact location.

  ‘I’m directly across from the cottage, sitting on a picnic bench with the wind in my hair and looking like I haven’t a care in the world,’ I tell her, trying to force mind over matter. ‘All I need is a glass of something bubbly and I’ll be sorted.’

  ‘Well if that’s the case, don’t move an inch and I’ll join you very soon,’ says Shelley. ‘I’ll just pop home and get changed and … oh, I don’t have my car with me today. Ah, maybe I’m being too spontaneous and irrational. I’ll just—’

  ‘Go!’ I tell her. ‘Walk up to the house now and drive back to me with whatever it is you need to take with you for the afternoon. Rosie is just starting to get ready so you know how long that will take and our excursion isn’t due to take off for another twenty-five minutes. We have time. Don’t change your mind! Go!’

  ‘Perfect,’ says Shelley. ‘That’s just what I needed to hear. I’m going.’

  ‘That’s it, Shelley,’ I tell her. ‘I want you to always remember something.’

  She pauses. ‘Of course? What is it?’

  ‘Always make the most of the sunshine, in any way you can,’ I tell her. ‘I want you to promise me that when I leave here, you will always look for the sunshine even in your darkest days. Always look for the rainbow and you’ll find it. Try not to focus on the dark.’

  ‘I will, I promise,’ whispers Shelley. ‘You’ve made me realize that there is sunshine in every day if we open our eyes and look for it. You’re an inspiration and I’ll never forget you.’

  When I’m gone, she means. She doesn’t say it but I hear her finish the sentence in the silence. And then she hangs up the phone before I get a chance to say goodbye. I tilt my head back and up to the sun and I marvel at the warmth on my face, the brightness when I close my eyes. I’m feeling very tired today but I won’t let it beat me. I won’t let my sunshine days be over just yet.

  Shelley and Leo, who is taking us out on his private boat, walk down the hill towards me together, chatting harmoniously, and I instantly realize that everyone knows everyone around here. This warmth of Irish village life is what I fell in love with all those years ago – the camaraderie, the community spirit, the knowledge that help and support is only ever a little while away was what I had dreamed of experiencing in my own everyday life. And yes there are the gossips, the whispers and the ‘do-gooders’ but all in all, that security and simplicity of everyone knowing your name is something that always appealed to me over living in a large anonymous city where your neighbour is a stranger.

  ‘Shelley tells me she’ll be joining us,’ says Leo with a hearty smile. ‘You must be Juliette?’

  I shake Leo’s hand and his firm greeting almost takes my arm out of my socket but what else would I expect from a sailor like him. His arms are muscular and strong and his weather-beaten face is open and friendly. I like him instantly.

  ‘Shelley, I am so freakin’ excited!’ says Rosie and to my delight and surprise, Shelley puts her arm around my daughter. There is a glow around the people here and yes, they have suffered with loss and tragedy like any corner of the world, but I adore how they reach out to each other and to strangers and visitors alike. Seeing that Rosie can be loved by people like Shelley, who has only known her for a few days, reassures me that life for my daughter will indeed go on when I’m no longer here.

  ‘You will love it,’ says Shelley. ‘This is Rosie, Leo. She’s fallen in love with Killara, I think.’

  She’s fallen in love with Shelley, I want to say and I don’t mean that in any way other than that my daughter is mesmerised by Shelley and all they have in common, not to mention her dog and her magnificent home and shop, and how she arranged for us both to go horse-riding yesterday plus how she has been a confidante since finding her on the sand dunes on Saturday.

  ‘Well, we can’t blame you for that, young lady,’ says Leo and he
gives me a wink and a smile. ‘When people come to Killara on holiday, they always come back or else they simply stay, don’t they Shelley?’

  Shelley nods in agreement.

  ‘I came here on holiday and I ended up staying forever,’ says Shelley and a pang of remorse shoots at me like a dart. I wish I had done the same thing, now. I could have had such a beautiful, peaceful life by the sea just like I had always dreamed of and maybe, who knows, things would have worked out differently for me in many ways.

  ‘I want to keep coming back here forever,’ says Rosie, linking both Shelley and I by the arm. ‘I don’t even want to think about going home. Mum, can we just stay here forever?’

  I give her arm a squeeze. Forever is a long time, or so the saying goes but just how long is my forever? Days? Weeks? A few months? I wish so much that we could all press pause right now and make my forever last, to give me a chance of making sure she will be okay, to talk to her and tell her all the things that I need her to know before I go. Focus, I remind myself. Live in the present, not the past. No regrets. Sometimes though, it’s not that easy.

  ‘So, if you want to follow me further down the pier then, ladies,’ says Leo, ‘I’m going to be your captain, or your skipper if you like, on this very exclusive boat trip, and on today’s excursion you will see, all being well, some of the Atlantic’s finest landmarks and also some of its most exclusive wildlife.’

  Rosie gives us both a squeeze now.

  ‘Excited dot com!’ she says to all three of us. ‘This is going to be unreal!’

  ‘And so you should be, young lady. Let’s hope the puffins come out to play or maybe even a whale if we’re lucky,’ says Leo and I think my child is about to levitate with excitement.

  ‘I have a feeling they will,’ says Shelley. ‘They normally like to peep out and say hello to new faces. I have a good feeling about today.’

  I am still fluttering inside from when Leo used the word ‘skipper’ but Shelley doesn’t seem to have noticed. Maybe it’s nerves, or maybe it’s just sadness for the man who fathered my child, but I feel a bit sick right now, not to mention these dizzy spells, and if it wasn’t for Rosie’s enthusiasm and the fact that I had made such a big deal of today and this boat trip, I’d gladly sit this one out.

  ‘Are you okay, Juliette?’ Shelley asks me. ‘You look a bit pale all of a sudden.’

  ‘Oh don’t tell me you’re seasick already, Mum,’ laughs Rosie, but I can see that she is worried inside. ‘Mum?’

  ‘I’m fine! Ship ahoy!’ I say to both of them and I put both my thumbs up. Then we each take Leo’s hand in turn and step on the boat, and follow his health and safety instructions as we put on our life jackets. A dull pain kicks in at the back of my head as we set sail but I don’t want to ruin this moment by mentioning it. I’m fine. Maybe if I keep saying those two words out loud, I will actually be fine. But I am not of course and I will never be fine. This pain, has come on so strong today and the tiredness is exhausting me, and I’m not fine. I am scared. I am absolutely terrified. Please don’t let this happen to me already. I’m not ready yet. I don’t want to die, please don’t let me die!

  ‘I hope you’ve more sea-legs than your husband, Shelley,’ says Leo and Shelley rolls her eyes at what is obviously a long running joke to the locals about Matt and his intolerance of all things boat-related.

  ‘I’m like a child in a sweet shop,’ says Shelley back to him. ‘This is one of my favourite things to do in the whole wide world. Let’s go, Leo! Aye, aye captain!’

  And at that we are off and I look behind as we sail out at speed onto the bay and leave Killara and all its colourful brightness in the distance, including Brannigan’s with its green walls and its loaded memories.

  I honestly don’t feel so good but I cannot let this sickness take over me now. I close my eyes and let the speed of the wind and the splashes of the water waken my senses and I thank God for how good it is to be alive.

  Shelley

  ‘Rosie! Juliette! Look, the puffins!’

  Rosie is practically Leo’s best friend by now as we sail out onto the choppier waters, far from Killara and the stillness of the bay. The cliffs come into view and I do think that Rosie is going to jump out of her skin with excitement at the majestic sight and I look around to make sure that Juliette is taking everything in, but she doesn’t seem to be enjoying it as much as her daughter, or as much as she herself believed she would.

  ‘Juliette, you don’t look well,’ I say to her over the sound of the boat’s motor and the spray that comes off the water. ‘Are you cold? I should have said to you that it gets a bit nippy when you sail out this far.’

  I sit beside her and look at her face which is more ashen in colour than the usual shade of green that comes with seasickness.

  ‘Ssh,’ she says to me, nodding up towards Rosie who is bending Leo’s ear with questions about puffins and whales and dolphins and the like. ‘I don’t want to ruin this for her. What an absolute treat on the eyes. It’s amazing.’

  I follow her eyeline up to the cliffs as Leo sails in as close as he can get to the famous Cliffs of Moher. Larger tour boats from County Clare sail ahead of us but Leo skirts in more intimately than they ever could and I marvel at how no matter how many times I have made this trip during my time in this part of the world, it always takes my breath away.

  ‘It’s the most beautiful country in the world,’ says Juliette and she looks up in awe at the wondrous view. ‘I always loved Ireland. I feel so at home here, isn’t that strange?’

  I look at her knowing exactly what she means. I’ve heard it so many times from tourists who come into my shop and who absorb everything about our homeland in a way that we locals never do, as we can often take it for granted.

  ‘Juliette, a part of you will always be here, you know that,’ I whisper to her and when I look into her eyes I can see that she is crying. I link her arm, just as Rosie did with us both earlier and she leans her tired head on my shoulder.

  ‘I need to see Dan,’ she says to me. ‘I miss him.’

  ‘Of course you do,’ I say to my new, oh so brave friend. She has just a few more days in Killara and then she will be gone from here, then gone forever and I dread the thought of it, but something tells me that Juliette will never be far from me or from here. She has touched something within me, she has lit a spark inside me that has brought me to life and that won’t just go away no when we’re apart. I feel stronger for knowing her and I don’t think that the part of her that is now within me will ever really go

  ‘Look at Rosie, Juliette,’ I whisper. ‘Look at how this place suits her so well. There is a part of this place in her blood, can’t you see it?’

  Juliette nods and smiles through her tears as we both watch Rosie who can’t decide if it’s more important to watch through her own eyes what she is experiencing or via her phone as she snaps everything she wants to share with her friends.

  ‘She is loving every moment of it and I have you to thank for so much of what she’s experienced so far,’ Juliette says. ‘These are the days she will remember the most, I hope.’

  ‘And there’s more to come,’ I say to her. ‘Would you mind if I cook for you both tonight?’

  Juliette’s eyes widen in delight. ‘At your place or ours? That would be a real treat!’

  ‘I’ll come to you if you don’t mind,’ I tell her. ‘It’s cosier and at least you can slip off to rest if you want to. I’ll bring all the ingredients and cook a nice supper.’

  ‘Deal,’ says Juliette, and she leans her head on my shoulder again. I can tell she is slowing down by the look on her face. Something has changed, like her spark is slowly flickering. She looks tired, a little paler and the way she reaches out to me physically to lean on me or to just hold my hand as we sail along tells me that she is scared inside. I look out onto the water and fight back tears as the reality of losing Juliette when I have only just found her hits me properly for the first time. I need to help make her final days
in Killara as comfortable and special as I can so that she knows how much I appreciate her. My next plan for them both needs to kick into place as soon as possible. I am excited and moved at the very thought of it.

  I arrive as promised armed with a wicker basket full of local produce at Juliette’s cottage later that evening and make my way to the kitchen, ordering Juliette to rest up on the sofa while Rosie and I get stuck into supper.

  ‘Do you like spag bol?’ I call into her. She is snuggled up under a fleecy throw in her pyjamas and Rosie, who is also in her pyjamas, is on cloud nine because as well as cooking up a storm in the kitchen we are also cooking up a plan of our own.

  ‘It’s my favourite dish ever,’ shouts Juliette and Rosie gives me a high five. We have so got this.

  ‘I told you it was her favourite,’ she says to me. ‘She loves anything Italian, especially the men, ha!’

  ‘Good taste! So, did you think about what I asked you earlier?’ I ask as she chops onions beside me like the perfect little assistant.

  ‘Yes, I have the playlist made,’ she tells me in a whisper. ‘It’s all ready to go. I have Prince on there, some INXS, a few Meatloaf tracks and what was the other one you told me to find?’

  ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go?’ I suggest.

  ‘That’s the one,’ she says. ‘Yes, I just Googled ‘80s classics and most of what you thought Mum might like came up, so all I need now is the you-know-what and that was your part of the bargain.’

  I smile at Rosie and signal at her to throw the onions into the pan and soon, with a touch of garlic and oregano, some salt, black pepper, green peppers and mushrooms as well as mince and tomato sauce, we are almost ready to serve – with spaghetti, a sprinkle of parmesan and a basil leaf on top.

  ‘Voila!’ I say to Rosie. ‘Take that in to your mum.’

  ‘That’s French,’ she corrects me and I shrug. What’s a language blooper between friends?

  We tuck in to our taste of Italy in front of the evening’s soap operas and just after our food has settled and the plates almost licked after a day at sea, and when we are totally assured there is nothing more on the TV that catches our attention, Rosie makes her excuse to use the bathroom. I take this as my cue, just as we had arranged and when she comes back in, I am all ready for action.