A Part of Me and You

by Emma Heatherington

  ‘I can’t help it, I’m so scared,’ she sobs to me. ‘I’m so scared that I’m going to have no one to turn to no matter how much Aunty Helen and Dan try. My grandparents are old and my Nanna is too sick to even worry about Mum. I lie in bed at night and worry that she might have the same sickness as Mum does and Aunty Helen has enough on her plate with her own family. Who’s going to be there for me? I don’t want my mum to die. Please God, don’t let her die.’

  I rush to Rosie’s side and I put my arms around her and hold her tightly into my chest, then I let her cry and cry and cry and as she does so, I do too for Juliette and for this dear little girl that has so much loneliness and grief ahead of her.

  ‘I know you’re scared, baby,’ I whisper to her. ‘You don’t want to lose your mum and your mum doesn’t want to lose you. This is the most terrifying thing you will ever go through. You will be angry, you will be so angry that you want to tear the place down and run away and hide and scream and shout and you will see other girls with their mothers at all stages of their lives and you’ll think ‘why me? Why my mum?’ It will burn you and it will kick you in the stomach and it will hit you like a ton of bricks just when you think the pain has gone. It will never go away, Rosie but if you can, and I know it’s going to be really hard to think this way, just try and think of all this pain that you are going through as a big storm that happens every time you remember how much you love your mother.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘If you didn’t love each other so, so much, the pain would be a lot less, wouldn’t it?’

  She shrugs. ‘I suppose.’

  ‘If you didn’t care for her, you wouldn’t feel this pain, so when you have a really hard day and all that anger and gut-wrenching pain takes over, see it as a sign of how much you really love each other and always will. It’s like the floods after a storm, or the damage done by a hurricane. It’s a sign of something so big that no one or nothing could control it. That’s how much you love your mum and you will find that when you need her, she will be near, because she is in here.’

  I put my hand on my heart.

  ‘No one can ever take her away from there, Rosie. She will never, ever leave your heart and once you realize that, you will feel just a little bit better, day by day, week by week. You have a strong woman in your heart and that’s where she will always stay.’

  I have to look away when Rosie puts her own hand on her own heart and takes a big deep breath in and then out again.

  ‘I feel her in here already,’ she says. ‘No one can ever take that away from me.’

  ‘That’s exactly it,’ I say, fighting back tears. ‘And you know if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always just a phone call away.’

  ‘Thanks Shelley. You’ve been so kind to us and I will definitely phone you lots and lots,’ she sniffles. ‘I dread when I can’t walk in here and chat to you like this. I can’t talk to anyone like I can talk to you.’

  And now I do shed a tear. To think that this little girl feels even a little bit better by talking to me makes me fill up inside.

  ‘Well, we have to make every moment count then, don’t we? I know, why don’t you walk up to my house and leave Merlin back there and by the time you walk back here, I’ll be finished and we’ll both go see your mum, how’s that?’ I suggest to her, thinking the responsibility of seeing to the dog might just distract her for a little while. Plus, Merlin is becoming irritable and restless and I can sense he has had quite enough of being out and about for one day. He is a home bird, old Merlin and we need to think of him too, if only to help ourselves.

  Rosie nods to me as her tears subside and she pats the dog. I give her the key to my house and hold her hand for a moment.

  ‘Take a big deep breath, Rosie,’ I say to her. ‘You’re doing so well. Let’s try and make the most of the next few days and keep having fun, eh?’

  ‘Yes, yes I will,’ she says. ‘I am so glad we came here now. It’s been the best time ever, mostly because of you.’

  ‘And you’ve helped me too, don’t forget. Now, when you get to the house, just open the door and let old Merlin in to the hallway and hopefully he won’t follow you from the dog flap and you can make your escape back here,’ I tell her. ‘In fact, put him in the kitchen and that will give you enough breathing space to make your move because he loves being in there and by the time he notices you are gone, you’ll be at the bottom of the driveway at least.’

  Rosie takes the key from me and manages a smile.

  ‘Oh, and here’s the alarm code,’ I remember. ‘It’s really simple. Hold him on the lead until you punch in the six numbers, and then walk him to the kitchen and you’re done. Is that okay?’

  She takes it all in.

  ‘I feel like I’m in Mission Impossible with all those instructions,’ she says and the way her little face lights up tugs at my heart until it’s sore. ‘It’s one of our favourite movies. Mum just loves Tom Cruise.’

  ‘Well, we might just have a good old Tom Cruise feast tonight then while your mum puts her feet up,’ I suggest. ‘I think that sounds good, don’t you?’

  I wipe away her tears with my thumbs and tilt her chin up, just as Matt does to me when I’m having a tough time coping with all that I have been dealt with. It always makes me feel better to have that physical touch and direct eye contact when I need to pull it together.

  ‘I wish we could just stay here and it could always be like it has been since we met you,’ she says to me and I shake my head slowly.

  ‘I will always be here for you, Rosie,’ I tell her. ‘You’re a special girl to me and I think you and I have become buddies, what do you think?’

  ‘I’m afraid that we’ll never see you again once we leave,’ she says to me, and my heart warms up so much I feel it might burst that she might want to keep in touch. ‘You know, after everything.’

  ‘I have a feeling we’ll keep in touch, so don’t even think about that now,’ I tell her. ‘You know you can talk to me whenever you want and that’s a promise. Now, go and let your other old pal there get home for a rest and I’ll be waiting for you when you get back.’

  ‘Thank you, Shelley,’ she says to me, wiping fresh tears with the back of her hand.

  ‘No, thank you, Rosie,’ I whisper as I stand at the door and watch her make her way up the hill onto the outskirts of the village where my house stands on the highest point of Killara.

  Rosie doesn’t realize it, but I dread the day that she leaves here just as much as she does. I fear that if I don’t see her again I might spiral back into that deep dark hole of grief and I can’t even dare to think of going back there again. Juliette has given me tough love when I needed it to face the world again and see the good in people like Sarah and Leo. She’s forced me to realize how I have been doing myself no favours by shutting the people out who really do care for me. She has shown me that, just like she has done, I am pushing the man I love away when all I really want to do is pull him closer. She has shown me the beauty of laughter and good food, of fresh air and of spontaneity, while her daughter has filled me up inside by just letting me be there for her as a shoulder to cry on when she needs it because we have so much pain in common.

  Betty’s scribbled piece of paper still lies scrunched up in the wastepaper bin so I take it out the back to the wheelie bin and drop it in, feeling relief at getting rid of it. I need to keep going forward, like my dad says, one day at a time.

  I have just about enough time to call him before Rosie gets back here. I need to hear his voice to keep me going, one day at a time.

  Juliette

  ‘You’re an angel, Shelley,’ I say to my Florence Nightingale friend when she hands me a steaming bowl of tomato soup as I lie on the sofa, snug as a bug with a comfy blanket around me and my favourite pyjamas on. ‘I could get used to your cooking. I hope I don’t look too scary, do I?’

  I have taken the liberty of not wearing my wig this evening as I can’t bear it with the headache and
it’s making me itch. Shelley shakes her head.

  ‘You look like Marilyn Monroe, wig or no wig,’ she jokes. I must have told her my nickname for the wig at some stage. I can’t remember. Oh God, there are so many things now that just slip in and out of my memory and it makes me lose my breath. Little things, like where I put something or something I said or didn’t say. I don’t want to forget the big things. I need my memories to keep me going on bad days like this.

  It’s like a winter’s evening outside and I honestly don’t know what I would do without Shelley here to keep us going and distract Rosie a little. They are setting up the living room for a movie night with the fire lit and Shelley has brought along some Tom Cruise DVDs which is so kind of her. She is such a sweetheart.

  ‘So, what do you fancy then, first, Madame?’ Shelley says to me. ‘We have Top Gun for a bit of phwoar factor, Cocktail for some good old retro cheese, or the action of Mission Impossible which I believe to be one of your favourites. You choose?’

  Rosie pulls the curtains closed and lights some scented candles (also supplied by Shelley) and I revel in the warmth of being looked after so well.

  ‘I think some phwoar factor is what is needed right now,’ I say to them both and Rosie rolls her eyes.

  ‘I knew you were going to say that,’ she says.

  Of course she did, I laugh to myself. Teenagers know everything, don’t they? How could I possibly forget that?

  Shelley works out the DVD player and we snuggle down to watch the movie as I drink my soup and thank God for letting our paths cross in this way. There are reasons for everything in life, I really believe that more than ever now. I may have hit a roadblock with my search for Rosie’s biological father and my dying wish that she might have some direct blood relative who would learn to love and look after her for me, but instead I have met a true friend in Shelley and I have a strong feeling that she will always look out for my little girl, even from afar.

  She has fitted in with me and Rosie so easily, though we have only known each other for a few days. I can see her mending before my very eyes, not because I am doing anything in particular, but because she feels she is helping us and she is. Home-cooked meals, horse-riding on the beach, dancing to ‘80s cheesy pop and letting my daughter into her world by letting her walk Merlin, and talking to her about grief is more than I could ever have imagined I’d find in the kindness of a stranger. In turn, we are filling some sort of void in her life I think. She sees in Rosie the little girl she once was and she also sees the daughter she should have had in the future. And I hope that by making her face her own fears, by confronting those gossips, by going out for lunch, by talking to her old friends and just by getting out and about again, that I may be helping her too. But I am weakening fast and I don’t know if I have much more to offer anyone in this life other than my very fragile presence. The painkillers are becoming less effective and I know it won’t be long until I have to give in and see a doctor to help me manage this force that is eating me up inside and taking me further and further away from any quality of life. It is rapid, it is fearless and it is much stronger than I could have ever imagined. If I can just make it to Saturday so I can see Dan and Helen and my parents …

  I finish my soup and set the bowl on the coffee table that Shelley has moved so it sits right beside me, within arm’s reach. Then I settle down to watch Tom Cruise strut his stuff, but I barely get past the opening soundtrack when I drift off into a deep and badly-needed sleep.

  Shelley

  Matt calls me halfway through the movie, and with Juliette out for the count on the sofa, I slip out into the kitchen and close the door to chat to him. Rosie is on her phone as much as she is watching the movie so she hardly notices me as I go past her on my way.

  ‘Hi honey,’ he says to me. ‘Sorry, were you asleep?’

  I look at the time. It’s only just gone nine in the evening.

  ‘Gosh, no, not at all,’ I say to him. ‘I’m at the cottage with Juliette and Rosie. Oh, Matt she isn’t so good today. I think our trip around the cliffs yesterday was just all too much, or maybe she’s been struggling for a while and she’s kept it quiet. I made her some soup and she’s fast asleep now.’

  I finally managed to tell Matt briefly about some of Juliette’s backstory, last night after our boat trip. I told him how she’d come here looking for Skipper to tell him he had a daughter, and how I’d had to break the news to her.

  ‘It’s such a sad situation, really, isn’t it?’ he says to me. ‘Imagine the thought of leaving your child alone in the world like that. Maybe Skipper’s family will step in and get to know her when they find out. Like I said to you last night, Shell, I will do whatever I can when I get home to try work out a way to track them down.’

  ‘That would be a good thing to do,’ I say to my husband. ‘It’s such a pity they’re going to be back in England when you get home. It would be so comforting to Juliette to hear that directly from you but I’ll pass it all on when she’s feeling a bit stronger. Maybe she just needed a day off. Even I’m exhausted from it all and I’m not the sick one.’

  I keep my voice low in case Rosie can hear me but I’d very much doubt it as she is too engrossed in her phone to listen, and the TV is up loud enough to drown out my voice.

  ‘You need to take it easy too, Shelley,’ Matt says to me. ‘I know you’re doing a wonderful job by reaching out to these people, but I’m afraid you might crash when they go and you don’t have them to look after anymore. You need to look after you too, honey. I can’t wait to get home to see you.’

  I close my eyes and a deep longing to have him here hits me in the stomach.

  ‘I really need you right now,’ I say to my husband and his silence echoes his surprise. It has been so long since I have admitted how much I really do need him. ‘I can’t wait ‘til you get home too.’

  ‘We’re going to be okay, aren’t we Shelley?’ he says to me. ‘You know how much I love you. I hope I tell you that as often as you deserve to hear it and most of all, I hope I show you in what I do and say.’

  I bite my lip and look to the ceiling, then exhale.

  ‘I love you too, Matt,’ I say and a tear rolls down my cheek. I can sense his overwhelming relief down the line and I sit there, relishing in the moment and the sheer joy of being able to feel my heart again. ‘I love you so much.’

  ‘You deserve good things, Shelley,’ he whispers to me. ‘I’m going to get some sleep now but I want you to know I’m so proud of you for looking after that little girl and her mum. You’ve come a long way this week. Our beautiful Lily is still with us, Shelley. She will always be our baby girl and you are the best mummy in the world.’

  ‘Thank you, Matt,’ I say, sniffling now as the tears flow. ‘I’d better get back to Rosie and see Juliette to bed. You have no idea how much it means to hear you saying that I am a good mother. Thank you.’

  ‘You will always be Lily’s mother,’ he says to me. ‘She may not be with us in the way she used to, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t her mum and I am still very much her dad. I miss being her dad.’

  ‘I know you do,’ I say to him and when I close my eyes I see him with her like it used to be, how she’d snuggle in with him on the sofa in the evenings or on lazy Sundays and how she’d call for him in the night just as often as she did for me.

  ‘You’ve come so far, Shell,’ says Matt and his voice breaks a little. ‘I love that we can talk about Lily now and maybe someday we can remember things she used to do that made us laugh and how she made our life so complete for the short time that we had her. It’s good to talk about her, to remember her.’

  ‘I can’t wait to see you,’ I whisper, cradling the phone and not wanting him to go. I am so ready now to love him again and to love the memories we have of our daughter instead of fearing them.

  We take our time to hang up and I go back into the living room to find Rosie fast asleep just like her mum. I go to over to the armchair and turn down the TV, then I p
ull a fleecy throw around me and join them, closing my eyes. Maybe we are all just exhausted. Maybe Juliette is going to be okay after a good rest tonight. I won’t leave her side until morning, until I know that she is strong enough to face another day.

  Chapter 20

  Juliette

  THURSDAY

  I feel like I have a hangover as I make my way to the kitchen where I find Shelley tidying away bits and pieces that have gathered over the past day or so. My legs are weak and there’s a banging in my head, like someone is constantly knocking on a door within my skull, but I need to get up and face the day. I can’t lie around forever, especially not when I’m here.

  ‘Oh darling, did you stay here last night?’ I ask her. ‘You really are one in a million, Shelley. I’m sure you have much better things to be doing with your time than looking after us. I’m so sorry for yesterday.’

  Shelley busies herself, wiping down worktops and filling the kettle.

  ‘I can assure you that this is where I feel I should be right now, and it’s the least I can do,’ she says to me. ‘Now, sit down and I’ll get you a cuppa. How are you feeling? You look a bit brighter this morning. Did you have a good sleep?’

  Her words of encouragement are endearing so I decide to go along with her observation.

  ‘I’m a bit brighter, yes,’ I tell her, but the sadness in my eyes won’t lie. I sit down, slowly. ‘It’s not going to take me over just yet, Shelley. There is no way it’s going to happen this fast. I have plans for today. I have plans for the rest of this holiday.’

  ‘Do you need to see a doctor?’ Shelley asks me. ‘You look very frail, Juliette. I know you’re in a lot more pain than you were yesterday and you don’t have to try and hide it from me or from anyone. Please don’t suffer in silence. I’m here for you.’

  I shake my head.

  ‘Yesterday was beautiful,’ I tell her. ‘The day before was also beautiful. Every day that I’ve been here with Rosie has been so wonderful and I don’t want her last few days here to be spent watching me in bed with a doctor by my side. I simply won’t let it happen.’