Summer Of My Secret Angel

by Anna Katmore

  “Jona—” His voice, as he reached up to cup my cheek, carried all the sorrow I tried to hide by biting back my tears.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I soaked in the longing and gentleness of his touch. “But you’re an angel. You can heal her. Make her feel better. You did it before, I know it.”

  Julian pulled me down and cradled my head to his chest. His heart beat slowly, but loudly. “I’m not a healer, Jona. From today on, my powers are bound. I can’t help her other than ease her pain while she’s getting weaker.” He stroked my hair, and I surrendered to his hold. “She made a deal. And the rules must be obeyed.”

  “Fuck your damn rules!” I nestled tighter against his chest, my fingers digging into his hard muscles. “I don’t care about your bloody deal. I want you to stay.”

  Julian remained silent for a long while. When he spoke next, it was nothing more than a whisper in my mind. “Yesterday you said you would sky dive with me. Was that the truth?”

  What he said didn’t ring a bell, so I sniffed then lifted my head to him. “When did I say that?”

  His eyes tilted back to regard the sky. “A moment before I wiped your memory.”

  What was he saying? He made me forget? A loop of barbwire tightened around my heart. “You meddled with my mind?”

  “I had to. You came too close to discovering my secret.” Julian pressed his palm briefly to my forehead, and all of a sudden, a heavy fog, that had clouded my mind for the past twenty four hours, lifted. All the events of yesterday returned with such clarity that it knocked me breathless.

  But I couldn’t be mad at him. He’d risked exposure to everyone only to heal my burned hand. His torn face when he’d begged me not to push him into revealing it flashed before me. I’d sky dive with you. My own promise rang in my mind.

  It took him no more than a blink to take all those little memories from me. And what about today? My throat constricted, making it painful to swallow. “Now that I know you’re an angel, will you have to wipe my memory again? Will we go back in an hour, with me not being able to remember any of these precious moments with you?”

  “Eventually, I will.”

  “What?” I was nothing short of hysteric.

  Julian said nothing. But he lifted me gently, to place me next to him, then he sat up. His wings started to tremor, getting to a very high frequency until they finally disappeared. Feeling bereft of his true beauty, I ran my hand up and down his back, but there was nothing to be felt.

  I put on my shirt when he buttoned up his. Taking my hand, he rose from the grass and pulled me with him. I followed with a sinking heart as I realized he was heading home.

  And then he spoke. “Jona, the day that I return to Heaven—” He paused to gaze at me with somber eyes. “When your mother dies, I will take away all your memories of me. And not only from you. From everyone I came into contact with.”

  TALKING ABOUT THE PAST

  WITH THE WOODS before us, I kept my eyes on my feet threading through the knee-high grass. Julian’s hand on mine felt warm, faking that the world was still all right. A calm wind swayed the green blades, proof that he’d released his freezing grip on time. The moments rushed by once more like wild rapids.

  The horror of losing the most important memory of my life anchored deep in my bones.

  We returned home. In the middle of the afternoon everyone was still on the field. Except my mother. She slept peacefully in her room when I entered on silent steps, Julian behind me. He brushed his palm over her forehead. Her soft moans the only sound, she woke from this unusually deep sleep.

  It was one thing to know that Julian could do magic to others, but a totally different thing to see it happen. I couldn’t decide who to look at first. Julian’s beautiful face when he concentrated on his powers, or my mother’s happy eyes when she caught me standing in the middle of the room.

  Welcome back to life, Mom.

  Julian sat on the edge of the bed and took her bony hand into his. Color returned to her cheeks, her huge liquid pupils reduced to a normal size.

  “Is it already time to go?” A frightful shiver came with that question.

  Julian shook his head. “The deal is fulfilled, but He is no fiend. The two of you do have time to talk.” He rose from the bed and held out his hand to her. “It’s a beautiful day. Would you like to sit outside?”

  “Of course,” my mother replied, accepting his help when she climbed out of bed, and forced a smile. “After all, it might be my last chance to see the sky and the vines.”

  My chest suddenly seemed too tight for my heart, and I had to cough against the lump in my throat.

  Julian helped her to the bench on the patio then left us alone to make tea. Seated facing my mother, I studied her features, that already bore the stamp of death. How long until God would take her away from me? Another day? Two?

  “Why the deal with God, Mom?” There was no way to ban the tremor from my tone. “Why didn’t you seek the doctors’ help instead?”

  “So he finally told you.” She shook her head slowly, but then a soft laugh rocked her bony shoulders. Her hand crawled across the table and landed over mine. “I’d been on medications for months, darling. But it’s cancer of the pancreas. It’s incurable.”

  I’d heard about the incurable detail before. Only, now I refused to believe it. “There must be a way. What about one of those chemotherapies? Or a surgery. Do you really need a pancreas anyway? They could take it out, or maybe part of it.”

  She grimaced. “Whatever modern medicine can do, it would only prolong the suffering.”

  I saw pain in her eyes, which had nothing to do with her own misfortune. Her discomfort was due to my horrified expression and her inability to comfort her daughter with a better prognosis than she could give me.

  “So how did God get into the game?” Fighting not to whimper, it still felt strange to talk to her. And about such an off-the-wall topic, too. “I mean it’s not every day you hear He sends down an angel to fulfill people’s wishes.” At least He’d never sent someone my way in the twelve years I’d prayed for help.

  A grateful shine lit up my mother’s eyes, and she cast a glance toward the sky. “No, I guess it’s not. He must have taken great pity on me that evening.” When she looked at me again, I lifted one eyebrow, urging her to explain. “You see, it was the evening after I returned from hospital with the news that they couldn’t help me anymore. I was advised to get my affairs in order.”

  “Another way of saying your time was up.”

  She nodded. “They gave me half a year, if that. My thoughts kept coming back to one topic only. You.” My mother searched my face while her hand closed around mine. Firmly. The angel power Julian had filled her with strengthened her.

  “I had made a mess of my life and in the process hurt you so badly. You, the only good thing that ever happened to me. On my knees, I begged for a chance to fix my screw ups. I asked for a possibility to set a few things straight before my days were up. It already killed me to think of dying without ever talking to you again. Without the chance to ever hold you—” Her bottom lip trembled. She reached for a tissue in her pocket, wiped her nose, and dabbed at the tears in her eyes.

  My heart as tight as my throat, I reached toward her, placing my hand on her forearm. “You can hold me now, Mom.”

  Her mouth quirked as though she wanted to smile. Instead, more tears spilled over.

  The next moment, Julian stepped out with a tray carrying three steaming mugs. He put them down and planted a hand on my mother’s shoulder. She sucked in a breath, which I didn’t realize she was running out of, and her torn face relaxed a little.

  With the strength he gave her, she continued. “That night, I offered to trade the rest of my life for one peaceful moment with you.”

  My mouth fell open.

  “I do confess I didn’t put much faith into a happy ending then. But shortly after I’d finished my prayers, a strange white light brightened the room, and Julian appeared. He sai
d he was sent to help.”

  When Julian withdrew his hand and sat next to me, she gave him a sheepish smile. “You had a hard time making me believe, didn’t you?”

  He chuckled as he wrapped his arm around me but still looked at my mother. “You were definitely one of the harder nuts.”

  I reached for my cup, blew on the steam, and took a small sip. My eyes snapped toward him. “So your plan was to keep her going until the day we would meet again and I would miraculously forgive her?”

  “Not quite.” His grip on my shoulder tightened. “I made preparations. Went looking for you and found out what you usually did at what time of the day.”

  “You stalked me?” My eyes grew wide.

  “Stalking is such a harsh word. I did proper research of an individual. Studied you,” he drawled. His gaze lingering on me, he leaned back and skimmed his fingers over the back of my neck. “At the same time, your mother made sure you’d have a home here in France with your aunt once things worked out well. Eventually, I set the course. When the police caught you at Camden Market, it wasn’t coincidence.”

  “No, it was freaking bad luck.” Or was it? A lot of nice things had happened ever since.

  “I kind of planted stones in your way. People, who shoved you in the right direction.”

  My thoughts returned to my flight from the cops that particular afternoon. “The man with the hat,” I remembered half aloud. “The kid. And the lady, who almost beat me with her bloody crutches. That was all your work?”

  He nodded. Of course, for someone, who could hover between moments, this was like a waltz.

  “I can’t believe it. You manipulated me. How rude.” And yet, when I gazed into his shiny blue eyes, I wanted to kiss him for all his sneaky behavior.

  “It was easy enough to convince your friend, Quinn, and the judge of our intentions to bring you to France,” he said. “And well, you know the rest.”

  Shivers ran over me. I breathed deep, crossing my legs at the ankles under the bench. “That morning in Abe’s office, I saw you wearing a shiny white robe. Why?”

  He ruffled my hair. “You’ve always been exceptionally observant. Or maybe I was just too easygoing around you, I don’t know. I had a hard time hiding from you from the beginning.” He sounded as if he knew the deeper truth behind this, but didn’t let me in on it.

  I liked to think it had to do with his strong feelings for me. There was this slight chance that he’d wanted me to see who he really was all along. To be honest with me.

  The thought of honesty caused me to glance at my mother again. Julian had said there was time to talk, and I had so many questions that only my mother could answer. “Why did you give me away, Mom?”

  The moment stretched in silence as she clasped her hands and shifted in her seat.

  Julian pressed a kiss to my brow and whispered, “I’ll see if Albert needs a hand in the vineyard.” Although I would have been thankful for his assistance and the soothing effect he had on me, I appreciated his retreat.

  With him gone, I gripped the warm mug a little tighter for an alternative source of comfort. When I spoke, my voice sounded too calm for my agitation. “Why the orphanage and not this place? Why wasn’t I entrusted to Marie’s care instead?”

  My mother held my gaze, but all color had disappeared from her face. A hint that she’d dreaded this question for a very long time.

  She inhaled deeply. “My family didn’t know of you. I never told them, because I was ashamed of the situation I was in—pregnant by a man I hardly knew and who left me even before our child was born. I had nothing at that time but a shabby one-bedroom flat, a handful of pounds in my pocket, and a pile of overdue bills that kept mounting.”

  She swallowed hard, gazing at the distance. “When John came into our life, I thought things would change for the better. I loved him. And I thought he loved me back. But soon I learned a hard lesson. John was a drug addict, and all he needed me for was the money for his next fix. He was a violent person.” Her gaze shifted back at my face. “But I’m sure you remember that.”

  I gave a quick nod with my lips pressed together.

  When her pause stretched on, I wondered if she was envisioning the many times John had hurt me in his rage. Or the countless nights when she tried to soothe me with her soft humming after he’d beat the shit out of me. All of it must have reflected in my eyes at that moment.

  Her hand closed tighter around mine. “One morning, you wouldn’t stop crying after his beating. I begged him to let me take you to the emergency room. He refused, afraid the staff would find out about the abuse going on. But I didn’t give up until he agreed.”

  I remembered that day. My left arm was on fire. John must have broken something when his hard slap at my face knocked me off my feet and into the wall. Perched in the backseat, I’d watched his murderous face in the rearview mirror all the way to the hospital. In those few minutes, both of them had drilled into me what I had to say to the doctor.

  I fell off the swing on the playground. I fell off the swing…

  “And then the nurse in the hospital reappeared alone after examining you.” My mom’s voice cut through my memories. “My heart felt like it was being crushed inside my chest. I knew I had lost you. I couldn’t get you back. But I was also relieved, because I realized that John couldn’t get near you ever again.”

  Now that I had opened my heart to my mother after all the years of anger, I felt the pain she must have gone through. She had been torn apart between relief that I was safe and the grief of her loss.

  “What happened to you and John?”

  Her gaze dropped. She turned her head away from me. Her hand came up to her mouth, and she squeezed her eyes shut, probably willing the tears to go away. “John went to prison for child abuse. I was sentenced to six years for not doing anything about it. I wasn’t allowed to see you, not even to tell you goodbye.”

  “I missed you so much. No one would tell me why I had to stay in that place.” I half expected this to come out as a mere whisper but found that my voice was steady after all.

  “I missed you, too, baby.” Her misty eyes rested on my face again, and she reached out to touch my cheek. “I was determined to endure that time and then get you back home. Back to me, where you belonged. I couldn’t send you to Marie and risk that you’d never want to return to me after you’d lived for years in a good place like this. That’s why I denied having any family members willing to take you on. I was stupid and selfish.”

  As much as this information hurt, I was glad to find out that she hadn’t intended to abandon me completely. “So when you got out, you came to see me in the orphanage. I was ready to go home with you. What kept you from coming like you promised?”

  She fingered her tissue for a moment. “I sorted out my life and made preparations for the two of us to be together again. But the day I decided to bring you home, John returned. He was released about the same time as me, and he sneaked back into my life so easily. He promised he’d changed in jail. That he was clean now and wanted to start all over again. But that evening he nearly killed me in his drunkenness. By no means could I allow you to be near that man again.”

  She wiped her nose. “I tried to run from him, but he kept finding me wherever I went. Then, one day, he didn’t show up, and I read in a discarded newspaper that the police had found the body of John Malton. He was killed in a drug deal gone bad. Two months before I found out about my illness.”

  Finally, I had my answers. Neither of us had had an easy life. When she had tucked the tissue back into the pocket of her house coat, she hung her head and exhaled a long sigh.

  Silently, I rose from the bench and skirted the table to sit next to her. With my head resting on her shoulder, I wrapped my arms lightly around her breakable body.

  Immediately and with a suppressed cry, she hugged me hard, her tears seeping into my hair. “I thank God for this moment.”

  I didn’t.

  God didn’t know what it meant f
or me to hold my mother like this and at the same time know it might be the last time ever. The burden pressed down on me and cut off the steady stream of air into my lungs.

  Even if she had come to terms with the way things had played out, I couldn’t accept this end. I wouldn’t allow God to take my mother away from me again, and with her, the only other person I loved just as much. There had to be a way, and I would find it.

  A warm feeling surrounded me, taking away a lot of the pain that had centered in my chest. My mother seemed to feel it, too, because she suddenly tilted her head upward with a faint smile and a relieved sigh.

  The angel was near.

  I let go of my mom and shifted to look over my shoulder. Julian leaned against the wall with his hands tucked into his pockets. His peaceful expression failed to cover the sadness in his eyes.

  “Can I get a moment with you?” I asked.

  “Anytime.” With a soft twitch of his lips, he came forward. “But let’s take your mother back to bed first. She looks worn out.”

  Mom gladly accepted his bent elbow, and I followed as he led her back to her room. I promised to look in on her in a bit, but right now I had to find a way to keep her.

  With my mother drifting off to oblivion, Julian silently closed the door. “Where do you want to go?”

  I shrugged, not really caring, as long as I was with him. But then I reached for his hand and led him upstairs, through my room, toward the balcony.

  He stopped me in front of the balcony door. “You sure you want to go out there? We can stay inside.”

  Fear already gripped me around the neck, but it seemed important to get past that fright and proceed outside. “Just don’t let go of me, and I’ll be okay.”

  Julian nodded. He followed me with his hand securely wrapped around mine. Next to each other, we lowered to the floorboards, and with the wall behind us, I leaned my head on his shoulder. The clouds that sailed across the sky on a steady breeze slowed. Then they stood still.