‘Why didn’t you leave him years ago?’ Natalie asked the question that had been bothering her the whole of the time Tracy told of the tragedy of her marriage.
The other woman sighed, shrugging, ‘I had defied Adam to marry Jason. Adam has always looked after me, ever since our parents died whe I was sixteen he’s protected me. I fell in love with Jason when I was on holiday, little realising that half of my attraction for him, most of my attraction to him, was my money.’
‘I think you underestimate your own beauty—’
‘No,’ Tracy shook her head. ‘Jason has expensive tastes, and as my husband he’s been able to realise them all.’
‘You still haven’t explained why you didn’t leave him,’ Natalie prompted softly.
‘Adam.’
‘Adam?’
‘I couldn’t let him down,’ Tracy revealed huskily. ‘By marrying Jason at all I had let him down, if I’d also left him I would have hurt Adam unbearably.’
‘No—’
‘Yes,’ the other woman sighed.
Natalie shook her head, thinking of the irony of the situation. How could this brother and sister, who loved and cared for each other so much, be so wrong about each other’s true feelings?
‘So I made the best of my marriage,’ Tracy continued softly,’ tried to be the retiring obedient wife Jason seemed to want. And sometimes it wasn’t easy,’ she revealed fiercely. ‘Sometimes it was almost impossible!’
‘No one would have guessed how you felt.’
‘No one was supposed to!’
‘Especially Adam.’
‘Especially Adam,’ Tracy nodded. ‘But I can’t go on any longer. I heard what your sister said about you and Adam, and I’m sorry things are over between you, but could I please stay here with you until I decide what I’m going to do with the rest of my life?’
Natalie didn’t hesitate. ‘I’m glad you came to me,’ she squeezed the other girl’s hand. ‘I—I tried to see you last night.’
‘Adam told me,’ Tracy said softly. ‘That was what made me wonder if you wouldn’t help me, just for a few days. I’m so tired,’ she put a hand up to her temple as if it ached. ‘So very tired!’
‘Then sleep,’ Natalie stood up decisively. ‘Go into my bedroom and sleep. We can talk again when you wake up, if you want to.’
‘Thank you!’ Tracy grasped her hand gratefully. ‘I couldn’t think who else to turn to, and you’d already been so kind to me.’
‘I’m very glad you came to me,’ Natalie smiled gently. ‘Now I’ll show you the bedroom and then you can rest. It will be easier to think when you aren’t so tired.’ She led the way to her bedroom, turning back the covers. ‘Sleep as long as you want to,’ she invited. ‘No one will disturb you.’
‘I need this so badly.’ Tracy sank down wearily on to the bed, slipping off her shoes, her eyes closing, and almost immediately she was asleep.
Natalie stood for a moment looking at her, at the vulnerable droop of her mouth, the frown that marred her brow even in her sleep. Poor Tracy, what unhappiness she had already known in her young life! But there was no reason why her suffering should continue, no reason why she should be apart from her brother. Adam loved Tracy, and he would do anything for her, even see her through the broken remains of her marriage.
As soon as Natalie got back to the lounge she put a call through to Adam’s apartment, relieved when it was his own terse voice that recited the number. ‘Could you come over here, Adam—’
‘Natalie?’ he growled impatiently.
‘Yes.’
‘I don’t have the time to talk to you now, Natalie,’ he dismissed curtly. ‘And I certainly can’t come to your flat. Tracy’s housekeeper has just called me—she’s disappeared.’
‘She’s here, Adam,’ she told him quietly, hearing the raw concern in his voice.
‘There?’ he thundered disbelievingly.
‘Yes. You see—’ The line had gone dead.
Natalie was waiting for him when the doorbell rang a few minutes later; she let him in without a word being spoken, but knowing he followed her into the lounge, as conscious as ever of his presence.
She studied him as he looked about him with ill-concealed impatience. He looked haggard, more weary even than Tracy, and Natalie’s hands ached to smooth the lines from his brow, to soothe the harshness from his face. But she knew he wouldn’t welcome any show of love or tenderness from her, that his rejection of her had been complete.
His eyes finally narrowed on her, icy blue, clearly showing his contempt for her. ‘You said Tracy was here.’ It was an accusation.
‘She is,’ her voice was husky. ‘She’s sleeping—No, Adam,’ she ordered as he would have immediately gone into her bedroom—reminding her all too vividly how intimately he knew that room, and her. ‘Don’t disturb her,’ she instructed abruptly. ‘What she needs now is sleep.’
‘Here?’
She flushed at the scorn in his voice. ‘She came here because she needed to talk to someone—’
‘You!’ His mouth twisted.
‘Yes—me!’ Her eyes flashed. ‘I’m sorry if it’s meant you’ve had to “see my beautiful face again”,’ she bitterly remembered his parting words of the night before. ‘But your sister blames me for nothing. In fact she—’
‘Yes?’ he prompted at her abruptly bitten off words.
Natalie avoided his gaze. ‘I think Tracy should tell you herself.’
‘Tell me what?’ His eyes were narrowed.
‘It isn’t for me—’
‘Tell me, Natalie!’ He swung her round, hurting her, deliberately so.
She met his gaze unflinchingly. ‘I can’t.’
‘Why the hell not?’
‘Because if Tracy wants to talk to you, she will. But if she does—’ she paused, wetting her lips nervously. ‘Listen to her, Adam.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ he rasped. ‘I always listen to Tracy. She—’
Natalie sighed. ‘Don’t be so sensitive, Adam! I wasn’t being critical. I know how much you love your sister, and I know you only want to help her.’
‘But?’
She shrugged. ‘Somehow the two of you have your wires crossed.’
‘How?’
‘You’ll have to wait until Tracy wakes up and discuss it with her.’
‘When will that be?’ he asked wearily.
‘I have no idea. But by the look of her, several hours.’
‘God!’ He sank down into an armchair, running a hand over his furrowed brow.
‘You look tired yourself.’ Natalie stood in front of him. ‘The bedroom is occupied, but I can offer you that chair if you’d like to sleep.’
He looked up at her, frowning. ‘Why are you doing this?’
She gave a rueful smile. ‘Being a hotel for your family?’
‘Yes.’
‘I was a Girl Guide when I was younger,’ she derided. ‘Maybe that accounts for my helpful streak. Or maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment,’ she shrugged.
‘You have to be!’
Her mouth tightened. ‘Do you want the chair or not?’
Adam’s expression relaxed somewhat. ‘I’d prefer the sofa,’ he admitted rueflly.
‘Be my guest,’ she invited abruptly.
He was much too long for her sofa, his feet hung over the end, and he shifted about uncomfortably for several minutes. ‘Damn,’ he muttered, standing up to remove his jacket, putting a couple of cushions on the back of the sofa before stretching out again, his blue shirt taut across his broad back.
‘Better?’ Natalie asked huskily.
‘Much,’ he mumbled. ‘But I never noticed how lumpy this sofa was the last time I lay on it. Maybe because that time you were with me.’ An unbidden warmth deepened the colour of his eyes. ‘Care to join me now?’
She swallowed hard, but sat down in the chair opposite him, her legs drawn up beneath her. ‘Not this time,’ she shook her head.
‘I had a fee
ling that would be your answer.’ He closed his eyes.
Several minutes later Natalie knew by the deep, even tenor of his breathing that he was fast asleep. She stood up to get him a blanket from the cupboard, laying it gently over his still form.
Silence reigned in the flat as the minutes ticked away, and even Natalie dozed in her chair, although she was aware of every noise, and she woke with a start as Adam turned over with a groan, his lean length very uncomfortable on the short sofa.
After that Natalie stayed awake, memorising each hard plane of his face and body. She doubted he would give her the opportunity of seeing him this vulnerable again.
Finally, about an hour later, he began to wake up, groaning tiredly, stretching his arms and legs after being in that cramped position while he slept. He turned to look at her with alert eyes. ‘Have I been asleep long?’
‘Just over an hour.’ She swung her legs to the floor. ‘Like a cup of coffee?’
Adam sat up, smoothing his ruffled hair back from his face. ‘If you wouldn’t mind putting a tot of whisky in it?’
‘Not at all,’ she smiled. ‘Have you eaten today?’
‘Not that I can remember,’ he grimaced. ‘Don’t be too kind, Natalie, or I’ll start to feel a bastard.’
Her mouth tightened. ‘Meaning you don’t already?’ she said hardly, and went through to the kitchen.
She was shaking by the time she reached the sanctuary of the other room, leaning weakly against the cupboard, her own lack of sleep and food taking its toll on her.
But she was in control of herself by the time she took in Adam’s coffee, carefully avoiding all contact with him before going back to prepare him some late lunch. She hadn’t known when she told him Tracy was here that she would have to spend this time alone with him, and the strain was beginning to tell on her.
‘Natalie…!’
She spun round to find he had followed her, dangerously close in the confines of the small kitchen. ‘I—I was just going to cook you some lunch.’ She moved away from him jerkily.
‘That can wait.’ He shook his head, his eyes intense. ‘I think we need to talk.’
‘We already have,’ she recalled bitterly.
‘I have,’ he corrected huskily. ‘I didn’t allow you to say anything. I think I may have been wrong about you.’
‘Only think?’ she derided.
‘Hell, Natalie, I don’t know what to think any more. You—’
‘Adam!’
They both turned at the sound of that breathless gasp. Tracy was standing pale-faced in the doorway. After an accusing look in Natalie’s direction she ran back to the bedroom to get her shoes—intent on making her escape from both of them.
‘Go to her,’ Natalie encouraged Adam. ‘Make her talk to you.’
‘Yes.’ He grasped her arms, his eyes intent. ‘And later, can I talk to you?’
‘Do you want to?’ She sounded weary.
‘Yes,’ he told her simply.
She flushed. ‘Maybe when you’ve spoken to Tracy,’ she nodded.
He turned abruptly and followed his sister, closing the bedroom door behind him for greater privacy. Natalie busied herself in the kitchen, not wanting to inadvertantly overhear the conversation between brother and sister.
Her own conversation with Adam she refused to even think about, not wating to raise her hopes only to have them dashed once they did actually talk. She doubted that they could ever go back to their former relationship—even if they wanted to. Too much had happened for that.
Adam was white-faced when he came into the kitchen half an hour later, and Natalie wordlessly handed him a cup of hot coffee, the first cold remains thrown away.
He took a large swallow, not even seeming to notice the liberal amount of whisky she had put in it. ‘I had no idea,’ he muttered heavily at last.
She put a consoling hand on his arm, feeling his bewilderment. ‘You weren’t supposed to—no one was.’
He sat down heavily on one of the bar stools, his face in his hands. ‘I can’t believe it. Seven years,’ he groaned. ‘Seven years of her beautiful life wasted!’ His eyes were tortured as he looked up at Natalie. ‘Well, she’s lived with that mistake long enough. She won’t be seeing Jason again.’
‘She could stay here—’
‘Thank you, Natalie,’ he said with genuine feeling. ‘But I think it will be better if I get Tracy away from London for a while. Jason isn’t likely to give up without a fight, and Tracy has suffered enough at his hands already. I’m going to drive her to an aunt’s of ours out of town. When I get back I’d like to talk to you.’ He stood up, moving to hold her in his arms, trembling against her. ‘I—’
‘Adam?’ Tracy called from the lounge. ‘Oh—er—Sorry.’ She stood awkwardly in the doorway.
‘That’s all right.’ Natalie moved out of Adam’s arms, going to the other woman, a palely composed woman now, with a quiet confidence. ‘Forgive me?’ she asked huskily.
‘I’m very grateful!’ Tracy hugged her, smiling as she moved back. ‘And I’m sure Adam is too,’ she looked indulgently at her brother.
Natalie’s smile remained fixed on her face as she watched the departure of the brother and sister. It was only when they had gone that her mask slipped. Gratitude! From the start their relationship had been based on all the wrong emotions—need, desire, want, hate, and now finally gratitude. She didn’t want Adam’s gratitude, she wanted his love. And she could no long accept anything less than being his wife.
It was almost ten o’clock when the ringing of the doorbell told her of his return. She had almost given up any idea of him coming back tonight.
He had been home and changed into denims and a brown fitted shirt, his hair freshly washed and gleaming, his jaw newly shaved. Natalie felt very untidy next to him, her own denims and shirt creased, her face free of make-up, her hair in need of combing.
‘How is Tracy?’ she asked once they were seated opposite each other in the lounge.
‘Shattered,’ he sighed. ‘But strangely serene. It will take her a long time to get over her marriage to Jason, but I think she will eventually.’
‘I’m sure of it,’ Natalie nodded, confident in the other girl’s strength of character.
‘I really thought she loved him. you know. I didn’t see how she could, but I thought she did.’
‘I know that.’
‘So does she, thank God,’ he rasped. ‘I would never have kept them together otherwise. I’ve seen Jason,’ he added heavily.
‘And?’
‘It’s shaken him completely. He was sure Tracy loved him too.’ His mouth twisted. ‘But not any more. I don’t know what it makes me, but I took great pleasure in telling him exactly how Tracy feels about him.’
‘It makes you her brother,’ Natalie said softly. ‘I don’t know how you’ve restrained yourself all these years.’
‘Strangely enough I felt sorry for him in the end.’ He gave a rueful shrug.
‘You have no need,’ she shook her head. ‘Do you think he’ll go to Judith now?’ She knew it was what her sister was waiting—hoping for.
‘He could do,’ Adam shrugged. ‘Would you mind? In a way I think they could be suited for each other.’
‘Deserve each other, you mean!’ Natalie sighed.
‘And you and I?’ he said softly, sitting forward in the chair. ‘Do we deserve each other too?’
She had stiffened as soon as he verbally coupled the two of them together. They weren’t a couple, never had been; they had only ever shared a desire that in the end neither of them had been able to deny.
‘I don’t think so.’ She turned away.
‘Don’t do that!’ He came down on the carpeted floor in front of her. ‘Don’t ever turn away from me again, Natalie,’ he pleaded.
She hardened her heart. ‘Why not? You turned away from me.’
‘Oh, God!’ he groaned, closing his eyes, a bright sheen to their dark blue depths as he looked at her once again. ‘Yes, I
turned away,’ he admitted raggedly. ‘Because for the first time in my life I was in love—and I didn’t know how to handle it. No woman had ever given herself to me like you do. I didn’t know how to trust you or accept the love for what it was. When this business with Tracy blew up in my face I felt betrayed by you.’
Natalie’s breathing was so shallow she barely breathed at all. ‘In love…?’ Only that seemed to matter at the moment.
‘Yes,’ he admitted self-derisively. ‘I love you so much I can’t think straight most of the time.’
‘But you—you never said…’
‘No,’ he agreed heavily ‘You see, I could never be sure of you. When I made love to you and found I was the first, I thought that must mean you felt something special for me. But I couldn’t be sure whether the love you said you felt for me afterwards—’
‘So you did hear that!’ she blushed.
‘Yes,’ he said softly. ‘But I didn’t know if you genuinely meant you loved me or whether it was because we’d felt such pleasure together when we made love. You never said it again.’
‘And you never said it once!’
‘I’m saying it now,’ he told her quietly. ‘I love you so much, Natalie. I can’t go on without you. I—I’ve never been in love before, and I don’t exactly trust the emotion—’
‘As you don’t trust me,’ she reminded him bitterly.
Adam’s shoulders were slumped as he stood up to leave. ‘I’ve hurt you too much, haven’t I?’ he muttered.
‘Mistrusted me too much,’ she corrected huskily. ‘How can you love someone and yet not believe a word they tell you?’
‘I don’t know,’ he said dully, lines etched into his face. ‘But I do love you. I need you too.’
‘You’ve already had me, Adam,’ she said numbly. ‘You said you didn’t want me any more.’
‘I said that in anger—’
‘But you still said it!’
His mouth twisted. ‘I can remember some things you’ve said to me that you’ve later regretted. I’ve always believed it’s never too late to tell someone you’re sorry. And I am sorry, Natalie. Why won’t you believe me?’
She did believe him, knew that he could never humble himself in this way if his feelings weren’t genuine. But loving her still wasn’t enough. She was greedy, she wanted all of him.
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