Yeah, I Said It

by Wanda Sykes

  I read that a couple in Florida got breast implants for their sixteen-year-old daughter. Everything fucked-up happens in Florida, must be from all that sun on the brain. Anyway, at first I was like, “This is ridiculous.” This girl is obviously too young, and what kind of message are the parents giving her? “You ain’t getting nowhere in this world without big titties.”

  After further thought, I’m like, “We haven’t seen this girl; maybe she really needed a little help.” Let’s be honest, looks are important, especially for women. Who knows? Maybe breasts were cheaper than braces. Maybe her parents had a plan. They could’ve been like, “We’ll spring for some titties and hopefully you’ll meet a nice man and he’ll fix your teeth.”

  USXXXL

  Watching the news can be quite repetitive at times. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “A new study says America is rapidly becoming increasingly overweight. Obesity is the leading cause for heart disease, diabetes, and strokes…blah, blah, blah.” Just tell us like it is. This is a fat-ass country!

  It figures. Every time you turn on the television there’s a commercial for a new tasty artery-clogging treat for our greedy fat asses. Did they really need to put more cheese inside of the pizza crust? Isn’t there enough cheese on the pizza itself? Who’s the fat bastard who just didn’t enjoy plain ol’ pizza crust anymore? Who said, “You know what would make this crust taste better? If it was more pizza. I tell ya what, on my next pizza, just wrap another cheese pizza around it.”

  The crust is there for a reason. It’s your warning to stop eating. It’s saying, “Hey, this is it! After the crust, it’s just crumbs. Get your fat ass away from the table.”

  It’s sick the shit that they come up with. A double cheese-burger is already too much, but a double-double Quarter Pounder with cheese? C’mon, man. Why don’t you just pull up to the drive-thru, stick your ass in the window, and just have them shove the burger right up your colon?

  French fries just weren’t fattening enough, right? So now you can have them battered and then double fried. And you wonder why we have all these little fat-ass kids with bad knees and health problems and shit? It’s the food. They aren’t eating anything of nutritional value. Pretty soon the police will have to take over this obesity epidemic. “Drop those fries or I’ll shoot! Put the plate on the ground, put your hands over your head, and slowly walk away!”

  Vegetables don’t stand a chance. If it grows out of the ground, we’re going to dip it in batter, stuff it with cheese, or fry it up. We ain’t happy until whatever that healthy thing was is now unrecognizable. “This looks like broccoli. Could you wrap some bacon around it, then fry it up? Oh, and let me have a bowl of ranch dressing for dipping.” I know I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do when I get to the pearly gates, because when I see shit like this I be wishing all kinds of illnesses on folks. “Lord, just pluck him in his heart right now, Father. Let that ball of cheese get stuck in her throat, oh God. Just scare them, Jesus.”

  All that supersizing pissed me off. I used to eat fast food. I didn’t have the best eating habits, but after seeing all of this excessive junk, I got grossed out. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll still fuck up some fried chicken, but now I only eat it maybe once a month. Actually, not even that often. And to be honest, I don’t even miss it. All it takes for me is a commercial where you can “biggie size” or get the endless bowl of pasta, and I end up craving tofu. Yeah, that’s right—tofu. I eat tofu. And guess what? I’m in the best shape that I’ve been in my entire life. I’m talking even from the womb. I’m in better shape now.

  You know back in the days, for my generation, our mothers could get away with a lot of the prenatal “no-no’s” of today. I bet just about anybody my age can look back in a family photo album and find a picture of your mother at least five months pregnant with you, belly all swole, at a party with a cigarette in one hand, a glass of bourbon in the other hand. We were born with bad habits. Today, there’s no excuse.

  I don’t want to tell y’all how to eat, because I think most people are stupid so it would be a waste of time. Also, like I said, I’m not eating right all the time. However, I do think that these fast-food companies should take some responsibility for our fat-ass, unhealthy country and just be straight up. Let these big fat fucks know what they are actually eating.

  Fast-food restaurants should be forced to change all names of food to their caloric composition. Instead of saying, “Yeah, I’ll take the Big Mac, large fries, large Coke deal,” we’ll be forced to confront reality: “Yeah, I’ll take the ‘six hundred calories (thirty-three grams of fat) plus five hundred forty (twenty-six grams of fat) plus three hundred ten calories’ value meal, please.” “Would you like to supersize that? You get an extra one hundred seventy calories.” “Sure, good looking out.” Then again, I don’t even think this would help because you know there’s going to be some cheap-ass mug, going, “Naw, girl, get the number three value meal. You get five hundred more calories for the same ninety-nine cents.”

  Do It All Wrong

  This country has no idea how to get in shape. We treat diets like it’s a trend. “Hey, have you tried the fat-free diet? Hey, I’m on the Subway diet. Look at me, I’m on the water diet. Did you hear that Betty lost fifty-eight pounds on the cancer diet? Good for her, God rest her soul.” Now it’s the “low carb” diet. Everybody and their mother is on the low-carb diet, the Atkins Plan. He’s dead. He fell on some ice evidently. He fell because he was probably light-headed from not eating enough carbs.

  Maybe it’s me, but aren’t you on the low-carb diet if you just stop eating like a hog? Despite what the media and the food corporations say, carbohydrates are not your enemy. Beer companies now tout low-carb brewskis. Drink all you want, only twelve calories, and a DUI, but check it out, Your Honor—no carbs. McDonald’s even has a low-carb menu. What’s low carb at Micky D’s? When the place is closed?

  I don’t remember all this carb crap when I was growing up. If you were a fat sow, it usually was because you ate like one. We used to call it a glandular problem: an overactive mouth gland. And what about a hundred years ago? Or even two hundred years ago? You think there were a lot of chubby slaves running around? No, because they exercised. Yeah, it was forced, but nevertheless, ain’t nothing like a day of menial labor to burn off some vittles. Try it. Tote a barge, lift a bail in between banana splits. How about three thousand years ago? I’ve never seen a cave drawing of a fatassed Neanderthal. Because having to track down, kill, skin, and cook your own food will definitely help shed some pounds. Listen, if you’re going to eat like there’s no tomorrow, then at least walk around today.

  Bypass Them

  Al Roker opened up a can of fat-ass worms. He really started something that is annoying the fuck out of me. I know I’m wrong for feeling like this, but I can’t help it. Here goes: I’m sick of all of these obese people getting this gastric bypass surgery. It’s cheating. Diet and exercise is how you lose weight. You’re not supposed to lose weight by having surgery to shut off a large part of your stomach because you don’t know when to say “enough.” Stop being lazy.

  To me, these cheaters really didn’t accomplish anything, so I refuse to recognize their weight loss. When you see them, don’t tell them they look good. Don’t ask them how much they have lost. Ignore it. Don’t let them get away with that bullshit, say shit like, “Did you do something different to your hair?” “Hey, you got new glasses.” “Girl, you look so cute, are those new shoes?” Salespeople, if one of these sneaky bastards comes in your little boutique trying to find something for their new slender figure, look at her like she has some nerve bringing her wide ass in there. Don’t bring her a size eight, tell her to go waddle down to Lane Bryant. We must stop them from cheating like this.

  Fuck ’em, don’t tell them they look good. There are people in the gym sweating, working hard, damn near about to stroke out trying to lose weight. Those are the people that I encourage. In a minute, I’ll tell a 250-pound woman
walking on the treadmill, holding on for dear life, “Girl, Beyoncé better not let Jay-Z anywhere near you.” I’m not saying shit to Carnie Wilson. Surgery to physically make you stop eating, what kind of willpower is that? These celebrities are getting on my nerves. It’s different if you’re a poor overweight person who can’t afford to live a healthy lifestyle. But the ones who annoy me are the people who have money. They have no excuse for not eating well. They can afford personal trainers, cooks; they could’ve found thirty minutes a day to exercise. They found two hours to eat. Instead of getting a life-threatening surgery to bypass your stomach, next time try bypassing the fridge.

  Weight Loss

  If we are gonna commit to losing weight, we gotta incorporate more physical activity and better eating patterns on a daily basis. So instead of getting gastro…try some of these methods.

  METHODS WOMEN CAN USE TO GET IN SHAPE

  Open your own doors.

  Mow your own lawn.

  Stop singing in a choir and go run.

  Do your own hair. If you’re getting a weave, you could potentially be getting a ten-hour workout on arms alone.

  Rather than cry and be depressed over what your man didn’t do for you, fight him.

  TECHNIQUES MEN CAN USE TO LOSE WEIGHT

  Wash your entire body when taking a shower.

  Lick pussy while balancing on a stability ball.

  Participate in as many ball games as you attend and watch on TV.

  Do a jumping jack every time your girlfriend gets pissed at you.

  Instead of driving home from work, push your car.

  HOW TO RAISE NONFAT KIDS

  Throw away your child’s plate when they’re halfway finished.

  Punishment for every extra pound gained will be to read a book.

  Rather than giving your child a good spanking, stick your finger down their throat.

  Slip them a twenty-dollar bill for lunch money, surely a bully will chase them around the playground a few times before they take their money.

  Each time they lose a life while playing a videogame, make them run a lap around the house.

  Personal Trainer

  When I walk into a fitness club and see a personal trainer who is overweight, I head right for them. I feel better about myself; at least I don’t know any better. I’m not going to pay for some skinny chick to be hollering at me. Give me the big, sloppy trainer. I can meet his expectations and goals.

  He’ll count the walk from equipment to equipment as part of my cardio workout. You don’t have to worry about doing a bunch of long reps because all of that counting gets him winded. He knows the menu at the snack bar. “Girl, they got hot wings now.” The overweight trainer builds your confidence and your waistline.

  My favorite trainer was at this gym that had three levels. We would take the elevator. It would be the two of us, and the handicapped.

  Voluntary Punishment

  We wonder why America hates to exercise. It all began at an early age when gym teachers would punish us by giving us exercises.

  Teacher: Sykes, you are ten minutes late to class. You owe me ten push-ups.

  Ten push-ups!

  The whole time I wouldn’t be thinking about coming to class any earlier, I’d think…

  Fuck these damn push-ups!

  Fuck this class!

  This is gonna make me sweat. Now I’m gonna be stinky for the rest of the day!

  I’m not listening to his ass the rest of the semester!

  He can’t even do ten push-ups!

  This hurts!

  My arms are about to fall off!

  Fuck this class!

  I think I’m gonna puke!

  I’m never doing push-ups for as long as I live!

  What kind of sense does that make? We’ve been taught to associate physical activity with pain and punishment. That’s why we don’t wanna do it. Who wants to get up at 6:00 A.M. five days a week for a little pain and punishment? Nobody!

  “Wanna go out for a few drinks tonight?”

  “No, thanks. I gotta get up early for a little pain and punishment. I can’t wait!”

  Physical punishment is the reason that all the bad kids ended up being the strongest mutherfuckers in school. Some of our best athletes failed gym class…more than once.

  Bad Kid: My strength has improved significantly since last year.

  Reporter: Is Coach pushing you a little harder in order to win that district championship?

  Bad Kid: Naw, I’ve just consistently been late to gym class every day this semester.

  Those gym teachers would also give us a drill called “suicides” at the end of each class period. You had to sprint all the dimensions of a basketball court. Appropriately named “suicides,” it was one of those drills that made you wanna take your own life. I mean, how do suicides encourage me to make physical activity an everyday part of my lifestyle? They don’t! You don’t see a suicides class scheduled between yoga and Pilates classes.

  There’s another way that we’ve been conditioned to hate to exercise. We don’t see results quick enough. See, if we start drinking at 10:00 P.M., we want to be drunk by 11:00 P.M. If we smoke weed at 4:00 P.M., we expect to be high by 4:20 P.M. So we’re like, “If I weigh a hundred fifty pounds at ten A.M., after an hour of exercise, I want to be one fifteen.”

  Part Six

  I’m Gettin’ Paid

  March madness? Phooey! Who wants to watch a bunch of college players who aren’t good enough to go straight to the pros? Let’s face it, athletes peak at a younger age than they used to. What’s wrong with going straight to the pros?

  Maurice Clarett, for those of you who don’t know, he’s the running back who scored the winning touchdown in double overtime competition giving Ohio State their first national championship in thirty-four years. Coming off a season high like that, Clarett thought he was the shit, so he fought to go into the NFL draft. The NFL’s policy states that drafting a player who has been out of high school less than three years violates NFL antitrust law and harms competition. The courts ruled in favor of Clarett, so now it’s white girls galore for him.

  Come on, don’t you ever wonder what it is about the black athlete and the white girl? I’m shocked whenever I see a black pro player with a black woman. It’s like, “Damn, he must really love her. How’d she do that?”

  It’s almost as if white girls get ushered in as soon as the brother makes the team. At the combines the coaches are like, “He just ran a four-point-two. Get him a white girl. Four-point-two? Blonde hair, blue eyed. Here’s your jersey.”

  Back to Maurice, I don’t think the NFL should have an age limit. It’s football. He’ll find out real quick if he can cut it in the pros. Football is speed, strength, reflex; it’s not English Lit. When they call plays, it’s just a bunch of numbers, colors, and lefts and rights. I don’t give a damn if he’s coming out of the fifth grade. If he weighs in at 260, got skills, and speed, let him play. Put the pads on; suit his ass up.

  Why shouldn’t Clarett be allowed to play if he’s good enough to compete? Let the man get paid. He can always go back to school to get an education after his football career. I’m sure by then the facilities for the handicapped will be even better than today’s.

  It’s football. It’s not like he’s Doogie Howser and skipping medical school. I wouldn’t want some kid telling me I’m going to die. “Ummm, it’s like, your liver is like, not so good. Actually, it’s pretty gross. Dude, you’re like, game over, man.”

  Some opponents say, “Well, he’s not mature enough for the pro lifestyle.” Bullshit! The Olsen twins seem to be turning out just fine. Football is a sport, but bottom line, it’s entertainment. If Clarett gets drafted, he’ll be experiencing some shit he would be going through if he stayed in school. Only difference now is that the money is going into his pocket instead of the school’s endowment. And that’s what the big stink is all about.

  I don’t fault these kids for going straight to the pros, Garnett, Kobe, LaB
ron. They’re good enough to be in the pros, why dick around, risk an injury for a school who’s making millions off of you? Big deal, they give you a scholarship. It’s not like they are going to give you any free time to actually learn something. Check out the majors of these athletes at some of the big schools. Organizational leadership, sport and leisure, undeclared, liberal arts, therapeutic recreation, criminal justice. It’s like getting a college GED.

  Paid Pussies

  Once these baby superstars hit the pros, it’s on. Can you imagine playing against those big ol’ guys whose paychecks suck compared to yours? And they’ve been in the league for years and years, watching young motherfuckers like you get all the attention. I’d try to disappear and fake all my injuries until I was as old as those other guys. Derrick Coleman caught on. Sports are the only place where you can get paid for being a coward.

  Coach: And, Sykes, you’re up against Shaq tonight.

  Me: Think I pulled my hamstring, Coach.

  It’s not just in the pros. If you go to a college football game, you’ll notice about twenty players dressed in regular street clothes on the sidelines or in the stands. These are the players who have paid for college by using red shirts and injuries. Most of them are just a bunch of ex–high school players too afraid to make that jump to the next level, but some dumb coach thought they were good enough.