Our Secrets and Lies

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Dylan’s face darkened. ‘I never think about him, just like he never thinks about us.’Kelly rolled over and propped herself up on her elbow. ‘Sometimes I wish he hadn’t abandoned us – that he’d stayed and supported Mum. Things could have been so different.’

  Dylan turned his pillow over. ‘Who knows? They’d probably have split up and we’d have been with Mum anyway.’

  He was right, Kelly thought. Still, she didn’t believe Dylan never thought about their dad. She knew he did – she’d seen him over the years, watching the other players on his team when a father ran over to hug his son after a big win, or walked off the pitch with an arm around his shoulders, laughing together. Dylan would get this look of longing on his face, which gave Kelly a pain in her stomach when she saw it. She knew how much he wanted that too.

  But then Lucy would rush over, hug him and tell him how wonderful he was, and if Billy could leave the shop, he’d be there to pat him on the back too. Dylan was surrounded by love, but having your dad there … He’d always missed that.

  She’d missed it too. At her school plays, her mum would always be in the front row, cheering her on. But beside her, behind her and everywhere else, there were mums and dads together. Dads taking time out from work, sitting in their suits and ties, filming their little darlings. Kelly saw their eyes shining with pride as they clapped and cheered. Fathers besotted with their daughters – ‘Daddy’s little princess’. It hurt like hell.

  ‘Don’t get back with Taylor, Dylan. I understand it’s hard for you, but she is a bad influence. I didn’t mind covering for you and lying about what time you came in, but I knew it would affect your football. Taylor’s a party girl. You can’t keep up with her and the late nights.’

  ‘I know,’ Dylan said. ‘But I really like her, and now the word’s got out that she’s available the guys are all over her.’ He was gritting his teeth.

  ‘It hasn’t even been a week. It’ll get easier. Things always do,’ Kelly lied. It had been over two months and school had not got any easier for her. Every day felt like an eternity.

  ‘It feels like a year,’ Dylan muttered.

  ‘You’d better try to get some sleep – you have a big game tomorrow.’

  ‘Night, Kelly.’

  ‘Night, Dylan.’

  She walked out of the room and said a silent prayer that Dylan would get over Taylor soon and concentrate on living up to their mother’s expectations of them.

  31

  Sarah handed Mrs Kinavan her credit card and showed her to the door, then locked it, and went into the back room to get a cup of coffee.

  She put her phone on silent, sat on the couch and took her laptop out of her bag. She needed full concentration for this. She opened her emails. Tom had sent several, begging for information about the twins. He’d been deeply shocked to find out he had two children. He’d explained how sorry he was and how much he regretted his decision to leave all those years ago. He said he hadn’t been able to sleep since her message telling him he had twins.

  Please, Sarah, I am begging you to tell me about Dylan and Kelly. Tell me what they’re like. Are they happy? What are their interests? Please, tell me about my children. When Susie, my ex-wife, and I weren’t able to have any, I thought it was God’s way of cursing me because I’d got rid of the baby with Lucy. I felt so completely alone in the world after my divorce, but now I know that I have two children, I feel as if I’ve been given a second chance. I can’t sleep or concentrate in work. I’m so excited and shocked, and also really angry that my father deprived me of knowing my children. I will never, ever forgive him for this. We barely speak any more anyway but this is a betrayal I can never forgive.

  I hate myself for what I did, running away like a coward. I allowed my father to bully me and I’ve regretted it every day. But now I have these children, two amazing human beings. I understand it’s too soon to get in touch with Lucy, but please, Sarah, tell me about my children. I’m desperate to know more – nothing is too little or insignificant, any scrap of news will do. I’ve missed so much of their lives, it’s killing me.

  Sarah could feel his pain and guilt jumping off the screen. She knew what he had done was truly awful, but he certainly seemed to be paying for it. While Lucy at least had had the joy of watching her kids grow up into wonderful people, Tom was alone in New York with nothing in his life except work. It all sounded so empty and hollow. Sarah wanted to reach into the computer and hug him.

  He had done a terrible thing, running away like that, but should he spend the rest of his life suffering for it?

  Sarah remembered Lucy sitting on the floor in her bedroom crying her eyes out, heartbroken, crushed and devastated. Sarah had genuinely thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown – she was utterly destroyed by Tom and his dad. But somehow her friend had dug deep, picked herself up and raised her kids. Sarah was so proud of her, and she’d hated Tom for hurting Lucy so much. But now it was different. He hadn’t known about his children, so his running away had been cowardly but not cruel. And he was paying dearly for having missed out on his children’s lives.

  Still, Sarah had been afraid to write back. She never should have answered the first message but, then, he was their dad, he wanted to know them, and he had a right to. He’d been lied to. His children had been a secret kept from him for seventeen years. Sarah’s head throbbed. Had she done the right thing? Darren said she had, and in her heart, she knew that no father should be lied to, as Gabriel had lied to Tom.

  She sat down and began to write.

  Hi Tom, I understand you want to know about the twins so I’ll do my best to fill you in. Dylan is a tall, handsome fellow. Everyone likes him. He’s easy-going and good-humoured. He’s also a football star. He’s been playing since Billy (Lucy’s father) took him to the local club aged about six. He’s incredible, a striker. Kelly is bright and smart like Lucy. She’s an A student, always trying to please her mum and make her proud. She’s best friends with my daughter, Shannon. Kelly is a lovely, kind, thoughtful girl. I’m absolutely mad about her. As you saw from the photo on Facebook, Dylan looks like Lucy and Kelly is like you, Lucy has devoted herself to raising them and has done an incredible job. Her mum got sick after she had the twins and she nursed her until her dying day. She never got the chance to go back to college and finish her law degree and I know that really hurts. She never got to have the life she wanted because you ran away and left her. I’m sorry, Tom, but that’s the truth. If you had stayed and been a man, her life would be different. I’m not sure she will ever forgive you.

  This year, in a weird twist of fate, Dylan got a football scholarship to St Jude’s, which Lucy said is your old school. They gave one to Kelly too. So the twins are now at St Jude’s and are doing well. Dylan is shining on the football team and Kelly is still trying to find her feet. It hasn’t been easy for her, she was happy in her old school, but Lucy felt it was a great opportunity for them both to finish their last two years in a good school.

  So there you have it, a brief summary of the twins. I’m sorry you never knew they existed. I can’t imagine how angry and upset you are, but you have only your father to blame for that. I have to go now. Take care,

  Sarah

  PS I’ve attached some photos for you as I know you really wanted some.

  Sarah logged out and had just lifted her coffee to her lips when she heard a loud banging on the shutters. She put down her cup, hid the laptop in her bag and went through the salon to see who it was.

  She lifted the shutter, and Shannon stood there, in her school uniform, out of breath.

  ‘Any chance you could answer your bloody phone? I’ve called you a zillion times.’

  ‘Sorry, I had it on silent. What’s up?’

  ‘That freak of a son of yours has only bloody cut the top of his finger off.’

  ‘What?’ she gasped. ‘Is he all right?’

  ‘He’s fine. Dad said not to panic. He was with Billy in the shed when it happened. Billy called
over but saw the salon was shut and no one was at home, so he took Ollie straight to the hospital.’

  Sarah ran to get her bag and find her car keys. She unlocked the door, went outside, locked up and yanked the shutter down. She grabbed her daughter’s arm. ‘Come on, hurry.’

  Shannon pulled back. ‘Why do I have to go? He’s fine, and I said I’d go to Kelly’s after school.’

  Sarah glared at her. ‘You’re coming to the hospital to see if your brother’s all right.’

  ‘He’ll be grand, like he always is. He’s just mental.’

  Sarah ran ahead of Shannon through the emergency doors and bumped into Darren, who was waiting for her.

  ‘It’s okay.’ He hugged her. ‘He’s fine. Billy put the fingertip in a bag of frozen peas so they can sew it back on. He’ll be taken down to surgery soon.’

  Sarah needed to see her son. She went into his room. He was lying on a bed looking small and pale. ‘Hiya, Mum.’ He waved with his good hand.

  Sarah threw her arms around him. ‘You mad eejit, what the hell were you thinking?’

  ‘I was making you a box for your jewellery.’

  ‘Oh, love, that was very sweet of you.’

  ‘Billy was helping me, but then his phone rang and he told me to stop cutting for a minute, but sure I know how to do it so I just kept going and then it slipped.’

  ‘Oh, Ollie, you have to be more careful.’

  Sarah heard a cough behind her. Billy was standing there, ashen-faced. ‘I’m so sorry, Sarah. I’m completely responsible,’ he said, in a strangled voice.

  ‘Ah, Billy, will you stop? Ollie told me what happened. It’s not your fault.’

  ‘No, Billy,’ Ollie said. ‘It’s not your fault at all.’

  ‘Yes, it is. He was in my care, under my supervision. I told him to put down the saw, but then I turned away and didn’t make sure he did it.’

  ‘It’s got nothing to do with you, Billy. You’re a saint for letting him into your shed.’

  Shannon took a selfie with the hospital-room background. ‘I reckon he was dropped on his head when he was born. I bet Dad dropped him and is afraid to admit it.’

  Darren came back into the room with three coffees. He handed one to Billy, another to Sarah and kept the last for himself.

  ‘Did you, Dad?’ Shannon asked.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Drop Ollie on his head when he was a kid?’

  ‘No, and you can stop taking selfies. It’s a hospital, not a nightclub.’

  Shannon pouted and clicked. ‘I know, but it’s kind of cool to be in hospital.’

  Billy put his coffee down. ‘I’ll leave you in peace. I’ll wait outside.’

  ‘Go home and get some rest, Billy. I’ll call you when it’s sewn back on and tell you how it went,’ Darren said.

  Billy looked shocked. ‘There is no way I’m leaving this hospital until I know he’s on the mend. It happened on my watch, Darren. I have to know the lad’s finger is saved.’

  ‘Billy,’ Darren said, putting his hand on the older man’s shoulder, ‘Ollie has been in this hospital with two broken legs, three broken arms, four concussions and one broken nose. All of those accidents took place while he was on our watch.’

  ‘I’d never forgive myself if his finger wasn’t right.’ Billy’s voice shook.

  ‘Billy, he’ll be fine,’ Sarah said. ‘Honestly.’

  ‘I feel terrible. I’m obviously too old to look after a young boy. I took my eye off the ball. I promise you he won’t be allowed in the shed again. Not ever. It’s too dangerous. I should have known better.’

  ‘NO WAY!’ Ollie roared, his eyes wild. ‘I am not giving up the shed. Don’t make me, Billy. Please!’

  ‘Ah, now, Billy, don’t say that. He loves being with you in the shed.’ Darren looked alarmed. ‘We’ve seen a huge difference in him – he’s so much happier, these days.’

  ‘He really is, Billy,’ Sarah added. ‘He loves that time with you and you’re such a good influence on him. He’s even going to bed earlier because you told him to. Please don’t give up on him because of this.’

  ‘Please, Billy,’ Ollie pleaded. ‘I will never, ever, ever, ever not do what you say again. I swear on my life and Mum and Dad’s life and Shannon’s life and –’

  Billy smiled. ‘Let’s get through tonight, Ollie, and we can talk about it again. I’ll wait outside. I need to stretch my legs.’

  They watched as Billy left. Ollie turned to his parents, tears streaming down his face. ‘I will not give up the shed. No way. You have to make Billy see it’s not his fault. It’s mine. I didn’t listen to him. I’m a gobshite, I know I am. I love making stuff with Billy. Dad, Mum, you have to make Billy take me back. Please, I love it there, it’s the best part of my week.’

  Sarah sat down and took Ollie’s hand. ‘Ollie, we’ll talk to Billy. But you have to stop doing dangerous things and taking risks with your safety. You are a ten-year-old boy, not an SAS soldier or Bear Grylls or any of them. You are Ollie McDaid, only son of Sarah and Darren, who love you and want you to remain in one piece.’

  ‘I know, and I was being really careful with Billy’s tools because he makes me be careful. He shows me how to do things properly and not rush.’

  Shannon looked up from her phone. ‘Maybe you should send him to one of those army schools. They make you get up at, like, four in the morning and shout at you and make you run up mountains with a flipping wardrobe on your back and then do push-ups in the mud, and then you have to eat crap food and go to bed at six. He’d be too tired to get into trouble.’

  ‘Don’t send me away. I just want to go home and see Billy in his shed every week. I’ll be really good in school and I won’t climb onto roofs or try to light fires or anything. I don’t mean to mess in school, but it’s so boring,’ Ollie wailed.

  ‘Ollie,’ Darren said, ‘I found school boring. In fact, ninety per cent of kids find it boring, but you have to go. It’s the law.’

  Ollie buzzed his bed up and down. ‘Larry’s started tae kwon do. They have a brilliant teacher over in Sandyford. Larry said he’s the best and the classes are deadly fun.’

  ‘Tae kwon do?’ Sarah didn’t like the sound of it.

  ‘What’s Tie-wandoo?’ Shannon asked. ‘Is it some kind of mad Chinese thing? Is he going to be kicking doors in and breaking the table with his fist?’

  ‘No, you thick. Tae kwon do is a Korean martial art, and it’s all about fast head-height kicks and spinning kicks.’

  ‘Oh, brilliant. Yeah, that sounds like a great plan. Send Ollie to a class where he learns to do spin kicks and high kicks so he can kick us all in the head at breakfast. You know he’s just going to end up knocking some kid unconscious in the yard and then you’ll be sorry.’

  ‘I won’t – I swear I won’t. And anyway, Shannon, at least I’ll be learning something, unlike you who spends all day hanging around with Kelly talking about boys. You’re pathetic.’

  ‘I’m not the one who always ends up in hospital,’ Shannon said, then turned her attention back to her phone.

  ‘So, Dad, can I do it? Can I do tae kwon do?’

  ‘I’ll call the instructor and see if I can get you into that group. But this is your last chance. If you don’t behave from now on and stop trying to injure and kill yourself and give me and your mum and poor Billy heart attacks, I’ll kill you myself.’

  Ollie jumped up and threw his arms into the air. ‘Brilliant! Thanks, Dad and Mum. I promise I’ll behave. I’m going to be the fastest kid in Ireland to go from white belt to black belt.’

  ‘God save us all.’ Darren reached out and squeezed Sarah’s hand.

  32

  Dylan was up early the next morning. He went for a run and forced himself to think about the game, not Taylor. He had turned his phone off. He couldn’t stand any more Facebook posts, Snapchat or Instagram pictures of Taylor. She’d posted one yesterday of her in a skin-tight red leather dress: Ready for Sat night!!!!!

  She look
ed stunning. Dylan wanted to reach into the photo and touch her. Within minutes there were loads of comments on how incredible she looked, a lot of them from guys. Dylan’s head was wrecked.

  He turned up the music on his iPod to full volume and pounded his feet on the pavement. Soon he was dripping sweat and his chest was bursting with the speed he was going at. Faster and faster he ran. He had to get her out of his mind.

  When he got home he found Kelly curled up on the couch, smiling at her phone. ‘Wow, Kelly, I’d forgotten what your smile looked like,’ he said. ‘It’s good to see. Is it a guy?’

  ‘Maybe.’ Kelly grinned.

  ‘From St Jude’s?’

  Kelly rolled her eyes. ‘As if.’

  ‘Anyone I know?’

  ‘Sean,’ Kelly said, ‘but don’t tell Mum.’

  ‘Aren’t you supposed to have broken up with him?’

  ‘Technically, yes.’

  Dylan shrugged. ‘I won’t say a word. He seems okay. Brother’s a tosser, though. I hope he treats you well. If he doesn’t, dump him or tell me and I’ll sort him out.’

  ‘I don’t need you to protect me. Go and shower, you stink.’

  Dylan was glad Kelly looked happier. It had been a long time since he’d seen her smile like that.

  He thought about Taylor in the shower, while having breakfast and all the way to the game. It was only when he was on the pitch that he stopped. It was tough. The guys from Daleside were very physical and tried to intimidate the St Jude’s team. Some of his teammates were a bit distracted by the hacking, elbowing in the face, tackling off the ball, and one guy even got his balls squeezed.

  ‘Referee!’ Jordan roared. ‘He grabbed his nuts! Come on, this is ridiculous. Whadda you want, for him to rip them off?’

  At half-time they were two–nil down. Jordan called them over.

  ‘Right, lads, you need to toughen the hell up. These guys are walking all over you. Stand tall, give as good as you get, but don’t give away penalties. Watch Dylan. He knows how to handle himself. He pushes back, ducks and dives to avoid the elbows and gets in their face so they know they can’t intimidate him. You need to do the same. Grow some balls, lads. Get out there and give it back. Get up in their faces. Show them who’s boss.’