Our Secrets and Lies

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Lucy hadn’t moved a muscle. She stared at Tom, unable to speak or move. It was surreal. Her brain couldn’t take it in.

  ‘Please,’ Tom said, holding up his hands. ‘I just want a chance to explain.’

  ‘Get out of my house,’ Lucy hissed. ‘Go away and don’t come back.’

  There was a sudden movement, and before any of them realized what was happening, Billy was in front of Tom. He pulled his arm back and punched Tom across the left cheek. The sound made the three women jump. Tom fell sideways onto the floor, where he lay clutching his face. Slowly, he stood up. Billy was standing there, his breathing ragged, eyes full of tears.

  ‘Stop!’ Jenny shouted, running around to grab hold of her father.

  ‘Well done, Dad. Now you can bugger off back to America,’ Lucy shouted at Tom. ‘You do not get to waltz back in here after all this time. No way. We don’t want you here!’

  Lucy turned to Sarah and shook a trembling finger in her face. ‘As for you, you back-stabbing bitch, how could you bring him here? How could you let him come into our lives? I thought you were my friend. After everything I’ve been through!’ Lucy began to cry.

  Sarah tried to put her hand on Lucy’s shoulder, but she brushed her off. ‘Lucy, he didn’t know they existed. He’s their dad – he just wants to know them. You had a dad who loved you. I didn’t and I missed it. I still miss never having had a dad who gave a damn about me. Tom wants to make amends. He’s sorry.’

  ‘Sorry!’ Lucy shouted, glaring at Tom. ‘Now? After abandoning us? Now he’s sorry. It’s too late.’

  ‘Give him a chance to explain,’ Jenny pleaded. ‘He honestly didn’t know about the twins.’

  ‘How could you betray me?’ Lucy said angrily. ‘You’re my sister. You saw what he did – you saw what I went through.’ She sobbed.

  ‘Jenny only found out recently. It was me who was in touch with Tom. If you want to blame someone, blame me,’ Sarah said.

  ‘What the hell is going on? Why is everyone shouting?’ Dylan stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the shop, staring at them in confusion.

  ‘No,’ Lucy said, moving towards him.

  ‘Dylan.’ Tom’s voice cracked. ‘I’m –’

  ‘Who is he?’ Dylan’s voice shook as he looked at Lucy, who was crying.

  There was a silence, then Jenny said gently, ‘He’s your dad.’

  Dylan recoiled in shock. ‘What? I … how …’

  ‘I’m so happy to meet you,’ Tom said, walking towards him and proffering his hand.

  ‘Get the fuck away from me.’

  Tom held up his hands. ‘Dylan, I know this is a huge shock to you. It is to me too. I had no idea that –’

  Dylan jerked away from him and put his arm around Lucy’s shoulders. ‘You’re not my dad. A dad is someone who shows up every day. Someone who actually gives a shit about you and doesn’t run away like a coward before you’re born. Piss off. I don’t want anyone upsetting my mum.’ His voice shook with emotion.

  ‘Dylan, please.’ Tom tried to suppress a sob. Even saying the name made him want to weep with joy. His son, his magnificent son, was standing in front of him. Tom wanted to reach out and pull him into his arms. His son.

  But he knew he had to stay in control. ‘Dylan, I swear to you, I do not want to upset anyone, least of all Lucy. I deeply regret leaving your mother that day. I was a coward and a fool and I hate myself for what I did. But I had no idea I had children. I didn’t know you existed until recently, and when I found out …’ Tom’s voice cracked ‘… I had to come. I just had to.’

  Billy stood between Dylan and Tom and eyeballed Tom. ‘Listen here, sonny, you left my young daughter pregnant and heartbroken. You never came back and you never even had the decency to contact her. You deserted her and never bothered to ask what happened because you didn’t care. Lucy raised those kids on her own and I couldn’t be prouder of my grandkids. You don’t get to come back in here and pretend it’s all okay. Who the hell do you think you are to come in here now, when Lucy is on her knees with worry and stress about our Kelly? I will not have my daughter being upset by you or that prick of a father of yours. You’ve caused enough trouble in this family. So just get the hell out of here.’

  ‘Please!’ Tom said desperately.

  ‘You’re not my dad and I’m not your son. You mean nothing to me. These people are my family, not you,’ Dylan choked out, as he looked around the room at the people who had raised him.

  ‘Go away, Tom,’ Lucy cried. ‘No one wants you here. You’re not welcome. Go, and you can go too, Sarah. Get out of this house. I never want to see either of you again.’

  ‘Why the hell are you talking to my mum like that?’ Shannon was standing at the door, holding Kelly, who was leaning on her friend and staring at them wide-eyed. ‘What’s going on?’

  Beside her, Kelly was gazing at Tom. They had locked eyes.

  ‘Oh, my God,’ Kelly gasped. ‘It’s you, isn’t it?’

  Tom nodded.

  ‘He’s who?’ Shannon said. Then she looked from Tom back to Kelly and back again. ‘Bloody hell!’ she shouted. ‘You’re the image of him! Are you her dad?’

  ‘Yes, I’m her dad,’ Tom said, his heart bursting with pride.

  ‘No, no, no way,’ Lucy said, rushing forward. ‘Don’t even look at her. Get out. Take him out, Sarah, and don’t either of you ever come back. I won’t let you rip my family apart.’

  ‘Don’t be mean to Mum,’ Shannon said fiercely. ‘She’s been a great friend to you – always there for you and the twins. She’s been a rock to you, Lucy, and don’t you go forgetting that now.’

  Lucy’s face was flushed. ‘But she lied to me and she betrayed me. I can’t forgive that.’

  ‘Well, try harder. Remember all the amazing things Mum has done. And by the way,’ she looked at Tom, ‘I think you’re a total dickhead for running away.’

  ‘I was,’ Tom said. ‘Really and truly. But I didn’t know about the twins. My father told me Lucy had had an abortion. I had no idea he was lying. So I went away. I was a pathetic coward but I didn’t know. I swear to you. To both of you,’ he said, looking at Dylan. ‘I wish so badly that things had been different. I’ve missed so much of your lives. I’m just so sorry.’

  Tom began to sob. He covered his face with his hand. His shoulders shook. He sounded like a lost child.

  Kelly stood up straight and took a few slow steps towards him. She reached out her hand and held his. ‘Don’t cry. It’s okay. You’re here now.’

  53

  ‘This family is going to end up on Jeremy Kyle,’ Dylan said, as he lay down on the bed next to Kelly.

  She shifted a little to make room for him.

  ‘Everything is crazy right now,’ she agreed. ‘I could never have imagined any of this.’

  Dylan rested his head against hers. ‘I’m so glad you’re here and still with me,’ he said.

  ‘Me too,’ Kelly whispered.

  ‘Can you tell me why you did it?’ he asked.

  Kelly stared at a little spider on the ceiling. It hurt her heart to talk about it, to think about it. She felt like she was going to have to say sorry for the rest of her life. ‘I just felt trapped,’ she said. ‘I dreaded school every day because they were always looking for ways to humiliate me, and then when I wasn’t at school it still didn’t stop because my phone was always buzzing with messages. The whole class hated me, Dylan. Melissa was the ringleader, but it wasn’t just her. Every post she put up got so many likes and comments. I was just a scholarship pig to them. I really tried, for Mum’s sake and yours, but then there was that video, and Sean breaking up with me …’

  ‘Jesus, Kelly, it must have been a nightmare,’ Dylan said. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t see it. I was so caught up in my own stuff.’

  ‘That happens too,’ Kelly said. ‘I know we’re twins and all, but we can’t know everything each other is thinking. Life is going to get in the way.’

  ‘I don’t want
it to,’ he said, which made her smile because he sounded about seven years old again.

  ‘I need to say sorry to you,’ Kelly said, taking his hand. ‘I hadn’t planned to do it but I thought I could stop the pain. I just wanted it all to go away.’ Kelly’s voice shook. ‘I know it was wrong and I gave everyone a terrible fright. I never meant to, honestly. I wasn’t thinking straight.’

  ‘You have nothing to be sorry for. You were in hell,’ Dylan said.

  She nodded. ‘That’s true, but my actions caused so much pain for all of you. That’s what really kills me.’

  ‘Everyone loves you, Kelly. They’re just so relieved and happy that you’re safe and well. All of that is over now. We’re all looking at the future and how we can be better to each other.’

  ‘What about Dad?’ Kelly said.

  ‘You mean Tom?’

  ‘Yes,’ Kelly said, smiling. ‘Our father. What are you thinking now about all that? You’ve had a day to get over the shock. Where’s your head at?’

  Dylan’s body tensed. ‘He’s nothing to me,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to know.’

  ‘Did you read the email?’ Kelly asked.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Well, didn’t that explain it? I mean, it wasn’t really his fault.’

  ‘He never bothered to see if Mum was okay. He just left her to deal with everything – whether she had an abortion or not,’ Dylan said. ‘He’s a selfish prick.’

  ‘I’d like to get to know him,’ Kelly said quietly.

  ‘Well, you’re a much better person than me. I don’t want or need him in my life.’

  ‘Liar,’ Kelly said.

  Dylan’s head jerked back and he looked at her. ‘What?’

  ‘Liar,’ Kelly repeated. ‘I know you’ve missed having a dad as much as I have. There’s a hole in your heart where a dad is supposed to be. You don’t want to admit you need him, but you do.’

  ‘No way,’ Dylan said. ‘Mum did a great job and we had Billy too. Tom can sod off back to America.’

  Kelly was quiet for a moment. Then she said, ‘Do you mind if I see him?’

  ‘Of course not. It’s your choice. I just want you to be happy. If that makes you happy, go for it.’

  ‘I’m glad you don’t mind,’ Kelly said. ‘I don’t know about Mum, though. I think she’s nearly having a breakdown at this stage.’

  ‘Can you blame her?’ Dylan said. ‘It’s been a hell of a shock. She’s had a lot to deal with these past few days. She’s freaking out about everything going wrong.’

  ‘I know. But maybe things will get better now,’ Kelly said. ‘Maybe this is a new chapter in our lives.’

  Dylan smiled at his sister. ‘Good old Kelly, always hoping for the best.’

  Kelly shrugged. ‘I want to look forward now. I think we all need to. I’ve come back from the brink and I’m determined to live an honest and happy life from now on.’

  Dylan squeezed her hand. ‘You deserve it, sis.’

  So do you, Kelly thought. So do all of us.

  54

  Kelly lay wrapped in blankets on the couch. Jenny stroked her forehead. ‘How are you doing, sweetheart?’

  ‘Good, thanks. I feel stronger each day.’

  Jenny kissed her head. ‘We’re so glad to have you home. Do you need anything? Another duvet? Pillow? Tea?’

  Kelly smiled. ‘I’m fine, honestly. Mum’s been fussing over me. I have everything I need.’

  She seemed so young and frail, it was hard not to cry just looking at her. Jenny stood up to go. ‘I’ll let you have a little snooze.’

  ‘Jenny?’

  ‘Yes, love?’

  ‘It feels like a kind of miracle that my dad turned up when I most needed him.’

  Jenny smiled. ‘I guess you could say that.’

  ‘He seems really nice.’

  Jenny picked up a magazine from the floor and put it on the coffee-table. ‘Yes, he does.’

  ‘Do you think Mum will let him come and visit me here? He’s been texting me and I’d like to see him properly.’

  ‘Well, it’s been a shock to all of us, especially your mum. I think she just needs a little bit of time to get used to the idea that Tom is here.’

  Kelly rubbed her eyes. ‘Will you have a word with her? She listens to you. I don’t want her to think I’m going to run off with him or anything. I’d just like to get to know him, that’s all.’

  Jenny stroked her cheek. ‘I will, pet. I’ll talk to her. But it has been a massive shock, so you might need to be patient, okay?’

  Kelly nodded. Jenny went to stand up again, but Kelly reached out and took her hand. ‘Jenny, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘For the grief I caused. I’m really sorry.’

  ‘Don’t even think about it,’ Jenny said, squeezing her hand. ‘You never have to apologize for being sad and overwhelmed. I’m sorry I didn’t see how bad it was.’

  ‘But what I did … I shouldn’t have. I should have talked to you, or someone. I didn’t plan it, Jenny. I want you to know that.’

  Jenny bit back tears. ‘I’m really glad to hear that,’ she said. ‘But please, Kelly, don’t ever let things get so bad again. I’m always here for you. Always. I’m Team Kelly, every step of the way.’

  ‘I know that,’ Kelly said. ‘Thank you.’

  Lucy was in the garden, sitting on the bench in the corner, her face up to the weak winter sun. Billy and Ollie were in the shed, banging and hammering. Whatever they were making involved a lot of noise and effort. Thankfully, Frank Sinatra singing ‘Fly Me To The Moon’ was drowning most of the noise.

  ‘Penny for your thoughts?’ Jenny asked, as she sat down next to her.

  Lucy opened her eyes. ‘I honestly don’t know what my thoughts are any more.’ She looked exhausted. Her skin was pale and black shadows hung under her eyes.

  ‘It’s been a crazy few days. You’ll need a bit of time to process it all.’

  ‘The important thing is that Kelly’s home,’ Lucy said.

  ‘Absolutely. She said she feels a little stronger today, still wiped out, though.’

  ‘The doctors said it’ll take her weeks to get her strength back. We have to build her up – she isn’t eating much.’

  ‘She’ll be okay. Kelly’s a fighter, like her mother.’

  ‘I feel like a loser, not a fighter,’ Lucy said.

  ‘Come on, stop beating yourself up.’

  ‘I failed her, Jenny. What kind of mother doesn’t see that her daughter is suicidal? I’m so ashamed of and angry with myself. I’ll never forgive myself, never.’

  ‘We all failed her, Lucy. None of us saw it.’

  ‘But I’m her mother. I’m supposed to protect her and I didn’t. I sent her into that school day after day to be bullied and humiliated. I ignored her when she told me she hated it. I forced her to go there, and all because I wanted her to be better than me. I destroyed her happiness because I was so hell bent on proving that I was the best mother in the world. What kind of person does that?’

  Jenny exhaled deeply. ‘The kind of person who wants the best for their kids. You did nothing wrong, Lucy. You took an opportunity and went with it. We all messed up. None of us listened to Kelly.’

  ‘She tried to tell me, Jenny, but I didn’t want to hear. I wanted her to shine in St Jude’s more than for her to be happy.’

  ‘Well, okay, your obsession with St Jude’s was a little blinding, but Dylan loves it there and you presumed Kelly would settle in eventually.’

  ‘How am I ever going to make it up to her?’

  Jenny seized her opportunity. ‘Kelly loves you and she knows you adore her. She’s the most big-hearted person I know. I was just talking to her and she was saying she’d like to see Tom.’

  Lucy groaned. ‘I want him to go away. Why did he have to turn up now, in the middle of this crisis? He must think I’m a wretched person and the loser his father said I was. I certainly proved them right.’

  ‘Stop it.’ Jenny felt anger rising inside her. �
�Jesus, Lucy, stop bloody obsessing about what they think. For Christ’s sake, who gives a damn what Tom or Gabriel thinks? It’s what Kelly and Dylan think that matters. Why do you still care? Have you not learnt anything from all this? For God’s sake, let it go.’

  Lucy sat back away from her. ‘I just don’t need Tom coming in here seeing us at our worst, and don’t you dare lecture me. You lied to me and kept the secret that he was coming over. You went behind my back. You should have told me. You should have prepared me. And I can’t help caring what they think of me. When someone humiliates you, treats you like dirt and makes you feel like scum, it hurts.’ Lucy was crying. ‘It hurts like hell.’

  ‘I know it hurt you, but it was a long time ago and you raised two wonderful kids who love you and need you. Stop wasting your time thinking about bloody Gabriel. It’s making you blind, Lucy, blind to your kids’ needs. You’re stuck in the past. Move on! We nearly lost Kelly. You have to stop being so hard on your kids and making them think they have to be the best and succeed all the time, not go out to parties and make mistakes like normal kids. Let them breathe. Stop micro-managing their lives. Listen to them. Listen to what they want. Kelly wants to know her dad, and if that’s what she needs right now, then you’re just going to bloody well have to suck it up and agree to it.’

  Jenny was right. The only people whose opinion mattered about her mothering were the twins. Why had she let Gabriel and her anger towards him distract her so much? The twins were all that mattered. Their love and respect was all she should need. She had to start listening to them. Lucy’s head throbbed. She’d been so foolish, spending all this time and energy being angry and stupid … really, really stupid.

  ‘I just wanted to prove to them that I was a good mother. But you’re right. I’ve wasted far too much time being angry with Tom and his rotten father. I’m such a fool. I just want everything to go back to normal.’

  ‘There’s going to be a new normal now,’ Jenny said firmly. ‘Whether you like it or not, Tom is here. We can’t turn back the clock. You have to accept it and try to manage it. He didn’t know about them, Lucy. He missed all those precious years that you had. You can’t stop him seeing his kids. Don’t drive a wedge between you. They have to be allowed to see him. If you try to block him, you’ll hurt them and you may even lose them. This is not your decision to make. It’s theirs. Stop trying to control everything. Step back and hand control to the twins. They’re almost adults. Let Kelly see Tom. She wants it and she should be allowed to have whatever she wants.’