‘They all are,’ Sarah said. ‘We’re doing a pretty good job, you and me. We may not ever get a mother-of-the-year award, but we’re doing enough.’
Lucy couldn’t see it that way, not right now. The scars on her daughter’s wrists meant she could only feel sick dread at what had almost happened, and her role in it. The words of Sarah, Jenny and Damien were rolling around in her head, impossible to ignore. She knew they had all tried before, particularly Jenny, but she’d built a hard shell around her that meant nothing said could get through to her. But now it had.
She owed Damien an apology. When things calmed down, she’d call him and say she was sorry face to face. Maybe she could rebuild the bridges she’d burnt there too.
What Kelly had done had smashed through every defence Lucy had erected. Nothing would ever be the same again. She had to find the strength inside herself to make some tough changes. There was no other way forward now.
56
Lucy sat at the corner table in the hotel bar. To the right of them, a woman played traditional Christmas songs on the piano. A huge fir tree groaned under the weight of tinsel and baubles.
Lucy clenched her hands as a waiter placed their coffees on the table and a plate with two slices of chocolate cake between them. ‘I told you not to order me food. I’m not hungry,’ she said.
‘I thought you might decide to have some. It doesn’t matter.’ Tom pushed the cake aside. ‘I want to thank you for agreeing to meet me. I didn’t hold out much hope, I can tell you.’
‘It’s not what I really want,’ Lucy said, ‘but this is where things are at and we have to deal with it.’
‘I want to say a huge sorry to you,’ Tom said. ‘Before anything else, I’m so sorry. I was stupid and blind and too scared of my father to do what I should have done, to do the right thing. I’m really sorry about that. I pay for it every day of my life.’
Lucy thought about her own life and the effect Gabriel had had on her. In truth, she realized suddenly, she didn’t have much of a leg to stand on when it came to judging Tom’s behaviour. ‘We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, Tom,’ she said. ‘I wish you’d made different choices, but we can’t rewrite the past, can we?’
‘No,’ he said. ‘I can’t change it, even though it kills me.’ He looked up at her. ‘But I’d like a chance to explain, if you’ll listen. I know it doesn’t matter in one way, but I’d love to describe what it was like from my side.’
Lucy nodded. ‘I’ll listen.’
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I know what I did was unforgivable. I was so weak and pathetic. I let my dad bully me into abandoning you and then I didn’t have the backbone to come home and fix things. I’ve tried to make sense of it, but the only excuse I have is that Dad was all I had. I never knew my mother and I spent my whole life craving Dad’s approval and love. I know it’s stupid, but he always made me feel inadequate, as if I was letting him down. I was desperate to make him proud of me and the only way I knew how to do that was to do as he told me. I hated my childhood – it was so lonely in that house. I think that’s why I liked school so much, because I got to be with other kids. If I’d refused to go to New York, I knew Dad would never speak to me again and I was terrified of that.’ He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and looked at her.
‘I’m so ashamed of what I did to you. I was mad about you. It hurt like hell to leave, but in the end I was too weak to choose you over him. I left you because I was scared of him. I honestly thought you’d have the abortion and move on. After going to New York and leaving you, I thought it was best to let you get on with your life. I figured you’d come out top of the class, marry some fellow genius lawyer and have a huge career. I messed everything up. I am completely to blame for all of it. I’m sorrier than I can ever say. If it’s any consolation, my life has been empty and very lonely. I’m divorced and have no kids – I mean, no other kids. I hate myself for what I did. I really do, Lucy.’
Lucy took a sip of coffee, then cradled the cup in her hands. ‘It does make me feel better that your life didn’t turn out well. It may seem spiteful, but it does. I was twenty-one, Tom, a young girl trying to make my way in the world, a girl with a bright future, and you destroyed that. If you’d stayed, we could have worked it out so we could both have stayed in college and, much more importantly, the kids would have known their father. I’m not saying we would have got married and lived happily ever after, but we would have muddled through, sharing custody at least. But you just walked away and never even had the balls to tell me to my face or to ask what happened. I could have died having the abortion or got an infection or changed my mind, as I did, but you never bothered to find out.
‘My parents were heartbroken that I got pregnant and dropped out of college, but they supported me. If it wasn’t for them, I’d have ended up on the street. You just left me and never looked back. When I saw your father to try to find you, he called me a slut and kicked me out of the house. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? Do you have any idea how crushed I felt? How belittled and demeaned?
‘Everything I wanted out of life was taken from me. I had to dig so deep to get through those first years with the twins. And then, just when I was beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel, Mum got cancer. I had to nurse her and watch her die. So while you were feeling lonely, I was being crushed under the weight of responsibility, grief and heartbreak.’
Tom rubbed his eyes. ‘Lucy, I’m sorry. As I said, I thought I was doing you a favour by not contacting you. Dad told me you’d had the abortion and it all went well. I believed him. I guess I wanted to believe him. I know it sounds shallow and selfish, and it was – it is. I was a stupid kid who didn’t have the balls to stand up to his tyrant of a father. And because of that you were left alone and abandoned and I missed out on my children’s lives, which hurts like hell. I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could make it up to you and the twins somehow …’ Tom wiped his eyes with a napkin.
Lucy knew there was nothing he could do to make up for what he had done. He’d lived with his mistake and, to be fair, he really did seem to have had a sad and empty life. Her life had been difficult, but she’d had the twins to bring her so much joy, to fill her days, her life and her heart. She had hated him for so long. But now as she looked at this thin man, weeping into a napkin, full of remorse and sorrow, she felt nothing. She kind of felt sorry for him. She thought about what Jenny had said. It wasn’t about her, it was about the kids and what they wanted.
‘So what do you want?’ Lucy asked, even though part of her didn’t want to know the answer. She took a deep breath and tried to control her emotions.
‘I don’t want anything,’ Tom said. ‘Well, I suppose I do, in that I’d like the chance to get to know the twins. If they’d like that.’
‘Okay,’ Lucy said. ‘The only thing that matters now is the twins’ happiness. Kelly wants you in her life, so you can see her whenever you like. Dylan doesn’t want to see you – he’s very angry. I won’t have you stalking him. If he wants to talk to you, he’ll do so in his own good time, but he may never want to, Tom. You have to face that fact.’
Tom looked at her gratefully. This was hard for him, Lucy could see. But it had been harder for Dylan to grow up with no dad.
‘You were never in his life, never there. He has never needed you and he doesn’t feel he needs you now. Maybe over time he’ll soften, but if he doesn’t, it’s his decision. You do not get to come back here and start interfering in their lives. They will dictate if they want to see you, not me or you.’
‘I totally agree,’ Tom said. ‘I swear I’ll never push myself on them. I understand Dylan’s anger – I’d have been angry if my dad was never around too. Mind you,’ Tom laughed bitterly, ‘I had a dad who was present and I hated him.’
‘Yeah, well, you didn’t get so lucky there.’
‘I often wonder whether he would have been nicer if my mother hadn’t died. Would she ha
ve made him let me stay and stand up to my responsibilities?’
Lucy pursed her lips. ‘As a woman, I’m sure she would. Women don’t run away. They stay and stick it out.’
‘You’ve done an incredible job, Lucy. The twins are amazing. You’re a wonderful mother. All credit to you.’
Lucy felt a lump building in her throat. ‘I thought I was doing a good job too but now, well, I’m not so sure I’m Mother of the Year with a daughter who tried to kill herself. I failed, and failed badly.’
‘Hey, this is not your fault. No one is to blame except those heartless bullies. I had no idea kids could be so cruel. It’s mind-blowing to think they could hurt Kelly like that. She’s so … she’s so …’
‘Wonderful?’
Tom smiled. ‘Yes.’
‘And kind and thoughtful and talented and sensitive and loving and caring and, underneath it all, thank God, she’s also strong,’ Lucy added.
‘Like her mother. I’d like to see Kelly today, if that’s okay.’
‘If Kelly says it is, then it’s fine with me.’
‘Great. She asked if I could call over this afternoon, about four.’
‘Fine.’
Lucy didn’t want Tom in her house or near the kids, but if Kelly wanted to see him, she would say nothing. From now on Kelly would have whatever she wanted. Lucy had finished telling her what to do or trying to make decisions for her. She was a smart, sensible girl and she should be allowed to fly. Lucy would never clip her daughter’s wings again. She’d been wrong about so many things and over-parenting was one of them.
‘Just don’t stay too long. She gets tired very easily. It’s going to take a while to build her back up, physically and emotionally. Jesus, when I think … If you’d seen her … the blood …’ Lucy began to cry. The image of Kelly lying in her own blood would haunt her for ever. ‘How could I have missed it? I knew she wasn’t mad about St Jude’s, and then all the stuff with Taylor and the photo happened and we were all cross with her, but I had no idea about the bullying. I should have known. It’s a mother’s job to protect their kids from harm.’
‘Has there been any word from the school?’ Tom asked.
Lucy nodded. ‘The headmaster called me and they’re investigating. Poor Mr Gough is devastated too – he has a real soft spot for Kelly. I sent him all of Shannon’s photos of the WhatsApps and Facebook posts. He has promised that all of the girls who were involved will be severely punished. He’s very keen to keep it out of the media. I got the usual speech about “not wanting a few nasty girls destroying the reputation of the whole school”. So I told him that if I wasn’t satisfied with the punishments, I’d be going straight to the press. I reckon there will be quite a few empty desks at St Jude’s in January. Taylor told Dylan that Melissa is already moving to a boarding school in England. Good riddance to her.’
‘You do have grounds to press criminal charges,’ Tom noted.
‘I know,’ Lucy sighed, ‘but Kelly’s begged me to leave it alone. She wants to put it behind her and move on. I promised I wouldn’t go to the police, although I would dearly love to see those little bitches being cross-examined in a courtroom.’
‘God, me too.’
‘But Kelly wants it behind her, so we have to accept that. She doesn’t want revenge, she wants peace. She said she wants to go back to Woodside, her old school, so I’ve set up a meeting with the headmistress. I’m hoping I can persuade her to take Kelly back. I know she’ll be safe there with Shannon at her side. God, I owe Shannon so much. She’s been a rock to Kelly.’
‘She seems like a great girl and a really good friend.’
‘She is, just like her mother was to me when I was at my lowest point in life.’
‘Your friends are a reflection of you. I guess that’s why my father has none,’ Tom said.
After all these years of being the big looming shadow of her past, Lucy could now see Gabriel for what he was: a bully, who alienated everyone in his life and whose only son hated him. But, then, who was she to judge him? Gabriel had forced Tom to go to New York and Lucy had forced Kelly to go to St Jude’s.
She had almost lost her daughter because she had bullied her into doing something she hadn’t wanted to do. ‘I’m like Gabriel,’ she said, almost to herself, feeling sick to her stomach. ‘I made Kelly go to that school against her will. Oh, my God, I’m just like him.’ Her hand flew to her mouth.
Tom grabbed her arm. ‘You’re nothing like him. I lived with him but he never loved me or anyone else. He’s incapable of love. You love Kelly so much it almost hurts to see. You adore her – you sacrificed everything for her. You have done nothing wrong. You were given an opportunity and you took it. Do not blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault. You have raised a beautiful girl and I’m so proud to know her. You’re a brilliant mother, Lucy, despite all of the curve balls life threw at you. You made those kids what they are today and they are magnificent.’
‘Thanks,’ Lucy croaked. ‘I do love them more than anything, but I have to admit my mistakes, learn from them and change. I’ll never make them do anything against their will again. I thought I knew what was best for them, but I was wrong. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to Kelly.’
Tom raised his coffee cup. ‘A toast, to making up for our mistakes. May we both have happier futures, Lucy.’
That afternoon, Tom sat in a chair beside Kelly’s bed. She pulled things out of the big bag he’d brought and laughed. ‘Seriously, did you buy the whole shop?’
‘I wasn’t sure what to get, so I asked Shannon to come with me and told her to get everything and anything she thought you might like. She’s a funny one that Shannon.’
‘She’s great – she’s like my sister.’
‘I can see that. She really loves you. She feels terrible that she didn’t tell Lucy sooner that you were being bullied. But I told her she’d saved the day and to focus on that.’
‘Good advice.’ Kelly smiled.
Tom looked at her beautiful face, and then his gaze lowered to her thin arms with the bandages around the wrists. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and never let go. ‘Thanks for seeing me,’ he said. ‘I know I can never make up seventeen lost years to you. But I want you to know I’m so sorry you had to go through such a terrible experience and I’m proud of you for trying so hard. If there’s anything I can do for you, please just ask.’
Kelly twirled the sleeve of one of the Topshop tops Tom had bought around her fingers. ‘There is one thing. Keep trying to talk to Dylan. He’s angry and hurt, but he needs a dad, and I can see you’re a nice person and that you regret leaving Mum.’
Tom reached out and gently took her hand. ‘How did you get to be so wise and so wonderful? Your mum did an incredible job raising you. But I have to say, you look so like my mother, it’s spooky. She was beautiful too.’
Kelly blushed. ‘Do you have a photo of her?’
Tom smiled. ‘I do, actually. She died when I was ten months old, so I never knew her. Her photos are my memories. I have a nice one here.’ He pulled it out of his wallet.
Kelly gulped. ‘Oh, my God, she’s me.’
‘Yes, and you’re her.’
‘And you.’ Kelly smiled shyly. ‘When I saw you in the kitchen that day, it was the first time I’d ever seen anyone who looked like me. I knew immediately you were my dad. Dylan is so like Mum and Mum is like Granddad and, well, it’s nice to see where I come from.’
‘You come from a long line of beautiful women. My mother was a lovely person by all accounts, just like you.’
‘Oh, I’m not always lovely. Ask Mum – we fight a lot. I can be quite feisty when I want to be. I guess these last few months have just knocked my spirit a bit.’ Kelly closed her eyes.
‘Hey, I’ve stayed too long. You’re tired and you need to rest.’
Kelly squeezed his hand. ‘No, please don’t go.’
‘I’m here for as long as you want me, sweetie.’
‘For ever?’
Tom caught his breath. ‘If you’ll have me.’
Kelly closed her eyes and went to sleep smiling.
57
Lucy sat in the hard-backed chair staring at the poster on the wall. You can be all that you want to be. Anything is possible. She’d always hated inspirational posters, usually with a sunset or a seascape, then some obvious caption that was supposed to blow your mind. This one seemed to be mocking her. She remembered having a similar poster in her bedroom at seventeen – ‘Wish it, dream it, do it.’ Back then she’d been so full of optimism and confidence.
Where had that girl gone? She’d been replaced by a woman who felt old, tired and a failure. Lucy held her handbag tightly on her lap and took a deep breath. She needed to be calm and dig deep. She felt sick. What if they refused?
‘Mrs Donoghue will see you now,’ the secretary said, smiling at her. She walked her to the door of the principal’s office, knocked gently, then opened the door and guided Lucy inside.
‘Good morning, Ms Murphy,’ the principal said, standing up to shake her hand over the desk. ‘Take a seat, please.’
‘Thank you,’ Lucy said, sitting down. ‘And thank you for agreeing to see me at such short notice, Mrs Donoghue.’
‘Please call me Laura,’ she said. ‘And I heard about Kelly. The school grapevine sends news fast. I was shocked and so sorry to hear it. Is she doing okay?’
Lucy nodded. ‘Yes, very well. It was a horrendous shock to us all, but since it happened, Kelly has been able to talk about what was going on with her. I want to help her in any way I can, which is why I’m here.’
Laura nodded. ‘I’m guessing you’d like her to return to Woodside to complete fifth and sixth year.’
‘Yes,’ Lucy said. ‘That’s exactly what I’m here to ask. I know it’s a huge inconvenience, but I can’t let her go back to St Jude’s.’
‘Was she unhappy there from the start?’ Laura asked.
‘Yes,’ Lucy admitted.
‘Poor Kelly. Were there warning signs? Did you notice the strain she was under?’
Our Secrets and Lies Page 36