Dev, Sean, Suki, Donnie. They expect me to say something. To have a retort.
I look Ali in the eye, and she finally looks me in the eye.
“What were you thinking?”
ALI
But I don’t know how to explain it to her. The closer Sean Nessel came, how close he is now, the more boxed in I felt. That maybe he’d try to kiss me. Or get me drunk again. Or try to apologize. Something false and irrelevant. And I’d do it again. Because I don’t trust myself. Isn’t it why I came here? Some stupid idea to prove him wrong? To show him I’m fine. I’m not fine.
He’s still there. Standing right there, behind them as they crowd around me. As they circle the town freak. He’s just waiting to pounce on me.
“I can’t explain what happened. . . . I . . .”
I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to cry.
BLYTHE
You can’t tell a girl like me that you’re going to kill her without repercussions.
You can’t do that. Not in front of these girls. Suki, Cate, and Donnie would never allow that. I would never allow that. Everything I have is built on saving face.
If I show empathy, they’ll come after me. If I make excuses for her, they’ll come after me.
It would make me look weak.
And I never look weak.
I give her a second more. Anything, Ali. Anything, Greenleaf. Say anything to me.
But she’s in space. Like she doesn’t exist. Almost like that night I saw her run out of Sophie Miller’s party. So I’m going to save her from herself.
“Disappear,” I say in this girly-girl baby voice, like Cinderella’s fairy godmother.
28
ALI
I can’t breathe. I can hardly stand. I spin around and there he is. Backing out of the crowd, floating toward me. So I run the other way down the hall, not looking back.
I tear around the corner to a set of lockers. Raj follows me, calling my name.
“Ali—talk to me.”
I pace back and forth. My body not my own. How did this happen? How did I get here? Put myself here? How have I lost myself and how do I get myself back?
I crouch down on the floor. I’m scared now.
“Tell me you’re okay.”
“But I’m not okay, Raj. There’s no okay to be found here.” My voice cracking. Can’t even get the words out.
“You stood up to her. Do you understand that? You stood up to Blythe in front of all her friends.”
“It wasn’t her I wanted to stand up to.”
“What do you mean?”
I kick the locker with my poor kitten heel and the stupid tiny heel gets caught in the locker slat. I can’t pull it out. I take my other shoe off and throw it at the stuck shoe. It bangs against the locker, sounding like an explosion. Then I collapse down to my knees, curl my feet under me, my red tights so bright and wild. They’re tights for a confident girl. Not a girl like me. Not a messed up, damaged girl like me.
“I think I may have broken my toe.”
Raj kneels next to me.
“Talk to me, Greenleaf.”
“It’s him, don’t you understand?”
Raj is so sweet. He always has the right answers. But he’s not going to have the right answers for this. I don’t know if he’s going to want to be around me anymore when he hears this.
“It’s him. It’s Sean Nessel. He did this. I’m out of control now and I can’t get rid of it. I feel like I have no brain. Like someone else owns me. Like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.”
I cradle my foot in my hand. My black eyeliner drips down my face like a swarm of black ants. Messy glitter across my cheek. I can feel it.
I want to get a big giant marker and scribble all over the locker so that everyone can see.
Something happened to me.
No one would know what it means. But I would know it was there.
Something happened to me.
I know what it is, but I haven’t been able to say it.
I was raped.
I can’t say this out loud. I don’t want to. How would I even begin? It’s quiet between me and Raj for at least ten minutes. Electronica in the background. The music pumping from the dance.
“I don’t know how we’re going to get out of here,” I say.
“We’re going to walk out.”
“Everyone’s going to stare.”
“Not if I protect you with my invisible shield.”
“What if Blythe comes looking for me?”
“I have a special invisible spray, so she’ll have to stay ten feet away. And a golden lasso.”
Hands over my face. Breathe. Try to breathe.
“I never told you about my sister?” he says.
I shake my head. He always has a story.
“In college last year. She was raped by someone at a frat formal.”
I don’t look at him when he says this. That word. That word. I want it to drift away into the clouds. I want to lock it up in the locker and get rid of it. Never see it again. But I breathe. Stare ahead. He asks me, “Should I go on?”
“Go ahead.”
“She had to drop out. She had to go to the police. She switched schools. That’s why she goes to NYU now and lives at home.”
I look at him with wild eyes. “Was your sister rape raped?”
“What’s rape raped? There’s only one rape, Ali. It’s not a do you like me, or do you like me like me.”
I think of the different ways that rape could happen. I think of women who get grabbed in the subway in Manhattan or get pulled into a dark alley. Girls who get dumped on their front lawn. Not remembering the night before except for bruises and a video on social media. Isn’t that rape? Is that the same kind of rape that happened to me?
“It was a guy she knew from the fraternity,” Raj says. “She was really wasted. It was a pledge party. She didn’t remember any of it. And a bunch of guys watched until someone pulled him off her because she was basically unconscious. She’s okay now. But it’s affected her. It’s affected me. At first I wanted to go to her school and kill those guys. But me against a hundred frat bros?”
I imagine Raj’s reaction when he heard the news about his sister for the first time. How helpless he must have felt. So helpless that he’s kept this all to himself. That I’m hearing this story for the first time now. I think about how his sister felt, people watching her. Not moving while some guy had sex with her. Imagine that no one stopped it.
“That night you ran out of the party?” his voice stutters. “Did—did it go down, you know, like it went down with my sister?”
I smooth out the translucent ruffle of my black dress. It’s a glacier. I am ice, black and cold. My red tights, fire. I will freeze you or I will burn you down.
I nod my head up and down. Look at his face. Right into his eyes.
Yes.
He bangs the back of his head against the locker. Then turns to the opposite side and slams the locker with his fist. The sound of him punching the metal echoes in the empty hallway. And I’ve never seen him like this. In all the years I’ve known Raj. I’ve never seen him like this, and it does something to me. It makes me angry too. A feeling I haven’t felt yet. Anger, stabbing into me.
29
BLYTHE
Donnie folds her arm around mine, locking us together.
“So you and your little minion got into a fight, Jensen? She’s not listening to the rules?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh, we’re going to talk about it.”
“Oh, are we? Don’t make me get loud with you, bitch. Too much has happened tonight. I need someone to solve my problems. Not make them worse.”
“Fuck me gently with a chain saw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?”
“St
op it,” I say. I’m not in the mood to quote Heathers right now.
Donnie curls her head into my shoulder. She takes the sweet approach. I can feel her heavy breath against my ear.
“Is he worth the fight?”
“Worth the fight? What does that mean?”
“You know what it means.”
I take a quick peek around. Any person could hear her if she says it. If she opens her mouth. If she gets any messier.
“Isn’t he what you’re fighting for here? If you get Ali to forgive him. If you get her to drop whatever happened between them that night. Then you get his love. Isn’t that what this is about? Otherwise, why waste your time with that novice? That girl. Ali. What does she know about anything? What does she know about what we did to secure our spot?”
I just want her to shut up. I’m tempted to slap her. She reminds me of my mother right now, the way when she’s off her meds, how she rants.
“Just walk.”
“To where?”
“Anywhere. I just need to sit.”
Suki runs up behind us.
“You guys just left.”
“What was I supposed to do? Stick around?” I say.
“In the meantime, while your little mascot was acting out, Sean went off with three sophomore girls and said he’s going to do an Initiation on his own.”
“What?” I say. “He’s wasted. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
Donnie cackles, throws her head back. Her arms stretch out all pale and witchy. “Imagine if Sean was on a TV show—Boys Most Wanted. Everyone wants him, but no one knows whyyyy . . . because inside he’s rotting alive.”
I step behind her. Push her forward, in the direction of the bathroom. She’s talking crazy talk and I want to get away from Donnie, those black sunken eyes. The eyes of someone I don’t even know.
* * *
* * *
Bathroom. A whole bunch of girls in there already. A few waiting in line, but we’re the Core Four. Well, Core Three right now since Cate is off somewhere with Chase Goldberg. We walk ahead because that’s what we do. Donnie first. Me second. Suki last. Cram in the handicap stall. Everyone else has to wait.
“What did he say exactly, Suki? I need word for word.”
“I heard him say something about how he’s got three girls who are eager to get started. That he doesn’t need this drama with Ali. That it’s all gotten too much. He can get three girls”—she does air quotes—“‘working on him’ on his own.”
“I’m not feeling good,” Donnie says, but I ignore her because I’m trying to dissect what Suki’s saying.
“Direct quote,” Suki says.
“Tell her whatever you want,” Donnie says. “She doesn’t see him the way we see him. She sees the soft side. Isn’t that right, Jensen? Sweet soft Sean, who shops with his artist-collector grandma in the city. Say that ten times fast.”
Suki’s face, confused. “When did you see him shopping with his grandmother?”
“Forget all that. Donnie doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”
She wags her finger. “Oh, yes I dooooo.”
Suki ignores Donnie and keeps going. “Sean was talking to everyone. To Chase and Cate. To Harrison. To Dev. Ask Dev. He was standing right there.”
This is what Sean does. He rounds up the girls. And I sweep it up.
“Seriously. I’m gonna puke,” Donnie says, and tries to kneel down on the floor.
Heels click in and out of the bathroom. Anyone can see what’s going on with her if she falls to the ground.
“We need to sit. Get you some water, that’s all.”
I look at Suki and mouth to her: “Up.” We prop her on to the toilet. She nods.
My body tightens up. This dress. I look down at it. If Donnie pukes, it’s going to be covered in vomit.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” She flings her arms out to the sides like a bird. “Can I tell you a secret first?”
Her neck shifts back and forth. Lips quiver and then she collapses in our arms. No grunt. No sign of distress. She’s just up one second—and the next second, whoosh. She’s deadweight.
Teachers will see. Adults will see that her face is gone from her face. She’s collapsed all over herself.
“What did you take tonight? Talk to me. What did you take?” I slap at her cheeks, and she peers up from all her hair, her bones sharp and eerie. I lift her the best I can, but her body droops over my dress.
“You’re fine,” Suki says really loud. “You’re fine. Just dehydrated. We just need to get you some water.”
I nod. She’s staving off the girls outside who’ve stopped in their clicking heels to see Donnie fall from her perch.
I don’t know how we’re going to get out of here. All the girls who wished they were us, wished they had our friendship, Donnie Alperstein and Blythe Jensen.
Suki and I struggle to get Donnie to sit straight. My body wants to just collapse over her. This night. I’m so tired from this night.
Then someone, some sweet little bird, hands me a cup of water under the stall. I pass it to Donnie.
Donnie opens her eyes a little. She pulls at my hair. “Jensen, I don’t know if I can make it through this. I did too much vikes. Too much vikes and that champagne.”
“I’m gonna let go of you. Don’t fall on your head, bitch,” Suki says, and Donnie nods. She’s following instructions, so I take a breath. Suki opens her clutch and pulls out a vile of her crushed up Ritalin. Suki shakes some out on her hand. Donnie opens her mouth. Drooling on Suki’s hand, trying to lick Suki’s palm. “No, you’re going to snort it,” Suki says, her voice firm. “Now inhale. Snort it up your nose.”
I look over at Suki. Her eyes get crazy when she’s on task. Reminds me of when we used to play soccer together. Kick that ball, Sukes. STRIKE IT.
“Snort it up your nose.” Donnie laughs.
“She needs to get out of here,” Suki says.
“She needs rehab,” I say.
“I hear you, bitches,” she says. “I say they try to make me go to rehab and I said, no, no, no.” She’s singing Amy Winehouse now.
We sit and wait. Donnie nodding off. I give her sips of the water. Me and Suki pushing her back against the wall to straighten her up. And then it happens. Donnie’s face fills back up with pink. She’s alive again. Awake. A spirit. A person. The music vibrates into the bathroom. BUM BUM BUM BUM. BUM BUM BUM BUM.
“You’re both my best friends,” Donnie says. “You know that, right? Not Cate. Cate is a slut.”
Suki bursts out laughing. I start laughing. Relief. It’s working.
Donnie stops and stands up by herself. We walk out of the bathroom quickly, not even looking in the mirror or at the idiots who are going to talk about this like wildfire tomorrow.
My mind off this emergency. One down, another one to go. Now Sean.
It’s always Sean.
30
ALI
Raj drops me off at my house. Just the two of us in that old station wagon. I text Sammi to apologize for the millionth time. She forgives me because she always forgives me. How many apologies would Sammi accept? Apparently, quite a few.
I know Raj is going to tell me that I need to talk to someone. Or an even worse feeling, that he’ll tell me I need to report it.
He doesn’t say any of that. He just sits there. Patient. Patient Raj. How can he be so patient?
“You know sometimes I go to this jujitsu class.”
“Okay. You want me to go to jujitsu with you and beat people up?” I belt out a laugh. “You don’t have to have all the answers, Raj.”
“I’m not pretending to.”
“But you do—don’t you? Don’t you always know what to say?”
“One day I’m going to tell you something stupid.”
“Two plus two
is ten. Something like that?”
“Right. Exactly. And you’re going to be so disappointed in me.”
“I’ll never be disappointed in you,” I say.
Our gaze lingers. Like the kind of gaze that happens before you kiss someone. So I look away first. I push that feeling down. Don’t let it out. Don’t let the feelings show. Push it way down until you can’t feel. Until it’s like you’re not even there.
“Raj,” I say. “Did I tell you too much?”
“Never,” he says. “You could never tell me too much.”
* * *
* * *
Later that night I text Blythe.
I’m sorry I said that— I don’t know what came over me.
It’s a lie. But I need to get the apology out.
I wait for her answer back. Sit there watching my phone. Wanting her to forgive me. To understand.
But she waits a full day. Makes me pay for what I’ve done. Then she texts me:
Moving on
31
BLYTHE
When I get home, my mother is in her bed upstairs. Her drugs in action. There’s no waking her up.
My father isn’t home. He never is.
I take off my dress. The floor length part is covered in guck. Crap from it dragging across the floor. It’s like I hiked through a muddy field. I don’t care.
I put on my sweats and a T-shirt. All I hear is what Suki had to say about Sean. He’s got three girls who are eager to get started.
I’m blurry-eyed from the night, but I stare into my phone. It’s the only light in my room. That bright light blinding me, I scan every Instagram account of every stupid girl in our school who I can think of, anyone connected or friends with Sean. My pupils fried. Search for all the stupid bitches who would post a photo of Sean Nessel and her phenomenal hookup. There’s got to be someone that stupid. Someone who wants to show off her prize.
And then I find it.
Something Happened to Ali Greenleaf Page 15