by Gia Riley
Maybe that means he wants to cuddle like we were earlier today, or maybe it means much more than that, but it’s where I want to be, too. Especially if it’s going to make him look at me the way he is right now.
“Come on,” he says, taking my hand and guiding me out of the barn. Thankfully, he knows the place like the back of his hand, avoiding the scattered piles of hay and beams.
Once we’re outside, we breathe in the fresh air that’s dropped a few degrees since we got here. All the cars that were here earlier are gone. “Do you think Becca went home already?”
“Probably, but Jake was too wasted to drive, so hopefully she got a ride from someone else.”
I chew on my thumb nail, worrying about her. I didn’t have a single message from her asking where I’ve been or what I was doing. That’s not like her at all. I only worry more when Jake staggers around the corner, holding onto the side of Rhett’s truck to stay upright.
“I’s bout to zend a search party, Rhett,” he slurs between burps.
“Right here, man. No need to worry. Where’s Becca?”
“Ma bed.”
My eyes go wide as soon as he says it. Rhett looks at me, also curious about what’s been going on while we were in the barn. “Dude, can I go get her? I’ll take her home.”
“Dat wuz the plan, but you been gone, brotha. With your lil muffin.”
I snort when he calls me muffin. Rhett tries not to laugh, but he fails, too. “I’ll help you inside. Take me to Becca.” He walks to Jake, steadying him by throwing his arm over his shoulder, the same way you’d help an injured player off the field.
“Don’t be putting moves on me. Becca’s gonna get jealous.”
“It’ll be tough,” Rhett says, sarcastically, as he pulls his keys out of his pocket with his free hand. “Wait for me in the truck, Sunny. I’ll be right back.”
I take them from him, but before I get inside, I hear Rhett ask Jake the one question I’d love an answer to. “Did you do anything with her?”
All I hear is a grunt in response. It can be taken either way, and is no help at all. Why did Jake have to drink so much?
Waiting for Rhett seems like an eternity, even though it’s only been five minutes. My leg bounces nervously as my mind comes with up with all kinds of possibilities about what Becca could have gotten herself into. She’s kissed guys before, but she’s never done anything more than that. I’d hate for her to have made a bad decision tonight—one she’ll end up regretting.
Thankfully, I only have to wait a few more minutes by myself before Rhett’s jogging back to the truck—alone.
“Where’s Becca?”
“She was passed out in his bed. I woke her, but she wanted to stay until morning.”
“It is morning,” I remind him.
He chuckles. “Real morning.”
I don’t like leaving her here by herself. Granted she was alone all night, but at least I was close by if she needed me. Jake’s really drunk, and I’m a little worried about leaving her with him.
Rhett senses my concern when I don’t respond. “She had her clothes on, Kinsley. She’s okay. Nothing happened.”
“I heard you ask Jake, but he’s been drinking. He couldn’t even talk without slurring his words.”
“Even drunk, Jake would never take advantage of her. I promise. He’ll take care of her even if he doesn’t look like he can take care of himself. It’s just how he is. He may come off as a piece of work most of the time, but when it comes to people he cares about, he’s super protective. He’d do anything for that girl.”
“Sounds a lot like you. Minus the part about being a piece of work.”
He nods his head, agreeing with me. “Probably why him and I are best friends.”
I twist my fingers in my lap, nervous about the trouble he’s going to get in once he finally gets home. “You said your mom was upset. How bad is it?”
“My parents won’t be thrilled I didn’t call, but I don’t think they’ll be too mad since they knew I was at Jake’s house. At least I hope not. I’m more worried about Coach finding out. If he does, he’ll work me extra hard at practice.”
“But the whole team was there. Wouldn’t they be in trouble, too?”
He glances at the clock. “They weren’t out until three-thirty in the morning.”
“I’ll talk to your parents if you want me to, and make sure they know it was my fault. I don’t want them to be mad at you.”
Rhett pulls into my driveway, a smile already forming on his face. “You’re adorable, you know that? It wasn’t either of our faults. We fell asleep. I can take whatever punishment I get.”
Maybe we didn’t intentionally stay out this late, but considering he’s the only one facing consequences when he gets home, it doesn’t seem very fair. “Thanks for tonight. I had fun.”
“Me too, Sunny. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay.” I’m opening the door, when Rhett grabs my arm, pulling me back toward him.
“One more kiss,” he whispers, already claiming my lips before I can protest. Not that I would. His kisses breathe life into me. They make me feel like I could float all the way to my bedroom without ever touching my feet to the ground.
When he’s had his fill, he pulls away. “Sweet dreams, Sunny.”
With a smile on my face, I reach for the door handle. Before I hop out, I look over my shoulder one last time at the guy I’m falling hard for. “Night, Rhett.”
Despite how late he already is, he still waits until I’m pushing my front door open before backing out of the driveway and gunning it down the street toward his house. I’m preoccupied, remembering the way his mouth feels when I realize I have a problem of my own waiting for me—Carson.
His head is in his hands, his elbows resting on his thighs. When the floor creaks beneath my feet, his head snaps in my direction. Standing from the couch, he walks toward me. All he’s wearing is a pair of black boxer briefs. It’s wrong to look at him the way I am, but I can’t help it. He’s not giving me any other choice with a body that’s all hard lines and rough cuts. His training for the police academy is paying off.
“Where have you been?”
“I went to the football party after the game.”
“Since when do football parties end at three-thirty in the morning?”
I need a distraction, a place to focus my eyes other than his chest or his abs, so I grab a bottle of water out of the fridge. The top twists off and I fumble it between my fingers, dropping it on the floor. It rolls toward Carson, ending up next to his foot. We bend down at the same time to pick it up, almost bumping heads in the process. He places it in my hand, our fingers brushing ever so slightly.
“I’m sorry it’s so late. I didn’t mean to worry you.” I try to move around him toward the living room, but he doesn’t let me.
“Kinsley, I promised I’d look out for you while I was living here. You know how guilty Kate felt when she started working the night shift. She only went through with it when I told her I’d move in.”
He’s trying to protect me like Wyatt would, but he doesn’t realize it’s not the same thing. After his confession about how much he wants me, nothing about him even remotely feels brotherly anymore. “I don’t need a babysitter, Carson. I can take care of myself. Plus we’re like a year and a half apart. It’s weird.”
He shakes his head, disappointment written all over his face. “You’re changing already.”
I get that he’s hurt, angry even, but I don’t want my being with Rhett to change our friendship. I didn’t choose Carson, but that doesn’t mean I want him out of my life. “I’m still the same girl I was a week ago.”
“You didn’t have a boyfriend a week ago. You weren’t staying out until all hours of the morning a week ago. Hell, you’ve never even been to a party before tonight—have you?”
“If you’re trying to remind me how insignificant I used to be, I get it. I was a nobody, but I don’t want to go back to that place—whe
re I was always unwanted. Today was one of the best days of my life. I’m finally happy again.”
He glares at me, before a look of complete defeat replaces the anger. “The best day of your life was the day you told me you didn’t want to be with me? Thanks, Kins.” He turns around, walking away from me, but that wasn’t what I meant. He has to know that.
“Carson, wait.” I grab onto his wrist, but he yanks it out of my grasp. “Carson, please.”
“Go to bed, Kinsley. It’s been a long night. I’m tired.”
He closes the door to his room, shutting me out. That should be enough for me to walk away, to be thankful it wasn’t worse, but it only makes me feel terrible. He took what I said out of context. Our conversation earlier has been in the back of my mind the entire night. I’ll never be able to forget the way he poured his heart out to me. Whether he believes me or not, it meant something to me—even if I’m not his girl.
I wait a couple more minutes, hoping he’ll open his door so I can talk to him, but he doesn’t. Still, I can’t walk away. If I do, he’ll think I don’t have any regard for his feelings. So, I sit down with my back against his door, and I wait.
The minutes are long, and I almost give up a couple times, but Carson’s never been one to give up on me, so I’m not letting him go to bed thinking I don’t care or that I’ve somehow changed. Even if there was some truth to his words, I’d still wait.
A full hour passes, and then it finally happens. The door I’m propped up against moves away from me so fast, I’m flat on my back in the middle of the doorway, looking up with Carson staring down at me.
“What are you doing, Kins?”
“Waiting for you to stop being stubborn.”
“How long were you planning on sitting in front of my door?”
“Until you opened it.” I would have sat here until tomorrow afternoon if I had to, and he knows it.
He runs his hand over his face, his eyes now much softer than they were when he stormed in his room an hour ago. “Stand up.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me.”
“I’ll talk to you, but I don’t want you on the floor.” I’d rather talk in the living room, but I stand up and follow him inside his room. There’s no time for me to negotiate if I don’t want to lose my opportunity to set the record straight. “Why were you really sitting there?” he asks as he sits down on his bed.
I play with the hair tie around my wrist, flicking it against my skin. “I can’t sleep if you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad, Kinsley. I’m concerned. There’s a difference.”
“I didn’t mean what I said. It came out wrong.”
“Does it change anything?”
I shake my head. “No. I still feel the same way, but I needed you to know I wasn’t trying to rub Rhett in your face or make you feel insignificant.”
“Okay, I understand. Can we go to bed now?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re still not right.”
“Do you honestly think we can be? After what I told you today?”
“I don’t know, but I need us to be.”
“Why? You had the best day of your life, Kins. You don’t need me.”
I move closer to him, standing almost directly in front of him. “No, Carson. I do need you in my life. It would be weird without you—like I’m missing a really good friend.”
“Friend. There’s that word again.”
I pull my arms out of Rhett’s jersey, suddenly feeling like I’m shoving the fact that I’m with Rhett down his throat. I ball it up and toss it into the wash basket in the hallway. Carson watches me, and I don’t miss the way his expression changes as I start to shed some clothes. “What are you doing?” he questions.
“Removing him from the equation for a minute.” I’m not trying to lead Carson on or give him any false hope. All I want to do is be able to lay my head on my pillow tonight without a guilty conscious. And if I’m being honest, I need Carson to be okay, too. This is as much for me as it is for him. “Will you answer a question for me, honestly?”
“I’ll try,” he says.
“Am I going to lose you completely if I’m not with you?”
He reaches out and hooks his finger in the front pocket of my jeans, pulling me closer to him. “Part of me wants to say yes, that if you aren’t with me, then we have nothing. I can’t do that though. There’s no way I’d ever be able to cut you out of my life, Kins. I don’t want to.”
“Then, how do we get back to where we were before things got weird?”
“Weird? I don’t know if that’s the word I’d use to describe it. Maybe real, but not weird.”
“Okay, but it doesn’t much matter how we label it. Either way, it’s different. How do we fix it?”
“I don’t know if we can.”
“What do we do?”
Carson looks at me, and with pained eyes, he says, “I get over you.”
I thought that’s what I wanted all along—until he says the words. Hearing him say it out loud only challenges me. It makes me second guess every decision I’ve made up until now. I’m not ready to let go of Rhett, but I don’t want to hurt Carson either.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, Kins.”
I shrug my shoulders like I’m not sure, even though it’s becoming clearer. “I don’t know what’s going to happen with me and Rhett, and I can’t ask you to wait around until I find out. That’s not fair to you. I don’t know what to do. How can I make this better?”
“You don’t have to do a single thing for me. Just be happy. That’s all I want for you, Kin. But I don’t want you to end up with a broken heart either.”
“Because you think Rhett couldn’t possibly stay with a girl like me, right? That it’s bound to blow up in my face because it’s probably too good to be true.”
He tips his head back, huffing out a frustrated breath. “I didn’t say that at all. You’re putting words in my mouth. I told you I’m happy for you.”
“You’re right. You didn’t say that.” I’m the one who’s thinking it, and now that I’m being honest with myself, I realize it’s what I’m fearful of happening with Rhett and me. That someday I won’t be good enough anymore or he’ll get bored or suddenly realize he has better options.
“You’re scared, I get it.”
“Maybe a little, but I want you to be happy too, Carson.”
He rubs the back of his neck, like he’s in pain. Slowly, he raises his eyes from the floor. “I can’t be happy, Kins. Not until you’re mine.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, hating the sadness in his eyes. “Don’t say that. That’s not true. You can be happy without me.”
“I’ll wait for you, Kins—just like I stayed up waiting for you tonight.”
“I should have called you back when I got your messages. I’m sorry.”
“I was so worried something happened to you.”
“I’m okay, and if I wasn’t, I’d let you know.”
Visibly sighing, his shoulders sag in a mixture of relief and defeat. Still, we’re right back where we started. Nothing’s really changed despite our conversation, and I wonder how many more of these we’re going to end up having.
“I’m not used to this, Kinsley—especially with a person I have to live with.”
“Me either, but we can make it work, okay? Promise me you won’t move out because of me. Kate needs you, too.”
He looks me straight in the eye as he promises, “I won’t leave you.”
Maybe I need it more than he does, but I move closer, letting him wrap me up in the security he’s given me for as long as I can remember. The two people in my life I’ve loved the most left me, but Carson’s never strayed. He moved here to help me—to be with me. And that means more than he’ll ever know. Even if we can’t be together.
I don’t want to blur the lines between us, but I can’t stop either. He’s been my friend longer than he’s been an adm
irer—and I can’t let that go. I can’t let him go. Tonight I just want my Carson back—the one who let me cry on his shoulder when my mom passed away. The one who took me to funny movies when I hated the world, and the one who let me drink a lot of vodka after my dad left, even holding my hair while I threw up violently in the toilet. That’s who I want right now. Everything else I want to disappear.
“Why do you smell like a heard of buffalo, Kins?”
I laugh against his chest, blinking away the tears that almost fell. “Rhett has a horse. He showed her to me and then we fell asleep on a pile of hay in the barn, watching her.”
“That’s your story?”
“That’s my story,” I giggle.
“Please don’t do it again, okay?”
I nod my head, understanding where he’s coming from. “There hasn’t been anyone other than Wyatt and Kate for a while now, but they’re my brother and sister. They’re supposed to get on my nerves.”
“Are you telling me I’m annoying?”
I let go of him, shaking my head at his ridiculous assumption. “No, I’m not. I’m saying, thank you for having my back.”
“I’ll never stop caring, Kinsley.”
And as much as I need that from him, as much as it soothes my soul to hear those words, it still feels terrible because I can’t give him more.
THE NEXT COUPLE of weeks pass by in a blur. My relationship with Carson has remained strained. Even though we promised to move forward, I still catch him watching me or staring a little too long when he shouldn’t be. But I don’t say a word or give any kind of indication that it bothers me. I let him do what he needs to do because I’ll do anything to avoid another confrontation like our last.
For the most part, he’s been easy going. A couple times we even stayed up late watching movies, eating popcorn, and laughing like we used to do when Wyatt was still here. Those are the times I feel the closest to him, and like we really can manage to live together and be friends.
More than anything, I need the stress free Carson as much as possible. Between school, the diner, and Rhett, I’m constantly being pulled in a million different directions. I’ve been so busy that I’ve been struggling to keep up with all my assignments while still finding time for everyone. In fact, I’ve given up sleep just to keep everyone happy. But this morning, when I almost fell asleep standing up in the shower, I went back to bed. After faking a migraine when both Kate and Carson came to check on me, I bought myself a few more hours of sleep. Carson even brought me some Advil before he left for his own day of school.