In Pieces

by Gia Riley

  We’re running our boring warm-up laps around the perimeter of the gym when I start to feel like I’m going to throw up. Running isn’t my thing, especially when I’ve only been awake for forty-five minutes.

  “Okay everyone, grab a stick. We’re going to play some indoor hockey,” Mrs. Haines, the gym teacher on a permanent caffeine high, announces.

  I pull a stick out of the box and stand back, letting the other girls move ahead of me. Some are actually excited to knock a hard plastic ball around the gym. Me, not so much. It only gets worse once we move into positions and Mandi ends up lined up across from me.

  The whistle blows and she charges at me like we’re playing a game of football instead of hockey. “What is your problem?”

  “I’m just playing defense.”

  “Your team has the ball, back up.”

  She listens and puts some space in between the two of us, but she takes a pass from her teammate, and then, like it’s in slow motion, she winds up and swings her stick with all of her might, sending the ball flying directly at me.

  I fall to the floor, and my stick hits the ground as hard as I do. Immediately, I know something’s wrong. I try to peel my body off the floor, but it hurts too much. “I’m going to throw up,” I say to whoever’s close enough to hear it. Before the trash can gets to me, I heave all over the floor in front of everyone.

  Mrs. Haines blows her whistle, backing everyone up. “Mandi, you’re out of the game. Sierra, tell the nurse we need her. Hurry up.”

  Sierra, like a deer in headlights, runs through the doors, and into the hallway. She’s back in a couple minutes with Nurse Cathy by her side. She gives me a once over before she moves me into the wheelchair she brought with her. Everyone’s staring, which I hate, but I let her wheel me to her office, too weak to go on my own two feet. I’m trying too hard not to throw up again to really care who sees me.

  She opens the small room all the sick kids rest in until their parents pick them up, and wheels me next to a cot. “Lie down for me, Kinsley.”

  I listen to her, as she runs through a series of questions. I answer them all honestly, even the one about how I was feeling before I came to school. She listens to every word I say, and I think nothing of it. That is, until her next question. “When was your last menstrual period?”

  I sit up, not wanting to discuss this with her. “I’m fine.”

  “We need to discuss this if there’s a possibility you could be pregnant. Is this something we need to consider?”

  “I’m not talking about any of this at school. You’re not my doctor.” She can’t force me to do anything. “Can I get my stuff from the locker room? I want to go home.”

  She nods her head. “Will you take this for me at home, and let me know the results.”

  I take the pregnancy test out of her hand, and stare at it. I’m not walking around school holding a test. Like she can read minds, she hands me a paper bag. “You’re not going to tell anybody anything, are you?”

  “I can’t by law, but if you are pregnant, Kinsley, you need to get to the doctor. Go home and take the test. You’ll want to open it, and—.”

  I hold up my hand before she can go any farther. Even talking about it makes me want to throw up again. “I’ll read the directions and take the test.”

  She lets me leave, but I have to stop in the bathroom to throw up again. It’s only when my face is close to a disgusting public toilet that I realize the nurse is right, I need to see my doctor because I’m almost positive this test is going to be positive.

  I haven’t had a panic attack since the football game, but right now, one’s threatening to grip me by the throat, making it almost impossible to catch my breath. Why is this happening to me? Rhett’s always been careful—at least I think he has.

  As I peel myself off the bathroom floor, all I can think about is how disappointed my mom would be. Kate’s going to kill me. Wyatt’s going to hate me. But Rhett—he’ll leave me, and that’s what scares me the most right now.

  An hour later, I’m sitting in the doctor’s office with a tiny plastic cup in my hand. The test I took at home was positive—just like I knew it would be. I’m not ready to be a mother. This was all an accident—a really big accident that’s going to cause a ton of trouble if this second test ends up positive, too.

  And it does.

  Now I’m listening to Dr. Royer’s go on and on about my options while I’m still trying to process the fact that I’m pregnant. I can’t be more than a couple weeks along, but the second he mentions termination, I already know it’s not an option. We learned about what happens in health class, and there’s no way I want to go through any of that. “I don’t want an abortion.”

  Nurse Kimberly nods her head, and Dr. Royer, continues to type on the laptop she carries around with her from room to room. “What are you typing?” I ask her, when curiosity gets the best of me.

  “Everything we’re discussing. It makes dictating easier for me.”

  “Who looks at it?” I’m already trying to figure out if it’s going to get back to Kate, who was my legal-guardian, up until my eighteenth birthday this past summer.

  “It all goes into your medical records account.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  Another woman walks into my room, pulling a cart with a machine on it. She gives me a hesitant smile, like I’m a fool for getting knocked up at such a young age—like I purposely tried to make a baby with my boyfriend.

  “My name’s Tammy, I’m going to do your ultrasound for you.”

  “Why do I need an ultrasound?”

  Dr. Royer looks up from her computer long enough to answer my question. “It’s protocol, especially for someone who was hit in the stomach.”

  All this time I’ve been freaking out, I never once considered that when the ball pounded into my stomach, it could have hurt the baby. I’m too scared to find out the answer, so I don’t even bothering asking if they think the baby’s injured. I’ll know soon enough.

  Nurse Kimberly helps me lie on the table, and holds my hand once I’m in position. She’s only known me less than an hour, and still, it’s comforting having her by my side. I’m glad I’m not going through this alone.

  “You can watch the screen, and once I have the probe in place, you’ll notice some movement.”

  The screen’s black and white, and suddenly, it sounds like I’m in the middle of the ocean. One summer at the beach, I held a giant seashell to my ear in a souvenir shop. It’s the same kind of whooshing sound I heard then. “What is that?”

  Kimberly smiles, looking down at me. “That’s your baby’s heartbeat. One of the best sounds in the entire world.” She points to the blob on the screen that’s wiggling around. It looks like a gummy bear—a hyper one. “And that right there is your baby.”

  I sit up a little bit, propping myself on my elbows while keeping the rest of my body exactly how it was. Staring at the screen, it doesn’t seem like I’m looking at something inside my own body—that I have a tiny person inside me. “Do you know what it is?”

  Tammy shakes her head. “No, it’s too early. We’ll be able to tell around twenty weeks. You’re measuring between five and six weeks today.”

  I do the math in my head. Fall Fest was six weeks ago. That means Rhett and I made a baby one of our first times together. “You’re not going to tell anyone about this are you? I can tell them?”

  “This baby is your responsibility now, Kinsley. We respect your privacy as our patient, and we’ll send you home with everything you need to begin a healthy pregnancy.”

  I rest my head against the exam table, wondering how I’m ever going to break the news to my sister. I never meant for this to happen, but now that it has, I’m afraid I’m going to lose everyone I love.

  I should tell Rhett first, but I don’t know how. What if he breaks up with me?

  As soon as the test is finished, I take my papers, and practically run out of the office into the cold November air. It all hits me at
once, the baby, losing my friends and family, how disappointed my parents would be—and all I can do is sit on the bench and cry.

  The playground across the street is filled with kids, and suddenly elementary school doesn’t seem that long ago. I feel closer to a bunch of kids than the adults I was just with. I’m practically a kid having a kid—it only makes me cry harder.

  I cry for every dream I’m going to have to give up, every person I’m about to disappoint, and a baby who never asked to be brought into the world. A baby I don’t want to have, yet somehow already care about—even if it has the power to destroy me.

  “WHERE’S KINSLEY?” JAKE asks when we sit down to lunch.

  “I don’t know. She disappeared after gym.”

  Mandi, who still insists on sitting at the end of our table, glances at me, and then ducks her head. She’s been acting weird since she sat down.

  Grayson slams his tray on the table, sitting next to Mandi. “What the hell happened in gym this morning, slugger?”

  For the first time ever, Mandi’s almost speechless. “It was an accident,” she whispers.

  “That’s not what I heard. Rumor has it you made the slap shot of the century and knocked Kinsley on her ass.”

  I throw my sandwich down on my tray. “What?”

  “Yeah, man. It’s all over the school. Your girl threw up on the free throw line. How do you not know this?”

  I spent last period in the wood shop, grinding the shit out of wood. I pull out my cell phone and dial her number, but it goes straight to voicemail. A text goes unanswered, and now I’m freaking the hell out. “Did she go home, Mandi?”

  “I think so. She was throwing up.”

  I run my hands through my hair, “Jesus, what did you do to her?”

  “Nothing! It was an accident.”

  Accident or not, it still happened. And I know better than to believe she didn’t do it on purpose. Everything with that girl does is calculated and planned—to her advantage. Regardless of what she had planned, I try messaging Kinsley a couple more times, but there’s still no answer.

  I have no choice but to sit and wait.

  Each period that passes, the clock moves a little slower. By the time the final bell rings, I skip my locker entirely, not even caring if I have the books I need to do my homework. Now that football is over, I can actually leave school on time which means I’m in her driveway in six minutes flat.

  I run up the stairs to her apartment, and knock. Nobody answers, but her car’s parked right next to mine. I turn the knob and push the door open. “Kinsley?”

  The house is quiet. Her bedroom door is cracked, so I push it open, trying my best not to scare her. She’s in her bed with her blankets covering her, but I can hear her crying. “Sunny, what’s wrong?”

  She sits up, no doubt shocked to see me standing in the middle of her bedroom. “You didn’t expect me to stay away, did you?”

  She shakes her head, and lays back down. “I was going to call you back in a few minutes.”

  “How long have you been home?”

  “About twenty minutes.”

  “Where’d you go after gym class?”

  “The doctor’s office.”

  “Grayson told me what happened at lunch. What did the doctor say? Are you okay?”

  She doesn’t answer me, so I take my shoes and coat off, and kneel on the floor beside her bed. Reaching out, I hold her cheek in my hand, running my thumb back and forth across her skin. “I missed you,” I tell her, hoping she says something. Right now, she’s scaring me a little.

  “I missed you too,” she says, nervously.

  “What’s wrong, Sunny?”

  She bites her lip, tears forming in her eyes again. “Rhett, I don’t know how to tell you this.”

  “You can tell me anything. Just talk to me. I’ll make whatever’s bothering you go away.”

  She closes her eyes just as the first tear falls. “You can’t make it better this time.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because—because I’m pregnant, Rhett.”

  Her words literally knock me on my ass. I hit the carpet and fall flat on my back, staring at the ceiling. She cries harder, and I realize my reaction wasn’t the best, but she just told me I’m going to have a kid. A fucking kid. “You’re sure?” I ask from my spot on the floor.

  “I took a test.”

  “Could it be wrong?”

  “No, I had an ultrasound after the test.”

  I get off the floor. Still a little dazed. “You saw it?”

  “I heard the heartbeat, too.”

  No wonder she’s crying. She’s had a long ass day. “What did it look like?” It’s a stupid thing to say, it’s a damn baby, but I don’t know what else to say to her. I’m probably supposed to have all kinds of questions.

  “Like a dancing gummy bear.”

  “Seriously?” She slides her hand under her pillow, and pulls out a little black and white picture. “Is that?” I can’t even say it out loud. Our baby.

  “I don’t know what it is yet, but they’ll tell me when she’s bigger.”

  I stare at the picture in my hands, amazed that we created something—a little gummy person. She’s right, it looks exactly like a bear. “You said, she. Do you think it’s a girl?”

  “Did I? I guess I always pictured myself having a little girl someday. Not now, though.”

  “What do you mean, not now? It’s already done, Sunny.”

  “I know that,” she snaps.

  “Sorry, I just.”

  “I’m scared out of my mind, and I know it’s going to ruin our lives, but I can’t,” she sobs.

  “Shhh, it’s okay, Kinsley. It’s not going to ruin our lives—I won’t let that happen. We’ll figure it out.” I don’t have a single clue how we’re going to figure it out, but I tell her anyway, because I’m the one who did this to her. I just want to protect her. “Until I figure out what to do, we can keep it between the two of us.”

  “I have to tell Kate. I can’t go through this without her.”

  “Just for now, just until I figure out what we’re going to do, I want you to keep this a secret. Can you do that for me? I need you to promise me, Sunny.” If my parents find out, we won’t stand a chance. They’ll rip Kinsley and the baby away from me.

  “What’s to figure out? In seven and a half months, I’m having a baby.”

  “We have college next year. We’re graduating in seven months. There’s a lot to consider.”

  She sits up on the edge of her bed, protectively wrapping her arms around our baby, her chin quivering. “So, a couple weeks after we graduate, I’ll have a baby. I might not even make it to graduation, Rhett.”

  “We’ll have a baby.” Still on my knees, I move between her legs. I wrap my arms around her back, while her hands instinctively comb through my hair. I kiss her still flat stomach picturing what it will look like a couple months from now. Never in a million years did I imagine this would happen, I mean, we’re having sex, but we’ve been pretty careful.

  “I’m scared, Rhett,” she whispers.

  I pull my head away from her stomach, looking into her teary eyes. “Sunny, I don’t know what we’re going to do yet, but I’m going to do everything I can to keep us together—no matter what.” She’s quiet, but I need her to believe in us. “Tell me you trust me, Sunny.”

  “I trust you.”

  IT’S BEEN A week since I found out I’m pregnant. Each night, I stay up beyond the point of exhaustion, trying to wrap my head around the idea of becoming a mom. An actual mom with a baby of my own. No matter how many times I run different scenarios through my mind, I can’t make any situation work. Rhett and I don’t have a place to live, or enough money to survive without the both of us working full-time jobs, yet we don’t have diplomas to get decent jobs in the first place.

  My interview with Parsons is coming up, which only depresses me more. There’s no way I can still go to New York. It was going to be a struggle to s
upport myself in the City. Adding a baby to the mix would be next to impossible. Still, I don’t have the nerve to call and cancel the appointment—not yet anyway.

  “Are you okay? You’ve been quiet today.” Rhett asks, as we leave school for the day.

  “Just thinking, sorry.” I haven’t told him I haven’t cancelled yet. I guess a part of me is still hoping I can make it work—even if I already know there’s no way I could split up my family. Not having one of my own is all the more reason that this baby should have both parents.

  “You don’t have to be sorry, Sunny. I get it.”

  “I hate being a problem.”

  Rhett stops walking in the middle of the sidewalk, turning me to face him. “You’re not a problem. I don’t want you thinking like that.”

  “Everything’s different though. You’re not the same, I’m not the same. All I do is throw up and cry. I kind of can’t stand myself.”

  We start walking again, and when we get to my car, Rhett opens my door and tosses my bag in the passenger seat. He even helps me get inside like I’m nine months pregnant instead of two.

  He kneels down beside me, reaching for my hand as soon as my seatbelt clicks into place. “Are you okay to drive? I can take you home.” He slides his fingers underneath the seatbelt, making sure it’s not too tight on my stomach.

  “I’m fine—still feel nauseous, but it doesn’t really go away. At least there’s plenty of crackers and a never ending supply of ginger ale at the diner.”

  Rhett sighs, and runs his hand through his hair. It’s what he does when he doesn’t like what I’m saying. Trust me, I’d rather go home and sleep, but I have to make as much money as I can before this baby comes. Especially considering I might be on my own, sooner rather than later, if Kate decides she’s ready to move to Philadelphia. Her own relationship has been strained and I see how much she misses her boyfriend. I hate that she’s stuck because of me.

  “I’ll stop in and see you. At least if I’m sitting at one of your tables, it’s one less person for you to wait on.”

  I reach out and run my thumb along Rhett’s cheek, wondering how I got so lucky to get this guy, and so unlucky to get pregnant. In the back of my mind I always knew getting pregnant was a possibility, yet I never imagined it would happen to me. It’s stupid to be so naïve, but I thought I had been through enough already. There was no way I’d have to deal with a baby on top of everything else. Or so I thought. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I need the money—this baby is going to be expensive.”