Army of Stone: An Urban Fantasy Novel (Fallen Angel Book 2)

by Leo Romero

  “That was a good idea to use the mead,” Zane said as he watched the fires, as mesmerized as I was.

  I nodded. “Uh-huh.”

  “You think it’ll be enough to get the rock troll out of his cave?”

  “We can only hope.”

  Ahead of us, the fires continued to burn.

  “That gun of yours is awesome, Mr. Stone,” Zane said, still in his hypnotic gaze.

  “Call me Gabriel. And yeah, Bam Bam is awesome.” We stood there for a little while longer, fire watching. When the fires started to die down, I let out a contented breath. “All right, let’s go talk to this damn troll.”

  Chapter 17

  Aurora came and joined us as the fires died down.

  “Well done, you two,” she said, giving our work an appreciative nod.

  “Ah it was nothing,” Zane said flipping a hand on the air.

  I rolled my eyes. It was one of the worst experiences of both my lives. “This all better be worth it,” I said, leading us over to the blocked-off cave where the troll was hiding. I went up to that boulder obstructing the entrance and knocked on it. “Okay, you can come out now,” I said to the rock troll. “All the hairy crawlies are gone.”

  “Truly?” the rock troll asked in a hopeful voice. “Are they really gone?”

  “Come and see for yourself.”

  “I don’t like fibbers.”

  “Neither do I.”

  “If you’re telling fibseys, I’ll crush you like a stonesy.”

  “Oh man, this is exhausting,” I lamented. “Okay, buddy. If I’m fibbing, you can crush me to death. Just come and see for yourself.”

  “Oh all right.” There was a small rumble as that huge boulder was pushed to the side. The cave entrance came into view and out of the darkness stepped our stonecrusher. He wasn’t particularly tall, but he was wide, had no neck, and his head was kind of misshapen. His skin was a cream color, smooth and rubbery. Thin strands of greasy hair hung tangled and tousled down the side of his face. He had two big, saucer-like eyes that were flat and kind of lifeless like a doll’s eyes. They were totally devoid of intelligence, dumb and child-like. What teeth he had left rose up from his bottom lip. While he had a permanent grin on his face as if he was in a constant state of happiness. He was just a big, dumb, pathetic creature. I actually felt sorry for him.

  He lumbered up to us, his arms hanging down by his sides, falling the length of his body. But those hands, goddamn. They were huge. Nigella hadn’t been lying. They were like a kid’s drawing—exaggerated, oversized. The knuckles dragged along the ground they were so large and heavy.

  He had a big, exaggerated look around him, those wide, open eyes taking in everything. “There’s no hairy crawlies.”

  “That’s ’cause they’re gone,” I said to him with a grin.

  “Hairy crawlies are gone. Truly gone!” he said with a joyful chuckle. His eyes welled up. “Hairy crawlies been here forever. They eatsed everyone else and left me all on my lonesy.” He lowered his head and shook it with a shuddering sigh. A grin then spread across his face and he lifted his head back up. “Now that hairy crawlies is gone I can crush stoneses again.” He gazed down at the rocks by his feet and he gasped. “Uh! Stoneses!” he said, picking up a rock the size of my head with his massive hand. He pulled his fingers in and the rock burst apart, making Aurora start. Dust and small fragments of rock fell to the ground between his fingers. He let out a laugh of pleasure and surprise all in one. “Stoneses,” he said in a loved-up voice. “Stoneses!” He clasped his hands together and held them up to his face as if praying. “Stoneses!” he said, his eyes welling with tears.

  “Yeah, stoneses, buddy. All the stoneses you want.” Okay, now that we’d finally got him out of the cave, it was time to get his name so I could conduct the binding spell. “So, buddy, what is your—”

  “Stoneses!” he bellowed and stomped away.

  “Hey, where you going?” I asked, but he wasn’t listening.

  He raced up to a boulder and gave it a hug. The thing cracked into pieces, the chunks falling to the sides. The stonecrusher immediately picked up one of the larger chunks and crushed it with a loud crunch. A groan of pleasure escaped him. He went straight for another one, then another, looking about him as excited as a kid on Christmas morning. He didn’t know which rock to pick up next.

  “Oh boy,” I said to myself as I went after him. “Hey, buddy,” I said to him as he crushed anther rock and groaned in pleasure. “Buddy, listen. What’s your name?”

  He didn’t listen. He was too busy crushing stones.

  I cleared my throat and tried again. “Hey, I asked you what your name is.”

  “Not telling!” he snapped and picked up a stone.

  “Why?”

  “You’ll laugh at my namesy! Not telling!”

  “Come on, buddy,” I said with a chuckle. “I won’t laugh at’cha.”

  “Yes, you will! Not telling my namesy. Never!”

  Stubborn old... I put on a grin. “Hey, come on, pal. I promise not to laugh. Cross my heart and hope to die.”

  He swiveled to face me and his eyes flashed with anger, his mouth scrunched up. He raised his fists and I found myself backing up. “Whoa. Hey, we’re all friends,” I told him.

  “I’ll never tell you my namesy. Not by Perina! So leave me alone!” he raged.

  “Okay, okay, no namesy!” I blurted as he advanced on me with his fists raised. “No namesy!”

  He cooled and lowered his fists. “Good! Now leave me alonesy. I wants to crush stoneses.” He set off to look for more stoneses.

  I puffed my cheeks in relief and turned to the other two. “That’s one tough cookie.”

  We watched him hop to the end of the pit to a bunch of bigger stones and he got to work breaking those down. I watched him in bemusement. Why did he enjoy crushing stones so much? We needed to get him in a quarry in the Overworld. He’d do the work of twenty guys for free!

  “We’ve got to find out his name so I can conduct the binding spell,” I told Aurora and Zane. I rubbed my chin. “There must be a way of getting him to tell us.” We all gazed at the ceiling in thought, while the stonecrusher crushed stones in the distance.

  Aurora clicked her fingers. “I’ve got a plan!” she said. “Zane have you got that invisibility potion with you?”

  Zane reached inside his inner jacket pocket and pulled out that scotch bottle. “Never leave home without it,” he said with a wink.

  “Give it here.” Aurora took it and had a big gulp. “Mmm,” she said before handing it back to Zane. “Now you two.”

  “What’s this all about, Aurora?” I asked as I watched her vanish from view. All except her eyeballs of course.

  “You’ll see. Just drink. I’m curious to see what it does to you.”

  Zane drank some and was already turning into a goatee and eyebrows. He handed me the bottle and I stared down at it. That orange gloop looked about as appealing as a glass of goblin piss.

  “Go on, drink,” a pair of eyeballs said to me.

  “Come on, Gabriel. Not afraid of a little Potion of Invisibility, are you?” a goatee said to me.

  My top lip curled up. I wasn’t about to be goaded by a goatee! “Cheers!” I said and took a big gulp. Thick, syrupy liquid oozed down my gullet. It didn’t taste nearly as bad as I thought it would. Sweet with a slightly bitter aftertaste. That must have been the citrus peel and clove oil of course. Within seconds, a tingle started up in my stomach that kind of tickled in a pleasant way. It spread out to every part of my body and faded almost as soon as it came as if a million tiny fingers tickled every nerve ending in my body as they passed through my veins and out into the ether. I had a delicate shiver and looked down at my hands. Yep, they were fading fast. Man, it was trippy seeing the ground through them. It was like virtual reality or something.

  Aurora’s giggle made me meet her creepy eyeball stare. “What’s wrong?”

  “You’re a blond wig and ears,” she told
me.

  I turned to the goatee and it started nodding up and down. “Yes. Such flowing gold locks you have,” it said to me.

  “Bite me, Zane. So, it’s only my hair you can see?”

  “And your ears,” said Aurora.

  So I’m a shoulder-length blond wig and ears. “Okay, now what?” I asked. “You just wanted to see what Zane’s crappy potion would do to me?”

  “Yeah,” Aurora said with a laugh.

  I put my invisible hands on my invisible hips. “I don’t believe this! Aurora, we haven’t got time for games.”

  “Oh, shut up, Gramps! Come over here and stand behind me.”

  “What have I said about this ‘Gramps’ thing?”

  “Just stop complaining and come over here!”

  With a huff, I went, feeling weirdly conscious of myself as a floating wig. I went and stood behind the eyeballs and gazed down at them.

  “Duck down lower,” Aurora said.

  I bent my knees slightly until my eyes were level with those eyeballs. Staring at the back of them made me nauseous. All those veins. Ugh!

  “Well, how do we look, Zane?” Aurora asked him.

  The goatee nodded again. “Ah, I see what you’re trying to do. Yes, your eyes look like they go with the wig.”

  “And now all we need are eyebrows and a goatee,” said Aurora.

  Zane came over and aligned himself ahead of Aurora.

  “Higher,” Aurora said. “Lower. Ah, there.”

  I craned my neck back and rolled my eyes down. Zane’s eyebrows were hovering over Aurora’s eyeballs and his goatee made it look like a mouth. With my hair and ears, we had a face. A freaking weird one, but a face floating on the air.

  “Okay, so we’ve got the world’s greatest ever entry to an ugly contest,” I stated. “Now what?”

  “Now we talk to our rock troll friend,” Aurora answered. “Follow me and stay in sync.”

  We moved as one unit along the pit, which wasn’t easy with there being crushed rocks all over the place. Although our torches had vanished alongside us, their glow still emanated outward, not only lighting the way, but adding to the strange effect of everything, making it appear as if we almost glowed. The stonecrusher was off in the near distance, picking up boulders and crushing them in his massive hands for whatever reason compelled him to do so.

  “Okay, let me do the talking,” said Aurora as we drew close to the troll.

  He picked up a boulder and crushed it down. A groan of pleasure escaped him.

  “Okay, everyone line up,” Aurora said.

  “This better work,” I said, lining myself up with her eyeballs and Zane’s beard.

  When we were set, Aurora cleared her throat. “Stonecrusher!” she said in a commanding voice.

  The troll dropped the rocks in his hands and turned his head. When he laid his eyes on the weird face floating ahead of him, he let out a gasp of surprise. “Wha—” he uttered in trepidation, flinching back.

  “I am Perina,” Aurora said. “Your goddess. You will do as I say.”

  The troll whirled around to face us and dropped to his knees. “Is it really you, Perina?”

  “Yes. It is I, Perina, the goddess of magic and you will do as I say.”

  The troll just stared at us in awe, his jaw slack.

  I rolled my eyes, feeling like a total dolt. We were standing there playing Mr. frickin’ Potato Head with a rock troll. I couldn’t believe it.

  “Tell me your name, fair creature borne of magic,” said Aurora.

  “Why Perina got beardy?” the troll asked. “Perina have beautiful, flowing golden hairseys. Like an angel is Perina. But why Perina have beardy? Beardy for manses. Perina ladyses.”

  “Oh man, this guy isn’t as dumb as we’d thought!” I whispered.

  “Shut up, Gabe!” Aurora hissed. “I have a beard because I’m a lady and a man,” Aurora told him.

  The troll’s eyes widened. “Huh?”

  “That’s right. I am a man and lady in one!”

  The cogs of the stonecrusher’s mind worked behind his eyes. He put a finger up to his mouth as he worked it all out. Eventually, his eyes lit up. “Ah, Perina manses and ladyses. In one!” He chuckled to himself. He clasped his huge hands together and bowed his head. “Fair goddessey, I am at your mercy.”

  “Tell me your name, oh wondrous beast.”

  “No,” the troll said in a sheepish tone. “I’m embarrassed.”

  Aurora growled to herself. A second later and the troll was grabbing the sides of his head. “Ow, your voicey is in my headses, oh great one. Please take voicey out of headses. Headses hurt!”

  “Then tell me your name!” she sneered.

  “You promises you won’t laughses?”

  “I am Perina. I do not laugh at my creations!”

  “Promises?”

  “Just tell me your name, damn you!”

  “Please don’t get angryses with me, oh great one.” He took a deep breath. “My namesey is...”

  “Yes?”

  “My namesey is...”

  “Yes?” Aurora growled.

  “Colin,” he uttered in a glum voice. His eyes turned despondent and his bottom lip trembled.

  I stepped ahead of everyone else. “Colin?” I echoed. “Your name’s Colin?”

  Colin’s eyes flashed with surprise. “Who are you?”

  “I’m the guy with the ace of diamonds,” I said, pointing it at him.

  “Colin’s not a bad name for a rock troll,” Aurora said to him.

  Colin’s head dropped. “Other trollses get good nameses like Fogbottom and Fartwart. I got Colin. Other trollses laughs at my namesy. It’s not funny!”

  “My heart bleeds,” I said and recited the binding spell, now that we finally had this dumbo’s name. Before Colin knew what was happening, a door to the Void opened up and sucked him in. His hands tried to grip the edge of the opening, but even they couldn’t stop the pull of the Void. He vanished in there and the opening closed up behind him.

  “Colin. Pff,” I said to myself as I replaced the card in my pocket. “Who’d have thunk it. A rock troll called Colin.”

  “I think it suits him,” said Aurora.

  “I would’ve gone with Fartwart,” I retorted. “Mind you, that would’ve sounded like crap every time I needed to summon him. Fartwart! Come hither and aide me in battle!” I looked around me. The now empty pit of rocks stared back at me. Our time there was up. “All right, we’ve got what we came for. Let’s go back outside and get back to the Overworld.”

  *****

  We climbed out of the pit and made our way down the tunnel, a floating wig, beard, and eyeballs. We reached the hobgob’s banquet hall where they still slept like babies.

  We floated through their disgusting feasting chamber, our near invisibility helping to sneak past them, and entered the tunnel beyond. The moment we did, a cold sensation overcame me and I shuddered. There was something up ahead, loitering in the tunnel. It hovered off the ground, its feet hidden beneath a tattered, purple gown. Skinny, blue arms dangled by its sides. It took on an opaque form, the wall behind it visible through it. It turned to face us and I started. Bulbous, ruby-red eyes were embedded in a face of blue, parchment-like skin, wrinkled like a prune. Jagged teeth lined its open mouth, scraggly, white hair grew from its scalp like weeds.

  It was a banshee. Just like Bracken had warned.

  It glared our way, its gaze seemingly fixed on us. Another came to join it and they both stared at us.

  “Stay still,” I whispered. “I don’t think they can see us.”

  The banshees flew in toward us, their claws out.

  So much for that theory. Being phantasms, they could most probably see our auras, rendering the Potion of Invisibility useless. I pulled out Excalibur and jumped ahead of Aurora and Zane. The first of the banshees drew close and I cut my blade across the air. The banshee’s hideous snarl got up close and personal, its jagged teeth ready to take a chunk out of me. Excalibur con
nected with its side and an electrified jolt shuddered through the blade and up my arm. Excalibur sliced through the apparition with a slight resistance like I was cutting through blancmange. Being a divine blade, Excalibur could take care of spiritual pests like ghosts, polts, wraiths, and banshees. The bottom half of the banshee fell away and disintegrated into nothing. The top half jerked back. It tilted its face to the ceiling and let out a scream that would’ve given Aurora a run for her money. The raucous noise battered against everything: the celling, the walls, my ears. I threw my hands up to my ears to protect them from the din as that wave of noise shot down the tunnel and rebounded back again. The reverbs made it last even longer than it should have. Eventually, the banshee ran out of steam and what was left of it fizzled out into mist and vanished.

  But the damage had already been done. The ruckus finally woke up our drunk hobgob friends from their slumber. They came filing into the tunnel from the banquet chamber, armed with pikes and clubs and axes, gibbering amongst themselves in agitation. I froze, my eyes rolling in their sockets. Luckily, they didn’t notice us. Instead, they ran straight past us, their attention fixed on the remaining banshee. They immediately encircled it and the banshee faced them off.

  Now that they had captured one another’s attention, we could make a clean escape if we sneaked past them.

  “Follow me,” I whispered on the air and set off, pressing myself up against the far cave wall. I edged along, drawing close to the hobgobs as they rocked on their heels. The banshee went for one of them and they all jumped back. The banshee swung away and snarled. It was surrounded. The hobgobs must have had some method of dealing with banshees having lived in this cave for so long. Maybe they just hoped to scare it more than it scared them.

  Whatever, as long as they preoccupied one another long enough for us to get by, I didn’t give a damn. I scuttled along with Aurora and Zane close behind. The banshee and the hobgobs continued goading one another. All good. We made it close by and a nasty reek of booze and bogs hit me. I tried my best to hold the contents of my stomach down as I crept past. I finally reached them all and the hobgobs continued with their excited gibbering while the banshee glowered at them all. I passed by them and one of them must have caught a glimpse of my wig out of the corner of his eye. He turned to face me, stopping me in my tracks. The hobgob’s face scrunched up in confusion as he stared at me, his eyes blinking rapidly. He made a small noise of surprise, “Ey?”