Brenda

by Lee Ellis

  “Maybe we should back up, sir,” Reginald said with a sigh. “What I was suggesting is that maybe if you familiarize yourself with the game of rugby, it would give you and Ms. Brenda something to discuss. A common interest, as it were.”

  “Right, then we’ll use that common interest to lure kids into her apartment!”

  “Um, no, sir.”

  “Remind me, Reginald, can you use an adult Taser on children, or do you have to get a special kiddy Taser?”

  “They don’t make Tasers for children, sir.”

  “Well, obviously they don’t Reginald. I mean, nobody wants children running around Tasing people. What I mean was do you need a different Taser to Tase children?”

  “I’m aware, sir. No, they don’t make a Taser for that, sir.”

  “Just use an adult Taser, then?”

  “No, sir. I meant that you aren’t allowed to Tase children.”

  “Really? Fucking liberals.”

  An hour later, Jacob stormed into the kitchen, furious.

  “What the hell, Reginald, you lying sack of shit?”

  “Is there a problem, sir?”

  “You’re damn right there’s a problem. You think that shit is funny?”

  “I’m certain that I don’t follow you, sir.”

  “Bullshit. You told me repeatedly that it wasn’t porn. I asked time and time again whether you were trying to trick me into watching porn, and you said no. So I go to watch this ‘rugby match’ and turn on the TV, and what do I get? Porn, Reginald.”

  “Well, I seriously doubt that, sir, but if it was porn, I fail to see what you’re angry about.”

  “Gay porn, Reginald. It was gay porn.”

  “Are you certain, sir? I find it very difficult to believe that they would be televising homosexual pornography.”

  “Come see for yourself, Reginald.”

  Jacob stormed into the other room with Reginald in tow, picked up the remote and turned on the TV.

  “You see, Reginald.”

  “I see a rugby match, sir.”

  “Bullshit that’s a rugby match. It’s more like a game of smear the queer. Somebody picks up a ball, then runs about five feet before somebody tackles him and lays on top of him.”

  “Exactly, sir. That’s rugby.”

  “Bullshit. Then why do they keep sticking their heads into each other’s asses?”

  “That’s called a ruck, sir.”

  “Well, it’s gay as shit. If this is what I have to do to get an Aussie chick to like me, forget it. I’m not sticking my head into any sweaty man ass.”

  “Well, sir, nobody expects you to actually play the sport. But perhaps if you just learned a little bit about it?”

  “Fuck you, Reginald. I’m heading down to Rock’s. He won’t be doing anything gay.”

  An elevator ride later, Jacob entered Rock’s apartment to find a shirtless Rock shaving his chest.

  “Hey Rock. What are you up to?”

  “Sup brosellina. Not much. Just shaving my chest.”

  “Uh, yeah, I gathered that from the shaving cream on your bare naked man chest and the razor in your hand. Why?”

  “Well, that chick Nancy. You know who I’m talking about?”

  “The one who works with me, whose calls you’re ignoring? Yeah, I saw her last night.”

  “Yeah dude. Anyway, she likes her men completely hairless.”

  “Really? Does she also like ten-year olds?”

  “Haha. So anyway, I’m shaving all my body hair.”

  “I thought you two were done?”

  “Nah, we’re back together.”

  “Cool. Well, let me know when you’re going to shave your balls, because as uncomfortable as this is, I really don’t want to be around for that.”

  Rock took a couple of final strokes with his razor and wiped the shaving cream from his chest. “No worries. It’s already been taken care of. So, what’s up?”

  “Nothing. Just wanted to see what you were up to. So what ever happened with the whole you and Nancy thing?”

  Rock shrugged. “We’re back together. Well, I’m not sure back is the right word, since we never formally broke up, but yeah. We’re back in the saddle. Back to plowing, if you know what I mean,” Rock said, referring to sexual intercourse, while arching his eyebrows and playfully nudging Jacob.

  “Yeah. I get it.”

  “We’re having sex again.”

  “Rock, I said I get it.”

  “We had sex last night.”

  “Rock, for fuck’s sake, I don’t need to hear every detail of your personal life. You and Nancy are dating again, let’s leave it at that.”

  Rock winced. “Ohh, I don’t know that dating is the right word for it. You know the Rock star isn’t into the whole DTR thing. We are what we are man,” Rock said, alleviating Jacob’s concern that they might be something they’re not.

  “Right. So when did you two get back together? I just saw her last night, and she said you’d been ignoring her calls all week.”

  “Oh, I had been, but I saw her last night. Bumped into her at a bar.”

  “Oh, no shit. I was at that same bar,” Jacob said excitedly.

  “Dude no way,” Rock exclaimed, shocked that the two men could have been in the same place at the same time. “Oh, man, I must have missed you.”

  “Yeah, man. When were you there?”

  After some sterling investigative work uncovered the fact that they were in fact in the same bar at the same time, a fact that should have been neither surprising nor interesting, the two boneheads managed to continue their conversation.

  “So anyway, when did you bump into her? When I saw her she told me you were still ignoring her calls,” Jacob said.

  “Oh, yeah, I was. Yeah, we bumped into each other as she was leaving.”

  “Oh, did she see you? She was asking about you earlier in the night.”

  “Really? Fuck, broso, what did you tell her?”

  Jacob shrugged. “That I didn’t know what was up with you, since I’m not your fucking mother.”

  “Cool, brolo. Nice save. Anyway, no, I saw her leaving and ran her down.”

  “What? Why’d you do that if you were so intent on ignoring her all last week?”

  Rock put his hand on Jacob’s shoulder. “Dude, the ignoring her was the means to an end. I mean, we were spending way too much time together. The Rock head was concerned that he was losing his independence. I was seriously concerned that I’d gone and stuck my dick in crazy, if you know what I mean.”

  “She probably feels the same way. Continue.”

  “She doesn’t have a dick,” Rock said with a confused look, before his confusion gave way to alarm. “Wait, does she? What have you heard?”

  “Nothing. It was a joke, Rock. Go on.”

  “Are you sure? Because I’m cool with transgender people and all, but Rock-o-roni is not into that. I like my women with as few dicks as possible.”

  “Rock, you’ve slept with her. If she had a dick, don’t you think you would have noticed by now?”

  “Maybe. Probably. Anyway, I’ll just have to ask her about that later.”

  “I would not recommend that.”

  “So anyway, my concern was that she was becoming too clingy, you know? So, I ignored her, you know, to create some distance. So she wouldn’t become too attached.”

  “Right, because that’s the sane thing to do.”

  “But last night, I saw her leaving the bar. With a black guy. Like, she was about to go home with him.”

  “And that’s when you approached her?”

  “Right, dude. See, you get it,” Rock said, slapping Jacob on the shoulder.

  “No, not at all. So, seeing her with a black guy turned you on so much you just had to have her back immediately?”

  “Well, no dude. Though now that you mention it, that is a large chunk of my pornography collection.”

  “Yeah, mine too.”

  “Anyway, when I saw her ready to go hom
e with that black guy, I figured I’d achieved my goal in ignoring her calls.”

  “Your goal was to make her fuck a black guy?”

  “Well, no dude. It was to create some distance, you know, make her less dependent on me. Less clingy.”

  “Oh, right. Because she wanted to spend time with you.”

  “Exact… well, yeah, exactly. So, when I saw she was about to plow some other dude…”

  “A black dude.”

  “Exactly. When I saw she was going to bang some other black dude, I figured she was just down to clown, and we were cool.”

  “So you cockblocked a black guy and went home with her?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Racist.”

  “How is that racist?” Rock asked before being interrupted by a knock at the door. He opened it, and the banshee on the other side shrieked.

  “Oh. My. God. Let me take a picture.”

  “You like it?” said Rock, smiling proudly as Nancy entered the room and took a picture of his bare chest. Given Nancy’s propensity for posting pictures on the internet, I have no idea how Rock thought letting her take a picture of him hairless and shirtless was a good idea, but he was Rock, and good ideas were not his forte.

  “Oh. My. God.” Nancy gushed as she snapped a photo with her smartphone. “I absolutely love it. You look just like a newborn baby. I can’t wait to get you alone later. Rowr.”

  “Sweet,” said Rock.

  “Creepy,” said Jacob.

  “Oh, hi, Jacob. How are you?”

  “Alive.”

  “Oh. My. God. Jacob, you have to see my pictures from the other night.”

  “I have to?” Jacob began to protest, but Nancy dragged him to her and pulled up her pictures. As she flipped through them, Jacob didn’t even make an effort to act like he was paying attention, since he cared neither about the pictures or about Nancy, and they were about as interesting as looking through other people’s pictures always is. Nancy was too absorbed in her pictures to notice.

  “Yep. Nice. Oh, that’s a cool one,” Jacob said, rolling his eyes.

  “Jacob, I’m not showing you pictures anymore.”

  “Oh. I didn’t realize that.”

  “I’ve been done for about five minutes.”

  “You could have told me that, you know.”

  “I have. Several times.”

  “Whatever. Anyway, I should be going, I suppose.”

  “Yeah, we should be as well,” Nancy said, shoving her phone into her purse.

  “Oh, my god. I don’t want to hear about your sex life,” Jacob said, heading for the door.

  “What are you talking about?” Nancy asked.

  “Heh, yeah. We’re just going shopping today. Nancy has some books to pick up,” Rock said, walking Jacob out the door and into the hall.

  “What books? Some romance bullshit?”

  “No, uh, some accounting books. She needs them for class.”

  “Class? She works with me.”

  “Yeah, but she’s going to night school. Working on an advanced degree.”

  “Hmm. Good for her, I guess. What degree?”

  “Fuck if I know. Some accounting bullshit. Anyway, I’ll see you later.”

  Jacob got on the elevator with the brunette already in there, and turned to press the button to his floor to find it already lit up. Shit, this is the girl from last night. What was her name?

  “Hey, Juliet,” Jacob said with a polite smile.

  “Uh, it’s Janelle,” Juliet said.

  “Yeah, that’s what I said,” Jacob said, coughing, or at least faking one. “Sorry, I must not have pronounced it very clearly.”

  “Oh, no, it was my bad. How are you, Jacob?”

  “Good, good. Yourself?”

  “I’m doing alright.”

  “Good. Where are you heading?”

  “Uh, my apartment.”

  “Right. Because you live on my floor. Sorry, I guess that was a stupid question.”

  “Oh, it’s fine. There are no stupid questions,” Janelle said, trying to defuse the awkwardness with a lame, untrue saying.

  “I knew that. That you lived on my floor. I totally knew that.”

  “Good.”

  “I didn’t forget.”

  “Alright.”

  “I also knew your name wasn’t Juliet. It was Janson.”

  “Um, Janelle. Bye Jacob,” Janson said with an awkward smile as she exited the elevator and walked into some random apartment on Jacob’s floor.

  “What’s up Reginald?” Jacob asked as he opened the door to his apartment and walked in, since that’s typically what one does when they get to their apartment. “What type of gay shit have you been up to since I left?”

  “Well, I wasn’t watching a friend shave their body hair, if that’s what you’re asking, sir.”

  “Shut up, Reginald. Anyway, did I miss anything while I was gone?”

  “Actually, sir, yes. Ms. Fontaine dropped by.”

  “Lucy? That’s weird. I didn’t get a text or a call from her. Are you sure?”

  “Yes, sir. She actually stopped by. You know, knocked on the door and what not.”

  “Weird. Who the hell does that anymore?”

  “Isn’t that what you just did to Sir Rock?”

  “Shut up, Reginald. Anyway, what did she want?”

  “Well, I didn’t talk to her, obviously, sir. But she did leave this note.”

  Reginald handed Jacob a note, which read, “Jacob, Call me. Let’s do lunch tomorrow. I have something kind of important I want to discuss in person.”

  Chapter 9-Lucy Tells Jacob Something. Something Important, Obviously.

  “Jacob, hi. Thank you for joining me,” Lucy greeted Jacob the following day as he walked into the restaurant where they’d agreed to meet.

  “Oh, it’s no problem. Shall we get in line?” Jacob said, as they stood in line at the Mexican restaurant where they were eating. “I like this place better than the last place we ate. At least here I can remember the name of what I ordered.”

  “Right. Spicy Tuna Roll is real difficult to remember.”

  “I know, right? Hey, what is char ease oh?”

  “Chorizo? It’s a type of sausage.”

  “Ah,” Jacob said, approaching the counter. “Yes, can I have the chorizo on tort i-ll-a, please?”

  “For fuck’s sake, Jacob, it’s tortilla. The l’s are silent,” Lucy said, rubbing her temple in her hands. The two took a seat near the window, and Jacob started in on his meal.

  “So, how are you liking work?” Lucy asked, sipping her cool delicious beverage through her straw. Ahhh, refreshing.

  Jacob shrugged as he continued to munch on his burrito, or taco, or whatever the fuck chorizo on a tortilla actually translates into. “It’s alright, I guess. I haven’t killed David yet, so that’s a plus.”

  “David Craig? He’s actually a good guy, but yeah, he can be a bit much to handle at times. Anyway, at least he says what he believes in, you know?”

  “He’s free to believe whatever he wants. I just wish he’d shut up about it for more than ten seconds at a time. And it’s not Craig, remember? It’s David Shin-huan Nokimagi.”

  Lucy smiled and held her hand to her mouth. “It’s Chen. But your point has been made. You can’t blame the man for having principles.”

  “Sure I can. And whatever his name is. I can’t be expected to remember every Chinese name a white person has.”

  “Chen? It’s a fairly common name.”

  “Whatever. I simplified it a bit. So it’s easier to remember.”

  “I’m pretty sure Chen is easier to remember than Shin-huan Nokimagi.”

  “No, because I simplify all Chinese names into the same thing. Then I only have to remember the one name.”

  “But Nokimagi isn’t Chinese. It’s Japanese.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  “A strip of water, culture, and a couple thousand years of history.”

  “
Interesting. I still plan on calling them all Shin-huan Choo.”

  “I thought it was Nokimagi.”

  Jacob rolled his eyes. “Well, it was, but according to you, that’s racist, so I changed it.”

  “I never said it was racist.”

  “Your tone implied it.”

  “Well, it is incredibly racist.”

  “See? That’s why I changed it to Shin-huan Choo.”

  “That’s not any better.”

  Jacob let out a deep sigh. “Well, there’s just no satisfying you, now is there?”

  “Sure there is. You could just learn people’s names, and call them by that. You know, which is kind of the purpose of having individualized names.”

  “Nope. Too much work. They’re all Shin-huan Choo.”

  “That’s still racist. How would you feel if they called all white people by the same name?”

  “Why not?” Jacob shrugged. “I do it.”

  “Really?”

  “Sure. They’re all Bob Smith.”

  “Mm-hmm. And what about the women?”

  “Bobbette Smith.”

  “Blacks?”

  “Tyrone Harvey and Laquisha Harvette.”

  “That’s just… wow. Hispanics?”

  “El Juano el-Guillermo. El.”

  “Jacob, that makes no sense.”

  Jacob wagged his finger at her. “El-Jacobo, that el-makes-o no el-senso.”

  “Whatever. Hispanic women?”

  “El Juana Guillerma.”

  Lucy sighed and rolled her eyes. “Fine. So Arabs?”

  “Mohammed and Miss Mohammed.”

  “And Asian men?”

  “Shin-huan Choo.”

  “Wait, I thought Shin-huan Choo was what you called Asian women.”

  “It is.”

  “You use the same name for both Asian men and women?”

  Jacob winced and scratched his head. “Yeah, so I can’t tell the difference between Asian men’s names and women’s names. I know that may sound a little racist, but there it is.”

  “That may sound a little racist? Of all the things you’ve said today, you’re concerned that that may sound a little racist?” Lucy laughed and shook her head. “Oh, Jacob, whatever will I do with you?”

  “Offer me a job. That’s what you did last time,” Jacob muttered under his breath.