by Lee Ellis
“Come on, now. Who knows something like that? Oher than Australians?”
“I knew that,” Lucy chimed in.
“Really?” Jacob asked.
“Yeah, Jacob, it’s a universal calendar. Pretty much the whole world uses the same one. It’s not like different countries have different calendars.”
“Well, I didn’t know that.”
“Yeah, you should have. I knew that.”
“Yeah, dude, you really should have,” Rock said.
“Oh come on,” Jacob protested. “It’s not like you knew that.”
“What are you talking about, dude?” Rock said. “Of course I did.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, dude.”
“Huh. Maybe I should have known that then. Lucy’s pretty smart and all, but if even you knew it, then I should really get on the ball. You’re pretty dumb.”
“No, I’m not,” Rock said, laughing uneasily.
“Yeah, you are,” Jacob said.
“You are,” Lucy said.
“I don’t know you, but you certainly seem to be,” Brenda said.
“Yeah, I am,” Rock said.
“I’m not even in this conversation, and I think you are,” said the waiter. “Hors d’ouevres?”
“Oh my god, those look totes delish! Someone take a picture,” Nancy said, before turning her attention to the group. “What are you guys talking about?”
“Whether Rock’s stupid or not.”
“Oh, well he totally is, but that’s okay,” Nancy said, putting her arm around his waist and resting her head on his chest. “He’s still my widdle snuggowbuttoms, aren’t you snoogie woogie?”
“Yes I am,” Rock said, nuzzling the top of her head disgustingly. “I’m your snoogie woogie bear.”
“And I’m your hunny bunny dunny.”
“What. The. Fuck,” Jacob said.
“That’s just weird,” Lucy said.
“Oh, that’s fucking gross. Seriously,” Brenda said. “Get a goddamn room you two.”
God damn it, this is just awkward, Jacob thought, staring uneasily at Lucy and Brenda as Rock and Nancy continued their public love fest. This is just like a couple too. Shove their love in everybody’s face, with no regard to how anyone else is feeling or the fact that nobody wants to fucking watch you make out, you fucking self-centered cunts. What the fuck is wrong with them? Don’t they know it’s common courtesy not to act like that in public? I hate happy people.
Just then, the clock struck midnight. Rock kissed Nancy, David kissed Patricia, and Jacob looked longingly at Brenda. The tension built, music played in the background, and fuck it, I’ll just tell you.
Jacob pussed out and kissed Lucy instead.
Chapter 16-Rock is in Love. What a Pussy.
Jacob rolled out of bed and made his way to the kitchen. He grabbed a large glass of water and some ibuprofen and went back to bed. He’d partied pretty hard at the New Year’s Party last night, and was not in the mood to face the day quite yet. After a few more hours sleep, his body’s revenge had lessened, and he went out to the kitchen for good this time.
“How was last night, sir?” Reginald asked, greeting young sir Jacob with a friendly smile and a cup of coffee to brighten his morning.
“Fuck you, Reginald.”
“Oh,” Reginald said with a smug smile. “What seems to be the problem, sir? Could it have something to do with the party you attended last night?”
“Fuck you, Reginald.”
Reginald clicked his tongue and shook his head in faux sorrow. “So, I take it the party didn’t go particularly well, sir?”
“Fuck you, Reginald,” Jacob said, spitting his coffee out as it burned his tongue. “Ouch, what the fuck? Did you intentionally try to make this as hot as possible, you twat licking buffoon?”
“Yes, sir, I intentionally boiled it, then let it cool just below boiling so you wouldn’t notice, just to cause you temporary discomfort. Now, back to last night, if you would, sir.”
“Fuck you, Reginald, you know damn well what happened last night.”
“Oh, so you tried to kiss Ms. Brenda and she rejected you, sir?”
“No, Reginald.”
“Hmm. Did Ms. Brenda not show up?”
“No, Reginald.”
“Then I’m confused, sir. You’ve focused so much on the stupid action that nobody in the real world would do, which is really more like a bad plot device than anything else, that surely you must have at least attempted it. If she showed up and didn’t reject you, then what else could have happened, sir?”
Jacob sat in silence, staring sadly into his coffee.
“I said ‘what else could have happened, sir’.”
Jacob continued to ignore Reginald.
“What else could have happened, sir?” Reginald asked again, louder this time.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Reginald, I chickened out and kissed Lucy, alright?”
“Oh, my, sir. Did Ms. Lucy reject you?”
A wave of confusion washed over Jacob’s face. “What? Of course not. You know she likes me. That’s why I kissed her instead of Brenda.”
Reginald leaned over on his closed fist, a smile of smug amusement on his face. “So, sir, you kissed the girl you knew liked you instead of risking rejection from the girl you actually like? Hmm, who could ever have predicted that?”
“Shut up, Reginald.”
“Whoever could have said that you would settle with the safe bet instead of risking going after the girl you really liked?”
“Shut up, Reginald.”
“I could, sir, and I did. Because I’m awesome. I know you better than you know yourself, sir, and I knew you would pussy out and go with the safe choice. Me, sir, me! Looks like maybe somebody should listen to old Reginald a little more, sir. I told you what you’d do, you denied it, and guess who was right. Reginald, sir, Reginald was right. Boom, sir, FACE!” Reginald said, sticking his hand in Jacob’s face as he said it.
“Damn, Reginald,” Jacob said, looking more surprised than angry. “What got into you?”
“Sorry, sir, but I regret nothing.”
“Nor should you. That display was out of nowhere and was downright impressive, kind of like the virgin, Catholic girl who suddenly busts out a raunchy joke. Anyway, I’m heading to Rock’s. I’ll see you later.”
“Oh, yeah. Everybody do the Reginald,” Reginald said, talking to himself as Jacob walked out the door and dancing the way only an old Englishman can.
“Rock. Hey, Rock. You home man?” Jacob said, knocking on the door to Rock’s apartment. Rock answered the door wearing only a towel.
“Oh, sorry, dude,” Jacob said. “Did I catch you getting out of the shower or something?”
“No,” Rock said with a confused look on his face. “What’s up, bro? Come in.”
“That’s alright. I’ll wait for you to get dressed.”
“I am dressed, dude.”
“You’re wearing a towel.”
“Yeah, dude,” Rock said, spinning around to show off his fashion innovations, which had the unwanted effect of, well, you can imagine. “It’s my lounging towel.”
Jacob entered the apartment hesitantly and looked for a place to sit. “Is there any place in here that you haven’t stuck your naked ass on?”
“Not naked, dude,” Rock said, gesturing to his towel, which made it appear as though he was making the “suck it” sign. “Lounge towel, bro.”
“Whatever,” Jacob said, sitting on Rock’s couch and noticing Nancy for the first time sitting on a chair in the corner. “You know, I can come back later if this is a bad time.”
“Don’t be silly. Nancy and I just finished picking out a couple of apartments to go looking at later this week, and I was making her some breakfast before she has to head to yoga,” Rock said, heading over to the stove and stirring the scrambled eggs, while smiling at Nancy.
“My honey boo is such a sweetie pie,” Nancy gushed disgustingly. “I assume you l
ike bacon and eggs. If not, I’m sure you’ll like Wockie Wock’s. They’re. Totes. Delish.”
“Bacon and eggs are fine… wait, Rock, you’re cooking bacon?”
“Yeah, dude. Why?” Rock asked, not seeing the problem yet.
“You’re wearing a towel.”
Rock sighed. “We’ve been over this dude. Lounge towel. I’m not changing.”
“You don’t see a problem cooking bacon while practically naked?”
“Unless awesome is suddenly a problem, then no.”
“Are you stupid?”
“Yeah, dude. What’s that got to do with anything?”
Exasperated, Jacob turned to Nancy for help, but she just looked over the top of her magazine and shrugged. “I told him the exact same thing. Explained it in detail, but he didn’t listen. I figure let him burn himself once, and he’ll learn.”
“Fair enough,” Jacob said with a defeated sigh. “In his case, it may take a couple of times.”
“Whatevs. At least we get nakey bacon until then,” Nancy said, going back to reading her magazine.
“So, what are you reading there, Nancy?” Jacob said, because people who are reading are typically looking to make small talk. What a social genius Jacob was. Good job, Jacob! “I only ask because it keeps getting pointed out, so it’s obviously something that is supposed to be asked about.”
“Oh, this,” Nancy said, putting the magazine down now that her reading experience had been thoroughly ruined. “It’s one of those young woman’s magazines. The article I’m reading has to do with what men really want in the bedroom.”
“What men want in the bedroom?” Jacob asked, with a confused look that someone would write, much less read an article on such a simple topic. “We want sex. I thought that was obvious.”
Nancy rolled her eyes and smacked the gum that she was suddenly chewing because I think it makes her more annoying, and she’s annoying to me. “I meant sex. Obvs. It’s just like, they say bedroom because, like they can’t say sex on the cover or whatevs. It’s, like, a euphemism or whatevs.”
“Uh, what we want from sex?” Jacob said equally confused, despite the fact that I’d made Nancy sound considerably dumber than what she’d actually said, which was intelligible. “We want you to have a vagina and to let us stick our penis in it. That’s pretty much it.”
Nancy sighed and rolled her eyes in a way that annoyed me way more than it should have. “No, like special things, you know. Like, putting ice cubes in your mouth before a blow job, or Indian burns to the dick. You know, things to spice it up a little.”
“I’m pretty sure none of that is true.”
“Yeah. I think the writers of this article know a little more about what men want from sex than you do, okay?”
“I think they just hate men. Or, more likely, are making random shit up to fill a quota.”
“Breakfast is ready,” Rock said, setting two plates of bacon and eggs that looked surprisingly edible in front of Nancy and Jacob. After they’d eaten the meal of amazing deliciousness, Nancy stood up.
“Delicious meal, sweetie pie, cutie boo boo. But I have to be going. I’ll be back around five.”
“Okay, deary love nums,” Rock said, walking Nancy to the door and kissing her goodbye with a peck on the cheek. After she’d left, Rock stared at the door still beaming for a few seconds before making his way to join Jacob on the couch.
“That was pretty good. Where’d you learn to cook like that?” Jacob asked. “I didn’t think you could even turn on a stove.”
“I couldn’t, but Nancy taught me. She said I should learn to cook at least some basic stuff, so she taught me.”
“Jesus Christ, Rock, you’ve really gone full fag here, haven’t you?” Jacob said, probably choking back vomit from the lovey dovey display.
“What are you talking about?”
“You and Nancy. Now you two are moving in together, she’s making you cook and buy suits and shit. What happened to you not wanting a relationship? With you wanting to retain your independence, and ‘Rock don’t like being dragged down’ and all that other nonsense you’re constantly spewing?”
“Dude we aren’t in a relationship. We’re just moving in together because it makes economic sense. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with allowing a female acquaintance to smooth out a couple of my rough edges. But it’s not a relationship.”
“Rock, you’re changing to make her happy, you have pet names for each other, the two of you plan your days based around what the other is doing and you’re getting an apartment together. That’s the definition of a relationship.”
Rock shrugged. “So what dude? She makes me happy. I enjoy being around her. If that means we’re in a relationship, then fine, we’re in a relationship. Whatever.”
“What about your independence, huh? I thought you didn’t want a woman cramping your style.”
“Independence is overrated. You have to do everything by yourself. Look, I’m going to do what I want, and right now what I want to do is whatever Nancy wants me to do. Besides, what do you care, anyway?”
Jacob sighed. “I don’t know, man. I guess it’s just this whole thing with Lucy.”
“Hey, what’s going with that, anyway? I saw you two kissing last night. Are you two together?”
“No. I mean, it was just a kiss. It doesn’t mean anything. Truthfully, I only kissed her because I knew she liked me and I was drunk and knew she’d accept. I don’t really like her.”
“Really? That’s surprising. It’s just that you two have been hanging out a lot together and you seem to get along well enough. I thought you two were tight and all.”
“Well, we are,” Jacob said, composing himself. “I mean, I like her, obviously. I just don’t, you know, like her like her.”
Rock laughed. “Like her like her? What are you, in sixth grade?”
“Whatever. The point is I like being with her, but I’m just not attracted to her like that.”
“Why not?”
“What do you mean, why not? I’m just not, okay.”
Rock backed off and held his hands up. “Alright, dude, jeez. I thought you came here to talk it through, but if you don’t want to, I’m certainly not going to force the issue.”
“I’m sorry. I just don’t love her is all.”
“Love?” Rock laughed. “What’s love got to do with anything?”
Jacob looked confused. “What are you talking about? Love’s all there is.”
“No, dude. Sex is all there is.”
“You’re such a romantic, aren’t you?”
Rock shrugged and chuckled. “No, dude, I’m a realist. Look, let me ask you a question, alright? Do you want to bang Lucy?”
“Rock, don’t be sick, dude. I’ve known her since high school.”
“So what, dude? Do you want to bang her or not?”
“No, dude. Of course not.”
“Really?” Rock said, somehow seeming surprised by the fact that Jacob didn’t want to bang one of his closest friends and the daughter of the man who owned the company he worked for, since apparently in the world of Rock, everybody just runs around banging everybody, all the time. It’s like Europe or some shit. “Why not? I do.”
“I know you do. You’ve mentioned that. Multiple times.”
“Not multiple.”
“Besides, you have lower standards than a frat boy. You’ll bang anything with legs.”
“Not anything,” Rock said. “Well, yeah, anything.”
“But I’m different. I don’t just want sex. I want more. I want love. I want romance. I, unlike you, actually want a relationship.”
“Alright, dude,” Rock said nodding his head. “But let me ask you this. Do you want to bang her?”
“No, dude.”
“Why? Do you not find her attractive?”
“Yeah, she’s cute. But we’re friends, and she seems to me that she wants more than that, so I don’t know. It would just complicate things.”
“Alri
ght, alright. But let me shoot you a scenario,” said Rock, who was apparently a fucking psychologist now. “If you could have sex with her without any of the complications, would you? I mean, do you think she’s attractive enough to have a physical relationship with?”
“I don’t know. I can’t imagine a situation in which that would happen.”
“No, it wouldn’t in the real world, but this isn’t a real world. This is all hypothetical.” Rock surprised everyone by knowing that word and actually speaking eloquently for a change, before leaning forward like somebody about to say something. “So picture this. You have the opportunity to screw her, and nothing will happen. She won’t get pregnant, and she won’t remember. Would you do that?”
“Why wouldn’t she remember?”
“Doesn’t matter. Like she’s blackout drunk or something.”
“I don’t know. This sounds a little too rapey for my taste.”
“Fine. Then it’s dream sex or something. Whatever. Fuck you. The point is, you can have sex and only you will know. No strings, no complications. Do you do it?”
“I guess,” Jacob said. “She’s cute enough and everything. But that’s not the issue.”
“No, but let me riddle you this,” Rock said, back to his old dickbag self. “You enjoy being with her, right? Like, spending time with her?”
“Sure.”
“And you trust her, don’t you? You think she’s dependable and all, right?”
“Yeah, she’s like one of the smartest people I know.”
“So, if you like being with her, you can communicate and feel comfortable talking to her, and you want to have sex with her, then what’s holding you back?”
“I don’t know, dude. I don’t want a romantic relationship with her.”
Rock shrugged. “What more is there to a romantic relationship?”
“I don’t know. Love.”
“What is love?”
“Baby don’t hurt me.”
“No, seriously. I want to know what’s missing that’s holding you back from starting a relationship with her.”
Jacob sighed. “I mean, you can’t articulate it. It just is.”
“Uh, huh. That means it’s stupid,” Rock said, somehow suddenly becoming the voice of reason. “If you can’t define what you’re talking about, it means you’re thinking with your emotions and talking out your ass.”