by Lee Ellis
“I see. I wish I were married.”
“Really?”
“Well, yeah. It just seems kind of comforting to be able to come home at night or wake up in the morning, knowing that you have somebody there for you, don’t you think?”
“I suppose. Hey, are you going to the New Year’s Party this weekend?”
“Hmm. I don’t know. I don’t really have anyone to go with.”
“So? Neither do I. You should still go,” Jacob said. The two stared awkwardly at each other for a minute. “Anyway, I think there’ll be a lot of people alone there. You shouldn’t not go just because you’re afraid of being alone at midnight.”
“Why would I care about being alone at midnight?”
“Well, you know, because that’s when people kiss.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. It’s tradition, I guess.”
“That’s fucking stupid. If I wanted to kiss somebody, why would I have to wait until midnight to do it?”
“I mean, you don’t have to, but you’re supposed to kiss somebody at midnight.”
“Why? What if there’s nobody I want to kiss?”
“Then I guess you just find somebody and suck it up.”
Brenda still looked skeptical. “I don’t know. That sounds borderline rapey to me.”
“Look, you have to do it. Everyone does it.”
“No, they don’t. Nobody in the real world actually does this bullshit.”
“Well, no, but this isn’t the real world.”
“Fine,” Brenda sighed, defeatedly. “I’ll kiss some bloke at midnight if it will move this fucking plot along.”
Chapter 15- New Year’s Party. Definitely Not a Christmas Party, Mind You.
“So, Reginald, how do I look?” Jacob said, straightening his Christmas tie for the Christmas Party. It may have technically been a New Year’s Party, but if David was going to insist on calling it that, Jacob was at least going to wear Christmas colors. He practically had holly coming out of his ass.
“Well enough, sir. So, you really think you’re going to go through with it?”
“With what, Reginald? With kissing the girl of my dreams, who I’ve spent the last few months talking about incessantly? Is that what you’re referring to, Reginald?”
“It is, sir.”
“Well, then yes, Reginald, yes I do. Call me gay if you want, but I enjoy kissing beautiful women.”
“I know, sir. It’s just that the whole kissing her at the New Year’s Party, well, it just seems so…”
“What, Reginald? It seems so what?”
“Stupid, sir. I mean this whole thing, the whole kiss her at a party thing. It just seems so contrived and corny.”
“Well, of course it’s stupid, Reginald, but women love stupid shit. How else do you explain the popularity of purse dogs and diamonds? All romantic shit is stupid, and this is the most romantic thing I can think of.”
“By which you mean the stupidest, sir?”
“Right. Same thing.”
Reginald sighed. “I guess, sir. I just don’t like to see you stooping to this level. The whole plan seems so contrived and forced, almost like it was part of a book or something.”
“Yeah, a bad one,” Jacob added unnecessarily meanly. “You think I’m happy about this? This whole one critical night thing, one chance to lay it all on the table, it’s been done like a million times. It’s so formulaic, and yet apparently here I go.”
“I know, sir. It just seems like you should be able to come up with something better than this. Something at least a little bit creative.”
“You would think so, Reginald, but apparently not. Apparently I’m just taking a page out of every high school movie ever made and running with it. Creating some plan over some event that no reasonable person would give more than a second thought to, overplaying its significance in my head, and making it the central aspect of this chapter in my life. Cheesy enough for you?”
“I have to admit, sir, with all due respect, that this plan makes you sound like an idiot. How dumb would you have to be to think something like this is a good idea?”
“Very, Reginald. Very dumb.”
“Rock, what are you doing here?” Jacob said, taken by surprise not only that his unemployed friend was at the company New Year’s Party, but also apparently not only owned, but was also wearing a suit.
“Hey, Jacob. I’m here with Nancy,” Rock said. The two went to do their handshake, but stopped when they realized that doing it here would make them look like idiots. I mean, technically they looked like idiots whenever they did it, but here they actually cared if other people thought they were idiots. Is what I’m saying.
“Cool. How’s that going?”
“Oh, dude, it’s great. I’m so glad you talked to her for me,” Rock said, putting his arm around Jacob and talking into his ear, like a shady businessman, or a mob boss, or a shithead. “Ever since we decided to forget the relationship thing and just have fun, it’s been terrific.”
“That’s good, except I didn’t talk to her, she came up to me. Remember?”
“Tomato, tomato,” Rock said, using a long a in one and short a in the other, which I realized isn’t at all clear from reading it in print. “The point is that you, my friend, are a true friend. Not a fake friend, like those damn homeless people who act all friendly when they want you to give them a dollar, but then are nowhere to be found when you need them for kidney-harvesting purposes.”
“Yeah, I’ve had to take to tagging them for my liver harvesting business.”
Rock laughed. “Who would want a liver from a homeless person?”
“People I want dead. Nice suit, by the way.”
“Oh, thanks. It’s new actually. I just got it last weekend.”
“Really. What encouraged you to do that?”
“Nancy insisted on it,” Rock said, holding out his arms and proudly spinning around like a fucking ballerina or some shit. “She said I should have at least one suit, for occasions like this and job interviews and what not.”
“Hmm. I wasn’t aware you were looking for that serious a job.”
“Well, you know, I figured it’s about time to grow up and get something more serious. I actually have an interview next week for a job at a lumber store,” Rock said, straightening the sleeves on his shirt. “You know, spending so much time with Nancy and her friends, it’s kind of emasculating that they all have jobs and stuff and I don’t.”
“’Emasculating’? That isn’t a word I’d expect you to know. You are growing up,” Jacob said. Jacob and Rock looked at their feet, then around the room, and at each other in awkward silence. Grasping for a conversation topic, Jacob went back to the suit. “So, what encouraged you to go with gray?”
Rock shrugged. “No idea. Nancy actually picked it out. Suits look all the same to me.”
“Huh. Nancy’s really making a project out of you, isn’t she?”
Rock drew his head back with a look that can only be described as a combination of offense, confusion, and constipation. “What are you talking about? It’s not like we’re dating or anything, we’re just, you know, friends. Who fuck.”
“No, Rock, of course you aren’t. You are a strong, independent man who doesn’t get hampered down with relationships or emotions or shit.”
“Damn, right,” Rock said emphatically. The two reverted to looking around awkwardly, trying to think of a topic of conversation to break the silence, but this time it was Rock who jumped in. “So, we’re thinking of getting a place together.”
“Who? You and Nancy?”
“Yeah dude.”
“But you aren’t dating?”
“No, man.”
“Because it sure sounds like you two are dating.”
“Why? Just because we’re moving in together? Dude, a lot of people have roommates.”
“Of the opposite sex? That they’re sleeping with?”
“Yeah dude.”
Jacob nodded. “Yeah,
you’re right. Only we typically call them couples.”
“Whatever dude. I’m telling you, we’re just friends.”
“Who are sleeping together and thinking about moving in together. Gotcha.”
Their conversation was interrupted by Henry who showed up, being Henry. “What’s up, guys. I’m Henry.”
“I know who you are, Henry. What the fuck is with all the repeating of your name in that last sentence?”
“Uh, I was talking to him,” Henry said, looking a touch confused. “And I only mentioned my name once.”
“Oh.”
“I’m Rock,” said Rock, being Rock. Rock stuck out Rock’s hand to shake with Henry’s hand, which was attached to Henry.
“Nice to meet you. So, Jacob, what’s up?”
“Not much. Standing around, doing the party thing of finding the one person you know and standing around with them so you don’t feel awkward. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to ninety-five percent of the people here, and the other five percent are David.”
“Ugh. David,” Henry said, rolling his eyes.
“Let’s be really mean to him, persecute him and slander him behind his back. Let’s turn him into a laughingstock and mock him until he kills himself,” Rock said.
“Oh, so you’ve met David?” Henry asked.
“No. I just want to Michael Jackson him.”
Henry looked confused. “What’s that mean?”
“Oh, you don’t know what Michael Jacksoning is?” Jacob said excitedly. “It’s when you harass, use, and abuse someone you know. Like really run their name through the mud, and tear them down until they become a running joke. Then you wait until they either kill themselves or self-destruct and act all sad and mournful. We talk about what a great person they were, and how their death is such a tragedy, and act like we tried to prevent it instead of driving them to it. We make ourselves feel better about how compassionate we are while ignoring the fact that we made their lives a living hell while they were still alive.”
“Wow, that’s pretty brutal,” Henry said, all judgy and what not.
“Oh, it’s ever so much fun,” Jacob replied giddily.
“Hey, you remember that kid we did it to in high school. What was his name?” Rock reminisced.
“I don’t remember, but we got like a whole week off,” Jacob said, turning his attention to Henry. “It was sweet.”
“Man, you people are straight up evil,” Henry said, rolling his eyes uneasily like a pathetic little pussy asshole who’s too good and fancy to bully someone into committing suicide.
“Hey, come on now,” Rock said, suddenly serious and offended.
“Dude, Henry, not cool,” Jacob agreed.
“Yeah, you’re kind of an asshole, aren’t you?” Rock added.
“Wait, what?” It was Henry who was now speaking. “You guys are talking about bullying people into killing themselves, and you’re calling me an asshole?”
“They don’t always kill themselves,” said Rock. “Sometimes they just ruin their lives with drugs.”
“Or alcohol.”
“Alcohol is a drug,” Rock said, correctly. Huh. I’m surprised he knew that. “You have to pick something different.”
“Oh, okay. Or start having sex with random strangers.”
“Dude, don’t slut-shame. That’s not cool.”
“Fuck that. Don’t have a different dick in your mouth every night.”
“Fuck you. Suck as many dicks as you like. It’s your body and your life.”
“Yeah, and sexual promiscuity is a high risk behavior. Which is what I’m saying. You break them down with bullying, which leads to low self-esteem, which leads to drug or sex with strangers, hence ruining their lives with sex. Boom. Michael Jacksoning.”
“Looking for love in other people’s cocks? Wouldn’t that be more Miley Cyrusing?”
“Good point, but it’s the same thing.”
“No it isn’t.”
“Dude, yes it is. Low self-esteem leading to destructive decisions? The psychological mechanism’s the same.”
“Whatever. The point is that this douchebag shouldn’t start making fun of us or judging us in the middle of a perfectly nice conversation.”
“Alright, guys, look,” Henry said, defending himself. “I wasn’t making fun of you. I was just saying you were evil, that’s all. No judgment, just an opinion, alright?”
“Oh,” said Rock, relaxing quite a bit. “Well, why didn’t you just say so?”
“Yeah, I mean we can’t really argue with that,” Jacob added. “We are evil as shit.”
“Right. Well, anyway, I’m going to wonder off and try to find Olivia,” Henry said.
“Of course you are. I’ll talk to you later,” Jacob said. Henry turned and left, and as soon as he was out of earshot, Rock looked at Jacob.
“I don’t like that guy.”
“Yeah, I wonder what his liver’s like?”
“Huh?”
“Nothing. Oh look, there’s David, that kid I hate,” Jacob said, pointing at David.
“That tells me jack shit. That’s like saying, there’s David, he’s a person. Look, dude, I’m all for hating people for stupid reasons, but you have to at least let me know why.”
“Fine, there’s David the fucking twat who insisted that we have a New Year’s Party instead of a Christmas Party.”
“Wait, really?” Rock said. “So you actually have a reason this time. What, is he Jewish?”
“Atheist, so he’s basically the type of person who refused to guess on multiple choice tests.”
“What’s he care, then? Is he afraid the god he doesn’t believe will get angry and smite him?”
“No, I think he just likes to take meaningless stands to make himself feel important and noble without actually having to put forth the effort to effect a meaningful change.”
“Oh. So is that why you’re wearing all this Christmas stuff?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, because I was wondering about that. Since you’re usually so grinchy and all it seemed a bit weird. But now that I know you’re doing it to spite someone, it makes perfect sense.”
“Hey, guys. How are you?” David said, approaching them and inserting himself into a conversation that was based on mocking him, making things rather awkward.
“Good,” they both said in unison, looking at the floor, then around the room to avoid making eye contact with the target of their derision.
“That’s good. How are you liking the party?” David asked, not picking up that Jacob’s tie was an obvious affront to his war on Christmas and a direct insult to him personally, and probably the past few generations of his family. I mean, he was wearing a Christmas tie to a New Year’s Party. A Christmas tie, people! If that isn’t throwing the gauntlet down, well, I just don’t know what is.
“Good,” the two answered in unison, still avoiding eye contact with David. David stood around for a few more awkward moments.
“Well, I guess I’ll head back to Patricia now. It was nice seeing you.”
“Yeah, uh, nice seeing you too,” the two mumbled as David walked away. They looked at each other and watched him nervously to make sure he got out of earshot.
“Well, that was awkward,” Rock said, once they were convinced that David couldn’t hear them.
“I know. It’s always weird when the man you’ve been making fun of comes up and joins your conversation. Hating on him was the glue that was holding our conversation together.”
“Yeah. And he was really nice, too.”
“He was.”
“I almost feel bad for making fun of him now. It’s like he tore down that mythology of dickishness that we’d built up around him.”
“I know. If he hadn’t been so nice, we could still hate him and feel good about ourselves. Now he’s ruined that for us.”
“Yep. What a dick.”
“Seriously. The nerve of him, coming up to us in the middle of a conversation about how much
we hate him, and making us feel bad about it. What a tool.”
“I fucking hate that guy.”
“Me too.”
“Hey guys,” Lucy said as she tapped Jacob on the shoulder. Jacob turned, surprised to find not only Lucy, but Brenda standing there as well. I think he may have had a thing for Brenda. Not certain.
“Oh hey. What are you two up to?”
“Doing what people do at parties. Standing around and talking. You?”
“Oh. We were making fun of David.”
“Jacob, don’t be mean. It’s Christmas.”
“No, it’s New Year’s, thanks to David.”
“You know what I mean. Just stop being a dick.”
“Why? I hate that guy.”
“I know you do.”
“He ruined Christmas and a perfectly good conversation about hating him.”
“How’d he ruin that?”
“Came up to us and was really nice.”
“Uh-huh. Stop being a dick.”
“No.”
Lucy sighed and Brenda laughed, and Jacob turned his attention to his love interest. That would be Brenda, if you haven’t figured that out yet.
“So, Brenda,” Jacob said, looking her up and down in a way that should have creeped her out, but didn’t, so I’m just going to go ahead and assume there was something wrong with this girl. Partly due to her reaction, and partly because I like making unfair and harsh judgments about people based on minimal information.
“Yes, Jacob,” Brenda said, with a certain look in her eye that suggested something might actually happen tonight.
“So, do they have New Year’s in Australia?” Jacob asked.
“Excuse me?”
“I said, do they have New Year’s in Australia?” Jacob asked louder, since his volume was clearly the only thing wrong with that question.
“Um, yes, Jacob. We do have calendars and units of time in Australia, as well.”
“Oh. I knew that.”
“Sure you did.”
“I did. I just didn’t know if it was the same, you know?”
“No. It’s the same calendar.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Are you mentally slow?”