"Then why did you forget me when you left?"
"Because of her." He points at Meredith but continues looking at Kambry. "I couldn't stand to be around her if I was going to do any of those things...for you, but that doesn't mean I forgot you. Just because I had to grow up doesn't mean I care about you any less. I'll never forget you, Kam. You're my sister, my family."
He actually starts shedding a few tears. His jaw is setting into a lock. "Don't ever think I don't want those things for you. If you want to be wild then be wild, but not like this. You're going to ruin your reputation. You're going to regret this one day."
"It's not like that, Ben. We love each other. You act like I'm a prostitute."
He sneers, shaking his head. "Nah, this isn't love, Kambry. No real man wants the woman he loves plastered all over the place for men to gawk at and use as a spank bank. Real love is the thought of forever. Real love is preparing for the future. Real love is a man figuring out how to get you to marry him so that no other man can be given the chance to replace him. No man in love wants to share his girl with the world in the most intimate way there is. Love is selfless, not selfish. If he really loved you, he wouldn't have conned you into doing this to yourself."
I zone out, his words starting to set in my head, and hers. He glances at me, his face red and splotchy from the anger. "Would you? Be a man and take responsibility for what you've brought her into. Meredith filled me in on how this started. You pursued her. You know what they do to girls in this. And girls like her that need the money can't stop. It's nothing more than a legal and accepted form of a sex slave or prostitute. Am I wrong?"
I glance at Kambry. Things I haven't considered because of my blinded desire for her are coming to a head. "No."
"Don't say that," she whispers, tears still falling down her swollen face.
"It's true."
He cuts in again. "Are you going to marry her? Are you going to give her babies? Are you going to be able to support her in a way that doesn't involve your dick? If so, what would you tell your kids when someone finds out and brings that shit to school one day? It may not be an embarrassment now, but one day it will be...for her anyway. You'll get the status of a sex god and she will be labeled as a whore. Her value as a woman will cease and she'll be nothing more to people than a sex object. We live in a world that will always have double standards. It's fucked up but that's the way it is. Do you care, or have you not even thought about it? You chose this, while she chose you, and this was the circumstance to have you. You didn't give her another option. And that right there tells me you don't really love her."
"Maybe not at first, but I do now."
"Then do what's best for her. You're a grown man. She's still eighteen: maybe not for long but for a little while longer. The age gap is too wide right now. You'll be ready to settle down right about the time she should be enjoying her life. If she trades that in, it makes her running away from her entire life and what they wanted for her done in vain."
Kambry shoves at him. "Leave. Stop planting stuff in his head, Ben. You talk all of that smack but if you loved me you would want me to be happy. He makes me happy. That's why I'm here. I made this decision. It's on no one but myself."
He doesn't look at her. Meredith grabs his arm, trying to pull him toward where her car is parked. "Think about it...before you ruin everything. Everyone in my family will disown her."
He finally glances at her as he starts to leave. "I'll be at Meredith's until Monday afternoon. Then I have to fly back for Tuesday classes. Call me if you need me. We'll figure this out."
"Bye Ben," she says, and then runs up to give him a quick hug. I walk inside to give them a minute, and to clear my head from the shitstorm that just brewed. I don't stop until I make it to my room, quickly grabbing a pair of jeans and a shirt to change into.
The door sounds downstairs as I pull my sneakers on my feet. I grab my wallet and shove it into my back pocket, then pick up my keys. "Where are you going?"
I glance at the door where she's now standing. She crosses her arms over her chest. A worried expression appears on her face as she takes in my outfit. "Out."
"What do you mean out? Where? Do you want me to change?"
"I mean out, alone, to clear my head."
"Is this about that stuff Ben said? He was just being a dick."
"He's right, Kambry, about everything. I was just too blind to admit it until he pointed it all out."
She walks toward me, wrapping her arms around my waist. "Please don't do this. Don't shut me out. Talk to me. Isn’t that what you told me once?"
My chest hurts because I wish he were wrong, my ego is wounded because I don't want to let her go, and my brain is screaming at me to leave her alone, just like all of those times it kept telling me not to let this turn into anything.
I brush my thumb along her bottom lip. "Maybe we should use the film break to break from each other, and to take a few steps back from this."
"What? Why? You said you loved me. Why would you want to do something like that? Was it just a lie?"
"I do love you, Kambry, but sometimes that's not enough. I promised you I would always do what's best for you, even if that requires removing myself from the picture."
"That's not what's best for me, Saxton. You're what's best for me. We're a team remember. We do everything together."
"No. I'm not what's best for you. I would have been, had I met you years back. I was just fooling myself into thinking this would work. Heartbreak sent me over the edge. I made decisions that are costing me now. This is all I've got."
"Stop saying those things. This doesn't even sound like you. All we need is each other. That's it. The rest we just figure out as we go. That's how we've done it since we met."
"Oh, come on, Kambry. You know that's not true. You want different things. You said it yourself."
"What things?"
"University life, parties, college love. That's not me, Kambry, none of it. You're looking at a minimum of four years. I can't fucking start over. I can't give you all of that on a damn minimum wage job. Even if not for a while, at some point, money I've made runs out without something to replace it. My twenties are halfway over. Marriage and kids - I'm not saying that I'm ready for that. Maybe I don't need kids. You know, I never thought of any of that before when I agreed to do this. It was just something I did in anger and pain. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn't have anything to lose, because I had already lost it all. I didn't consider what consequences it would have on a family later down the road. I was convinced I was over that phase of my life until you came along. I wouldn't want my son or daughter to do this, and I shouldn't have brought you into it either."
A tear falls down her cheek, rewetting her barely dry face. "So you regret us?"
"I'll never regret you, Kambry. You're the girl that changed me. You're the girl that made me realize there is a difference in loving someone deeply and being submerged deeply in love with someone. That's why I think it's best if I let you go before I drown you."
"Don't do this. Please. I wouldn't want those things without you."
"I'll talk to Michael and see what options we have for breaking the second half of the contract. I can't do anything about this past month, but I doubt it'll harm anything. Most people will never see this. For the most part it'll be like it never happened. You can take the money and go to school, meet more people closer to your age, and get what you came here for."
“Saxton, stop.” She growls out angrily. “I don't want to pretend this never happened. I want you. I can't just turn you off.”
"I know. That's why I am."
She drops her hands from my waist. "What are you going to do instead?"
"What I'm taught to do - fuck, film, and forget. That's the life of a porn star."
"How could I forget? It's so easy for you."
"On the contrary. Things are never as they seem; not even sex. Fucking another woman after you will be the hardest thing I'll ever do,
but that's life. People do it all the time. Ben and Meredith know all about that apparently. I don't like it, but it's something I'm willing to sacrifice to give you the best life."
I kiss her on the forehead. "Don't wait up for me."
I walk out and leave her alone, slamming the door behind me. A bar is where I'm heading. An odd sense of Deja vu is consuming me; only this time, I'm hurting myself while the one that's good is standing on the other side of that door. Sometimes a man just needs to fucking cry, even if only on the inside. The best way to do that is to get lost in music and alcohol...
I stare out at the pool from behind my sunglasses. My face is still wet from the constant trail of tears that hasn't stopped since he walked out last night. I am still unsure how everything went so wrong. One second it's perfect and the next, utter and complete destruction. I've been lying in my bikini on this lounge chair with my ear buds in since I pried myself out of bed this morning. I didn't get much sleep anyway.
The calls started around midnight, when I realized he wasn't coming back. I called every fifteen minutes on the dot, worried. Each time it went straight to voicemail. I finally dozed off around three, but then woke up at four-thirty and went and crawled in his bed, hoping I'd hear him when he finally came home this morning, but when I woke up the house was still empty.
I stayed, because well, I had no other place to go. I didn't want to go home to face Ben and Meredith and the smile on Ben's face when I told him he got to Saxton, so here I sit, in this chair, cooking my skin. It's already pink across the top from the hours under the blazing sun.
Another tear runs down my face, as I listen to these damn lyrics for about the fortieth time. For the first time in my life I have a break up playlist. As if that matters, because for the last hour I've had one on repeat that I can't bring myself to change: Stilettos by Kelsea Ballerini. I found it through a key word search in my numb pity party state I was having when I first came out here. There is one line I can't get past: I wear my pain like stilettos. As bad as it may hurt, no you'll never know...
It reminds me of what Ben said yesterday - about me internalizing everything. I've never really noticed that I do, but I guess he's right. I've never been one to whine about my problems aloud. It doesn't solve anything to. Right now, though, for a little while, I'm that pathetic girl wallowing in my sorrow and living through the sad lyrics of a song.
I pull up my call log as the song ends and try to call him for the first time today. It doesn't ring. His voicemail comes on. "It's Saxton. You know what to do."
It beeps. "Hey, Sax. It's me. I just want to make sure you're okay. I'm a little worried. Call me, or at least text when you get this so I'll know. Please."
As I hang up a call comes through from an unsaved local cell phone number. I answer it. Maybe it's him. "Hello."
"Kambry, it's Michael."
Crap.
"Hey. I suppose this is about yesterday? I'm sor-"
"I just talked to Saxton."
"He called you?"
"Yeah. Can you come into the office? I'll send a car."
Interesting... So he's basically just ignoring me and no one else. That's more hurtful than him walking out.
"Okay. I'll get ready now."
"See you in a bit."
He disconnects the call, leaving a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I'm being sent to the principal's office. This should be awesome...
***
I knock on the opened door when I see Michael sitting at his desk hunched over a pile of papers. He looks up. "Kambry. Come in and have a seat."
I walk inside as he stands and rounds the desk, then shuts the door, before returning to my side of the desk and standing against it, facing me. "Am I in some kind of trouble?"
"Well, no, but this isn't exactly a congratulatory - you did an awesome job - meeting either."
"Is he coming back?"
I couldn't help myself. I had to ask. It's killing me.
"To the house? No."
"What does this mean?"
"He wants me to find a way out of the contract. That's what it means. That gets costly, pisses people off, and makes me look bad."
"I'm really sorry. I didn't know my brother was going to show up. This is such a mess. What can I do?"
"You each continue together, or you continue on separate projects under the same contract stipulations in accordance to all but co-star, place, and time. You'll have to sign the revised contract if you choose option two."
"What did he say?" My heart is beating fast.
"He's convinced I find a way to relieve you of your contract. He'll do whatever project I put him on. He's obviously lost his mind. This is a business. I have investors, budgets, higher ups to answer to, and since a continuation wouldn't be a short, simple project that doesn't require emotion, I can't force it, so what we are going to do is this: we will run the stuff we have over a few weeks releasing one segment at a time, as planned, and if the two of you choose to move on separately to finish out the terms of your contracts should we get a good response, we'll go forward on that with another couple kind of like a second season in reality television. Otherwise, you two get over this love hump you're having and continue if we decide to go forward. The only way completely out of this is if it totally bombs and we lose money, forcing the network to discontinue it. According to the terms in your contract it will then be null and void. What's it going to be?"
I breathe out, trying not to cry again. One issue arises and he's done. How can you say you love someone and then forget them within twenty-four hours? I didn't even do anything. He's obviously made up his mind. He doesn't want me anymore. He's moving on. He won't even answer my calls. That just means it will be awkward if we continue in force. Another line in that song repeats in my head: When you get burned you learn to be strong.
I need to build a life for myself. I need to go to school. School costs money and I'm already here. This is what I'm faced with. I made a decision and I need to follow through. This is growing up. Part of growing up is experience, mistakes, regret, love, heartache, and responsibility. He may let other people's opinions and words get to him, but I still have the same stance as I did before: a career doesn't define a person, character does. If someone wants to judge me for surviving on more than club tips then so be it.
I look up at him again. "I'll do a different project. The other is a burnt bridge that can't be crossed. Just tell me what to do."
"Very well then. I've cut cameras. You're free to get your things from the house in private. I'll call you sometime after we release the first segment, when I have a decision and the revised contract for you to sign should you need to. I'll let Saxton know as well. Just stay available."
"Meaning don't go out of town?" I cringe at myself. That was a stupid question. That trip is cancelled.
"Not until I know the schedule."
I stand and place my purse on my shoulder. "Okay. I'm really sorry."
"I saw what happened, Kambry. It isn't your fault. Things happen. It's called curveballs. You just have to learn to watch for them and adjust your swing when they're thrown. I'll be in touch."
I nod and walk out, able to hold it together until I reach the parking lot. Then I lose it, rushing to the nearest spot outside of the walking area as the tears pour down my face, before ridding of everything in my stomach, because the thought of having sex with another man physically makes me sick. In this moment, I feel like everything Ben accused me of: a sex slave and prostitute. Before, it was what I wanted. There was a method to the madness. There was a reason for the rhyme. I wanted him and I still do. I miss his smile and his jokes. I miss his personality. I miss his hard and his soft. I miss the closeness between us. I just miss him, and it's only been a day. When I told him I loved him I meant it. I've never cared what anyone else thought of me, of him, or of us, because we had each other. That's all that is supposed to matter.
Instead of helping me, Saxton's hurting me, whether he knows it or not.
In what seems like the shortest relationship in existence, I've experienced all of the emotions possible, including heartbreak. I didn't ask for the love but I embraced it. This heartache can go to hell. It's not welcome. It hurts. Now, I don't know where to go from here.
The cab pulls in the parking lot of the apartment complex located in the hills. My suitcase is in the trunk and my airline ticket is ready. I wasn't supposed to leave for New York until we officially left the house tomorrow with Kambry, but I need to get away from here for a little while. I've been drinking since I stormed out of the house yesterday in an attempt to calm my thoughts of her. It was failure at the highest degree.
Drinking and thinking don't often go together, hence me being here. I take a deep breath and hand the cabby a wad of cash. "Wait here and I'll double that when I get back, plus fare to get to the airport." When he nods, confirming, I exit the vehicle, allowing the alcohol to rush throughout my body.
I grab the cigarette from behind my ear - where I stuck it in my brazen decision to do this - and place it between my lips. I pull the lighter from my pocket and light it, taking a long drag to calm the fuck down. I've got to be one stupid fuck, but I'll never move forward otherwise.
I blow the smoke into the night air, and then start walking down the sidewalk toward the exterior stairs, climbing them slowly as I filter down this cigarette. When I get to the fourth floor, I pass the doors, reading the numbers in the center until I reach the one I'm searching for.
I spin, slamming my back against the wall beside the door to finish my smoke. My phone vibrates, but only once. I just turned it back on in the cab ride to check the voicemails, but I guess I forgot to turn it back off. I haven't listened to her messages, because I know if I hear her voice I'll cave and go running back like a fucking pussy. It took every last ounce of strength and willpower to walk out that door. I didn't want to, but I never considered the fact that I was bringing someone else down with me.
I seem to have forgotten my lifestyle isn't normal. Maybe because my parents stopped commenting about it when they realized it wasn't just going to go away. I guess it's an out of sight, out of mind thing. I really can't argue with anything he said. He put things in perspective for me. If someone had asked me to do this with the girl I love four years ago, I would have told them to fuck off.
Sex Sessions: Uncut (Camera Tales #1) Page 46