I've pulled her into a world she has no business being in, because Kambry is the girl you take home to Mama and the one you marry without a second thought. She's the girl you make the mother of your children. She's the girl your heart and soul captures and never lets go. And she's the girl you love forever, travel the world with, experience life with, and die within a heartbreak apart because you can't bear to live without her. She's unforgettable and she's rare. She sure as hell isn't a porn star.
I pull my phone from my pocket and look at the screen: a new voicemail, but not from Kambry this time. It's from Michael. Opening the mailbox, I put the phone to my ear, almost at the end of the only cigarette I brought. I feel like I need a box of them. It takes a second, but then it starts to play.
"Saxton, it's Michael. I laid out the terms for Kambry earlier today. If we go forward, it's you and her or you both and someone else. I'm not releasing her completely. I need revenue. This is what you both agreed to. She's who you wanted. I may be your friend, but I'm also your boss. I'm not willing to ruin my career because you started having a conscience. She agreed to go forward with someone else. What you need to decide is if you want to let her or get your shit together and go after her, because we're already getting a response from the trailer run online. Putting her with another porn star is like putting a lamb in a lion's den. I'm warning you. You're a little different than most. You aren't here for the same reasons most are. They will eat her alive."
He pauses. Son of a fucking bitch. I suck down the rest of my cigarette and toss the filter down, smearing it into the concrete with my shoe. "Remember what I told you. She could be your out once this is over. You've only proven me right since, and you've never cared what anyone else thought, so why now? You may be pissed until you come to your senses. Consider this a gift. I could see the look on her face today. All she wanted to know was what you wanted." He breathes. "I'm just going to say this and then it's on you, because I feel like I'm fucking rambling on a machine. I've been in a somewhat similar situation before. When you find a girl that can accept this kind of world if need be, you don't let her go, you marry her, because that shows strength, and also that in the midst of controversy and fire she'll never leave you. That's what I did at least. Anyway, you may not be much on country, but listen to this song: Don't Leave Her (If You Can't Let Her Go) by Chris Young. It may put things in perspective, because no smart man will pass her by. Talk soon."
The voicemail stops playing. Dammit, I'm so torn. I slide my phone in my pocket and rub my hands up and down my face. There's no question in wanting her. The fact is I don't want anyone else. I sure as hell don't want her with someone else, even if he's better than me, but for once I was really just trying to think of someone else first. Well, I guess I'll see how this goes and then I'll know.
I extend my arm and knock on the door with the exterior of my balled up fist. I wait, knowing it's late. No more than a few seconds pass and I hear footsteps across the floor. "Who is it?"
Chills run down my body. That voice is like nails on a chalkboard. It's funny how you can go so long without hearing something, but the second you do it's as if no time has lapsed. I turn to face the door so she can see me through the peephole. "It's Saxton."
Locks turning sound immediately, and then the door opens. She looks exactly the same, just a little aged, standing in her cotton shorts and tee shirt just like she used to wear to bed, her long black hair piled high on top of her head. She's still wearing makeup. I'm not sure I remember ever seeing her without it honestly. At one time I thought she was beautiful, but now, she's a little above average at best. A shocked expression resides on her face. "I never thought I'd see you again. How'd you find me?"
"Joel."
She nods and steps aside. "Come in."
I walk over the threshold into her apartment. Joel was my best friend from college, and the only one that had the decency to tell me when she was cheating on me. "You live alone?"
She shuts the door. "Yeah. After graduation I got a job at the news station as an intern. I've worked my way up to feature stories since then."
I place one hand in my jean pocket and the other behind my head, rubbing up and down in my hair uncomfortably. "So you stuck with journalism then?"
"Yeah. I've wanted it since I was a kid, but you knew that."
"You with anyone?" I hate myself for asking, because I really don't give a shit, but I think my ego just really wants to know.
"No. I haven't been with anyone serious since you. It just never felt the same." She passes me and sits down on the couch, pulling her legs up to rest her heels in front of her butt. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, because I am, but what are you doing here? You said some pretty nasty things to me the last time we spoke. Then you left, changed your phone number, and just kind of fell off the map. You left me, Saxton...after you proposed."
I walk toward her and sit down next to her. "Because you couldn't keep your fucking legs closed, Salem."
"I was a different person then. College is about figuring out who you are and making stupid decisions. I regret that now."
Okay hold up. My comfort zone just got warm. "About figuring out who you are? What the fuck is wrong with you? Normal people break up with the person they're with if they want to fuck someone else. It's called decency, not stupid decisions."
"Oh come on, Saxton. I was scared back then. You were so intense in the way you loved someone. It was like being the heroine in an epic love story, only this isn't an epic love story. It's the twenty-first century. People don't love that hard. We live in an age where people want what they can never completely obtain, so that's how I lived. I was scared to lose you. I was scared of getting hurt, so I kept you at arm's reach, and for three years it worked. It kept you mine. It got you to propose to me. When you left is when I realized that maybe I had a warped view on what I wanted, but then it was too late."
I stare at her, completely astounded. I'm sure a look of disgust is written all over my face. I finally remember exactly why I'm here: closure. I wanted to know why she did it. I wanted to know my worth to her back then, and I just got it. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For showing me what a horrible mistake I was about to make back then." I stand, unable to sit any longer. "You want to know why I fell off the map? I'm a porn star, Salem. You drove me to that. You made me realize that it didn't matter how big your dick was, how much you aimed to please, or how hard you loved someone, because in the end greed takes over. All a woman wants is more, never satisfied with what she has. She says she wants someone to love her and only her, but then the next attractive guy walks along and gives her attention, and then just like that, everything you've done to make her feel loved and important means nothing. For the past several years I've lived under that notion. I felt like I was inadequate somewhere because of you. You were always so smart until it came to relationships. I loved you with intensity because I loved you. It's simple. There are no formulas or theorems involved. When you love someone you treat them like royalty. That's how I was raised."
"I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back."
"But you can't. Life doesn't work that way. So many people live irresponsibly, when they should be living with the constant thought that they don't get a do-over. I loved you, Salem. When we were together you never had to question it, because I showed you. I loved you a lot; I did, and to some extent I always will. You were the first girl I ever really loved, but you prepped me for the real thing. That's why I'm here. I just wanted some answers, because without getting them I can't love her and give her what she deserves. And she deserves the fucking best, because when she loves, she doesn't love me like she may lose me, she loves me like she has another day with me, and that's the difference. I've hurt over what you did to me for a long time, but finally I understand that it was meant to happen, because you weren't the one I was supposed to be with. It makes me cherish her so much more, because I believe with everything in me she would never do to me what you did
. I guess it was nature's way of changing my course. One day I may be embarrassed for what I've been doing, but at the same time, it led me to her. Maybe that's what life is all about - following your arrow - because if you do you end up exactly where you're supposed to be."
Fuck...
I turn and walk toward the door. "Where are you going? You just got here."
I stop and look back at her as I grab the door handle. "To grovel. I'm going to beg her to look past my idiocy and we start back where we left off. I'm going to tell her that I can't live without her, because I don't want to, and I sure as hell don't want someone else to have her. By the way. Just a word of advice, Salem... Next time someone loves you for you, love him the way you want to be loved. I honestly hope you never experience what you put me through. I wouldn't wish that kind of betrayal on anyone. It's a mind fuck that can ruin your life. If he loves you, go hard or go home. Being faithful to someone is the only way to ensure you never lose them."
I walk out and rush down the stairs. I'm going to get her, and if she'll take me back, I'll do whatever I have to do to keep her...forever.
***
I bang on the door of Meredith and Kambry's apartment in repetition, never letting up. Finally, the door opens, Kambry's brother standing on the other side in his boxer-briefs, rubbing at his half open eyes as if he's trying to wake up. "What, dude? Fuck. It's late."
"I've had time to think. I need a word with you."
"Can't this wait until tomorrow? What time is it?"
"You barged into my house and had your chance, so shut up. I don't give a shit what time it is."
He breathes out and steps aside. "If you must. Come in, but keep your voice down."
I walk through an apartment door for the second time tonight, but this time pacing. He shuts the door and crosses his arms over his chest. "Well, what is so important?"
"I get it. Everything you were saying makes sense. I have a sister. Fuck, I don't want to see her screwing some guy. It's weird, but I can't change it. I was an asshole for bringing her into this. I'm okay with that. I understand that I'm putting her reputation on the line. I'll live with it. If you want to hate me then I can't blame you. You were right about every thing, but one thing."
"What's that?"
"I do love her. I love her with all that I am. From the second I laid eyes on her I knew she was different to me. She entranced me. I can't explain my actions except that I had to have her for myself. I saw an opportunity to make that known to the world and I took it. It was selfish. It was insecure. My subconscious knew it a little while before my heart, mind, and soul, but the second I realized she's the one for me, I've never had a problem showing it. I want her, and only her, in every way possible. If she wants marriage, I'll get down on one knee. If she wants babies, I'll give her a fucking houseful. If she wants me, I'll do whatever I have to do to provide for her, whether it be to finish school at twenty-five or to work at fucking Walmart making just enough to pay bills."
I stop pacing and look him in the eyes. "I need her. I can't promise I can always give her everything she wants, but I'll spend my life trying my best. I can't change anything in my life that has already happened, and I can't get us out of this contract, but I swear on my life I will never let anyone disrespect her in my presence or within earshot for this, and the second that this project is over I'll remove us both from this world, because I can't bring myself to be with another woman after being with her. She's not my first or my second, not even in the first ten, but I want her to be my last. You may not like me, but I'm asking you to trust me. I can be the best for her. I can love her better than anyone else, because I've experienced betrayal and heartache, and I'll never do any of those things to her. I'm in love with her. I'm not asking you to take my word, I'm asking you to give me a shot."
He stares at me for a moment, and then holds out his hand. "Make her happy and I'll have your back. She deserves happiness. She may not have had a hard life like some people, but she hasn't had an easy one either. It takes guts for a man to silence his ego and squander some of his testosterone to come here and say all that shit. Plus, you're going to need it for my fucked up family, because it's only a matter of time before my dad snaps. He can't handle losing control over his kids, and when he finds out about all of this... Good luck. We might as well all band together, because he's not going to approve of who either of us want to be with."
I shake his hand. "By the way. This isn't a, three strikes you're out, kind of thing. This is your shot. Nice guys don't always finish last. You hurt her I'll break every limb on your body one by one. Are we clear?"
I smirk. "I would expect nothing less."
"Awe! That is so sweet. A bro-mance is forming." I look toward the sarcastic voice I would recognize anywhere.
Meredith has her head pushed through the crack in her door. The dim sconce lighting in the foyer is enough to see throughout the entire apartment. "Why are you spying?"
"Because I'm not company appropriate."
"You don't strike me as a modest girl if I remember correctly," I say in a teasing tone.
Her eyes widen and then she mouths for me to shut up. "Well, I'm not, but Benny boo doesn't like to share, even in looks."
"Damn right. Why I stayed away..." He looks at me. "Are we done here, since she's now awake? I have better things I could be doing."
"Kambry in her room, right?"
"Actually no. If she were here she'd be awake by now with us talking. She left not long before dark... Something about needing to go somewhere special she can think openly without a crowd. Don't ask me what that means. She just asked to borrow Meredith's car. I didn't ask any questions because she kept crying and I felt like an asshole, but I'm just trying to look out for her. When we fell asleep she hadn't come home yet. Honestly, I kind of figured she was with you." He starts to look a little worried, then walks to her door and opens it, checking inside.
Somewhere she can think openly without a crowd...
As if the thought triggered the memory, it hits me. Would she go there alone? Does she even remember how to get there? Surely not at this time of night… Dammit. "Hey, I think I know where she may be. I'll let you know."
I run for the door, wasting no more time, panicked at the idea she would actually go somewhere by herself at night, but it's no one's fault but my own. I did this shit, and that's not a quick drive. I swear on my life if something happens to her I'll never forgive myself. That girl is everything to me...
I've been many places today, but none of them have been as peaceful as this one. When I left the studio I wanted something that would take away everything on my mind, so I went to a movie. I figured if I had something to occupy my eyes then I wouldn't think about him. It was also somewhere that would give me time to myself. I didn't want to keep sulking like I've done since he left. I don't want to be one of those girls that literally lets her life halt at the second she's dumped.
Instead of watching the movie I found myself watching the couple sitting a few rows in front of me. Something about him having her snuggled in his arm just held my attention. I realized that we never got those moments, not really. We never got to just exist as a couple in a world that was going on around us. It was all part of an act, even though the emotions were very much real.
When it was over I went home. I figured I needed to face Meredith and Ben at some point. That proved worse for me, because the two of them are sickening in their newly found reunion. I only got Meredith alone long enough to ask her if she had told Bryant what was going on. I was a little relieved when she said she called him and explained everything and that she wanted to see where this went for now. I know she made it clear on several occasions they weren't exclusive, but I still kind of feel bad for him. Every time I was around him I could see that it wasn't just a casual hookup for him. It may not have developed into love yet, but it was more than just lust.
At the point of listening to flirty giggles seep through the walls from the living room into my bed
room, I knew I couldn't stay there. I love my brother and Meredith, but I'm here because of Ben and his big mouth. It just seems so unfair. He came here to screw up my relationship yet he jumps into one almost instantly. It's too much for me. I just found out they had a thing like two seconds ago it seems, but also, it's not that easy to go from being around someone twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, to not seeing or speaking to them at all. It hurts. It feels like you've been abandoned.
The way I found my way back: remembering that day like it was yesterday. When I'm interested in something I have a photographic memory, and that was an amazing day for me, so with both hands on the wheel and the headlights beaming down on the pavement, I came back here.
It's a quiet night. It's peaceful and I love it here. Places like this are hidden gems in such a large, busy state. The sound of the waves slowly rolling into the shoreline has a calming effect. The beach shows its best qualities at night, and while I look out at the body of water caped in starlight, for a few moments at a time my mind is totally free. I feel brave. I feel like I can conquer the world, alone, because even though I'm completely in love with someone that has me on a pedestal, I know that I'm really just a runaway and an adopted west coast girl that's no different than anyone else. I just hope he sees it too.
I lean into my bent legs, my chest pressing against my thighs as I lay my chin between my kneecaps. I wiggle my toes into the sand again and rub my palms side-to-side beside my hips, creating a windshield wiper motion. "You trespassing now? What's next...sitting in the backseat of a cop car?"
My heart begins to race and my hands form fists in the sand. "Please don't be a hallucination," I whisper. I turn my upper body toward his hollering voice. "You talking to me now?" I yell as a smile begins to slowly form. He's standing on top of the slope at the beginning of the beach.
Sex Sessions: Uncut (Camera Tales #1) Page 47