Season Of Passion (1980)

by Steel, Danielle

I've seen people handle it well. You just can't lose your perspective. You can't let yourself forget what you really care about. And maybe you have to know too that it's nice while it lasts, but it's not everything. You're lucky, Kate. You have something real to go home to. You have Tygue, the house '

  You forgot something. She was looking very subdued.

  What did I forget?

  You forgot that I have you to come home to, Mr. Waterman- There's that too.

  Yes, there is. And don't you forget it either, Mrs. Harper.

  And she didn't. She thought about it at great length as she walked back to the hotel, still feeling the effects of the champagne. It was so easy to be intoxicated by one's own self-importance, by expensive meals in lavish restaurants, by adulation and attention and acclaim. She had to admit she was enjoying it, but it frightened her too. Suddenly, for the first time, she understood all that had tempted Tom. And especially Tom, because his life had been so simple before all that. It was impossible for him to resist all the glitter that came along. But was she much different now? Was she making more sense? She wasn't sure.

  She went back to the hotel to sleep off the wine, and was awakened by the hotel operator at four. She had left a wake-up message just in case she overslept She had to be at a radio station on the West Side at six. And this time, the taping was horrendous. The interviewer asked her all the wrong questions, and prodded interminably about how a woman knew so much about football; he was a pushy, aggressive sexist, and she hated every minute of the interview, but she told herself that the exposure would be good for the book. Her publisher had also promised her a car and driver to take her back to the hotel, but they never arrived after the show, and she found herself walking down some of the more dangerous streets of Manhattan, praying for a cab. It was nine by the time she got to the studio to meet Nick. He had had a hectic evening, and problems for the next day's show had already begun to crop up. It was ten-thirty before they got out for something to eat, and then, hot and bedraggled, they wound up at La Grenouille, where even the elegant fare no longer appealed to her. She was hot and tired and she wanted to go to bed. Instead, a photographer from Women's Wear Daily snapped her photograph on the way out, and she found herself almost snarling as the flash bulb went off in her face.

  Now, now, take it easy, Kate. It's all in a day's work. She sighed briefly and then smiled at him.

  I don't know. I'm beginning to think that running after Tygue and Bert wasn't so bad.

  I told you so, madam.

  They strolled up Fifth Avenue arm in arm, and Kate was exhausted when they fell into bed at one o'clock. She was almost as tired when she woke up the next day, and when he handed her a copy of Women's Wear her face puckered into an immediate frown. There was a photograph of them leaving the restaurant the night before, mention of who they were, mention of the book, and a catty remark about her dress.

  Christ, it was a hundred and four degrees and I'd been running my ass off all night. What do they want from me anyway?

  Nick laughed and shrugged as he sipped his coffee. This is the big time, baby. In New York, they don't pull any punches.

  Well, they can go to hell. And I don't like being in the papers. She looked decidedly nervous as she lit a cigarette. It was a lousy way to start the day.

  How do you know? Have you ever tried it? She only stared at him, saying nothing. What's the matter, baby? He sat down quietly on the bed and took her hand. It's just a little blurb in the paper. It's no big deal.

  I just hate that kind of thing. It's none of their goddamn business.

  But they're interested in you. You're new, you're intelligent, you're beautiful. Your book is a smash. This is all part of it

  I hate it She looked at Nick again and her eyes filled with tears. It was all going to start again. They were going to spoil everything. She wanted to go home.

  Hey ' come on, love ' it's nothing. He folded her into his arms, and then looked down at her. And if it bothers you that much to be in the papers, we'll be more careful. We'll go someplace quiet for lunch. He wrote down the name of a French restaurant on Fifty-third Street, where they wouldn't be noticed, gave her a last kiss, and left for a meeting with Jasper. But when they met for lunch, there was still a thread of fear woven into the tapestry of excitement She found herself looking around warily, and Nick, watched her closely.

  What's up?

  Nothing.

  Worrying about the paparazzi again?

  Yeah. Sort of.

  Well, don't. None of them would be seen dead here. And as far as Women's Wear is concerned, any. one who eats here isn't worth mentioning.

  Good. She looked relieved and took his hand. I just hate that stuff.

  Why? Why wouldn't she tell him? Didn't she trust him yet? Even now?

  It's such a violation. It's like rape. They tear your clothes off, stare at your body, and take what they want She looked mournful, and he laughed and leaned closer.

  Can I be first?

  Oh shut up.

  Well, stop worrying about it It's all part of the package. We all get used to it. I've been called everything from a male nymphomaniac to a faggot. So what? She grinned up at him.

  They called you that?

  Yup. Especially the former But he didn't say it with pride. Anyway, that was over now. He hadn't looked at another woman since he'd met Kate. Six weeks exactly, to the day. Hey, today is our anniversary.

  I know. Our sixth. She beamed up at him and forgot the papers. To hell with them. This was all that mattered now.

  They dined that night at 21 with Jasper and a well-known New York theatrical producer. And Kate watched them tape the show. It was nice getting to know Jasper better, and she didn't mind his knowing what was happening with Nick. He seemed to approve wholeheartedly and treated her like someone very special.

  The next day they all met for lunch in his suite at the Pierre, and that afternoon she and Nick went shopping for Tygue at F.A.O. Schwarz.

  Want to try out the boat?

  Now? She laughed at him as they left the store. It was the only thing they had carried. The rest they had sent back to the hotel. All kinds of cowboy equipment, a fabulous little bike, and Kate had had to fight Nick not to buy him a boy-sized log cabin. Nick wanted to buy it all. But she didn't want him doing that and he knew it. She had wanted to buy something for Tom too, but didn't know how to do it without Nick knowing. Now he was looking down at her, holding tightly to the elaborate remote-controlled boat. Tygue was going to use it on the lake.

  Listen, there is the most fabulous model-boat pond here in Central Park. All these old guys hang around there with models of windjammers and schooners. We'll be outclassed. But it's terrific.

  And it was. They spent two hours there, chatting with old men, watching the boats, smiling at the nannies passing by with large lace-laden English prams. New York gave one the impression that everyone was either terribly rich or terribly poor, and the people in between were banished somewhere else. To New Jersey perhaps. Or the Bronx.

  They walked slowly out of the park past the zoo, and Kate stopped for a moment at the pony rides. I wish Tygue were here. He'd love it.

  Maybe next time. He pulled her hand more tightly through his arm and thought of the boy, and then looked down at Kate again. Want a pony ride, Cinderella?

  Are you kidding? She burst into laughter. I'd break the cart. Or kill die horse. It was designed for very small children.

  Answer the question.

  Just what do you have in mind?

  You'll see. He strolled her out of the park and right to the hansom cabs lined up at Fifty-ninth Street. There, he paused for a moment, spoke to one of the top-hatted drivers, and then turned to hand her inside. This is a little more our speed. It was still blazingly hot, but she was almost used to the temperature now. And it was five o'clock as they strolled lazily through the park in the musty old carriage. People looked up and smiled, children waved. It was like living a fairy tale. Nick bought them both ice creams at a
red light farther into the park. It was an hour later when he had the driver deposit them at the hotel.

  I smell like the horse. She whispered it to him with a giggle as they walked sedately past the marble desk.

  I love it. He grinned at the smudge of ice cream on her chin. You're a mess. But he could hardly wait to close the door behind them. They spent an hour in bed, and then they both had to run. He had to do Jasper's show, and she was scheduled oh a rival talk show on another network.

  It went very well, as did one of the two radio shows she did the next day. The second one was a bomb where no one seemed to know who she was or why she was there. And there had been nothing more in the papers. She was enjoying the trip, despite the frantic pace, and she was amazed at how quickly one adjusted to the interviews and the cameras. She was much less nervous this time when she did Jasper's show. And she let Nick help her pick out a dress, a clinging pearl-gray Halston. It was the sexiest dress she had ever seen, yet it was ladylike too. It was perfect for her. Even Jasper was a little startled when she appeared. She was a very striking-looking girl. And her appearance on the show was the climax of her trip.

  So, Mr. Waterman, what's on the agenda for today?

  I don't know. Want to go to the beach? It might be nice to see some sand again. It was Saturday.

  Is there any around here? I thought they didn't approve of that sort of thing.

  Southhampton. He lay on his side and looked at the woman he loved, just as the phone rang. You get it. This is your room. Remember? He thought of everything.

  Hello? She expected it to be Licia, or maybe Jasper for Nick. Who else would call? But it wasn't. It was Tillie. He is? He did? What ' oh my God. Is he all right? She sat up very straight, and Nick's face puckered into a worried frown. Now? Why did they keep him there? Can't he come home? The one sided conversation was driving Nick nuts and he started asking questions, but she waved him back to silence. This afternoon? All right. I'll. see what I can do. She hung up with a frown, looked at Nick, and then at her lap with a sigh. Damn.

  What happened, for chrissake?

  Tygue fell off the gate at the Adams ranch and broke his arm. Tillie said he was just swinging on it with Joey, but he fell over backward. They thought he might have a concussion, so they kept him in the hospital overnight. She said she tried co call us last night, but we weren't home, and she was afraid to leave a message and scare me half to death. Godamnit. She got off the bed and stalked across the room.

  Poor little thing. Are they sure there's no concussion? And what kind of a hospital did Tillie take him to? Nick looked suddenly very worried and Kate smiled.

  He's in Santa Barbara and he's fine. He can go home this afternoon. All he has is a cast on his arm.

  Nick looked at his watch. If I put you on a plane in an hour, you could be there at noon California time, catch a plane to Santa Barbara ' hell, Kate, you could be there by two. He smiled helpfully and she sank into a chair.

  Yeah. I know.

  What's with you? Nick stared at her in confusion. You're going back, aren't you?

  I don't suppose I have much choice. But she looked as if she wanted one.

  What's that supposed to mean? It was the first time she had ever seen him look disagreeable. In fact, he looked shocked.

  It means that I know I should go, but I don't want to. I was having such a good time. And Tillie says he's fine, but I know that if I don't go back, I'll feel awful and hell hate me, and ' oh, Nick. I haven't done anything with my life in seven years and this has been so much fun.

  It's not his fault you locked yourself in a closet for all those years, for chrissake. You're his mother! He was actually shouting. It stunned her.

  Okay. I know that. But I'm me too. I'm Kate, not just Mom. I'm almost thirty years old, and I've been Mom nonstop for six years. Don't I have a right to more than that?

  Yes. but not at his expense, lady. Never at his expense. He was stalking the room now, furious. Let me tell you something, Kate. I've seen a lot of assholes come and go from where I sit. They screw up their lives, they fuck over their children, they cheat on their husbands, they break up their marriages, and you know why? Because they're so goddamn in love with themselves they can't see straight. They love the noise and the lights, the introductions and the applause, the cameras and the microphones, and you know what else? I can see you falling for that bullshit too. Well do yourself and Tygue and me a big favor, kiddo-don't There's nothing there. Fame is a nice place to visit, but that's it. And now, your kid broke his arm, and you're going home, and that's it. He leaned past her, grabbed the phone, and asked the hotel operator for TWA, but before he could finish his sentence, Kate's finger was on the button, disconnecting his call. He looked at her in astonishment. Her eyes were blazing, but when she spoke, her voice was soft.

  Don't ever do that again. When I want to call the airline, I'll do it. When I decide to go home, I'll let you know. And when I need your advice about my maternal responsibilities, I'll ask for it In the meantime, mister, keep your ideas and your threats and your righteous indignation to yourself. She stood up and walked across the room with her back to him. When she reached the window, she turned to look at him, and he had never seen such fury in a woman's face. I have given everything to that child for years. Everything I have, everything I am, everything I know how to give has been his. But it's my turn now. And I know better than anyone the price to be paid. I watched someone I loved grow cancerous with that bullshit fame trip. I know all about it, thank you. And I'm scared to death of it. But that doesn't mean I want to be buried alive either. I've done that to myself for years and I've had enough of it. I have a right to this. I have a right to my time with you, my career, my own life, and if I'm disappointed because I have to go back to reality now, then I have a right to that too. But don't you ever try to guilt-trip me out, and tell me what I owe that child. I know what I owe Tygue, and believe me, I've paid my dues. And don't you ever tell me what to do again. I've been there. I've tried that. I've relied on a man until there was no me left. I let him make all my decisions, and I loved it and I loved him, but it almost killed me when he wasn't there to do the telling anymore. So I grew up. I make my own decisions. And I like it that way. I love you, Nick, but you will never tell me when to go home. I'll make that decision. Is that perfectly clear? He nodded silently and she walked back across the room with her head bowed. She stopped when she stood right in front of him.

  I'm sorry if I said too much, Nick, but it's been a long hard road from there to here, and I've paid a hell of a price for everything I have. I don't know how to deal with anyone messing with that. I'm not even sure I know how to deal with someone helping me. And there's an awful lot happening to me right now. I need time to absorb it' maybe going home isn't such a bad idea after all. Her voice was deep and gruff as she ended the words and reached for the phone. She asked for the same airline Nick had asked for only a moment before. He said nothing now. He only listened as she made a reservation on the next flight. He stood up when she was through on the phone, and they both remained still for a moment, neither of them speaking, neither of them sure what to say, both of them shaken by what they had felt and said. It was Kate who spoke first I'm sorry, Nick.

  Don't be. I had no right' He pulled her gently into his arms and sighed. He wanted to do everything for her, because he knew that no one had for so long, but he knew she had to grow into this new life herself. He wanted to spare her the pain and the price, but he couldn't. He held her tight for a long moment and then swatted her behind and pulled away. You'd better go get ready, or you'll miss your flight

  No, I won't She was smiling now. A small, womanly smile, and it evoked a real smile from him.

  Listen, you '

  Oh shut up. She led him gently by the hand into the bedroom they had shared during their stay in New York and she pulled him onto the bed and began to laugh. Don't be so serious, Nick. The world hasn't come to an end. As a matter of fact, she felt as though it was just beginning. And
as he carefully pulled off her shirt, she reached out to him with a longing and hunger she could barely control. She pulled him down to her, her mouth and her body aching for his.

  Chapter 25

  Tillie, can you stay with Tygue for a few hours?

  Sure. I'll be over right away.

  Kate smiled as she hung up. Nick was coming back from New York. It had only been a week, but it felt more like years. Tygue's cast made his arm itch and he was constantly restless. She had been up to see Tom twice and he seemed in poor form too. He looked tired and gaunt, and she could see that he was losing weight. And he cried the second time when she left. Everyone was pulling at her. But it was no different than it had been before. Only she was different. The past week had been like a living reminder of what her life had been like before Nick. But now he was coming home. And she had two chapters of a new book to show him.

  Where are you going? Tygue looked worried as she pulled out the coral dress she had worn in New York.

  To meet Nick. I'm going to surprise him. And then she knew she shouldn't have said it, because he'd want to come too. The boy's face lit up like a firecracker on the Fourth of July.

  He's coming home? She nodded, with a smile. She felt the same way.

  Can I come? She paused for a long moment, and then sighed.

  Okay, tough guy. You win. Motherhood, Inc. And suddenly she wanted so much to be alone. But she knew Nick would be happy to see him. She called Tillie back and told Tygue to change his clothes. He could manage pretty well with the cast now.

  They were in the car half an hour later. Tygue had on his new cowboy boots and his favorite hat, and she felt pretty again in the coral dress. It felt nice to wear good clothes. She was sick of blue jeans and old shirts.

  They had three and a half hours to get to the airport, and they made it just in time. They ran to the gate just as Nick walked off the plane. Tygue shouted his name, and Kate stood there, breathless. It had been a mad dash through the building.

  Hey, Tiger! Nick looked at the boy in astonishment and then at his mother. It had been years since anyone had met him at a plane. He just stood there and beamed, with die child in his arms. But the hug he gave Kate told him what her surprise meant