Christmas on Crack

by ed. Carlton Mellick III

  “There you are,” said Rainey’s mother, Julette. She had a big box on her enormous lap.

  “Here, Rudy.” Rainey handed him a package about the size of a shoebox. She held one that matched.

  Everyone had presents in their hands.

  When Rudy had his gift, everyone tore into theirs. Paper and ribbons flew. Boxes were snapped open. It was a glorious gift frenzy, and Rudy was very glad to have set up the camcorders on either side of the room so he didn’t have to bother snapping shots of his frenetic family. He worked at his own gift—shredding the paper and prying open the tough box beneath. He pulled out the heavy thing inside and flicked off its tissue paper wrapping. He held up his present to get a good look, just as everyone else in the room was doing with theirs.

  It was cool in his hand. Like a stone.

  It was about the size of a football.

  It was a crab.

  Everyone was holding a fat stone crab in their confused, cold hands.

  “What the hell?” asked Skipp, looking around.

  “We all got crabs!” Staci exclaimed.

  “Rudy?” asked Rainey.

  Rudy turned the crab over in his hands. He looked up at the bedheads around him doing the same. “I didn’t do it. Who bought the crabs?”

  No one fessed up.

  Rainey’s dad, Hector, went for more coffee, hacking his way to the kitchen. He left his crab on the couch. Rainey went and checked on the ham and turkey in the oven.

  “Weird,” said Rudy’s mom, Lydia. She went for coffee

  too.

  “Well, they’re certainly ugly,” said her husband, Gerald.

  “Yeah,” everyone agreed.

  They all put the crabs down after a while.

  Rudy said, “Hey, kids, why don’t you each open another present?” He knew there was much more than crabs under the tree.

  Skipp reached for the box containing his swimsuit. Staci held either a hockey mask or that red crystal ball she’d been talking about for months.

  But when they opened them, inside there were gray

  stone crabs. Just like the ones everyone had opened before.

  “What’s going on?” Staci asked. She searched the inside of the box and found a slip of paper at the bottom. On it was written, Add water. “Did anyone see this?” She held up the paper.

  Everyone searched their boxes and found identical notes.

  “Open more,” said Rainey.

  They did.

  Everyone reached for a gift and tore it open. Everyone came up with more crabs.

  They piled them on the floor in the center of the room.

  “This is a joke,” said Rainey.

  Rudy was confused and growing angry. The coffee in his mug was cold. “Crabs?”

  The kids each opened another gift. Crabs.

  Panicked, everyone tore open more packages.

  No matter the size of the box, inside it was a stone crab. The biggest was football-sized, and the smallest was about the size of a pack of cigarettes. The pile on the floor grew.

  “What does this mean?” asked Lydia.

  “Everyone’s gettin’ crabs for Christmas,” said Skipp.

  “The Assholes!” yelled Rudy. He ran for the door, pulling on boots and a coat on his way out.

  “What?” the grandparents asked.

  “The neighbors,” Rainey explained, following her husband outside. She bumped into Staci’s friend Belinda, who was coming up the steps.

  “What’s up?” Belinda asked Staci, who came hopping out the door, putting on shoes.

  “Crabs.”

  “What?” Belinda followed.

  Skipp joined them as they trudged to the neighbor’s house, where Rudy was pounding on the door and yelling for Brian and Marissa to come outside. Rainey stood shivering beside her husband.

  They made it there just as Marissa opened the door.

  “What?” she demanded. She was wearing sunglasses and a black kimono.

  Brian appeared behind her, dressed exactly the same. Only his kimono was too short.

  “Crabs!” Rudy yelled.

  “What?” Brian shoved his way out the door, his kimono flapping in the wind and showing (hopefully) just how cold it was outside.

  “You switched all our gifts with a bunch of crabs!”

  “Look,” the Asshole began.

  “No, you look! I’m sick of you and your anti-Christmas campaign. You’ve been nothing but a Scrooge and Grinch since you moved in, and I will not stand for another moment of it. I don’t know what you’ve got against Christmas Cheer, but I demand my family’s gifts back. And you can come haul your pile of crabs home!” Rudy grew louder and louder.

  Doors opened up and down the street. People poked their heads out.

  Marissa came outside. She was holding a football-sized stone crab. “Is this what you’re talking about?”

  “Yes!” Rainey said. She reached for the crab.

  “Have it.” Marissa gave it to her. “We’ve got a pile of them too. Just unwrapped them. We were blaming each other until it degenerated into sex. Brian was about to put them in the tub and add water, like the notes say.”

  “What?” Rudy took the crab from his wife.

  “Yeah,” said Brian. “Every gift was replaced with a crab. I thought she did it. You thought we did it to you?” He snatched the crab from Rudy.

  Rudy said, “I, uh, well. I thought. Yeah. I thought you were messing with us.”

  “Well we weren’t. Come on, how and why would we do that?”

  Marissa snorted.

  “Rudy,” Rainey said, pulling on his arm.

  Martin and Brad from across the street came over.

  Brad said, “Are you guys talking about getting crabs?”

  “Yeah,” Rudy answered.

  Brian handed the crab to Martin.

  Martin showed it to Brad.

  Brad gave it back to Brian and said, “We got these too. About ten of ‘em.”

  From down the street, Mr. Jameson yelled, “Did you people get crabs for Christmas?”

  Martin and Brad headed over to his house.

  “Sorry,” Rudy said.

  “Whatever, Olen,” Brian answered. He went back inside his house, pulling the kimono over his butt cheeks. He said, “You’re the asshole.”

  Marissa agreed and sauntered inside behind her husband.

  Rudy and his family went home.

  The grandparents were cooking breakfast.

  “Well?” Gerald asked.

  “It wasn’t the neighbors,” answered Rudy. He sat on the couch. Even the smell of bacon wasn’t rousing him from the funk he was falling into. He stared at the pile of crabs.

  Belinda picked one up. “They’re really detailed. Look at those eye-stalks. And even though the claws and stuff are all smooshed up, they look real. These are cool. I wonder if I got crabs.”

  “You didn’t open your gifts, yet?” Rainey asked her.

  She shook her bald head. “Naw, my folks won’t even be awake ‘til noon. We’ll open gifts later.”

  “Breakfast!” Lydia called from the kitchen. She and Julette started putting plates of steaming food on the table.

  Rudy stayed on the couch, staring at the pile of crabs as everyone went to eat. Rainey came and sat beside him.

  “What the hell?” he asked her.

  “I don’t know, Pookie. But come eat some breakfast. You know, mom’s traditional squirrel cakes with marmalade.”

  “Yeah. Okay.” Rudy decided that no pile of crabs was going to ruin Christmas. Maybe after some food he’d be able to figure the whole thing out. He joined the table.

  Staci and Belinda were eating figs and oats at the kitchen bar. Rudy wondered if they had anything to do with the crabs. He watched them as he forked bacon and squirrel cakes. They did not watch him.

  “Rudy, what are your plans for today?” Rainey asked, brushing a strand of hair off her forehead.

  He looked around at everyone who was looking at him. “Well.
I. Well, there were things to do that were gifts. I had. There were clues. There were.. .you know, those crabs have kind of screwed things up.” He ate bacon.

  After a while Rudy said, “We’re going to make snowmen in the backyard, maybe have a snowball fight, make snow angels, and then drink hot chocolate. With rum. And eat cookies. Then we’re going to sing songs together, and roast chestnuts.”

  Everyone nodded and murmured agreement.

  “What about the crabs?” Skipp asked.

  His father answered, “We’ll deal with them later.”

  Outside they made magnificent snowmen. Staci and Belinda made a glorious snowwoman. Even the grandparents got in on the action.

  Rudy thought about the crabs, but wasn’t upset by them. He figured he’d get to the bottom of the mystery soon enough. He planned to search the house for the missing gifts. And even if they were never found, the big gift couldn’t be switched out for crab sculptures. The limo would arrive at six. That was in—he checked his watch— nine hours. A snowball hit him in the back of the head.

  Inside, over hot chocolate, everyone wondered about the crabs. Rudy poured extra rum in his drink. Rainey took her mug to the bath with her.

  “I think we should add water,” Staci said.

  Skipp and Belinda agreed. Hector coughed up something and swallowed it. Lydia made a face and tried to swallow her hot chocolate. Gerald wanted to add water to the crabs. So did Julette. Lydia agreed once she got the drink down.

  Rudy didn’t want to. He stared at the pile of crabs.

  The cat slid past the pile and hissed at it.

  Rudy said, “Let’s all relax for a minute, put on some Christmas music and chill out, okay? I have to check on something upstairs.”

  He went and checked his email. No word. Rudy played three games of solitaire, listened to some Sheila E., and went back downstairs. He slipped past the grandparents, who sat snacking in the living room. Hector snored loudly. Gerald was talking over him to the women about ham-radio operators who disappeared after hearing some strange sound. Lydia rolled pie crust and whistled Christmas tunes. Julette ate a cookie sandwich.

  Rudy slipped through the side door and found Skipp and Staci in the garage. Skipp was smoking.

  “What the hell, Skipp?” Rudy took the cigarette from him.

  “What, Dad? I smoke sometimes. Like when the grandparents are here. Or we all get crabs for Christmas.”

  “Yeah,” Staci said, “So do I.” She snatched at the cigarette.

  Rudy held it over his head. He said, “Well that’s bullshit, kids. You’re too young to smoke.” He took a drag and held it for a long time, finally letting a thick cloud of smoke crawl from his nostrils.

  He hit the button to open the garage and strolled out, smoking. Staci and Skipp watched their dad walk away.

  “Huh,” Staci said. She dug in her purse for another cigarette.

  Rudy walked across the street and down the path between two houses to the community park. He flipped the cigarette butt into the frozen fountain. He gazed at the houses across the skating pond, wondering how many families awoke to holiday adversity in the form of stone crabs. A few kids glided across the ice. Rudy thought he heard sleigh bells. He shook himself off, repeating his Merry Christmas Mantra out in the clean snowy air. Then he went home to get the celebrating back in swing.

  He walked in the front door to find everyone but Rainey gathered in the living room watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on cable. Hector was snoring. There were snacks piled on the coffee table.

  As Rudy closed the door, a deep boom shook the house. Everything rattled. The sound rumbled and passed.

  “What the hell was that?” Staci shouted.

  Car alarms went off outside.

  “Turn on the news,” Julette said. She stuffed a chocolate muffin in her mouth.

  Skipp changed the channel.

  ...me just repeat, this seems to be a global situation. Everyone got crabs for Christmas this morning. We don’t have many details, but similar stories are coming in from everywhere.

  He changed the channel to a local one.

  ...was actually the third in a series of explosions that are rocking the metro area. Police and emergency personnel are advising everyone to stay home, and stay indoors. There is little information to be gathered at this time. We have crews attempting to make it to the sites, but they have so far been turned away. We’ll bring you live coverage as it develops. Jennifer, back to you.

  Okay, thanks, Rachel. So, in case you’re just joining us, there have been explosions throughout the city. Police and other emergency personnel are responding to the situation. We are unsure if this is the work of terrorists, or if it is linked to the worldwide Christmas Crab phenomenon, or who is behind that.

  Skipp changed the channel.

  No one knows, Dianne. Did you get crabs? Sure you did. We all did. And how many of you have added water? Well, we’ve got a pool here, and about a hundred of those crabs that we gathered from audience members and our crew, and we’re going to—

  Staci asked, “What the hell, Dad?”

  “I don’t know, Stac.”

  The family watched the news. Car alarms still blared outside. Smoke billowed on the TV.

  Rudy said, “I’ll be right back.”

  He went upstairs to his bedroom and checked his email. There was a message from Andy.

  Olen, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you that you’re not getting that big bonus. Elise told me at the office Xmas party that she was the one who actually crunched all the numbers and lines for the Wilson and Wilson report. I believe her, too. She took me back to her place to go over her data and stuff. I sent the report to the Big Guys with her name on it. Sorry, Rudy. Guess you’ll be stickin around town for all that time off And you can kiss your promotion goodbye. I guess that means I’ll still be your boss when you get back. I’ve got to go meet Elise and give her the gift I picked up for her yesterday. She certainly deserves it, after all she’s done. Adios, pardner. —Andy.

  “What?!” Rudy read it again. “Fucking Elise? Fucking Elise? He’s fucking Elise!”

  “Rudy?” Rainey called from the bathtub.

  “Damnit,” he said. “Damnit. Fucking Elise. That lying bitch! That. That. That.”

  “Rudy?”

  Rudy panicked. How could he tell Rainey that he’d spent all the landscaping and pool money on half the cost of an around-the-world cruise that the family would not be taking? They wouldn’t let them on the ship if they didn’t have the money. Of course, he could write a check and hope it didn’t bounce until they were too far out to sea to do anything about it. They could at least get half a cruise.

  Maybe more if he stretched it out. And would the cruise line really kick the whole family off the ship? His huge Christmas surprise could not turn into another disaster. It had to work out. Had to.

  In his panic, he wrongfully decided it might be a good idea to slip into the bath with Rainey, maybe rub her shoulders or wash her hair and break the news to her gently. He would need her in on it if they were going to pull it off. Rudy thought she was probably worried about the booming sounds. He figured he could slip the bad news in with sexiness and the info about the explosions.

  Rudy unbuttoned his jeans and made his way to the bathroom. He tripped over his pants while trying to slip off his shoes and fell into a potted plant, which he knocked over on top of himself.

  “Rudy?”

  Wanting to somehow keep himself a surprise, Rudy didn’t answer her. He kicked at his pants, shaking potting soil around the room. His shoe flipped off and smacked into the wall. He accidentally righted the plant.

  “Rudy?” There were splashing sounds from the tub.

  Rudy twisted his pants off and hopped to his feet. He dropped his underwear and crept to the bathroom door, pulling at his left sock with his right toes as he slowly turned the knob.

  “Rudy?!” Rainey sounded frightened.

  He wiped sweat from his face, deciding to come
clean. “Yes. It’s me.”

  “Can you come in here?” she asked.

  “Uh. Yeah. I was gonna.” He opened the door.

  Rainey stood on the toilet, barely wrapped in a towel. There was a red and pink crab the size of a medium dog in the bathtub. It was snapping its pincers and skittering back and forth in the tub.

  “What the hell?” Rudy asked.

  The crab stopped skittering and leaned toward Rudy. It shuddered. It began to shake. A high-pitched squeal came from the tub, and the crab grew. Its eyestalks unfurled from atop the crab’s body. Its eyes opened. It stopped moving.

  “What is this?” Rudy said.

  The crab flexed its claws. It gathered its legs under itself, like it was going to jump.

  “Rudy!” Rainey shrieked. She held out her hands.

  Rudy grabbed them and pulled her toward him.

  The crab snapped a claw at Rainey as she flew past the tub. It caught her towel and shredded it as the couple tumbled out of the bathroom door, landing in a naked heap. The big crab sprang out of the tub and Rudy slammed the door shut with his foot.

  “What the fuck?!” he screamed.

  Rainey looked over at her husband. She said, “I took one of the crabs into the bath with me. You know, added water.”

  The crab charged the bathroom door, thudding against it in a clatter.

  Rudy jumped up. “Grab clothes!” Snatching up his own, he ran for the stairs yelling, “Don’t add water! Don’t add water!”

  Downstairs everyone was watching the news again. Rudy barreled into the room screaming, pulling on his pants and falling on his face. He got up to find no one looking at him.

  Staci said, “Don’t worry, Dad. No one’s adding water.” She pointed at the screen and Rudy heard what the newscaster was saying.

  Again, do NOT add water. The crabs come alive, and grow. They are eating people. Do NOT add water. We don’t know where they came from, or how this is happening, but keep the crabs away from water. Keep them out of the snow. Stay away from the ones that have come to life. We are being told that they grow quickly, to about the size of a typical loveseat. They are very dangerous. They are killing and eating people all over the world. We have reports of the crabs amassing and——hold on a moment please.