Good-bye, with Love

by Niquel

  She came around the corner waving eagerly as I joined her by the tree. She looked nice. The sun made her skin look golden, and she had on a white dress with purple flowers on it and sandals. She looked like an angel.

  “Hey, what’s going on? You look like you haven’t slept all night.”

  “I haven’t. Mickey please sit down.” There was a long log underneath the tree and I sat down beside her to give her the news.

  Johnny looked like crap and it bothered me. There were dark circles under his eyes, he had the start of a five o’clock shadow, and his hair was matted down on his head. I knew something bad had happened and my heart raced waiting to hear what he had to say.

  “So my uncle is in the hospital and he’s in critical condition.”

  “Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that!”

  “Mom and I have to leave in a few hours to stay with my grandpa in Florida. He’s in bad shape right now. He’s really hurt by this.”

  I choked on air trying to take in everything Johnny said. The thought of him leaving made me feel numb inside. I watched his lips move as he attempted to comfort me, but I wasn’t hearing anything he was saying. “Mickey did you hear me?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know! How could this happen? We just kissed yesterday and that was the best feeling in the world to me. I’ve never been so connected to another person like I am with you. This felt so right, and now I—just, can’t.” The warm tears burst out of my eyes and were completely unstoppable. He had them in his eyes too and that made it hurt twice as much.

  “I’m sorry Mickey. I never expected any of this.”

  “Okay, so will you be back in time for school?”

  “I hope so, but I’m going to Northbound High.”

  “Are you freaking kidding me? So not only are you leaving me for the rest of the summer, I won’t have time to see you when you get back anyway. This is crazy. I gave you a piece of my—” heart. Shut up Mickey. I couldn’t sit by him any more and walked around in a circle trying to gather my thoughts.

  From now on I can’t let myself get this close to anyone ever again.

  “I’m sorry, Mick. It sucks, but I wanted to say goodbye face to face. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t see you and let you know in person.” He walked toward me and wrapped his arms around me, and I lost it. I never expected to get this emotional over anyone, but I’d never let anyone get as close as I had with him.

  “I’m truly sorry. Please know that I didn’t mean to hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted.”

  “The last thing I wanted was to be away from you, so I guess we all lose. It stings because it could be over a year before I see you again. You’ve seen me at my worst and stuck by me through this sickness. No one else will be able to make me feel as safe as I did with you by my side. This sucks!”

  “Here, I want you to take this.”

  “What is it?”

  “The truth. Read it when you can.” I kissed her on the forehead and walked back to the front of the diner. I fought with myself not to turn around, but I did. “Would you like me to walk you home?”

  “For what? So it’ll be harder to say goodbye? No thank you. Saying it here gives me a little hope that it’s not really goodbye, just see you later.” She ran her hands through her hair and cried by the tree.

  I’ll miss you, Mickey.

  I walked away from the only girl I’d ever loved. The thought of never seeing her again hurt like heck.

  Dear Mickey,

  I stayed up all night last night, trying to think of an easy way to tell you I had to leave, but I couldn’t. I’ve never let someone in like this and I don’t regret doing it with you. I promise you—I didn’t know this was happening.

  I’d never play games with you like that. I’d never say I care about you if I didn’t mean it. I’d never spend all this time with you, just to bail on you. I know you probably hate me right now because of what happened at the farm, but that kiss we shared changed my life too. I’ll always remember that my first real kiss was with you, no matter what happens after this.

  I can’t promise you that I’ll be able to talk to you every day while I’m gone because my grandpa lives in the middle of the woods and I know he doesn’t have much signal there. But, I’ll figure something out to let you know I’m alive.

  This is only temporary, Mickey. When I get back it’ll be like I never left, okay? Don’t lose hope and I promise I won’t either. I love you Mickey Dawson. You’re the first girl I’ve ever admitted that to and I bet you’ll be the last.

  We will be together again.

  Good-bye, with love,

  John

  Age: Thirteen

  Diary Entry: Life sucks. Life is cruel.

  Dear Diary,

  Why is it that every time I have something good going for me it gets taken away? I was healthy without any issues at all and then boom—cancer. I found a guy willing to spend time with me because he wanted to, then I fall for him and boom—he’s gone. I feel horrible about his uncle, but what about me? How am I supposed to go on? What if he gets down there and only sends me one pity letter, falls for some hot girl there, and completely forgets about me? I don’t think my heart can take this kind of pain, not from Johnny.

  I feel like all the air is being pushed out of my lungs and now I’m stuck gasping for air, wanting him to come back.

  I love you too Johnny, I just wish I’d said it sooner. Please don’t forget about me.

  Sad, lonely Mickey

  “Mickey, you’ve got to come out of there sometime, honey.”

  “No!” Mom burst through my door and shut it behind her.

  “Michelle, what is it? I know something bad happened between you and Johnny. I haven’t seen him in weeks and I’ve never seen you this upset before. Please tell me what’s going on honey. You can’t keep all these emotions bottled up inside. There’s only two weeks of summer left and I don’t want you to spend them cooped up in this room.”

  “I don’t want to move, Mom. I didn’t think my heart could hurt like this. I didn’t think I’d feel heartache until I was much older.”

  “Honey, heartbreak has no age limit or requirement. It always hits when you least expect it. It doesn’t choose when to strike, it just happens, and most of the time you’re not prepared for it.”

  “It sucks, Mom.”

  “I know, but I know you and I know Johnny. That boy is your soul mate. He’ll come back to you and when he does, don’t be spiteful. Let him back into your heart. He didn’t do this on purpose, I’m sure.”

  The first few weeks he was gone hurt a lot, but the more time passed and with my mom’s help, it got a little easier. I missed him like crazy and occasionally he would go to a local coffee shop and text me on their wifi, but it didn’t feel the same. We mainly checked in to let each other know we were alive, but we never talked about anything else. I knew it hurt him just as bad as it hurt me.

  “Michelle, you start school soon and we need to get you some new clothes. Retail therapy always cheers you up. Meet me in the van in ten minutes.”

  I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. What I saw in the mirror was gross and I didn’t care. My hair had gotten longer, but it was greasy and a complete mess. My eyes were puffy and swollen and dry tears were all over my face. I grabbed a face wipe and tried to scrub the life back into my skin.

  I grabbed some dry shampoo and brushed it through my hair before tossing it back up into a messy bun. Mom’s foundation was in the medicine cabinet, so I grabbed a little and dabbed it under my eyes so I wouldn’t look like complete crap at the mall. I was sure my other friends from middle school would be there along with new people from my new school that I hadn’t met yet.

  Mom’s horn was beeping rapidly and annoying the crap out of me. I’ll be down in a minute Mom, goodness.

  After tossing my pink and black sweat suit on, I joined Mom in the van. “I’m here!”

  “Good, now let’s develop a new style for this y
ear!”

  As soon as I stepped foot on the escalator I could hear her voice. Sarah. I had avoided her like the plague after Johnny left because I knew she was going to confront me once she saw me. I knew at some point I’d have to explain myself; better now than never.

  “Mom, I’ll meet you inside.”

  “Okay, I’ll start looking for clothes for you.”

  Sarah walked toward me with her shoulders raised and her hands turned up. “Where have you been? And why do you look so depressing?”

  “Johnny.” That was the only thing I could say before I felt the tears sting the corners of my eyes.

  “Did he leave?” She paused, looking around me. “I’m so sorry. All you had to do was tell me and I would have been by your side!” She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tightly.

  “I’ve never been through anything like this before, so I don’t know how to handle it, you know?”

  “Aw, he was your first love, huh? They’re always the ones that take a while to get over. Remember Jason David from sixth grade? I was head over heels, but I got over him. It’ll be okay.”

  This is not the same thing. That was puppy love. This is real. “We can’t compare those two. Johnny is different, and he didn’t mean to cause this.”

  “I know. Tell me exactly what happened.”

  Once she heard the full story she started to feel bad for me. “Mickey, he’ll be back! Don’t you worry about it. Let’s go shopping; it’ll help you forget for a little while.”

  We walked out of the store with bags and bags of clothes and hair accessories. I decided I was going to drop the crocheted hats and wear headbands and hair clips instead. I wanted to be the girl healing from cancer, not the girl losing herself because of it.

  Mom wanted to check out some purse store so Sarah and I walked around the mall for a little to pick up some new body splash from the Heavenly Scents store. “This ‘Coconutty Dream’ smells so good, Mick. You should try it, it screams you.”

  She was right, it smelled so good, light and sweet. I grabbed a basket full of it. While we were waiting to be checked out, Sarah saw a few cute guys at the sports store across the hall and begged me to go over there with her.

  “Here you go girls,” the cashier said. “You each get a complimentary bottle of bubble gum pop hand lotion and a ten dollar gift certificate toward your next purchase.”

  “Sweet, thank you.”

  “Come on, Mickey, let’s go meet those guys. You need someone to distract you from”—she looked me up and down—“this.”

  As we walked out of the store, my palms started sweating against the plastic of the bag I was holding. Why am I so nervous? They’re just boys—cute boys.

  Sarah tapped both of them on their shoulders. “Hey guys, how goes it? My name’s Sarah.”

  “Hey, Sarah, I’m George, and this here is my brother Gordon,” the blond one said.

  Gordon wouldn’t take his eyes off of me and it was weird. The last person to look at me like that had been Johnny. He was tall with dark brown hair styled away from his face, blue eyes, and stubble over his lip. The only thing that separated him from his brother was the color of their hair.

  “Hi, I’m Mickey!” I extended my hand out toward Gordon and he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it. Whoa, I was not expecting that. Where did that even come from?

  Sarah must have been reading my mind because she looked at me with her mouth falling open.

  After talking to the guys for what seemed like forever, we all exchanged numbers before I went to meet my mom in the food court.

  “You look happy. What happened?”

  “You were right, Mom. It was a great idea to come here.”

  I couldn’t find the courage to talk to Mickey. Between doing chores at Grandpa’s house, visiting my uncle in the hospital, and keeping Mom from breaking down, I couldn’t do it—it hurt too much. The thought of hearing the sadness in her voice stung. The look on her face when I told her I was leaving still haunted me and I didn’t want to put myself or her though any more pain. I snuck out to the coffee shop a few times to say hi, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else.

  Uncle John wasn’t doing well at all. He was basically a vegetable. Mom and Grandpa started making his funeral arrangements before they decided to pull the plug on him. I overheard Grandpa decide he was going into a home because he couldn’t handle being all alone in the house he’d built for my grandmother, who had passed away years before. There was no one there to help him maintain it so he figured it would be best to get rid of it.

  Between that and Mickey, I couldn’t deal with any more bad news.

  I let my legs hang over the end of the wooden porch and looked at the pine trees surrounding the old ranch-style house.

  “JJ, are you okay? I called you in for dinner over an hour ago.”

  “Mom, when can we go back to Massachusetts? I don’t want to be here any more, it’s depressing.”

  “I know. Once Uncle John is laid to rest, Grandpa is going into a home, and we’re free to leave. He doesn’t want us to give up our life up there. Besides, you start school soon and I can’t have you miss your first day.”

  Great, I forgot all about that. New school, no Mickey. Maybe it was for the best. I wouldn’t have to hurt her again if I was at a different school. It would be like I disappeared off the face of the earth. I’ll face her when I’m ready, but that won’t be any time soon.

  I sat at grandpa’s desk most of the night thinking. I had promised to send her a letter and I couldn’t break that promise. I owed her that much. It sucked not to hear her voice or be near her, but at least she’d get my letter.

  I grabbed a sheet of paper and let everything that was on my mind come out, and then I crumpled it up in my hand and tossed it in the trash. I can’t do this.

  I felt a tear slip from my eye onto the hand-carved wooden desk and I ran to my bedroom. I need to sleep this off before I do something I regret.

  The more I talked with Gordon, the less I thought about Johnny. I knew he could never replace him, but it was nice to hang out with a genuinely nice guy that I had no feelings toward.

  We were going to meet up and hang out for pizza at Preston’s Pizza Palace with his brother and Sarah. We all kind of clicked and bonded with each other. It was nice. Sarah and I usually didn’t have the same taste in guys, but this situation was unique, since they both had the same face.

  “Hey Mickey, what’s your favorite kind of pizza?” George asked.

  “Pepper—”

  “And mine is sausage,” Sarah chimed in before I could answer.

  “Guess I’ll be getting half and half, Gordon and I are the same way.”

  We all finished our pizza and then split up so we could have time away from each other. George and Sarah went for a walk by the water fountain on the first floor and Gordon and I decided to take a walk on the second floor.

  “Hey Mickey, let’s go to that Luv N’ Stuff store. I figured we could have something to remember our first date.”

  Did he really just say date? Was this a date to him? I thought we were all just friends hanging out. I mean of course it was nice to have space from the others, but I wouldn’t call this a date.

  “Okay, sure?”

  “It’ll be fun!” He grabbed my hand and led me to the corner wing of the mall. The store was right beside an adopt-a-pet store.

  We both chose matching friendship bears. His was blue and mine was purple. There was a guy that pumped the empty shells full of cotton and then sewed up the back after we both made a wish on a star and slipped it in the back of them.

  They didn’t have many accessories, but I found a blue headband to put on my bear’s head and he slid a football helmet with purple writing over his. “This was fun, Mickey. I think we should go and catch up with the others.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “So what school are you guys going to?” Sarah questioned.

  George answered, “We’re going to Nort
heast High.”

  Sarah slapped George on the chest. “Really? That’s where we’re going. It’s good to know we’ll have some other friends there besides each other.”

  “Sweet,” Gordon said.

  Age: Thirteen

  Diary Entry: Concert

  Dear Diary,

  Since Johnny is no longer in my life, I took Sarah with me to the Nearly Empty concert last night and had the best time. The lead singer Brad was so dreamy. He was covered in tattoos, and his light brown hair was cut to his ears and flew in his face every time he sang a note. He wore a tight shirt with no sleeves and leather pants. Sarah had a crush on Jonah the drummer. He had long dark hair, was also covered in tattoos, and wore a leather vest with no shirt underneath. They also had a female singer and base player, the twins Nicky and Shannon. They both had long dark hair, they had the perfect shape, and both wore all black. The only difference was that Nicky dyed a blonde streak in the front of her hair and had a nose piercing.

  Every song that they sang last night, I could feel it. I cried halfway through the performance and I regret nothing. Mom gave me some extra cash so I could buy a t-shirt and a couple other things to bring home. It was definitely the best night of my life! I wish I could thank Johnny for it, but I can’t. Oh well.

  Mickey

  P.S. I start my new school in a few days and I can’t wait!

  It was the first day of school and I was so excited. Sarah, Gordon, and George agreed to meet me in the front lobby of the high school. “My girl is turning fourteen soon and starting her first year of high school. Where has the time gone?” Dad said.

  “Stop it, Dad. You’re going to make me cry.”

  I took a deep breath and ran my hands over my gray and white cardigan. I snagged my backpack from the floor and shut the door to dad’s car. Before I turned to walk away, I went back inside and gave my dad a kiss on the cheek. “Bye Dad.”