Good-bye, with Love

by Niquel

  “I am. For the first time in a long time, I feel really good about life.”

  “Good.”

  Ramous and I both won our games that night and met at the salad bar for a celebratory dinner.

  “Man the Indians were tough tonight. If Carl didn’t kick that last minute field goal we would have lost for sure.”

  “Well it’s a good thing you didn’t. The Woodchucks didn’t stand a chance against us tonight. We were on fire. I hit two homers tonight, the first time I’ve ever gotten two in the same game.”

  “That’s awesome, Mickey!” He licked his thick lips and pressed them against mine. I pulled back, stunned. “Sorry, was that too soon?”

  I grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him back. “No, you just caught me off guard.” I smirked. When our lips connected, I felt weird. My body heated when I grabbed the back of his neck and I felt my nipples rub up against my bra.

  I looked deep in his hazel eyes and I could feel something indescribable. It could have been the hormones from our victory, but I was pretty sure it was something else.

  Age: Sixteen

  Diary Entry: Ready

  Dear Diary,

  No one knows about this, but I think I might be ready to give myself to Ramous. I don’t know what it is, but every time I’m around him my body feels weird. And not weird as in butterflies, it’s something else. I feel like I’m always aroused when he’s near me. I’m not sure if this is normal, but I think I’m ready to take the next step with him. I think I’m ready to have sex.

  He’s never pressured me or even asked, but it’s just something I want to do with him and only him. I think I’ll go over his house tomorrow while his parents are at work and do it. Sarah told me the first time she did it, it hurt a lot, but I don’t care, I’m ready. It can’t hurt worse than the cancer I went through a few years ago, right?

  I’ll write another entry after it’s done. Wish me luck! I hope he has protection because Mom would kill me if she found them in my room or knew I got them. Besides, I figure that’s something guys just have. Guess I’ll find out.

  Mickey, the soon to be ex-virgin . . .

  When I met with Ramous this morning I asked if I could come over his house after school. He didn’t question why, just agreed. I didn’t think he suspected anything.

  He told me that he lived about a ten-minute walk from the school and it was very cold, colder than usual for a late March afternoon. He gave me his black scarf to keep me warm on the walk over. There were a bunch of trees surrounding the nice house on the corner of the street. He opened the white picket fence and we went through the golden front door. I heard a dog barking from the other side of the room and he yelled, “Hush Jax! Sorry, he always gets excited when I get home.”

  “Aww, that’s so cute. Can I meet him?”

  “Sure, let me take your things and put them in the closet.”

  I handed him my bag, jacket, hat, and his scarf back. I rubbed my hands together to warm them up. He led me into a small room with a wooden gate in front of it. Jax was adorable. He was a small Dalmatian puppy that was so excited to see us. Ramous bent over the fence and picked him up so I could pet him. He had a black spot over his right eye and it was the cutest thing. He licked me on the cheek.

  Ramous put him back down and gave him some food and water. “Would you like anything?”

  “No thank you. So are you going to show me around?”

  “Sure, but there isn’t anything much to show.”

  After a quick tour of the first floor we finally went upstairs. My stomach was in knots when he showed me his room. It was full of computers that were taken apart, a bed, a flat screen, and a PS4. “Why do you have so many computers?”

  “I fix them. It’s an old hobby of mine.”

  “That’s so cool. I don’t have any fun hobbies like that.”

  “I’m sure there’s something you like to do.”

  “I crochet. Pretty lame, right?”

  “No. Not at all! I’d love for you to make me something when you get around to it.”

  I sat down on his bed and it was surprisingly comfortable. He had a blue comforter draped over his bed and some huge body pillows on top. He closed the door and walked over to me, joining me on the bed. “So.”

  Here goes nothing.

  I turned toward him and looked him in the eye. Before I had a chance to react, he started kissing me. I lay back on the bed and he climbed on top of me with his knees resting on either side. “Mickey, are you sure you want this?”

  I looked down at his pants and saw his erection pressing against his jeans. I started panting. It was hard to catch my breath. “Yes,” I muttered.

  He took his shirt off and then started kissing the side of my neck, and then he slowly ran his hands all over my body.

  “Wait, do you have protection?”

  He opened the nightstand next to his bed and showed me an unopened box of condoms. “Yes.”

  “This is my first time.”

  “It’s mine too. My older brother gave me these.”

  I’m ready.

  There was a girl in my biology class named Lena that I knew Shawn was secretly in love with. She wouldn’t give him the time of day, but she’d been flirting with me ever since last year. She had short dark hair, a nose ring, and always wore all black. She had a mysterious factor to her and it piqued my interest. Shawn has been pissing me off for months, trying to sleep with girls I told him I was attracted to, and now it was time for payback.

  Mom was out of town on a business trip and I invited Lena over my house. It was do or die.

  I had no idea what I was doing, but I watched some porn online to get an idea of what I should be doing. I just hoped I could last more than five seconds—and I did.

  “John are you serious, bro?”

  “What the hell is your problem?”

  “You slept with Lena? Fucking Lena? Of all girls? You know how much she meant to me man!”

  “So? That never mattered to you now did it? What about Molly? You couldn’t give two shits about how I felt about her, so screw you.”

  Shawn pushed up me up against the locker and a few people ran over cheering him on. “Kick his ass, Shawn!”

  “Shawn, you’d better stop. I don’t want to have to hurt you.”

  Shawn ignored me and threw the first punch anyway, connecting with my jaw and I blacked out. Every single fight I’d ever gotten into, I’d blacked out and severely hurt the person who attacked me.

  When it was all over and I snapped back to reality, the school police were pulling me off the top of Shawn’s bloodied body. “I told you not to start with me!”

  I was dragged into the school police office and Shawn was taken to the nurse. “Mr. Gates, would you mind telling me how this happened? I’ve never had a problem with you before.”

  “Officer, Shawn was pissed at me over something and shoved me up against the locker. I told him to stop and then he hit me in the jaw and I blacked out. That’s all I remember.”

  “Well you beat him up pretty badly. There are two things that could happen. I could expel the both of you, or you can transfer to another school.”

  “Those are seriously my only two options?”

  “Yes, there is a pool of blood in the middle of my hallway. You’re considered a threat even if Mr. Mendes started the altercation.”

  “But why does he get to stay?”

  “Because those are the only options, take it or leave it.”

  “Fine, whatever.”

  “We’ve already called your mother and she’s on her way here to pick you up. Officer Hernandez will escort you to your locker so you can collect your things. I’ll get in touch with Northeast High and you should be able to start next week.”

  “JJ, you don’t even have to explain it. I know this wasn’t your fault and I am highly upset that you have to leave and not the other kid. I will be talking to a lawyer about this, because this is unfair. I called around and the only school that wo
uld accept transfers was in fact Northeast High.”

  “Shawn’s rich uncle donates money to the school every year, so I knew I was totally screwed.”

  “That still doesn’t make it right, JJ.”

  “Whatever. I start next week right?”

  “Yeah. JJ, try not to let any other guys get to you okay? I don’t need a repeat of what happened when we lived in North Carolina. I was in the principal’s office so much, people thought we were dating.”

  “I know, I’m sorry mom.” Even though I was pissed I had to go to a new school, I was happy I hadn’t lost the fight. Even with all that powder and steroids in his system, Shawn was no match for me.

  Age: Sixteen

  Diary Entry: I Did It!

  Dear Diary,

  I did it. I went all the way with Ramous. It’s been a week since we did it for the first time and it was certainly a moment I will never forget. I was so nervous when we both took our clothes off, and it burned a lot when he finally entered me, but then it started to feel good after a while. He took his time with me and it was good. We both gave our virginity to one another and it’s a gift I’ll always cherish.

  I called Sarah when I got home and she almost died when I told her what happened. She never thought I’d do it with anyone, but I guess I proved her wrong. I honestly never thought I’d want to do it with anyone. I always thought my first time would have been with Johnny. I don’t regret it not being him though; he’s the one who left, not me. Ugh why am I even talking about him?

  Anyway, I read online that I might bleed a little for the first week, but it’ll go away after a while. I made sure I washed my own laundry because I didn’t want Mom to question why I was bleeding in between my period. I freaked out when I got home the night it happened.

  I don’t know if this means I’ll fall in love with him, but I know this is something I want to do with him again and again. I hope he feels the same.

  Nothing can ruin this! Absolutely nothing!

  Happy Mickey

  It was my first day at Northeast High and I felt like a complete stranger there. I didn’t feel like I belonged at all. Landon met me in front of the school and he had the cheesiest grin on his face. I knew he was happy he finally had a real friend there after two years of being practically alone.

  The first thing I had to do when I arrived was get a class schedule that mimicked what I had at the other school, and then I had to check in with the guidance counselor.

  On my way to my next class I saw her. She was kissing some dude before they split and went in opposite directions. The smile on her face completely faded when she saw me standing right in front of her.

  “Johnny?”

  “Mickey?”

  “What are you doing here?” Oh my god. What is he doing here? This can’t really be happening to me. I must be dreaming.

  “I got into a fight at my other school and my options were get expelled or transfer, and here I am.”

  “Well it was nice to see you. Good luck with everything.” I tried to walk away before he could say another word to me. My heart was pounding in my chest and I could feel my throat trying to close up.

  “Mickey wait!”

  “Yes?”

  “Can we talk later?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Johnny. I’m the captain of the softball team now and we have a big game tonight. Maybe some other time, okay?” Get out of here Mickey before you burst into tears.

  That hurt. I wasn’t going to deny it. I felt like I was nothing to her. What the hell have I done?

  I wanted to run after her and stop her, but I didn’t. We weren’t close enough for me to get away with doing that now. I will get my chance for redemption. It will come.

  I ran into the girl’s locker room and pressed my back up against the wall. I was nearly out of breath from running so fast. The other girls hadn’t shown up yet and I allowed myself to break down. Why does this always happen to me? Life is always playing cruel games with my heart.

  It had taken me a long time to get over not seeing Johnny, and there he was right back in my face. He was still able to get a reaction out of me even when I tried so hard not to let him. Seeing him made every emotion that had faded reappear again. I was finally happy and had given myself to someone I trusted, and then here he came. Why? Why does my heart have to be toyed with?

  I slid down the wall onto my butt and sat with my knees to my chest, laying my head in my lap while the tears fell freely from my eyes. I had been in a great mood and that completely ruined it. If I stayed and talked to him, I didn’t know what would have come out of my mouth. I wasn’t going to open that door yet, not when I had Ramous by my side. Ramous . . . I hope he didn’t see any of that.

  “Mickey are you all right?” Meghan asked.

  “No, but I will be. I just needed to have a good cry to get myself ready for tonight.”

  “Okay, well if you need to talk, let me know okay?”

  “I will.” I did need to talk to someone and I had to find her quick. I grabbed my cell phone and texted Sarah.

  Me: Where r u? I need u right now!

  Sarah: I’m in the hallway

  Me: Come into the girl’s locker room it’s an emergency.

  Within minutes I heard Sarah’s voice on the other end of the room. “Mickey, where are you?”

  “I’m near the showers.”

  She came around the corner and looked at me, quickly joining me on the floor. “What happened, Mick?”

  “Jonathan freaking Gates,” I blurted out, wiping the tears away with the back of my hand.

  “I thought I saw him. Is he going to this school now? Or is he just here for a visit?”

  “He’s here to stay. Apparently he got into a fight and they told him he’d either get expelled or he could transfer to another school.”

  “And of all the schools, he chose here. You don’t think that was a coincidence do you?”

  “I have no idea, but I can’t go through this again. Me and Ramous are doing so well and I don’t need the added pressure of Johnny being around. It’ll make me feel like I have to choose.”

  “Why would you have to choose? Johnny isn’t your boyfriend, he’s just the boy you fell in love with when you were sick. And he left if I’m not mistaken, so you don’t owe him anything. But, since I know you, I do know that you’ll talk to him. So if you want, hear him out and then decide. There’s no need to cry and freak out. Ramous is your boyfriend and he’s your now. Johnny was your then.”

  She was right; Johnny was my then, but he was here now, and I’d have been lying if I said I hadn’t missed him, even if it was only a little.

  “Hey Land, do you know what time the softball game is tonight?”

  “Are you serious? You want to watch a softball game?” It took him a minute until he figured out the real reason I wanted to go. “Oh crap, I forgot she was playing. It’s at six and I’ll go with you. I’ve got to see this. I know you don’t think she’s gonna drop her new guy for you.”

  “No, that’s not what I want. I just want to be friends. I want to make things right between us. I don’t want to make things complicated.”

  “Okay. Well it’s almost six now, so let’s head to the stands.”

  I followed him on the outside of the field and watched as the two teams were warming up. I didn’t see Mickey at first and I wanted to hurry up and get onto the bleachers before she had the chance to notice me. The last thing I wanted to do was distract her from dominating the field, like Landon told me she’d been doing.

  The stands filled up within a minute, which was weird to me. No one cared about the girl’s softball team at my old school, so I was curious to know what made this team so special.

  After a few innings I saw with my own two eyes what made the team so watchable, and Mickey was a huge part of it. She wasn’t afraid to get dirty to get the ball. She hit like she was born to do it and her team rewarded her by getting her home every time. Wow.

  Mickey’s
team slaughtered the Wolves five to nothing and I had to admit that was pretty impressive. At some point Landon fell asleep in the stands. I had no idea how that guy was able to fall asleep in public places, especially surrounded by loud cheering people.

  I watched Mickey get lifted into the air by her teammates and saw the guy she’d kissed earlier waiting by the sidelines. It felt like a hot searing knife was slicing through my stomach when I saw him. In my eyes he was the enemy, even if nothing ever happened between Mickey and me. I hated the fact that she was happy with him.

  She linked her arm into his and they walked into the back together after she grabbed her things out of the dugout. I remained in the stands until they were clear. I was pissed off. I had to get back into her life and I’d stop at nothing to do it. I nudged Landon in the ribs to wake him up. “Dude, wake the hell up.”

  “I’m up! Did they win?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you see your girlfriend?” Hearing him call her that made my blood boil, especially since she wasn’t. I wished she was, but I knew it would never happen after what I’d done to her.

  The game was amazing. The team was on fire and we didn’t let the Wolves score one single run. I focused all my emotion into the game and tried to forget that I’d seen Johnny, even though I had an eerie feeling he was watching me on the field. I searched the crowd but I never saw him.

  “Keep up the momentum ladies,” Coach said in the locker room. “We face the Terriers on Friday. There won’t be any practice tomorrow, but we will pick it up on Thursday, so enjoy your day off.”

  I grabbed a quick shower and changed into a pair of skinny jeans, boots, and a long-sleeved sweater. Ramous wanted to meet at the salad bar for dinner again and I had other plans for dessert.