by Niquel
He grabbed my face and my lips melted against his. I parted my mouth to let his tongue in and it was the best feeling in the world. There was so much passion, so much love as our tongues danced around each other’s mouths. He broke our kiss and placed his forehead against mine. “I love you, Mickey Dawson.”
He is my best friend. This can’t really be happening can it? Mickey and Johnny? For real this time? No way, I think we’re both just caught up in the moment. He did something brave and this was his reward. A kiss, right? I do love him, but it’s hard to say it back to him.
“It’s okay. I know how you feel, Mick, but if I crossed the line, I can go.”
“No, you don’t have to do that. I just—didn’t—expect this. I just—”
He silenced me with another kiss. That one proved to me that I was everything to him and he was everything to me. I didn’t know what was going to happen next between us, but I was anxious to find out. I thought I would finally be able to completely let him back in. He could have the key to my heart.
Come on Mickey—say it. I know you feel it too.
She wouldn’t say it back to me and I had to admit that it hurt like hell. I thought she could feel how I felt the entire time, but I guessed I had more to prove to her. I would stop at nothing to show her how much she meant to me. I refused to end up like the other assholes that hurt her. Even though in the past I was also an asshole that hurt her, I promised I’d never do it again.
I did feel slight heartbreak at that moment and excused myself. I needed to go home and regroup. What will it take to prove to this girl that she should be mine?
Even though I was slightly hurt over what had happened with Mickey, I was still optimistic. I knew she’d come around sooner rather than later. At least I hope she will.
I couldn’t get a hold of my mom so I decided to walk home. As soon as I stepped foot on the driveway, I saw the front door was wide open and the headlights on Mom’s car were still on. My heart started banging in my chest as I neared the front steps. I ran up to the door. “Mom? You in here?” I heard loud sobbing coming from down the hall, which enraged me.
Mom was sitting on the side of the tub in the bathroom with a bunch of opened letters at her feet. Her makeup was all smeared and she looked a complete mess. “Mom, what the hell is going on?”
“JJ—I didn’t hear you come in. I’m sorry, you weren’t supposed to see me like this. I didn’t want to tell you like this, but . . . your father found me—found us.”
“What? How?”
“I don’t know, JJ. I was getting anonymous threats in my email and I thought it was some stupid spam. Then I started getting letters and today, a voicemail.” She hit play on her phone and I started to feel sick to my stomach when I heard that deep, familiar, raspy voice speak.
“Melinda, my sweet, sweet, Melinda. You didn’t think that you could hide from me forever did you? How’s our boy? I miss him and I hope his ribs healed over properly. Now that I know where you are I’m coming for you two. Don’t try to run again, Melinda, or I’ll have to hurt you, just like old times.”
I could physically see Mom shaking as she shut her phone off. I went over to her and wrapped my arms around her. “What do we do now, Mom?”
“We need to leave. I don’t want to put any of these innocent neighbors in harm’s way.”
Mickey.
“Mom, I can’t leave Mickey! I just got her back!”
“I’m sorry honey, but you’ll have to. You don’t want her to get caught up in this, do you?”
“No.”
What the hell am I gonna do?
I had thought my life was finally on track. We were settled, Mom was healthy, and I had reunited with the love of my life—and now we had to be on the run again. I have to put an end to this. I can’t keep running in fear from some asshole who claims to love us.
I felt bad that I couldn’t bring myself to say those three words back to him. They were on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t bring myself to say them and I didn’t know why. To see the disappointment in his eyes hurt my soul, but it wasn’t the right time to say it. At least I don’t think it was.
Me: I’m sorry, Johnny. I hope you don’t hate me.
My heart raced in anticipation of his answer, but it never came. It was strange because even if he was upset with me, he always got back to me. He must be blowing off some steam or something.
As the hours passed, my heart sank when I still didn’t hear back from him. I hoped I hadn’t hurt him. I knew it had taken a lot for him to tell me how he felt again. I did feel the same—at least I thought I did; I just needed a little more time.
Johnny: I don’t hate u. I just got some unexpected news and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ll see u tomorrow.
I couldn’t sleep a wink knowing something was going on with Johnny. I tried to call him a few times after his vague text, but he wouldn’t answer. I had a bad feeling deep down in my stomach and I felt like something horrible was about to happen. The last time I’d felt that way I was left crying on a bench in the middle of a park.
My alarm went off for the day and I remained in my bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out how I was going to face him after everything that had happened the day before.
“Mickey, are you awake? You need to come down for breakfast so you can get to school on time.”
“I’ll be down in a bit Mom.”
I crawled out of bed and went over to the window to see what the weather was like. It looked just how I felt inside: crappy.
How am I going to do this? How am I going to tell the only person I’ve ever loved in my life that I am being forced to leave her—again? There was a chance I could come back to see her, but what if I couldn’t? I’d been afraid the last time, and I knew it would be even worse the second time.
That day felt like the worst day of my life all over again and it had barely begun.
I’d had such a hard time going to sleep the night before that I decided to stay up and watch TV until my alarm for school went off that morning.
Mom came downstairs and looked like she hadn’t slept either. “Couldn’t sleep either I see?”
“Not a wink. Hey Mom?”
“Yeah?”
“How long do I have until we have to leave?”
“You have until tomorrow. I’ll be contacting your school later and letting them know that we have a family emergency and have to leave as soon as possible.”
“Okay.”
“I know, son. It sucks. I love it here just as much as you do. I never thought in a million years Fred would find us. I thought we were safe here, but I forgot how much manpower he has behind him. I should have known that it would only be a matter of time before he put us through hell again.”
“Mom, stop. You had no way of knowing that asshole would try and weasel his way back into our lives. I figured he’d died by now. It’s been a few years since we last saw him.” Maybe we should go and find him and I can get him killed.
“Johnny. I don’t like the look on your face. Please don’t go and try to be a hero when we leave, okay?”
I’ll be more than a hero.
I asked Mickey to meet me at the mill to break the news to her. I didn’t want to lead her on; I just wanted to give it to her straight. I couldn’t imagine how she was going to feel once I left again. She had just gotten over that Ramous guy and then the crap with Seth and now me. Only I was worse than the both of them because I’d done this to her before and I’d never wanted to do it again. I hoped this was the last time I had to hurt her.
“There you are! Why are you over here, Johnny?” I was sitting on a fallen tree trunk by the water when she found me.
“I just wanted to look at the water again.”
“Why? It’s not like you’ll never see it again.”
“I won’t.”
No. not again. He’d better not tell me he’s leaving. I can’t do this again. My hands started shaking by my sides. I tapped my fingers on the exp
osed skin at the bottom of my dress.
“Mickey. I’m not going to lie to you, and it hurts me to tell you this, but I have to leave again. This time it might be for good.”
“Why this time Johnny? Did another uncle get hurt? Do you have another grandpa that requires you to leave for months and not to return? Or will you return and leave me on my own for another two years before you try to talk to me again?” I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, but I was done with the excuses. I was done with giving him chances. If he did leave and come back, I didn’t think I’d want to see him again. I knew I didn’t want to see him again. Even if he was only gone for a week, I was sick of things I loved being torn away from me.
He stood to his feet sporting a navy blue shirt with a pair of gray jeans, and he put his hands on my shoulder. “Mickey, listen to yourself. You don’t mean any of this,” he said with tears in his eyes.
“I do.” I’d started crying so hard I could barely see him in front of me. Everything was blurry and I pushed his hands off of me. “Just go Johnny. I’ll be fine. I’m always fine.”
I’ve done it. I’ve finally broken her. She’d never acted like that toward me before. I guessed this was the big difference from the Mickey then and the Mickey now. She’s grown up a lot.
She grabbed her long brown hair and put it up into a ponytail, and then wiped her tears away, drying her hands on the side of her dress.
“Mickey, I never stopped loving you. I just want you to know that. And I never will.”
“Whatever Johnny. If this is what love is all about—hurting people and leaving them when they’re vulnerable—then I don’t want any part of it.”
“I guess I’ll just go.”
“Please do.”
Damn I screwed up. I hate you Dad. I hate you for ruining my life once again.
He did it. He actually walked away from me—again. My heart sped up in my chest, beating against my ribs, reminding me that this was it for me—for us. We’d been through so much together to let this be over. I can’t let this happen. What was I thinking? Why was I so cold?
I couldn’t stand there and not do anything, so I did the only logical thing, I ran after him. “Johnny, wait!” He turned around with tears in his ocean blue eyes and I felt how vulnerable he was. I didn’t know what caused me to do it, but I leaped into the air and he caught me in his arms. I pressed my lips against his, begging—no, pleading for him to stay. I let every ounce of my love flow from my lips onto his. “John—”
“Don’t. It’s already too painful. Here, take this,” he said, placing a piece of paper in my hand. “I wasn’t going to give you this, but I think I need to. I need you to know that this is not the end. Our love story is temporarily paused for now. Some cruel creator out there is putting our feelings on hold so we don’t ruin the happy feelings we have for one another. The minute he hits play we’ll be reconnected again. I love you, Mickey.” He grabbed my face and pressed his lips against my forehead before walking off. I could feel my soul trying to escape from my body, and my heart was breaking into a million tiny pieces. I fell into the long grass and sobbed until he disappeared into the unknown. “I love you, Johnny,” I whispered, hoping the air would carry my words to him. “I love you Johnny Gates.”
I lay in the middle of the grass until the sky turned dark; I couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. All I wanted was one more chance to be with him and I couldn’t. It tore me apart from the inside out.
“Mickey? Are you still out here?” I heard Mom yelling from down the path.
“Yes,” I said, pulling my sorry self off the ground. “Down here, Mom.” She walked toward me and as soon as she saw my face, she didn’t ask me another question. She could tell what was wrong with me the moment she laid eyes on me. She’d always been good at deciphering what was wrong with me before I could say a single word.
“I’m sorry honey. Let’s go grab a pint of vanilla chocolate swirl and you can tell me all about it.” She grabbed my hand and led me back to her van.
I told Mom everything and I could feel her heart breaking for me. She’d always known what Johnny meant to me and now that he had done this to me again, she had no words. There was nothing she could say that would comfort me at that moment. I just needed to know she was there and that was good enough for now.
We finished two pints of ice cream and she left me alone on the couch for the rest of the night. She had an important deadline she had to meet for work. She was the head of online operations at her friend Nancy’s startup company.
Every time I thought of him, tears sprung from my eyes. Will I ever be happy again? Will I find a guy that tells me he loves me and stays with me?
I sat on the edge of the couch and shut the TV off. It was after midnight and I thought I’d finally hit my quota of tears for the night. As I walked up the stairs, I looked over my shoulder at the door; the moon was shining directly on the tire swing in the yard. Why did I look at that?
I quickly ran up the stairs and into my bedroom. I sat down on the side of my bed and saw the note Johnny had given me earlier.
Dear Mickey,
I know you’re looking at this letter and probably wanting to burn it. I didn’t know how to say this to you face to face and honestly this is pretty shitty of me, but I had to go. Something bad happened and I can’t tell you about it right now. I know I just confessed my undying love for you again and I meant every single word that I said, but I need to tie up some loose ends.
You hate me now right? Please don’t. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is something I have to do on my own and I couldn’t bear to bring you down with me. You deserve so much better than this. I know I said I would be different. I said I wouldn’t hurt you like the others and I promised I wouldn’t do this to you again. Right now a piece of my soul feels like it has left my body as I write this, because I feel like I failed you. I lied to you and it wasn’t by choice.
Someone is hurting my family and I need to find this asshole and I don’t know how long it’ll take. It could be a week, it could be a month, or it could be a year. I can’t promise you that I’ll be right back because that would be a lie, Mick.
I don’t want you to wait for me. Live your life. Find someone else to fill the empty void I’ve suddenly burdened you with again. You’re beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have you. I want you to know that I am truly sorry and I love you more than you’ll ever know. You will find someone that won’t hurt you and I wish that guy was me, but it’s not, and I hate myself for it.
I know you won’t listen, but if you do believe in fate, and if you do believe in us as much as I do, then . . .
We will be together again.
Good-bye, with love.
John
Tears rolled down my cheeks, soaking the paper I was gripping in my hands. I read the note several more times, trying to make sense of it all. We were happy and everything seemed to be fine, and then he was gone. Would it be for a day? Would it be for a year? I had no idea. Everything he had led me to believe all those years ago was nothing but false hope.
Lies.
Deceit.
Words.
They were just words to make the stupid little girl with cancer believe that one person would always be there for her. I had believed he would never leave my side again, yet there I was again—all alone. I hadn’t known any better then, but I did now. I’ll never let anyone get close to me ever again.
Crash. Crash. Crash. That was the sound of broken glass shattering on my bedroom floor, remnants of my heart shattering with each piece. How could he do this to me again? Why Johnny? Why?
I felt like a huge jerk leaving her like that again. There were no other words to describe it. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do in my life, leaving the girl I’d been in love with ever since I was thirteen years old for the second time. Mickey was it for me. She was everything I’d ever wanted, but I had to let her go. I knew she’d hate me that night
and every other night until she heard from me again, but in the end, I knew we’d be together again. And when it happened, I wouldn’t hurt her ever again. Love for me was a losing game when it came to her.
I had to find my father. I had to end this. He needed to pay for the crap he had put my mom and me through. I had a feeling deep down that when we moved from North Carolina, our paths would cross again, but not like this. Not under these circumstances.
Mom had been getting threatening phone calls at work and threatening letters. When she received the first letter, she kept it from me. If I could have killed him and gotten away with it, I would have. Mom wanted to confront him herself, and I told her she could after I punched his face into the ground. I was a lot bigger now than I had been when we left, and I was sure he wouldn’t expect an almost six foot guy with a vengeance when I found him.
We packed up all of our things and jumped on the interstate. I looked out the window into the dark sky; the moon was shining bright over the town. Good-bye Michelle.
Age: Sixteen
Diary Entry: Broken
Dear Diary,
Here I am again, bawling my eyes out, heartbroken, and feeling so numb that I’m scaring myself. I feel like I’m being punished for wanting to love someone. Why is love such a tormenting thing for me? I wish someone could take the feeling of love away from me so I wouldn’t keep getting hurt. My heart feels like someone put their hand on my chest and dug their nails into my heart until it was a second away from stopping.
When will it stop? The pain of rejection—that’s what this has to be. Once I fall for someone and make it clear they’re all I want, they slap me in my face and tell me with their actions that they don’t love me in the same way, whether they mean to or not. It took me a while to let him back in after the last time and now it’s happening all over again and I can’t face this hurtful truth. I never thought he’d put me through this again and now that I’m older and really understand what true love means, I didn’t think I’d be here all alone again.