by Niquel
This was complete bull and the stupid note he left didn’t make things any better. How could he do this to me? And leave me a note so vague I don’t even know why he’s really leaving? Who would try to hurt his family?
I tried so hard not to fall for him again and what does he do? He takes my heart, stomps on it, and buries it in the dirt.
I can’t deal with this right now. Screw you Jonathan Gates. Even if it takes me years, I will get over you, and you better not try and weasel your way back into my life.
Good-bye to this chapter of my life. It’s time to grow up and enjoy the next few years.
Michelle
Age: Twenty
Journal Entry: Forgetting the Past
Dear Journal,
It’s been four long years since I’ve seen him and I still can’t get him out of my mind. I thought if I dated other guys and kept my heart cold I’d get over him, but I can’t. I’ve dated other guys, had sex with other guys, and wished every single one of them were Johnny. The connection we had was so strong and I never found that with anyone else. I thought if I threw myself into countless relationships it would heal the hole in my heart, but I was wrong. I was just an empty shell of a person pretending to look for love where love couldn’t be found.
When he left I thought not having any contact with him would make things better, but all it’s done is make me crazy. I feel like I’ve seen him around town many times, but when I stop to take a second look he vanishes. Although he never blamed me for anything, I still bear the guilt deep down inside of me. What if I’d said something earlier? What if I’d let him back in right away, would it have changed things between us? Would he have stayed and never cared about the person that he was after?
I’d give anything to see him again, to smell his outdoorsy cologne, to hear his deep sultry voice—hell, to touch his hand.
I took advantage of him professing his love for me and took it as a guarantee he’d be with me forever. I shouldn’t have been so stupid back then; I should have realized that nothing lasts forever. No matter how many promises were made, I should have just let things roll off my back and not into my heart.
I know this is probably stupid of me, but I still wear the friendship bracelet he made me when we were younger. I guess it’s a reminder of the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens. I’m sure this totally makes no sense, but I don’t care. Johnny was everything to me and I realize that even more so as an adult.
But maybe it’s time to let it go. Maybe it’s time to try to move on. I have been talking to a new guy named Sam for over a month and he seems nice. He’s managed to keep me focused and somewhat happy. He’s tall with chin length brown hair and the sweetest amber eyes. I met him in the library on my college campus and he’s been hanging out with me ever since.
He’s nice, he’s hot, and I feel like maybe if I could let this Johnny thing die, I could give him a fair chance, but I won’t hold my breath. I’m emotionally damaged goods and I won’t allow myself to accept any more pain.
Michelle
Sam called me and asked me to meet him at the park that afternoon, but he was nowhere to be found when I arrived. I decided to walk around and take in the scenery to kill some time before he showed up. It was a warm spring afternoon and the leaves were starting to sprout on the tree branches. The birds were chirping and kids were running up and down the paths, playing tag with one another. The sun was shining brightly and I wanted to soak up as much vitamin D as I could.
As I walked down the path, I was distracted by a red and white blanket with a wicker basket sitting on top beside an old oak tree. There were candles and beautiful silverware surrounding it. Whoever the lucky girl was, I was slightly jealous of her. Someone had put a lot of thought into this special surprise, something I hadn’t had many of in the past few years.
I wanted to be nosey and stick around until the happy couple showed up. I wanted to see the look on her face when she saw how thoughtful her other half was. I wanted to see what true love was supposed to look like—supposed to feel like.
I found an empty bench by a pool of water nearby and sat down. I looked down at my reflection and smiled. Suddenly another reflection surfaced from behind my head, making me jump. “Sam! You scared the crap out of me!”
“I’m sorry, hun. I didn’t mean to. Will you ever forgive me?” He walked around the bench and kneeled down on one knee in front of me, giving me sad puppy dog eyes.
“How could I say no to that gorgeous face?” I smiled, placing my hands on either side of his face.
“Good. I have a surprise for you, so cover your eyes,” he said, quickly rising to his feet.
I was wearing my heels that day, which I quickly realized had been a bad decision as I tried to balance them on the pavement without seeing a thing. Sam led me down a short path. “Open them!”
I opened my eyes and immediately recognized it was the picnic I’d just seen. “This—is—for me? I saw it earlier and was kind of jealous. I wanted to see the girl’s reaction when she saw it, but I guess it’s a little hard to do that now isn’t it?”
“Yep. I wish you could have seen your own reaction right now. So what do you think?”
“It’s beautiful. What’s inside the basket?”
“Open the lid.” I kneeled down on the blanket and there was a small bouquet of lilacs inside with a small note attached to a curled piece of ribbon that said Will you be my girlfriend, Michelle Dawson? I looked over at Sam and before I could answer I swore I saw someone familiar lurking behind a tree down the path. Johnny?
I must be going insane. I felt like every time I was doing something that felt off or like I shouldn’t be doing it, I saw him. He can’t really be here, can he? And if he really was, why hadn’t he said a damn thing to me in four damn years?
“You okay, Michelle? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost or something.”
“Haha, something like that. I’m so sorry, Sam, but can I have some time to think about this before I give you a definite answer? I haven’t liked anyone this much in a long time and to be honest, it scares me a little.”
“Take all the time you need, but in the meantime check out the other stuff in the basket!”
There were some German chocolate biscuits inside, and a plastic container full of his mom’s signature carne asada steak and rice. I grabbed a fork and dug in, only coming up for air when necessary.
“That was so amazing Joh—I mean—Sam. I’m so sorry.”
“No worries. Glad you liked it. Hey Michelle, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Where’d you get that rope on your wrist from? Is it some sort of Indian jewelry? I always see you wear it, but wanted to know what it stood for.”
“It was a gift from a former best friend of mine. He was with me through some tough times as a kid and—” I had to stop myself from tearing up in front of him. I didn’t know why I was so emotional about it; I didn’t have any technical ties to the damn thing. But I do to the person who gave it to me.
He wrapped his long arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “It’s okay, Michelle. It obviously means a lot to you and I wouldn’t dare pry or insinuate anything about it. You don’t have to explain anything else to me.”
Crap. I didn’t think I’d be this vulnerable over a piece of rope, and I didn’t think he’d notice what I changed and what I didn’t . . .
Sam was the definition of good boyfriend material. He was sweet, a bit sensitive at times, and a great listener. His body looked like it was chiseled out of stone, yet he didn’t work out all the time to maintain it. I was sure the rugby he played had a lot to do with it though.
I could get used to this, right?
I leaned back against his chest and could feel his heart racing. If he could have felt mine, it would have almost matched the rhythm of his. My breathing settled as I looked up into the cloudless sky. This could work. I could give my heart to another person and maybe, just maybe, he won’t break it into a m
illion tiny pieces that could never be put back together again.
Sam walked me home after our picnic and I still couldn’t decide whether or not I wanted us to be a thing. We stayed at the park and talked for hours until the sun started to set. He was nice and held my hand the entire time and never once questioned me about his earlier proposition. He walked me up the stairs to my front door and placed a kiss on my hand like a true gentleman. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay. I had a great time today, thank you!”
As I walked through the door, my mom and dad were sitting in the living room watching TV. “You seem happy, honey. How was your date with Sam?” Mom asked.
“Good, he’s a great guy.”
“Well he’d better watch it. You’ve been through a lot Michelle, and I will not stand for another young punk stabbing you in the heart,” Dad said, narrowing his eyes at me.
“I’ll be fine, Dad. I learned a long time ago to lock up my heart and throw away the key, and that if your heart is meant to be bonded with another, then they will have the one and only spare key to retrieve it and keep it forever.”
“Wow. That was—so grown up of you, Michelle. You are most certainly not a little girl any more,” Mom said with tears gathering in her eyes.
I smiled and made my way up the staircase to my room. I felt like I was on cloud nine and it was the happiest I’d felt in a long time. I didn’t know what I was so afraid of; Sam wouldn’t hurt me, right? I’d let him get close enough to fall for me, but I hadn’t let him get close enough to be able to break me. I’d promised myself I’d never do that again and I was going to keep my word no matter what it took.
I missed her. I missed her so fucking much. No girl that crossed my path could hold a candle to Mickey. The meaningless sex was fun at first, but now I had an empty hole in my chest where my heart used to be. When I’d left her four years before, I had left a piece of my heart there with her.
Mandy was the latest girl trying to spew her love all over me and I wasn’t buying it. She texted me nudes every damn day, but she didn’t stack up to what I’d had. I compared every single girl to the connection I felt with Mickey and none of them could even begin to compare.
“Hey man, are you done sulking? We have a job to do. We’re narrowing in on that asshole’s whereabouts,” Craig said, snapping me back to reality.
“Yeah, I’m good,” I lied as I took a drag from the beer he’d brought over. “Where did you see him this time?” Craig was a few years older than me and always tried to get me to drink and smoke with him. I wasn’t into it, but occasionally I’d take a beer to shut him up. I’d met him one day when I was laying on an empty bench by a bus stop. I had become so obsessed with finding my father that my mom had decided to head back to Massachusetts and let me continue on my own. She was scared to confront him again. Craig decided to take me in once he heard my story. He was like the older brother I never had. He was a tattoo artist, and he had a dark past. He was responsible for all the tattoos I had on my body. The eagle tattoo on my stomach and the M between my fingers were my favorites. His brother Rico was an ex-Seal and could track down anyone you asked. It was cool and scary at the same time. He’d just retired a year ago, but he got a thrill out of using all of his old gear. They both looked a lot alike: tall with dark hair and completely covered from head to toe in tattoos. The only difference was Rico had long hair and Craig had a buzz cut and gauges in his ears.
“He was at some rundown sweat shop. Hey John? What are you going to do when you actually get to confront this asshole?” he asked, extending his completely tattooed hand with a lit joint in it toward me.
“I don’t know. I’d like to be able to kill him and never have to see his face again, but I know that’s not possible. I will, however, make his life a living hell and he will never be able to hurt anyone or their families ever again.” I couldn’t believe that pig was able to cause so much pain to my family and make my mom almost quit the job and lifestyle she’d grown to love—that I’d grown to love. The lifestyle I’d left behind like a dumbass to get revenge on this asshole. I’d ruined things with Mickey and missed her so much. I hoped whatever she was doing right then, she was happy and not thinking about me. I’d have hated to still cause her so much pain after so much time had passed. She definitely did not deserve that and I’d never forgive myself.
I’d have done anything to be near her again, but I knew I’d have a lot to prove. I couldn’t hurt her again; I wouldn’t allow myself to.
“John, come here! I think I found him. I got a tip from my boy Mitch that he’s been selling illegal firearms to the mob downtown.”
Could this be it? After four years of searching? Four years of time wasted that could have been spent with the woman I loved.
“What did you find?”
“Rico spotted him walking alone by the Chan Deug Chinese place. He’s by himself. You ready to nail his ass to the coffin?”
“Let’s do it!”
“Rico, keep your eyes pinned on that asshole. We’re strapping up and we’ll meet you in thirty,” Craig said on his walkie-talkie.
Craig pulled out his duffel bag full of masks, knives, mace, and brass knuckles. I told him I didn’t want to kill the bastard, but I wanted to make it so he wouldn’t hurt anyone else ever again. If he ended up a cripple, I’d be okay with that.
We hopped in Rico’s unmarked van. The side windows were tinted a dark black and the windshield had a reflective material on it, so you couldn’t see who was driving right away, especially at night.
“Rico, come in. Do you still have a visual on douche bag?”
“Yeah, he’s leaving the restaurant though, so you guys might want to haul ass if you want to get him. There’s an alley behind it. I’m on the fire escape waiting. Say the word and I’ll slow him down.”
“We’re here. Stay in position. When I give the whistle, attack.”
Surprisingly, I was calm. Is this how he felt when he beat my mom all those years ago? Like he had no reason to regret it? Shit, am I just like him for doing this?
“You all right, J? If you want to abort we can; I know this is a big deal for you.”
“Yeah, just letting stupid shit get the best of me. Let’s do it.”
Craig got out, ran around the van, and opened my door, then whistled; everything else was a blur.
I could feel myself going through the motions, hitting him, screaming at him. I could feel his bones cracking under my fists, but I felt nothing. I was numb inside. All the pain I remembered as a child, I inflicted on him. All the times I’d caught Mom with a bloody nose, I inflicted on him.
“J stop. J! You’re going to kill him!” Craig yanked me off of his lifeless body. I looked down and he was a shell of the man he used to be. His face was the same and he was still bald, but he’d lost some weight.
“That’s for all the shit you put us through, Fred. Don’t you ever bother Melinda again. Love John.” His face was completely swollen, but I knew he tried to make out what I looked like through the mask.
“Let’s get out of here! I think the boys in blue are coming,” Rico said.
The hot water ran down my back, washing away more than dirt and blood. It washed away my fear. I smirked as I looked down at my bruised knuckles, satisfied that I’d done what I’d set out to do. Now I had no reason to be there. It was time go back home and make things right. Get back the girl I loved for good and keep her forever.
I’m going to do it. What do I have to lose?
Me: Sam can you meet me at the park in twenty?
Sam: Sure.
I waited by the same tree he’d asked me out at a few weeks before. He’d never pressured me into anything or forced himself on me and that was what made me decide to be with him. We were still learning things about each other, but I was comfortable with him—with this.
I watched as he walked down the cemented path. His hair was gelled back, his shirt clung to his body, and the sun made his skin glow. For the first time i
n a long time, I felt alive between my legs.
He smiled when he saw me and it made me want him more. “Hey beautiful.”
“Hey. So have a seat.”
“Is everything okay?” His eyebrows rose and his eyes were searching mine.
“Yes, of course! I just wanted to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
“Yes.”
“Yes? Oh—yes? You will be mine?” He grabbed my face and the electricity between us set fire to my body. His touch awakened a part of me that I’d thought had died long ago.
“Sam, I—” He silenced me with another kiss.
“Let’s get out of here.”
“Where are we going?”
“Somewhere special.”
Sam brought me to his apartment. I’d never been there before, but it was nice. As soon as you walked through the door, the living area was to the right with a black loveseat up against the wall. A small glass coffee table was in front of it and the flat screen TV was mounted to the wall across from the table. He had a Cuban flag suspended over the kitchen cabinets, which were a nice espresso color. His appliances were a little dated, but being a college kid on his own, I thought it was still nice.
“Have a seat. I have something special planned for you.”
He disappeared through the opening between the kitchen and dining room and I felt my palms start to sweat. I crossed my legs to stop them from bouncing with anticipation. Sam and I’d been around each other for the past few months and I was sure he wanted the same thing I did, but I didn’t know if I was ready right then.