by Niquel
“She does. I see Melissa in the market from time to time. She let me know that Michelle is in college and doing well.”
Is she really doing well? Or does she feel as shitty as I have the past four years?
I’d been back in town for a few weeks now and still hadn’t had the balls to go and see her. I’d never been more afraid of anything in my life. I felt like I had prepared all my life to whoop my father’s ass, but facing the girl I’d loved—the girl I still loved—put fear in my heart.
“I don’t think things between Sam and I are going to work any more. He was so nice, caring, and persistent in the beginning, but now the effort is gone.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. What do you think the problem is?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like there isn’t enough time for us to focus on a relationship.”
“Have you had sex with him yet?”
“No. I want to, but I’m afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Being hurt again, Jess.”
“Listen, you’re in college now. You’re allowed to have sex with guys and if it doesn’t change things, move on. You don’t have to settle and hope every guy will be the one.”
She was right. I was so focused on love that I’d neglected what I needed.
Age: Twenty
Journal Entry: What Have I Done?
Dear Journal,
I had sex with Sam last night . . .
Everything started off great. We cooked a new recipe he learned from school together: shrimp alfredo with this special basil cream sauce. He got a hold of this expensive Merlot wine and had some soft rock music playing in the background. He had no idea what I had in store for him, but the mood was right for sure.
Once things cooled off in the kitchen, they picked up in his bedroom, where I thought he would make me feel like a woman. Boy was I wrong . . .
It almost felt like it was his first time. He never took his shirt off or mine. He lay on top of me, kissing me and fondling me for what felt like all of five minutes. His hands were rough and his sloppy kisses on my neck felt like a wet dog. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I went through with having sex with him and instantly regretted it. He seized on top of me, got up and tossed the condom in the trash, and put his clothes back on, leaving me high and dry. I’ve never felt so humiliated in my life.
I felt like a used sex toy, where you take what you need and don’t have to finish. I lay naked under his sheets hoping it was some cruel sick joke, but it wasn’t. He turned on a movie and ignored me for the rest of the night. I don’t know why I expected so much from him. Is this what the rest of my life will be like? Will I become some bitter old bitch that hates everyone because I never had a proper orgasm? I sure as hell hope not.
I’ll never listen to Jessica’s advice again. I’m not cut out for the sleep with and move on life style. I need love and I’ll damn sure find it.
Michelle
P.S. I think I’m going to end it with Sam. I can’t even face him after this.
Sam must have sensed I was going to end it because I hadn’t seen him in a few days. He texted me a few times, telling me he’d stop by after class or meet me for lunch, but never showed up. The final straw was when he promised to take me out on a date and never called or texted me until after midnight. Why was I such a fool? All he wanted was sex from the beginning, but I was so stupid. I only saw what was on the surface, not the lies underneath. I’ll never make this mistake ever again.
Jessica had been by my side the entire time and felt bad for the horrible advice she’d given me. She tried everything she could to get me to hang out after class, but I wouldn’t budge until I was ready. I decided to go to her place just to amuse her that night. She had a small studio apartment inside a huge brick building. Her bed, kitchen, and living space were all in the same area, separated by different types of flooring, and her bathroom was down the hall.
“Hey girl, let’s go to this party over at Ace College!”
“I don’t know, I’m tired.”
“Aw come on, Michelle! You need to go out and have fun. You never know, you might meet the love of your life there.”
The love of my life is gone. He slipped into the uncharted waters of the abyss, never to return, never to repair the hole in my chest where my heart lies. “Fine, I’ll go.”
“Good. Let’s get you dolled up! I have the perfect outfit for you.”
After an hour of plucking, painting my face, and styling my hair, Jessica finally finished pampering me. I slid into the black fitted dress with the split on the right side that stopped just above my knees. Then I grabbed my favorite pair of black Steve Maddens with the open toe and six inch heel and slid them on.
I inspected myself in the floor length mirror behind the door in her bathroom and almost didn’t recognize what I saw. My hair was in tight curls down the sides of my face, with the top pulled back into a small clip and curled down the back of my head. She had kept my makeup simple except for the bright red lipstick that decorated my lips and the heavy eyeliner that curled at the corner of my eyes.
“Wow, you look great! The car is outside, let’s go!”
Jessica ran out the door in front of me with a similar dress in red, and the same shoes. Her blonde hair was cut into a short style that she added a few waves to and her jacket was over her shoulders.
It was an abnormally warm fall evening. The wind was calmly blowing the leaves down the sidewalk and I was grateful for the long pea coat I was wearing. Don’t want to give the driver a show.
The driver opened the door for us and waited until we were seated before shutting the door. He was decent looking for a driver. He was shorter than me with a thick black mustache, tan skin, and green eyes, and wore a black cap over his head.
“Do we have this car for the rest of the night?”
“Yes, so we can get as drunk as we want!”
I figured.
After a short ride, we pulled up in front of the main hall at Ace College. We could see the neon lights swirling around the room through the open door that was heavily guarded by security. “Uh, Jess, what’s with the heavy detail?”
“Sometimes these parties can get a little rowdy, but we’ll be fine, I’m sure of it.” She linked her arm in mine and led me to the front door.
I could feel the bass on the ground before we stepped foot inside and once we entered the room, the view was amazing. There was a huge statue of David on top of a water fountain with crystal clear water cascading from the top to the bottom in the middle of the room. There were tables full of finger food and kegs on separate tables off in the distance.
“Hey pretty ladies, would you like a drink?” some random drunk guy asked.
“No thanks,” Jessica declined.
“Wow, somebody’s had a few too many.”
Jessica and I danced together for what felt like hours. This party was so live and I loved just about every song they played. It helped to keep my mind off of Sam. “I have to go to the bathroom, Jess. I’ll be right back.”
“Okay, I’ll be here dancing by myself until you get back.”
I decided to take a little tour of my surroundings before I went to the bathroom. There were three separate rooms playing different types of music and tons of people were running in and out of each one. Some drunken kids were making out over the bodies of those that couldn’t handle their liquor. As I navigated through them all, I finally made it to the bathroom. It was huge, with floor length mirrors and small sinks beside them. The walls were covered in black and white tile and I’d never seen anything like it before.
I went into an empty stall and checked my phone. I didn’t know why, but I’d texted Sam before we’d left Jessica’s apartment. I had absolutely nothing from him. Michelle, let it go.
As I stormed out of the bathroom, I saw a guy talking to a girl. Normally I wouldn’t stare at someone that hard, but there was something oddly familiar about him that I couldn’t quite figure out. His left arm w
as completely covered in tattoos and he was wearing a gray beanie hat; he had a black leather jacket resting over his shoulder. A short blonde chick was in front of him and she was laughing way too hard at whatever he’d just said. “Haha, you’re so funny Johnny.”
Johnny. Hearing that name froze me in my tracks. There’s no way that could be your Johnny, don’t be silly Michelle.
I caught myself smiling, but my heart was thumping rapidly in my chest. I watched as he bent down to kiss her and watched as her hands slid around his waist.
“Wow, get a room.” Wait, did I just say that out loud? Oops.
The girl stepped from in front of the guy, looked me up and down, then grabbed his hand. “Let’s go Johnny; Ms. Prissy pants doesn’t want to see us making out.”
“That’s too bad, we’d give her a goo—” He turned around and the smile on his face completely faded. “Mickey?”
“Wait, you two know each other? Ah, I get it. This is your girlfriend and you’re trying to get me into some trouble; not happening buddy. You can kindly go fuck yourself pal.” She stormed off in heels that were way too high for her.
I didn’t know whether to run, scream, cry, or throw a punch. My body trembled as he walked toward me. “Mick—”
“Don’t. Don’t you dare come anywhere near me, Johnny!” I ran in the opposite direction and couldn’t see anything in front of me clearly through my tears. “Jessica! Jessica we need to leave!” I yelled through the crowd.
She ran toward me in a panic. “What’s wrong? Did another guy hit on you?”
“Worse.”
“Wait, what could be worse?”
“Johnny.”
“The Johnny?”
My lips trembled and as she looked behind me, her eyes widened. “Is that him?”
I turned around and took a good look at him. He’d changed so much since I’d last seen him. He had scruff all over his face and was much taller, he’d gained a little muscle, and his hair was cut into layers around his face. “Get me out of here, Jess!”
“Mickey, please, I just need to talk to you!” Even his voice had gotten raspy and deep. My lungs felt like someone had reached into my chest and individually squeezed all the air out of them.
“I don’t want to talk to you!”
Brandy dragged me to a college party to get free drinks and have a little fun before we went back to her parents’ place. They were out of town for the weekend and this was a way to introduce me to new people. I’d met her at the coffee shop she worked at one night when Landon was showing me around downtown. Since I didn’t know many people, I decided, hey, why the hell not?
“This weird girl keeps staring over here, Johnny.”
“Let’s give her a show.”
The girl said something smart under her breath, but it was loud enough to piss Brandy off. Brandy grabbed my hand and when I saw the girl that was offended by our actions, my heart dropped. Mickey was standing a few feet away from us, and she was as beautiful as ever. She was even more beautiful than what I remembered. The heartbreak I saw on her face was the same as when we were younger and it hurt just as bad. I hadn’t thought I’d see her right then, but I had planned on looking for her eventually. I’d stopped in front of her house on many occasions, but I’d never had the balls to go up to the front door.
She ran off yelling for a friend of hers and it made me feel like shit. I ran after her so we could talk. When I caught up with her, she didn’t want anything to do with me, and I couldn’t blame her, but I really wanted to clear the air with her.
“Mickey, please talk to me.”
“Dude, do you know what you’ve done to her? How dare you! Don’t you have some whore to entertain or something?” her friend screamed at me.
Ouch. “Mickey, meet me at the mill tomorrow at two. Please.”
“She most certainly will not,” her friend chimed in.
Mickey’s eyes were full of tears and she wouldn’t say anything to me, which hurt more than not being able to see her ever did. There the love of my life was, standing right in front of me, and she thought of me as some piece of shit. Fuck.
I couldn’t sleep at all. The night had been a disaster and I wanted nothing more than to talk with Mickey and make things right. I almost had the nerve to show up at her parents’ house in the middle of the night, but I didn’t want her dad to come after me. I’d promised them I wouldn’t hurt her and I’d done it several times now.
I stopped by the flower shop and grabbed a bunch of lilacs, the same kind I’d bought for her when we were younger. I hope she still likes these.
It was surreal walking in the neighborhood again; all the memories from my younger years flooded my mind, all the times we’d walked around together for hours just talking and laughing. Sometimes she’d cry, and I’d try to stay strong so she wouldn’t see a tear or two escape from my eyes.
As I walked by the diner we’d had our very first date at, I got chills. I remembered that day like it was yesterday. I had been so nervous, but we’d had a great time.
It was pretty chilly outside, so I zipped up my leather jacket and booked it to the mill. Everything looked exactly the same: the field, the trees, everything. I figured in four years something would have changed, but it hadn’t. I sat down on a tree log by the water and waited, trying to keep myself calm and hopeful that she’d give me a chance to explain myself.
The nerve. He had some nerve demanding that I meet him at the mill. I hadn’t seen this man in four years and he’d looked like a complete stranger when I’d seen him the night before. Jessica tried to convince me not to go, but I needed to go; I needed the closure. I needed the pain to heal and it wouldn’t unless we talked.
I placed my ear buds in my ears and turned on my favorite song by Nearly Empty, “Impossible.” It was perfect for the situation because this whole thing seemed impossible to me.
As I walked down the path, I saw him sitting in the field on a tree stump. He was staring out at the water and I almost turned around because I didn’t know if I should face him. Just do it Mickey, hear him out.
I took my ear buds out and walked toward him. He looked at me and as our eyes connected, my heart fluttered in my chest. I hated that he still had that effect on me; he didn’t deserve to make me feel that kind of love any more. Why do I still feel love from him? Why do I still feel love for him?
He rose to his feet and handed me a bunch of lilies, the same kind he’d bought me when we were younger. “I’m glad you came.”
“It wasn’t easy, but I needed the closure.”
“I’m sorry, Mickey. I know I hurt you and that’s not what I wanted to do. I needed to find him, my dad. He was harassing my mom all the way from North Carolina and tried to ruin her life, our lives.”
“Johnny, why didn’t you tell me? I would have understood. You told me what kind of vile creature he was and it would have hurt a little less if you had told me the truth. I thought I did something wrong and you were using this as a cover up. I thought I scared you away.”
“Never. I didn’t know how to tell you, Mick, but I’m here now and I promise I’ll never hurt you again.”
I wanted to believe him. His ocean blue eyes still had a hold on me; I could feel the pain behind them and it crushed me, but I didn’t trust him any more.
“Why should I believe you, Johnny? What makes you think that after four years of growing up on my own, I should believe you? What makes things so different now? We’ve been through this same song and dance before.” Tears sprung out of my eyes and I didn’t care. I needed to know why I should trust him again, how I could trust him again. I knew I’d never find anyone else that had such an impact on my life like he had, but my heart couldn’t take it. My heart couldn’t take the disappointment of opening up to be crushed again—not for a third time.
“I don’t have an answer for that, but I want you to look at me.” He took a step forward, placing his hands on either side of my shoulders. “Look right in my eyes and tell me you don’t
still feel it. Tell me right now the love is gone Michelle, and I’ll leave.”
Blinking through the stinging tears, I couldn’t admit it. I couldn’t tell him I didn’t love him any more, because it would be a lie. I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms again, to feel his touch, his embrace. I wanted to experience things with him that I hadn’t been ready for when we were younger. I wanted it all. “Promise me.”
“Promise you what?” He removed his hands from my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. Home. I feel at home.
“Promise me that you’ll fix this.”
“Fix what? What is it that you need me to fix, Mick?” I took his hand and placed it against my heart as the tears poured down my cheeks. “Oh. I promise I’ll fix it.” He placed his hands behind my ears and kissed me on the forehead. “I promise, and I’ll never break it again.”
He lifted his sleeve and showed me the friendship bracelet he’d made when we were younger. “I’ve never stopped wearing this, Mick.”
I lifted my sleeve and showed him mine. “Me either.”
I didn’t know what came over me, but I couldn’t resist the temptation to touch her. I didn’t want to be too forward, but I couldn’t control myself. “I have a surprise for you.”
She was hesitant to be near me and I couldn’t blame her. She was wearing a long white sweater with jeans and boots, and her eyes sparkled in the sunlight—even full of tears. Her hair was so full and wavy. I hated myself for what I’d done to her. I hated myself for hurting this broken woman in front of me, whose heart I was responsible for breaking and putting back together.
We walked closer to the water and stopped a few inches away from the stream. She stood in front of me, looking at the field.
I’d placed a red and black blanket down and asked her to sit down. She was trying so hard to shut me out, but I sat down behind her and wrapped my arms around her to see if she’d accept my touch. She surprised me when she reached for my hand. I placed my finger underneath her chin, slightly tilting her head up toward mine. “I can’t do this, Johnny.”