If the Dress Fits

by Carla de Guzman

  I know Regina said I could make things happen if I wanted. But I wasn’t sure what Max wanted, if he still wanted me. I’d tried to get in touch with him since that day I left him, but his phone number kept coming back as ‘unattended or out of coverage area.’

  Save for launching a bat-signal in the middle of Metro Manila, I had no idea how to get in touch with him. The people at the clinic told me he worked on house calls exclusively now, and the book stores he frequented promised he hadn’t set foot there in some time. Every Sunday, I went to Mass half-expecting to see him in his usual spot, reading a book, but to no avail. Max was gone and I didn’t know how to find him.

  The clock chimed to signal the time.

  One month, three days, and three hours since I last talked to him.

  I walked into the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. The house was empty because Mom and Dad went off to Batangas for the weekend, Benjo drove Mags to a sleepover with friends, and it was the cook's day off. I was about to leave when I heard the sounds of panting and whimpering coming from the corner. I followed the sounds, supposing Bibi just needed something from his locked crate.

  "Bibi?" I asked tentatively, walking towards his voice. He whimpered before he gave a tiny, desperate bark. Now I was worried.

  "Bibi, what--oh my god!" I exclaimed, seeing the state of him. There was disgusting brown vomit by his mouth, and he might have been choking on it. He was lying down and shifting uncomfortably, panting as he tried to catch his breath. My heart stopped when I saw the cause. There was an open packet of dark chocolate chips on the floor near him and it was nearly empty.

  My hand flew to my phone, fingers moving before I could stop to process any of this. I moved Bibi away from the vomit to feel his tiny heart pounding in his chest. He nuzzled his face into my thigh, and I could almost hear him begging me to make it stop.

  For the first time in weeks, his phone was ringing. "Please, please, please pick up," I whispered, trying to make soothing noises for him.

  "Martha?" His voice rose, and all I could respond with was a choked sob. Just hearing his voice made me so happy. I didn’t know where to begin. "What is it?"

  "It's Bibi, he...he ate chocolate, I don't…I mean, I..." I stammered, trying to keep it together as Bibi whimpered again. "Max, I need you."

  "I'll be there as soon as I can," he said quickly. "Try to keep Bibi calm, and make sure he doesn't choke on his vomit. Move him if you have to, but be careful.”

  Max came in thirty minutes later with his bag of supplies and a cold, hard look on his face. I was too worried about Bibi to let it bother me at the time. He found us still sitting on the kitchen floor, my dog's face in my lap and my hand rubbing his stomach gently, trying to get him to drink some water. He sat next to me, assessing him, checking his heart rate and listening to the sounds he was making. Max's brows were furrowed with concentration, and in a moment of weakness, I wondered if he was focusing on not looking at me. Which was stupid.

  "How much did he eat?" He asked.

  "It was already half-empty so…less than a quarter of the bag," I said as Max gently took Bibi from me. Bibi, who skittered away from Max on most days, was totally pliant. I realized my hands were trembling, and my dog would not stop whimpering. It broke my heart, over and over. "It's okay Bibi, it's okay. Max is going to make you better."

  It's hard to describe what I was feeling at the moment. I suppose people with pets of their own always feel this way when something's wrong. Guilt seeped in, and my helplessness was trying to defeat me. Max worked quickly, asking me questions in a brisk tone, and retrieving something from his bag.

  "We need to get the theobromine out of his system," he explained, placing a couple of black pills in his hand. "Dark chocolate has the highest concentration of that, we need to induce vomiting. I need to give him activated charcoal pills to make him throw up.”

  "Oh my god," I said immediately, feeling my throat tighten like I was the one about to go through it.

  "Hey," Max said, the first sign of friendliness he had shown me through this whole ordeal. "I'll take care of him, okay?"

  "Okay," I said with a tiny voice, looking down at my dog. He must have no idea what's going on, or what was about to happen. I was suddenly seized by a horrible thought.

  What if the universe was getting back at me for what I'd done to Max, Enzo, and Regina? Max told me once that owners of Arowana fish say that when the fish died, it meant that they did it for you, dying so their owners could evade death. Had the same thing happened to Bibi? Because the only thing he'd done wrong was stick by me through this whole disaster, and...

  Max squeezed my hand suddenly, and the action was so automatic for us that he didn't realize he was doing it until I squeezed back, making him jerk out of the hold immediately.

  "Right," he said, shaking his head. "Let's do this."

  Bibi ended up having to vomit three times until he started to calm down. I felt so bad for him, and I was sure all he wanted was to go to sleep. But thank god, Max declared that he was going to be okay just as midnight hit.

  Max stayed, giving me instructions as I made sure Bibi was comfortable inside his padded crate. I left plenty of water for him and cleaned up the ugly brown vomit on the floor. Max wordlessly cleaned up the vomit on the sink.

  "You don't have to—“ I started.

  "I want to," he insisted, his face back to that old, hard line as he cleaned up the sink. We both moved slowly, and a part of me hoped he wouldn't leave. But if I didn't say anything, he would walk out that door.

  "Thank you," I said in a small voice. "For answering my call. I hope you weren't busy."

  Max ran his hands under the faucet, and I handed him a paper towel before he wiped them on his jeans. Force of habit.

  "No, I..." he said, accepting the towel. "I was actually supposed to meet Georg—I was coming from the airport,” he finally said. “I was in New York with my parents. It’s not a big deal.”

  The words stung me, but I tried my hardest not to let it show. I was screaming internally, and it took everything I had in me not to start yelling at him and telling him how much I loved him, how sorry I was and please, please don't make me fight with you anymore.

  Max surveyed the kitchen, and I knew he was slipping from my grasp before I had the chance to tell him how I felt. I stood in front of him and grabbed his arms.

  "Don't go," I said, hoping he knew how much I needed him to stay. "Please, Max, I..."

  His face softened like butter on a stone grill. The next thing I knew, my hands had fallen away and Max was kissing me. The sensation was electric, a wild storm of static and sparks that reacted to the way I felt for him. I grabbed as much of him as I could, kissing him back like he was disappearing. I found myself scrabbling for balance when his hand dipped behind a massive thigh to settle on my backside. My entire body suddenly pressed closer to his when he squeezed.

  I was leaning against the counter with nowhere else to go. Displaying his impressive strength again, Max helped me up on the countertop as we kissed. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my fingers in his hair, my heart pumping with a sudden rush of adrenaline. His kisses were fuel to a flame I had kept inside of me, and it was only about to get hotter.

  Getting him anywhere near me was going to be a challenge with my size, I knew, but Max was determined. How I managed to keep my balance like this I had no idea.

  In several, not so graceful movements, I managed to pull my underwear down enough for Max to grab it and—in his frustration, perhaps—tear it in half. My eyes widened, and my pulse quickened.

  Was there another way for me to say holy shit?

  He said nothing about it, his eyes hooded and darker than I had ever seen them. But I wasn't afraid.

  "Max, are you—oh!” I exclaimed, because without preamble or breath, he licked a stripe between my legs. In my shock I almost snapped my thighs between his head.

  "Oh my god," I managed to say, spreading my legs as wide as I could, very consciou
s that he could suffocate down there. He didn't seem to care about any of that though, as he pressed his tongue into the hot, wet heat he had built up. I gasped and threw my head back, nearly knocking it on a kitchen cabinet. I couldn't grab him like this, my own body was in the way, so all I could do was lift my hips slightly towards him to encourage his ministrations.

  When his fingers joined in, I was very aware that the muscles in my torso were shuddering. I couldn't keep up with him, couldn't grab him without losing my precarious balance on the counter. My heels scrabbled for something to hold me up, and Max guided them to the slightly open drawers of the kitchen cabinets, raising my knees.

  "Bedroom!" I managed to gasp, threading my fingers though his thick hair. "Bedroom."

  "Okay," he murmured, pulling away. He wordlessly followed me upstairs, switching off the lights after me like it was his own house. My room was pitch black when we walked in, but Max switched on the harsh, white lights, making me wince.

  "No more hiding," he said to me, still with those dark eyes. I swallowed thickly.

  "Okay," I agreed.

  Then before I could take a breath, his lips were on mine like they had never left. His hands cupped my cheeks lightly, but I could feel the tension in his hands. Like he was trying to hold on to water. I wrapped my arms around him so tightly that his front pushed up against mine, making him break the kiss for a moment.

  "I missed you, Martha," he managed to say as he took a breath.

  I was so scared of saying the wrong thing again, but I wanted him to stay, so I reached for the front of his jeans, as he pulled out a condom from his pocket. I would have normally teased him about that, but these weren't normal circumstances.

  We were both so ready for this that by the time he entered me, I was already halfway to an orgasm. He knew my pace and I managed to keep up, scrabbling for his back, grabbing as much of him as I could. Now who was holding on to water.

  Max came first, and I wanted to be with him so badly that I pushed hard against him and made him shout. My entire body shattered, and I knew that even if I managed to pick up the pieces, I was never going to be quite the same.

  He collapsed against me, this time it was his turn to curl up to my body. The only sound in the room was my own panting, my heartbeat thrumming in my ears. Like I was still up there without him.

  "I...love you," I wheezed to Max in the darkness, and he looked up at me with wide, scared eyes. As if he just realized what he'd done. He pulled away and I sat back up as he stared at me.

  "You don't mean that," he said, wiping his swollen mouth with the back of his hand. He got up and quickly threw on his boxers, jeans and t-shirt like nothing happened. I marched up to him.

  "Max, I do!" I exclaimed, grabbing his arm and holding the sheet up. "I love you! I love you, and for what feels like the first time, I know what I want for myself. I love you because you're my best friend, Max. It's killing me that I'm leaving for London, but I don't want to go without telling you."

  His eyes grew wide. I’d forgotten that he didn’t know about the job yet. I opened my mouth to explain. But Max was already shaking his head. Wasn't this what he wanted me to say? Why was he trying to leave?

  "I was so ready to stay angry at you," he finally said, avoiding my gaze again. "I wanted to move on and be the cool guy but...this was a moment of weakness. I love being the guy you need, Martha. You have no idea how much I wish this would be enough for me.”

  My emotions flared up inside me and I pulled him back again to face me. I glared at him, and it shocked me how much he wanted to look away. It broke my heart a little.

  “But it can't be like this," he said. "I can't take this."

  He must think I was only telling him what he wanted to hear. That I had sex with him out of...pity? But what could I do to convince him that I was telling the truth? Here I was, fighting for him, and after what he'd just done, how he made me feel…what did Max really want?

  My heart was twisting inside, but I didn’t let it show. I watched him feel for his wallet, phone and keys, the condom already discarded in the bin while I still there still naked. He wanted out. I could see that now. There was no point in me telling him about London if it was going to be like this. He didn’t want me anymore. I could…I could learn to leave him behind.

  Couldn’t I?

  “Okay. I get it,” I told him coldly. I walked towards the door to open it, making sure that the only thing Max could see of me were my back rolls. No way would I let him see how hurt I was. “I’ll swing by the clinic tomorrow to pay Bibi’s bills.” He said nothing, but I heard him leaving the house, taking my heart with him. But if this is what he wanted, I knew I had no other choice.

  Fifteen

  It was pissing rain when I stepped out of South Kensington Station, but it didn’t dampen my mood one bit. My workmates in the Royal Academy of Arts Trust were surprised when I explained to them that I actually enjoyed rainy days.

  It helped that Dorothy Perkins and Marks and Spencer coats in the UK actually carried my size, and now I had a trench coat and a pretty umbrella to wear in the rain.

  On this day in particular, I was smiling. Our boss just told us that we would be involved in the Shakespeare Live! event in Startford-Upon-Avon for the Bard’s 400th birthday, and I could not be more excited. The rain only lifted my spirits, and even the crush of the Tube crowd couldn’t dampen my mood.

  The job was demanding, and the learning curve was steep, but just being a part of these events made the whole thing worth it.

  Another perk of the job was that it properly distracted me from everything that had happened between me and Max. He’d vanished again, posting nothing on Facebook or any other social media platform. Regina swore up and down that she hadn’t seen him since that day in her house, and Maggie said she always missed him when she took Bibi to the clinic.

  I hoped that he was happy, wherever he was. It was the least I could wish him after all of this.

  Who was I kidding? I missed Max, and I missed being his friend. I could take not being the one for him, but I didn’t think I could take him disappearing like this.

  I stopped at a crossing, jerking backwards in surprise when I realized that the light was actually green. A car whizzed past where I had been standing.

  I was ten feet away from Regina’s flat when I saw a figure hunched underneath the patio. I froze. I’d seen homeless people in London, of course, but not in this area. They never sat underneath other people’s patios before either. The figure was shivering and wet, shaking the water from his head like a dog.

  My heart hammered in my chest, and I reached into my purse for the pepper spray Tita Fauna gave me as a going away present. My fingers wrapped around a blessed rosary from Tita Merry instead. I’d left the pepper spray in the flat. Shit!

  “Uhm…hello?” I asked, making my approach. I gripped the base of my umbrella hard, ready to thwack this stranger if he got aggressive. “I’ve got pepper spray in my purse, so…”

  “What?” The stranger asked, and he looked up with sleepy, jet-lagged eyes.

  It was Max.

  My racing heart didn’t slow for one second as I looked at him. He was still the same guy I called my best friend. He was still my Max, and nothing about how I felt for him had changed at all.

  “I found your note,” he announced, like he hadn’t flown thousands of miles, waving it in front of me like a peace offering. It had been folded and unfolded so many times that the paper was wrinkled, and it was slightly wet from the rain.

  It took me a minute for me to understand what he was talking about. The note was the piece of notebook paper I'd slipped in between the pages of Stardust, the one where I told him about how happy he made me. The one I slipped in after we had sex the first time.

  I closed the gap between us and sat next to him on the porch. I took the letter from his shaking fingers, protecting us both from the downpour with my umbrella.

  “And I realized that I was an idiot, leaving the way I did.�
� he said, his elbow leaning against mine as I snuggled up to him for warmth. “I wasted my time not telling you what I wanted.”

  I looked down at the note, reading it over a couple of times. I had known how I felt about him all along. I slipped the note into my pocket and stood up, pulling him up with me.

  “It was stupid,” he kept talking as I took out the keys and walked into the flat with him following me to the kitchen while I made tea. It was the best thing to drink in the rain. “I pushed you away when I should have made you stay. I know you’re happier here, but I don’t want to lose you when you come back.” He followed me to the linen closet where I grabbed a towel, throwing it over his shivering shoulders as he talked about that night in the kitchen. He sneezed, and I knew he was going to get a cold. I pushed him back to the kitchen and sat him down.

  “I can make you happy, Martha,” Max said, sneezing again as I handed him a mug of warm tea from the counter. “I’m the guy who will do everything to make you happy.”

  I sat next to him and took a sip from my own drink.

  “I could have told you that, dummy,” I said.

  Then we kissed over our warm mugs of tea while the rain poured steadily outside.

  “Two cheeseburger meals, large fries, large Coke zero, and a box of chicken nuggets, please!” I yelled over to the speaker box of the McDonald’s drive thru. Then I looked beside me and gave the driver a little grin. “How about you, did you want anything?” Max laughed at my little joke as he drove the car forward to the next window. It had been about a month since we came back from Europe, and one month since Max and I officially became Max and I.

  Once my job at the RA ended, he and I took that trip we'd always wanted, following a route that took us from London to Edinburgh, then to Paris, Avignon, and Provence before heading to Amsterdam, then Prague before flying to Italy, where we spent a blissful week before going back to Manila.