i jump off your lap
I jump off your lap
When I love your company
But I need to be alone
I jump off your lap
When I am upset at you
But I have trouble saying why
I jump off your lap
When all is going well
But I fear I’ll annoy you soon
I jump off your lap
When it’s been five minutes
But that’s all the time I need
To convince myself I hung out this weekend
read your body
I can see it
In the tilt of your head
I can spot it
In the movement of your hands
I can tell it
In the widening of your eyes
I can sense it
In the way you fell face-first to the floor
Because when you’re quiet like me
Because when you study Before you speak
You can read the whole story
In a person’s body language
Hence why I can tell
That, wow, you were choking on something huge
Greetings Are Hard
The dog
Runs
Runs
Runs
Right into your crotch
Every time you come home
And you say “Hello!”
Yet when I
Leap
Leap
Leap
To smack you in the balls
It’s like you can’t even tell I’m trying to say “Hi!”
I’ll never get how to be social
Wanted
Send me a hint
Show me a sign
Pat your lap
Your sofa
Your chair
Let me know
In no uncertain terms
That you want me to come over
I won’t
But I like to be invited
Going to be over here for a while
chatter
“Click-click-click-click-click”
I love to chatter with the bird outside my window
“Click-click-click-click-click”
Oh, how I could go on and on
“Click-click-click-click-click”
For when a topic interests me
For when a subject engages me
For when an absolute stranger and I just
“Click-click-click-click-click”
I’m more alive
I’m more engaged
I’m going to kill you, bird
“Click-click-click-click-click”
And to think I wasn’t going to come to this window today
The Very Last Thing
I wish I could
I know I should
But I just can’t tell you as a friend
“I’d rather not see you tonight”
So I make it awkward
By avoiding you
By disappearing from view
By flailing my limbs
Like a combine harvesting your skin
Every time you come by to pick me up
Yes, maybe one day I’ll be honest
Yes, maybe one day I’ll be direct
But for now the very last thing
I’d ever want to do
Is to hurt you
Even though I’m pretty sure
I just sliced right through your bone
Someone Who Gets You (Out)
I asked the ball
The dog chases
The dog brings back
The dog carries wherever it goes
How does it feel
To be in such demand?
And the ball said
“The dog makes me get out
When I get too deep in my head
The dog makes me feel wanted
When I feel too alone
The dog makes me realize
He will never leave me alone
So sometimes I hide in the tall grass.”
leave as two, left as one
What kind of person
What kind of “friend”
Talks you into going out
Tells you you’ll have a great time
Takes you to a stranger’s place
Then leaves you to mingle
But alone
Then socializes with everyone there
But you
Then leaves without a heads-up
But wait
I think I was just adopted
something more
For me
It’s never about the excitement
It’s never about mere thrill
It’s always about the deeper meaning
It’s always about the question “Why?”
So I will walk right into your bathroom
So I will stare as you sit on the toilet
So I won’t blink
The whole time
Even as you wipe
As all the while I will think
“Why on earth am I doing this?”
Because a life unexamined is a life unfulfilled
A Select Few
I am funny
With you
I am outgoing
With you
I am crazy
With you
Because my real self is a secret
I share only with a select few
Like you
Like elevator butt!
Elevator butt!
Elevator butt!
In your face while you read
It’s How I Know You
When you’re a friend
I sit on your lap and purr
When you’re an acquaintance
I sit at the end of the couch and observe
When you’re a stranger
I sit in another room until I am ready
When you’re someone I have to confront
I sit in an open field
Two towns over
So good thing I have that tracking chip
when i do speak up
I don’t often meow
I don’t often purr
I can go hours without making a sound
So when I do speak up
Know that my words are well-considered
Know that my statement is quite relevant
And know that you’re probably
Stepping on my paw
could be
You like sofas
You like food
You like stretching
You like naps
We have so much in common
We could be such good friends
But I don’t know how
And I don’t know why
And I don’t know when
I thought my best approach
Was to walk across your open sandwich
Wow, that was a lot of mustard
So I should probably say my goodbyes
Try New Things
Don’t take the fact I’m hesitant
Don’t take the fact I’m cautious
Don’t take the fact I’m quite wary
As meaning I’m not willing to try new things
GET THIS HAT OFF ME
GET THIS HAT OFF ME
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING
WHY HAVE THE GODS ABANDONED ME
THIS IS NOT MY LIFE THIS IS NOT MY LIFE
SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH
BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD
GET
THIS
HAT
OFF OF ME RIGHT NOW!!!
Just don’t force anything on me
Answering Calls
Why don’t I answer
Whenever you call?
Maybe I’m too focused on a project
And don’t wish to be interrupted
Maybe I’m too caught up in my own thoughts
And can’t quite catch what you are saying
Maybe I’m just busy tearing open your couch
Or thinking how I tore open your couch
Or don’t feel like talking about the couch
When what’s done is done
And also I threw up a little inside it
So maybe I’ll get back to you some other time
a poem on the aquarium tank i just brought down to the ground, killing eight prize fish and covering the new rug in filtered water, shattered glass, colorful gravel, and one small scuba diver
Oh great
A conversation starter
I Hear You
You don’t have to tell me
“No.”
“No!”
“NO!”
“NO!!!”
Over and over again
Because I’m great at listening
Because I’m fantastic at paying attention
Because this ugly-ass Christmas tree ornament
Is going down no matter what
So please stop with your constant criticism
And let me do my work
more than you may know
More than the honorable to a promise
More than the endeared to a love
More than the righteous to a cause
I will be loyal to you
I will be there for you
I just may not be around you
For long stretches at a time
Especially now that I discovered
You can make a hideout
With just a throw pillow and a blanket
heartache
When a friendship ends
The agony begins
Because a friend
Is someone I confide in
A friend
Is someone I share my world with
A friend
Is one of the very few I ever truly let in
And so when they are gone
And so when they just leave
There is not so much a hole
As a huge tear in my life
And how dare they cause one so loyal
To feel this much pain
So good riddance and go to hell
Shiny metal disklike thing
I used to bat all around the apartment
I hope you have fun
With all the new friends you will make
In the large-capacity detachable canister
Of the vacuum cleaner you let take you from my life
chapter three
One Too Many
Maybe I wouldn’t
Nap so much
If people didn’t
Exhaust me so often
when i first enter a crowded room
When my tail is up
I am at ease
Because I know everyone here
When my tail is low
I am on edge
Because I know only a few people here
When my tail is down
I am on full alert
Because I know absolutely no one here
And when my tail is bushy
I am on my last nerve
Because I know that asshole Steve is here
I’m Not Shy
I’m not shy
I’m not aloof
I’m not as solitary
As some people might think
I just don’t need
A large ring of acquaintances
When I can have
A tight circle of friends
Friends I’ve forged tight bonds with
Friends I can just be me with
Friends who are actually toys I play with
Because even with close friends
I can sometimes do without the small talk
convince myself
I’m on the couch
I’m ready to go
I should go
How can I get out of going?
No, don’t go there
I will have a good time
I will be glad I did this
I will regret if I didn’t
I could still get out of this
I could just stay on this couch
This soft, soft couch
No
No
NO
I can only say “No” so many times
And still expect to be invited
And I was invited
And I am expected
And I will enjoy myself
Besides
My person said this vet doesn’t do shots
Just fish-fry dinners
Do I Know Enough?
Close friends
Good friends
Just friends
Acquaintances
Associates
All those names, names, names
How do some people
Know so many people
And I’m so wrong
To only know a few?
Like “That one who put the cone on me”
Or “That bastard who put the cone on me”
Or “I hate him”
Perhaps I know enough people as is
Social
“You don’t want this”
“No one should have made you do this”
“You should leave right now”
Whenever I’m confronted by something new
Whenever I’m surrounded by people unfamiliar
Whenever I find myself at a party
My mind keeps saying
“You don’t want this and you should go”
So I hide in the bedroom
So I hide in the bathroom
Trying to keep busy and keep to myself
But sometimes I see a friendly face
Sometimes someone will say “Hello”
And sometimes I can shut out all of those thoughts
If I try
If I try so damn hard
And before I know it I’m meeting someone new
My head smothered in salsa and black beans
Because sometimes I also hide at the snack table
Neck deep in seven-layer nacho dip
extrovert
Don’t
Push me to meet new people
Don’t
Expect me to greet strangers at the door
Don’t
Think I will suddenly become outgoing
If you keep taking me out of the bedroom
For all your friends to see
Please don’t
Try to turn me into an extrovert
But do
Know that when I come to you
That when I sit on your lap
That when I blink at your face
My affection is real
My love is true
And my weight won’t shatter your pelvis
And/or testicles
Like when that Great Dane jumped on you for more attention
birthdays
B
irthdays should not be big days
Birthdays should be small affairs
With only the closest of friends
And the furthest hope
Of me wanting to be surprised
Of me posing for any photos
Of me playing with the toy you got me
Of me realizing this is even a party
Of me not gagging on the glitter
That fell out of the birthday card
That you inexplicably bought me
And great, now I have unicorn vomit
On my new birthday toy
That you just took away to clean
Along with the rest of the glitter
I haven’t finished eating
And where is everyone going?
I thought this was a party
Hey, now my poop sparkles
See, birthdays should not be big days
Because no one can handle so much
Subtle
I don’t like to comment
I don’t care to criticize
I don’t feel comfortable
Telling someone they’ve done something wrong
But if I take my time
But if I gather my thoughts
But if knock a full glass off of the counter
I can indeed tell a party host
That they need to buy much better booze
Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Like People
Just because I don’t like crowds
Doesn’t mean I don’t like people
Just because I don’t like gatherings
Doesn’t mean I don’t like people
Just because I don’t like you
Doesn’t mean I don’t like people
Just because I swallowed enough carpet fibers
Just to vomit on your shoes
Doesn’t mean I won’t befriend people
It just means you and I are done
purr
“Perrrrrrrrrrrrr”
No
“Porrrrrrrrrrrrr”
Not quite
“Parrrrrrrrrrrrr”
Not at all
“Oink”
What the hell?
Wow
I guess it has been a long time
Since I tried to introduce myself
All Cats Are Introverts Page 2